God From the Machine
by Zaney HacknSlash
Summary: When Hakkai becomes fixated on a traveling back in time to rescue Kanan, he finds himself in a time and place he hadn't counted on. Mature for child abuse, violence, and obscenities Hakkai, Jien, and Gojyo pov Gojyo centric Alternate universe
1. Chapter 1

High over our heads, the tower stood at the crest of the mountain peak, black against the ashy winter sky and solitary in the cold wind. White mist cloaked the snow-capped mountains, rolling in thick clouds, and the naked tree branches around us quivered. An eerie moan wafted through the woods.

I tightened my scarf, trying to cover my ears, but the tips were numb, and my hands were freezing, even with my gloves in place. "It must be the coldest day of the year," I murmured, crunching through the snow. It wasn't deep. Rather, a stiff layer of ice seemed to coat the ground, no more than six inches thick, but still, it made walking somewhat difficult.

Gojyo shuddered. He was dressed half as warmly as I and had looked interminably annoyed since the very beginning. "Why the hell didn't we bring Jeep?"

"I keep telling you, the terrain wouldn't allow it. Look around." I gestured to the charcoal trunks filling my view. The forest grew dense here—much denser than around our home—the spindly branches criss-crossing to form natural cages, and even at midday it looked as dark as dusk, the sun appearing only as a pale orb, steeped in thick gray.

"I think he coulda done it," Gojyo grumbled.

"This part, perhaps," I allowed, and then pointed to the tower on the mountain. "But if you have some idea as to how we could get him up _there_ , I'd love to hear it."

"I guess we'd have to climb no matter what," he snapped, "but we've been walking all day, and he could have saved us _some_ time."

"It's only been a few hours. In any case, there are other reasons I didn't want to bring Jeep with us."

Puffing on his cigarette, Gojyo looked up at the tower, a cloud of breath and smoke gathering in front of him as he asked, "You really think this is where he came from?"

"Perhaps. Sanzo seems to think so."

"Yeah, but Jeep was injured. This is a long ways from our house."

"He didn't necessarily make the entire journey by himself."

"Yeah, but—"

"I'm tired of hearing yeah but," I interrupted. After tolerating his complaints all day, I was in no mood to argue with him. "I know as little about where Jeep came from as you do. All I know is Sanzo asked us to investigate, and bringing Jeep wasn't part of the equation; that's all that matters."

"Fine," he snorted defiantly. _"But_ why is Sanzo making us do this anyway?"

"Don't you _ever_ listen to him?" I demanded. "He said there have been strange activities in this region lately and thought this place may have something to do with it."

"Like what?"

I thought back on what Sanzo had said, but there hadn't been anything too definitive about it. "Random acts of violence. People attacking each other for no discernable reason. I wish you'd pay attention next time, Gojyo, it gets tedious reiterating everything Sanzo already told us."

Gojyo stomped through a snow drift. "Excuse me for not being enthralled by every word that drops from Master Sanzo's mouth."

"Yes, yes, I know. You assume that as long as _I_ know what's going on you don't need to."

"Pretty much."

"Well, some day you may not have the luxury of having me with you."

Gojyo shot back, "I wouldn't do shit for Sanzo if you weren't going with me. You know that."

"Then do you mean to say you participate in these infernal errands for _my_ benefit, not his?"

"Damn straight. Sanzo sits in his cozy, little temple, drinking hot tea and cuddling with Goku—he doesn't _need_ me to go with you—you'd fucking die without me."

I couldn't help smiling. "A touch less complaining would be nice though."

"That was never part of the deal. I'll bitch if I feel like it."

"Very well," I sighed. "I suppose as long as you're here solely to keep me from dying I'll just have to accept the constant whining."

"That's the price you pay, Sunshine."

Not long after that, we had to cross a wide river. Fortunately, the ice was solid in most places, and I was able to lead us across safely, though it was a painstakingly slow process, and I couldn't help remarking, with some smugness, "We wouldn't have been able to drive Jeep across this ice."

Gojyo only muttered that we still could have brought him.

Beyond the river, the trees thinned out, and the foothills led us upward in a gentle slope. Fortunately, the peak wasn't too tall, nor was it very difficult to climb. It involved much more hiking than outright climbing, and the going was relatively easy, but a bitter wind whipped at our faces, and the snow made the trail we followed somewhat treacherous. I pulled up my hood and wrapped my scarf around my mouth, and Gojyo pulled his beanie cap down to completely cover his ears.

"Why are we doing this in the middle of goddamn winter? This would actually be a nice hike if it were spring or fall."

"I don't think I've ever heard you use the phrase nice hike before."

"It's true though. Sanzo could have asked us to do this a few weeks ago and it would have been a completely different story."

"Well, yes, I suppose you're right."

"So why didn't he?"

"I have no idea." I brushed a layer of snow off a boulder and sat down, swinging the backpack off my shoulders to produce a bag of trail mix and some jerky. "I suspect it wasn't a problem until recently." I offered him the food, and he sat down with me. The rock was smallish, so we sat back to back to keep out of the wet snow, and I was grateful for the slight warmth sitting close together provided. After a day of walking in the inclement weather, we were wet, tired, and annoyed, so we ate quietly, but when the break was over I felt rejuvenated and was ready to finish the task at hand.

"We should arrive in just over an hour, I believe," I told him, packing up the food.

Gojyo rubbed his bare hands together, squinting through the treetops to try to get a glimpse of the lab, but a veil of thick fog had fallen over the tower. "Since I wasn't paying attention to Sanzo…tell me again, what's the deal with this place?"

"It's a laboratory." I shrugged. "The rest is self-explanatory."

He looked at me. "Yeah, maybe for _you_ , college grad. They do creepy science shit there, that's all _I_ know. What _kind_ of creepy science shit?"

"I'm not sure." I peered up at the vague outline of the tower as well. "Sanzo knows very little about it, and what information he _does_ have comes from years of living in this region and hearing various rumors from various sources. He seems to believe this might be where Jeep originated from, and in that case, this may be a facility where they combine human science with youkai magic."

Gojyo shifted uncomfortably. "So…they experiment on people?"

"I have no idea," I answered solemnly. "For whatever reason, Sanzo seems to think the scientists up there have something to do with the sudden rise in violent crimes around here, so I suppose it's possible that's what they do. I really won't know until we have a look around."

Together, we continued hiking, and Gojyo was silent a long while. We had almost reached the top before he asked, "How're we gonna get in? I mean, what makes you think they'll be happy to let us snoop around their secret lab?"

"Considering how secluded the locale is, I suppose they aren't accustomed to visitors," I allowed. "But scientists aren't fighters, usually, and our mission pertains more to reconnaissance than violence. I suppose I had hoped they might just show us around if I asked politely."

I expected him to scoff at that, but he didn't say anything more until we'd reached the top of the peak, and the walls of the tower lay directly ahead of us.

The wind had picked up on top of the cliff, and snow had begun to fall, combining to create a wall of chilling air. Flecks of ice stung my face, and I had to squint to see where I was going as we marched toward the tower and took cover against its walls. It was an odd combination of steel and rock, as though it may have been an ancient structure, renovated to suit the scientists' purposes, and it was cased in ice, much like everything around us. Several smaller structures lay in ruin around it, but the tower still stood some ten stories or so, and it was blank, save a few tiny windows near the top. One side of it had gotten dangerously close to the edge of the cliff as the rocks had eroded away over the years.

We huddled together a few minutes to catch our breath, and Gojyo spoke up again, a little more loudly, to be heard over the howling wind. "I think I need to tell you something, Hakkai."

"Is it important?" I asked distractedly, surveying the area for any sign of lookouts. A hundred yards from us, a stone archway reinforced by metal led the way to a courtyard, and I sidled in that direction.

"I don't know…"

I gave him a semi-annoyed look over my shoulder. "What do you mean you don't know? Does it pertain to the mission?"

He nodded.

"Then it's likely important." I stopped again to face him. "What is it?"

Gojyo's expression had turned somewhat nervous, and his cheeks and nose were pink from the cold. He eyed the tower with obvious mistrust. "Remember a couple months ago, when those guys came to our house and attacked me, and I told you I didn't know what they wanted?"

"How could I forget? You killed two of them and maimed the third so badly he likely died on his way home."

"Right. So I lied to you." He popped his knuckles. "They _did_ say what they wanted."

"I assumed as much. I can generally tell when you're lying," I couldn't help sounding impatient. "I also assumed they wanted Jeep, seeing how the two of you got along much better ever after that day."

Gojyo nodded, still scanning the tower thoughtfully. "That isn't all though. They were pretty thrilled with me."

"I'm sure they were if they're enamored by the idea of the combination of human science and youkai magic. I already thought of that."

He finally met my gaze again. "You did?"

"Well, of course."

"And you still think they'll be willing to give us a tour of their place if I'm along?"

"I think it'll give them all the more incentive to let us in," I told him nonchalantly.

Immediately, his expression darkened. "Dude, don't even _think_ about using me for bait, or a distraction, or whatever other fucked up thing you thought of."

It was rather like a slap in the face, and I argued immediately, "Is that what you think of me? That I'd use you like that without even discussing it with you first? I had thought you knew me better."

He still glared. "Maybe it'll work best if I don't know about it ahead of time."

"Don't be ridiculous. Honestly, I'm hurt you'd expect me to use you in such a manner."

"Yeah, but—"

I cut in brusquely, "No more yeah buts," and then I turned away, continuing to march through the snow, which was knee-deep here. "Let's get this underway so we can start heading home as soon as possible."

Grumbling, Gojyo followed me around to the arch, and we stepped into the courtyard, where we were shielded immediately from the violent wind. Around us, everything was pristine white and clear aside from a few statues which had apparently been knocked down, and a set of steps leading to a large pair of double doors. I hurried to them, eager to get in out of the cold, and hopeful that the tower's interior would be heated. I seized one of the giant knockers and banged the iron ring against the wood, and the pounding echoed through the courtyard.

Then, Gojyo and I stood shoulder to shoulder, shifting back and forth, stamping our feet and adjusting our clothing. It was twice as cold on top of the mountain as it had been in the forest.

"What's the plan?" Gojyo hissed.

"I already told you. We're just going to ask if we can come inside."

"And if they want to add me to their collection of creepy science shit? What then?"

I knocked again, a bit louder than before. "I don't know, Gojyo, they're scientists. Hopefully you're capable enough to keep from being captured by flabby, human scientists."

"The last time I dealt with scientists, they tried to shoot me, and taze me, and drug me."

"They failed," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but—"

I gave a loud sigh.

" _But_ there were only three of them."

I had known from the start that coming here could potentially put Gojyo in danger. I'd even brought it up with Sanzo. Still, we'd both decided it shouldn't be a problem, and I truly hadn't thought much about it since then.

"You and I have taken out entire armies of men—both human and youkai—over the last three years. I fail to see why you're unnerved by a group of tottering, old men."

"Okay, so let's say nothing happens today. What's to keep them from coming after me later? Or sending someone after me? Or coming up with some crazy-ass scheme to catch me?"

I pounded on the door once more, and then turned to face my roommate. "Are you genuinely worried about this? Do you want me to be worried also?"

He scowled, looking somewhat sheepish. "No. I'm not worried I just want to know what the plan is."

"We're going to go in and take a look around and leave, _if_ they let us in at all. If they don't we'll find some means to sneak in, take a look around, and leave. If they're interested in keeping you as a subject, they'll be welcome to try, but I sincerely doubt they'll be successful, considering you're more than capable of preventing that, and even if you weren't, _I_ am. So stop worrying."

"For the last time, I'm not worrying, I'm just saying!" He threw his cigarette down and looked up at the door. "God _damn_ what is taking them so long?"

Shaking my head, I reached for the door handle. "I have no idea, but I'm not standing out here in the cold bickering with you any longer." With that, I threw the door open, and stepped through, with Gojyo scrambling after me.

The interior of the lab was much different than the exterior. The doors led immediately into a fairly nondescript foyer with the original stone still intact, but beyond it ran a single hallway, straight and narrow, made completely of steel. The place had been equipped with electricity, obviously, and lights were mounted on the metal ceiling, but the room remained dark, empty, and cold.

Gojyo and I stood staring into the hall, but I didn't see as much as a speck of light in the distance, and outside the wind whipped and screamed, battering against the tower walls.

"Ummm… So where is everybody?" Gojyo demanded.

His voice echoed in the giant foyer, startling me, and I took a second to answer. "It appears no one's home."

"They're out in the storm somewhere?"

Frowning, I continued to peer into the shadows, still expecting someone to arrive at any given moment, but nothing moved. No matter how hard I listened, I heard no traces of voices.

"In any case, that makes it easier to investigate." I stepped forward. "Come on. Chances are we'll find someone eventually."

For the next two hours, we scoured the tower from top to bottom. It was a strange place, to say the least. The upper part of the building hadn't been used in a long time, as far as I could tell, the upstairs chambers left mostly empty, but we did find living quarters on the second floor, furnished with comfortable sofas and beds, and decorated with individual touches, though they were also highly Spartan, as though the men who'd been living here hadn't brought much with them. The kitchen we found was still stocked with food, but most of the items in the fridge had gone bad, a sure sign that the scientists had been gone a long while.

As we move down to the basement level, I began to get a bad feeling.

The basement looked much newer than the rest of the building, much more modern, and the rooms we searched housed varying types of scientific equipment, operating tables, cages, chemicals, machines, and shelves stuffed with books and journals.

In one such room, we stumbled across something highly unpleasant.

As soon as I opened the door, I smelled it, the pungent, familiar reek of rotting flesh, flooding the room and permeating everything. The odor hit us like a wave, and we both stumbled back, gagging. I held my scarf over my nose and mouth and stared hard into the darkened room, where I could just make out a heavy table, laden with notes and books. There appeared to be little else there, and it was empty. Cautiously, I entered, and looked around with horror and disbelief.

A handful of dismembered bodies lay on the floor, rotting, and the place was doused in old blood—it splashed the walls like paint, and stained the papers on the desk. Chairs had been toppled, and the bookshelf on the far wall had been knocked over. Books were scattered everywhere.

"Son of a bitch," Gojyo gasped, voice muffled behind the sleeve of his coat. "What happened here?"

I crouched down by one of the bodies, looking intently at the ragged wounds torn across the chest and abdomen and the pain-filled, terrified expression still frozen on the face. One of the arms had been torn off, and it looked as if something had fed on the carcass. I moved on, examining several of the others as well, but they all looked the same. The white flesh was rotting slowly in the cold, and each body appeared to have been torn into by a wild animal.

"Judging by the level of decomposition," I murmured, half holding my breath so I wouldn't breathe the noxious scent of rotting flesh, "they've been dead about a week."

"Wh-who killed them?" Gojyo wondered, gagging.

I surveyed the signs of struggle again, noting the smashed furniture and the blood splashes. It had apparently been quite a violent murder. I saw no sign of a weapon, but I supposed that meant the killer had taken it with him. Then again, it didn't explain why it looked like the scientists had been eaten alive.

"It's possible they were experimenting on an animal and it got out of their control."

"Wouldn't an animal have been trapped in here? Animals don't open doors."

I tilted my head, thoughtfully, and examined the door next. I saw no sign of claw or teeth marks on it, just more dried blood. "That's an excellent point, as a matter of fact. Only a person or an ape would have the aptitude to open such a door without smashing it. An ape likely wouldn't take the time to figure that out. Unless someone was here to let it out, it would have been trapped within this room…and if someone _did_ let it out, they wouldn't have shut the door behind them again."

"It's a fuckin' mystery," Gojyo grumbled, still holding his sleeve against his face. "Can we get outta here? The smell…"

"Don't you see though? A being with human-like intelligence must have done this. A being with human-like intelligence and animal-like savagery."

Gojyo glanced around the room again. "What… You mean, like a youkai?"

I turned to stare at him, and he stared back at me. "Well…yes. I suppose that makes the most sense, but…" I studied the body lying at my feet. "Even youkai don't normally do something like _this_."

"Well, who cares? There's nothing here to investigate, so let's go home."

I gestured to the carnage around us. "You call this nothing to investigate? Gojyo, this must be what Sanzo sent us here for—it's exactly what he was talking about. Sudden and violent crimes. If youkai did this…there are some very violent people not very far away from the temple _and_ from our home."

"Whatever, man, all I know is I can't breathe in here." He put a cigarette in his mouth and stepped out, gagging.

With a sigh, I walked to the table in the middle of the room, thinking the papers there might give me some sort of clue as to what the scientists had been working on, and how it may have gone awry. A lamp sat there that still worked, so I clicked it on and perused the stacks of notes, reading them absently.

I was so distracted by the hideous scene I'd stumbled into, and the horrible possibility behind who had done it, it took me several moments to realize I was reading notes about physics.

It wasn't much help, but I read on anyway, still thinking I might uncover some clue to the mystery.

I turned the page, finding a design for a machine, and detailed building instructions scratched into the paper in miniscule, somewhat sloppy handwriting. I could hardly believe what I read there.

"Gojyo," I called, "look at this!"

He simply hung his head around the corner. "What?"

"These notes! You won't believe it…" My heart had all but stopped, and I was even shaking a little. "They're building plans for a time machine!"

A long pause followed, so long I turned to see if he'd left.

Gojyo stared back at me with a skeptical face. "Hakkai," he said flatly. "Come out of there, buddy. That smell's making you hallucinate."

"Very funny, but I'm being serious. Come and see for yourself."

"Hakkai, listen to yourself. Time machine? Seriously." And he turned away.

I read the papers again, just to be sure I'd read them correctly, but there was no mistaking it. The physicist jargon was familiar enough to me, having gotten a degree in physics myself, and the time travel terms were also something I'd heard before in the various theories and dreams of my peers and professors. I said out loud, "These scientists were able to engineer a dragon that can transform into a Jeep. I don't see why a time machine is out of the question."

Gojyo looked in again, retching at the smell. "Hakkai. Just come out of there."

I couldn't help rolling my eyes, and then I folded up the notes and stuffed them down into my jacket where they'd stay dry even in the snow, and we made our way out of the tower and back down the mountain, my head buzzing with the possibilities.

In the morning, I got up and made my breakfast and sat down to eat, but I took my time and laid out the physicists notes on the table. They were bloodstained, of course, and some of the words had even been blotted out by dusky reddish-brown, but they were still perfectly readable, and I spent several hours going over them, and then re-reading them, and then reflecting on their credibility, and each time I read them I felt a little surer than before that the physicist who'd written these notes had indeed been correct. It had merely been his misfortune that he'd not lived long enough to complete the plans himself.

Jeep nudged at my hand, so I got up to feed him, and then I returned to my studies.

When Gojyo got up, I was still sitting there. He sat down heavily. "You took those?"

"Of course I took them," I returned simply, sipping my tea. "They're plans for a time machine which, as best I can tell, would actually work, and the man who designed them is dead now. It would be absurd not to salvage them."

"It sounds insane to me, Hakkai." He glanced around the kitchen. "What's to eat anyway?"

"I'm sorry?" I barely looked up. "What?"

"I said what's to eat? You didn't make lunch yet?"

"No." I continued reading. "I've been preoccupied."

He sounded vaguely frustrated. "With those dusty, old notes? Dude, what the hell?"

I sighed and glared up at him. "Don't be such a child, Gojyo. Is it absolutely out of the question for you to feed yourself for once?"

"Guess not." He rocked back in his chair, looking sheepish, and then admitted in an apologetic voice, "I just got used to you doing it…"

That was true, I realized, and since it had been hours since I'd eaten, I quietly got up and set to making lunch, but I dwelled on the notes all the while, and as soon as I'd finished eating, I returned to them.

For the next few days, I couldn't tear myself away from the notes, and I spent every waking moment studying them and pondering them.

Gojyo complained about it a great deal, but it didn't matter. When I tried to explain to him the beauty of the physicist's plans, and their simplicity, when I attempted to describe the idea to him, even in the most childish terms, he was unable to follow, and though I was disappointed by the fact that I couldn't share my excitement with anyone, I continued to study the notes, adding to them as ideas occurred to me.

The possibilities seemed endless. It was only a matter of collecting the right materials.

Gojyo reminded me about the mission we'd been on, but I'd all but forgotten it.

"Sanzo sent us to find something out, right?" he demanded, sitting down next to me on the couch.

"He always does." I was scribbling away at the time and only half-understood what he'd said.

"So what was it?"

"What was what?"

"What did he want us to figure out?"

"I'm afraid I don't understand." I sucked on my pen, re-reading what I'd just jotted down.

"On the mountain, dammit. The lab? Where you got your fuckin' time machine plans?"

"Oh. That. I'm not sure." I resumed my writing.

"Well." He yanked the pen from my hand, and I scowled at him. "Don't you think we need to figure it out?"

"We already learned everything we could by going up there."

I made a grab for the pen, but he held it out of my reach. "Yeah, except we didn't learn anything at all."

"There's no help for that. There was little evidence to go off of."

Gojyo looked hard at me and then spoke firmly, "Hakkai, come on, man. Those people were murdered. Probably by youkai, right? You said yourself, they could be knocking around in our neighborhood now."

"Maybe so, but it doesn't matter anymore."

He almost fell of the couch, and his jaw dropped. "Doesn't matter? What do you mean it doesn't matter? You saw what they did—how can you say it doesn't matter?"

I snatched the pen away from him while he was shocked, and went back to my notes. "It just doesn't now."

Gojyo sat next to me, quietly, for several minutes before going on. "All right, dude, this has gone on long enough, don't you think? Those crazy notes are all you ever think about."

"Nonsense." I flipped back several pages, checking a reference.

"Yes, they are. You haven't cleaned or tidied, you keep calling in sick at work, you barely even cook. You're totally obsessed with those notes."

I hesitated to consider what he was saying, and I glanced around the house, noticing that it did look a touch disorderly today. I turned to him at last, "Yes, but don't you understand? This is revolutionary—it could change the very world—some genius came up with a _time machine_ , Gojyo. Can you really not comprehend the impact that could have? It's possibly the most important invention every spawned by man, of course it's absorbing a great deal of my time."

"So what? What are you going to do? Read them over and over forever? It's not like you can _build_ a time machine, so you might as well sell them somewhere and forget it."

"Sell them?" I demanded, half incredulous, half outraged. "Sell them to _whom_?"

"I don't know, but they're not doing anyone any good sitting here in our house, especially not you and me." He got up after that, and left the house, and I realized the sun was beginning to set, and I'd spent yet another day studying the notes.

For a while, I sat back and pondered what Gojyo had said, but why should it be true? Surely the physicist's notes didn't die with him. As long as there were other capable men alive, why shouldn't his dream be realized?

And who's to say the notes weren't doing me any good?

For the first time since I found the paperwork in that bloody room, the idea struck me. _I_ could be the one to continue this important work. I certainly had the knowledge and intellect. _I_ could build the machine the dead physicist had envisioned. _I_ could be the one to go back in time.

And then another idea came to me, like a bucket of ice water being dumped over my head.

Shaking, I got up and walked, slowly, to the window to stare out at the barren and white world of winter beyond, the black trees and the smooth snow, the slate gray sky, and the empty woods, and I pictured a different day, far, far behind me, a day when Kanan and I had sat under a willow together on the school campus and done our respective homework, while holding a reasonable conversation in between. It had been a day of glorious spring, of warmth and love. We'd recently met, and we were thrilled to spend every possible moment together. I remembered what it was like, sitting there, studying for my physics exam, and holding hands with the woman I loved.

I could go back, I realized, back to that spring, back to that warmth, back to that day, back to that love—back to Kanan.

I returned to the notes once again, and now I read them in a new light.

From that moment onward, I truly was obsessed with the idea of the time machine. I pored furiously over the notes, well into the sun's rising, creating my own ideas for how I could make the physicist's vision a reality, feverish over the notion that I could return to the day Kanan was taken and prevent all the terrible events that followed, and the more I thought about it, the more determined I became to make it a reality.

At first, I had no idea how I could possibly go about it. Needless to say, we did not live in a highly technological region, and though I scouted around town for the parts I'd need, it was difficult to find even unwanted scraps of iron, and I nearly gave up hope.

Of course, then it came to me that the physicist who'd written the notes would have to have the means to build the time machine, or at least he must have made some headway in it, so I returned to the mountain top to search the tower once again. I took Jeep this time, because time was of the essence. The sooner my machine was constructed, the sooner I could be reunited with Kanan.

Fortunately, after scouring the abandoned lab, I did find the most crucial elements for the time machine, along with the essential tools I would need, and the only problem that remained was transporting all the pieces back home.

It became obvious to me that the most sensible method to go about it was to transport loads piecemeal. Most of the metal was clunky and difficult to manage, and I knew I would have to make numerous trips to the lab, but I didn't mind. I was anxious to start my project.

All I could think of was Kanan, and that day we'd studied together under the tree, the way she'd smiled so gently at me, our discussion of my physics lesson, the warm touch of her hand, and that thrilling reassurance that had blasted through my heart, that knowledge that I'd found her and I'd never have to be alone again. As I began my work on the time machine, I daydreamed about going back to that moment, jogging up that hill and taking her in my arms, touching her and smelling her hair, feeling her body against mine, and knowing she was safe. I would be able to protect her for sure this time. And at night I dreamed about it in such vivid detail that it often woke me up. Normally, such a dream would have filled me with utter despair, but now, unexpectedly, out of nowhere, there was hope to make these dreams a reality, and I sometimes got up in the middle of the night. There wasn't much I could do in the dark, but I'd sit up and read the notes and plan for the day of work ahead of me, polishing every step down to the last detail, or I'd make another long trek back to the lab for more parts.

Of course, it didn't take Gojyo long to notice I was building something in the dormant garden. On the second day of construction, he came and stood on the back porch, smoking and shuddering in the cold. I didn't have to look at him to know what expression he was wearing.

"What in the hell…are you doing, Hakkai?"

"Manual labor," I returned blithely. "Are you so unfamiliar with it that you don't even recognize it by sight?"

He decided not to joke with me, a rarity in itself. "You're not… Tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing."

"I don't know. What do you think I'm doing?"

"I think you're building a time machine…but that sounds crazy even to say out loud, so I really want to think I'm wrong and this is just…some mod for the Jeep, or something."

Jeep, who was perched nearby on the apparatus, looked up at hearing his name and chirped. He was my only companion in this endeavor and he spent all his time roosting and fluttering nearby as I worked.

"This is only an experiment," I lied. "I just want to see if it's really possible."

" _Possible_? You raved for days about how it's possible. I didn't think that meant you were going to _build_ it."

"Yes, well…" I paused to tighten a bolt. "I'm a hands-on learner."

He was quiet for so long I thought he might have gone back inside, but I turned to find him standing there, staring at me with a bewildered expression and an unusual frown on his lips.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"What's the matter?" he echoed. "Hakkai…this is crazy. I can't believe you're doing this."

"Oh, I don't think it's all that outrageous. It's what any physicist worth his salt would do."

"Since when are you a physicist?"

"I got my degree in physics, you know."

"Yeah, you keep saying that but…"

"But what?"

"But that doesn't make you a physicist."

I returned to my work. "Perhaps you don't know me as well as you think you do."

He had nothing to say to that, and then he did return inside.

For days, my machine was all I thought about. I stopped going to work, and even my maintenance of the house suffered. That didn't matter though. All that mattered now was the magnificent possibilities opened up for me. I worked all the more adamantly on it, hardly eating or sleeping, and every day brought me that much closer to the wonderful goal I'd chosen. To think that just a few weeks ago I'd not thought such a thing could happen. Over the last three years, I'd given up, I'd accepted that life without Kanan was my reality, and I'd succumbed to that sad reality. Now, hope had been rekindled. It was still possible for me to have the thing I had desired most throughout my entire life. I wondered at the miracles of science.

Gojyo disapproved of my work. He came and talked to me about the project often enough, making very few opinionated statements, but I could see and hear the objection in his eyes and voice.

"What about Sanzo?" he asked one day.

"I doubt Sanzo is familiar with the fine details of physics," I allowed, welding part of my apparatus together. There was still so much work to do.

"But that mission he sent us on. The more I think about it, the more it seems like a pretty big deal."

"I'm astonished you're thinking about it at all," I chuckled.

"Why? Because you're not?"

"No, it just isn't like you to worry over the errands Sanzo sends us on."

"Those people got killed, Hakkai," he said stonily. "We were supposed to find out how, and why."

"Sanzo never said that."

"Then why did he send us up there?"

"I don't know." I shrugged, wiping my forehead. Even in the bitter cold my hard work made me sweat, and the ferocity of the dream warmed my anxious soul.

"He's gonna be pissed when he finds out we just…gave up."

"We didn't give up though. We investigated, and we found what we were looking for. We did what he asked us to do."

"Not really."

I shook my head. "Well, why don't you go talk to him and see what he wants you to do next?"

Gojyo paused for a long time. His voice was tinged with disbelief and annoyance. "What he wants _me_ to do?"

"That's right. You're the one who's concerned with it. It's your mission now."

He let out a sharp hiss of frustration, and then turned and stomped back inside without another word. I thought he'd let it go. I didn't see any reason why Gojyo of all people should hang on so tightly to such a thing when there were far pleasanter occupations to amuse himself with.

The next day though, while I was hard at work, he returned, and this time Sanzo came with him.

They stood on either side of me, watching me in silence for several moments before Sanzo asked quietly, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Working," I told him brusquely. Not even Sanzo could distract me. Not this time.

"Gojyo says you went to the lab. Finally. I've been waiting for three weeks to hear back from you."

"I'm surprised you didn't come sooner."

"I trusted you to report to me. I thought you'd show up if I waited. But this…" he kicked the machine lightly. "What the hell is this?"

"It's a time machine, boss," Gojyo told him flippantly. "Can't you tell?"

Sanzo turned to gape at him. "A time machine?"

"That's right. The professor here found some notes up in that lab you sent us to, and now he's building a time machine in our garden. Is that crazy or what?"

Sanzo took a long, long pause to process that. "Hakkai," he said, all the more insistently. "What _are_ you doing?"

"Just what Gojyo said. I'm building a time machine, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd not distract me. It's tedious work." I stood back to examine my plans, which I'd pinned to a nearby tree. So far, everything was working out perfectly. I couldn't think of a single reason why this shouldn't work. Nothing would be able to keep me from going back to Kanan.

"Gojyo also said you found the scientists dead in the lab, like they'd been torn apart by an animal."

"That's right. They'd been mauled by something highly intelligent. Likely a youkai."

He processed that before demanding, somewhat impatiently, "Are you going to figure out who did it? Or why?"

"There was no sign of the perpetrator anywhere, so I don't know how you could go about finding them, but judging by the way the bodies were half-eaten, I'd say the reason is likely sheer madness and nothing more. You're looking for a mad, rogue youkai. Possibly more than one. If you put your ear to the ground you're sure to hear more about it at some point."

"What about you, Hakkai? I asked _you_ to find them."

"Yes, I know, and I'm terribly sorry to disappoint, but I'm busy."

He gave up after that, threw a somewhat typical Sanzo-style fit, said he was never trusting me with anything important ever again, and stormed away.

I kept working on my machine.

An average man would have had to work for months, possibly years on the machine. They would have had setback after setback and made many a weighty mistake, but with my superior intelligence at the helm, fueled by my heartfelt mission, I was able to work almost constantly, and with very few problems. Once I had all the components from the lab, the project went quite smoothly, and in a matter of a few weeks, it was nearly complete, and I grew antsy with the anticipation of my journey, viewing it as a moment of ultimate redemption, a point of light, far off in a long, black tunnel.

Gojyo eventually gave up on trying to talk me out of my work. He still hung around and watched me at times, mostly griping about the cold and questioning over and over whether or not the machine would truly work, but even though he didn't berate the idea out loud, I knew it left him unsettled. He must think me mad, but I knew better. I knew this would work.

Several days before the machine was complete, he pulled up a crate I'd been using to set my tools and parts on so as to keep them dry, and sat down. He said my name with the utmost and uncharacteristic seriousness. "Hakkai…why are you doing this?"

"In the name of science," I told him, equally sincere. I was just finishing the cosmetics on the machine. There was little left to do other than make sure the structure was sturdy.

"Yeah… Really?"

Impatiently, I looked down at him. "I know you don't understand, but this invention could change the course of human history itself. There's so much mankind could accomplish with this technology—I would have to be out of my mind to let the plans I found go to waste, to not try at all. That's what human intelligence is all about after all: testing the boundaries of nature and of the human mind itself. Can't you see that?"

He stared back at me, but not with the frustration and confusion he'd heretofore been showing when we discussed this. He picked up a nearby paper from the physicist's notes and looked it over half-heartedly. "That's all cool. I think any other guy that went to college and got a degree in physics would do the same thing…but maybe he wouldn't take it this far. He'd sell the idea, like I said."

"Then he wouldn't be a true scientist. Any physicist who discovered something this monumental would ache and jump at the chance to experience time travel."

"That's not what I'm saying though. I'm saying that _you_ have personal reasons to want to do this…and you can't pretend I don't know it."

Sighing, I paused from my work to face him. "What of it, Gojyo?"

He set the paper aside and studied his boots, smoking quietly, evidently thinking through what to say next. "If you're doing this because of Kanan…I get that," he allowed softly. "Everybody has plenty of stuff in their past they might want to change…but you've had a really fucked up thing happen to you. I don't blame you for thinking about what you could do to fix it. I know that you've thought about that the whole time I've known you. This is just the first time something's come along that might actually work."

"See? You do understand," I said just as quietly. "This could work for me. This could change everything in my life."

"Yeah, man… Everything." He pushed the hair out of his eyes. "Is life really that bad right now that you'd want to totally change it?"

I shrugged. "No, but…it could be much, much better. It could actually be the way I wanted it to be. You know I never meant to be here, living like this."

He nodded and drew a breath. "I just think this is a bad idea."

"Why?"

He shot me a skeptical glance from under his eyelashes. "Don't you watch movies? Hell, you read _books_ don't you? You really don't see how this could blow up in your face, or why it might be a bad idea?"

"Oh yes, popular culture likes to paint these things in an ill light, but this is different, Gojyo. I know what I'm doing."

"Do you really? I mean…it's kinda like that song where the guy goes back in time to save the girl, and he takes all these wrong turns, and sees all this messed up stuff, and nothing works out how he wants it to…"

"Yes, but in the end he _does_ get to where he wants to be. He gets to have what he's after."

Gojyo frowned. "Sort of… He dies, doesn't he?"

I went back to my work, determined not to let him discourage me. "I'm not going to die, Gojyo."

"Maybe not." He stood up suddenly. "But what if this doesn't work? How bad are you going to fall apart? You've put all your hope into this thing, even if you didn't mean to. Even if it just started as an experiment, or something to try, or a fantasy…you're all into it now, and if it fails, what then? Are you gonna be able to deal with that?"

I glared at him. "You make me out to be rather fragile, don't you?"

"No. But I've seen you fall apart. I just…" he scraped the hair away from his face. "I don't _want_ this to blow up in your face, okay? I don't want you to fail."

"I'm not intending to fail."

"No one ever does."

"What is it about this that really bothers you?" I demanded. "Or am I really to believe that my success or failure is where your interest lies?"

He blinked. He shrugged. He dragged on his cigarette and admitted, "If you get in that thing and zoom off into the past…I'm never gonna see you again. Right?"

For a long time, I couldn't answer. I hadn't exactly thought of that, I'd only thought of where I was going and what I could achieve, and how I could change things. I hadn't thought about the aspect of leaving Gojyo or if I'd be able to get back to him. I shook my head, trying to smile. "You don't know that. I've long felt that you and I were meant to meet—that our meeting was inevitable—I know we'll meet again, eventually, perhaps under better circumstances though."

"In the past," he growled. "You'll meet a past version of me, but what happens to me, right here and now, in this time? You'll be gone forever."

The idea dampened my spirits, and an ache of sorrow filled me. I faced him again, laying down my wrench. "I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry. Life has such a broad spectrum, even with the boundaries of time and space and distance… It just isn't possible to be everywhere, or to be with everyone, at the same time. One must make the most logical choice."

"And this is it?" he sneered. "Going back in time to save someone who _died_? That's logical? That makes sense to you?"

"Don't judge me," I snapped. "Don't pretend you wouldn't take the exact same opportunity if it presented itself. Don't act like you wouldn't fly back to Jien and—"

Gojyo winced and cut me off, "I wouldn't. No. Never. Not in a million years. I would _never_ want to go back to _my_ past, Hakkai. It sucked. It's great that you feel like you have a time in your life that's good enough to go back to, but I don't. And right now the future's not looking so awesome either. All I've got is right now, and that's all I want, but if you take off…" He shrugged and stopped suddenly. "Look, it's not my place to change your mind. If this is gonna make you happy, who am I to stop you? Do whatever you want, but I still think it's a bad idea. I don't think you can change the kinda shit you're going to try to change…and if it doesn't work, what makes you think you can come back?" He jerked is head at the machine. "This has never been done before, right?"

"Not as far as I know," I murmured.

"You don't know what will happen. You don't know what could go wrong."

I nodded, but I said, "That's a risk I'm willing to take, I suppose."

Gojyo sighed and looked away, staring at the house a long, long time before he finally threw his cigarette down. "Okay. I can't really blame you. Do what you have to do, pal. I…don't want to make you stay somewhere you're miserable, even if it's in the present."

With that, he walked away, and vanished back inside.

I stared after him a long time, not knowing what to think or even say. Normally, I prided myself in considering all aspects of my actions, but for once I'd been so blinded by what I wanted to happen, I hadn't thought about the possibility of failing, or about the inevitability of leaving Gojyo in this time.

No, that wasn't necessarily true. I may have considered it in passing, but I hadn't wanted to dwell on it. Truth be told, I didn't want to leave Gojyo here. I didn't want to lose the friendship we had. I did earnestly believe I'd meet him again, no matter what time I went back to, and if I could save Kanan, it would be under better circumstances, but I didn't know what would happen to Gojyo in this time. Would going back change things? Were there different times to go back to? I didn't know. The physicist didn't know.

I nearly discontinued the project then and there, because in a world of a million meaningless objects, and unworthy people, pointless thoughts, and unachievable ambitions, Gojyo did matter to me. Could I leave him forever?

I didn't have the answer just then, so I put my things away and went back inside and made dinner, and Gojyo and I ate and talked as if our previous conversation hadn't happened at all, but when I went to bed that night, I felt conflicted by my plan for the first time, and I no longer knew what I should do. In the end, all I could think was there must be some way to make everything work out. There must be some way to have my cake and eat it too, to burn the proverbial candle at both ends. There had to be some way to be with both of them at the same time.

 _I can come back here_ , I thought sleepily. _I can bring Kanan with me. They'd get along famously anyway—I know they would. We can all live together._

It was a happy thought, sleep-addled as it was. I could see it all too easily, the way we would all fit together in harmony, the way Gojyo could make Kanan laugh, the comfort she would bring into both our lives, how the two of us would always be capable of protecting her, the unbreakable bonds of friendship and love that would tie between the three of us… It would be as close to having a real family as I'd ever had. It would be justified.

I fell asleep dreaming that fantasy.

In the morning however, reality came blazing through with the stark light of winter. I didn't know for sure if that fantasy could be possible at all. I didn't know if I'd be able to come back, or what it would mean for the very nature of time if I altered things so drastically. I didn't know if it was wise. Besides, there was no accounting for what might go wrong. There was the chance I'd be trapped forever in the past.

I told Gojyo I was willing to take those risks, and as I ate breakfast and washed the dishes and went back out to the garden to finish my machine, I mulled it over again.

Nothing had ever been as painful as losing Kanan. Nothing had changed my life and my heart like meeting her had. It was worth the risk, wasn't it?

"I've come too far not to try now," I told Jeep, and I continued working. I could see no other choice at this point, because this wasn't even an option for everyone.

All day, I worked on the machine, and this time Gojyo didn't come and talk to me. When I went back inside to make lunch, I found him missing, and even though I waited all afternoon, he never came home. I kept working, and I listened for any sign of him. I checked back into the house periodically to see if he'd come back without my noticing, but he was gone all day. How like him. Obviously our conversation yesterday had annoyed him. I threw myself headlong into my work, blocking out all other thoughts.

When evening set in, I stood back and examined my creation, satisfied to see that the integrity was up to my expectations, and all the mechanisms were in place, and as best I could tell, it was complete. It was ready to make the journey, and now I had only to be ready as well.

When I went inside, I called out, "It's finished!" and Jeep cheered on my shoulder, but the house was dark, and Gojyo was still gone. I ate dinner and sat up waiting for him, tugging at my limiter cuffs and feeling more and more anxious as I waited for him. The night rolled by, but he didn't come. Around three, I went to bed, thinking he'd be there in the morning, and I had trouble sleeping.

He wasn't there though. When I got up, his door hung open, but there was no sign that he'd ever come home. I waited a while longer still before I decided to look for him.

I went into town and looked everywhere I could think of, but I didn't find him anywhere. There was no telling where he'd gone, but I tried not to let it worry me, and I returned home.

The machine was finished, but I couldn't bring myself to get in it and leave. Not without speaking to Gojyo again.

Three days passed and I waited for him, but he didn't come, and in time I felt irritated and somewhat worried. Did something happen, or was he purposely staying away? There was no way of knowing. I laid on the couch for hours at a time, just listening to the silence, thinking eagerly of the trip I was about to take, feeling frustrated that Gojyo's absence was keeping me from leaving.

At last, I got up and began to collect the things I'd need for my journey. There was precious little space in the time machine, so I packed lightly, taking only the most essential items: some food, a survival kit, my notes and plans, a knife, a small first aid kit, and a canteen of water, and then I waited for Gojyo. Surely he'd be back tonight. I'd never seen him go away for more than three days. He had to return soon.

When I went to bed, he was still missing, and I was beginning to feel somewhat heartsick.

I rose at the break of dawn, determined to get started on my journey. There was no sense in worrying about Gojyo, though it did upset me he wasn't here to see me off. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I had a time machine now, and should anything have happened to him, I'd be able to go back in time and rectify the situation.

 _You might never see him again…_ a little voice inside nagged, but I pushed it away. That was ridiculous. Of course I would. I had a time machine. I could now travel anywhere and any time I wanted. I could visit ancient Egypt, so why shouldn't I be able to come right back here, to this moment, and see my room mate?

Even should the machine break, I had my plans, I had my tools and my notes. I could repair it. It might take time to do so, but what was time to me when I could traverse it as easily as sailing down a river? Everything would be fine.

All the same, I left him a note. I had no idea what to say really, so I simply wrote, I'll see you later, and signed my name.

After that, I set out into the garden and prepared for my departure.

With Jeep clinging to my shoulder, I climbed the apparatus and lifted the hatch, setting my bag of supplies inside and making one last check to be sure everything was in working order. Convinced all was well, I hesitated to look back at the house.

It looked peaceful. Snow had fallen last night, but the wind was still, and the trees and roof and window ledges were all dusted in white. The woods were silent. I felt a painful tug at my heart. After three years, this was home. I kept it as well as any dutiful homemaker might, and I'd made it my own. I looked after its contents, as well as the man who'd scammed it away from its original owner. I took pride in its condition. I took comfort in its walls. It gave me security, warmth, and protection. It had sheltered me in the most difficult days of my life, and through every difficulty Gojyo and I had ever suffered, there had always been the consistent reassurance that this place would be here to return to, and that we would be safe within our small fortress.

Desperately, I looked for any shade of red, finding only bleak white, and I felt an emptiness inside but I pushed that away, muttering, "I'll see you again. I promise." And then I heaved myself inside and let the hatch close. I heard it lock into place, and I knew it was time.

I set the date. I drew a deep breath. I pressed the ignition.

At first, nothing happened, and I even wondered if the entire project had been in vain, and then, slowly I became aware of a low-pitched hum. It started out so quietly, I hardly noticed it, but it grew steadily, louder and louder, and the pitch changed as well, climbing higher and higher to a shrill ring.

Jeep shrieked and flapped his wings, thrashing his tail and head back and forth in agitation.

The light around me began to transform as well, the starkness of the winter sun turning more blue, and then it brightened to the point of hurting my good eye. I gripped my seat rests, anxiously, my breathing turning more ragged, my heart beating fiercely, and my mouth turned dry. This was it.

The squealing sound echoed through the trees. Birds took off, cawing in panic and fled into the sky.

Still that blue light grew brighter still, and I felt as if the material around me began to bend as well, quavering as if exposed to extreme heat.

My heart pounded so hard it hurt, and I suddenly couldn't breathe at all. Pain zipped through my head like the worst migraine I'd ever experienced, and I cried out in surprise, clutching my skull. The blue light flashed. The shrill screaming sound reverberated and trilled. A bolt of white-hot lightning crackled across the apparatus of my machine, and then, suddenly, everything went black.

I heard a terrible scream in the dark, and saw bright orange sparks erupt from the dash in front of me. I experienced the sensation of lifting upward and being hurled into the sky. Jeep screeched in my ear and I felt his claws scrape across my cheek, drawing blood. And then a loud boom thundered through my ears. I felt as if my body were turned inside out and torn apart.

After that, I lost consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Gojyo**

"So." I strolled into Sanzo's office. "What's up?"

He glanced past me, staring at the door a moment. "Where's he at?"

"Who?"

"For fuck's sake, Gojyo. Not today. Just tell me where he is."

"Building a time machine in my backyard." I rubbed my freezing hands together. I'd gotten used to cruising around in Jeep, and the walk to the temple had been brutal. "Just like yesterday, and the day before that, and every day for the past month and a half."

Hissing between his teeth, Sanzo took off his reading glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I thought we agreed you were going to convince him to stop that."

"Yeah," I tried. Scraping my fingers through my hair, I thought about the pathetic attempt I'd made to talk Hakkai out of building his stupid machine. Sure, I brought out the big guns, reminding him he was normal and could fail, telling him I was worried about him, admitting I didn't really want him to take off, but I knew there was more I could have done. I didn't try _that_ hard. "Look, man, I dunno why you think I can convince Hakkai to do _anything._ You guys can joke about how stubborn I am all you want, but have _you_ ever tried to talk Hakkai out of doing something he's hell bent on? I don't think so. Know why? It's not fucking possible."

I mean, shit, what was I supposed to do? Hold my breath and throw a fit and force him to cut it out? If he wanted to build a time machine and go back to Kanan, let him. What the hell was I supposed to do about it?

But Sanzo sat there, tapping his pen on the desk and scowling at me. "Does he know you're here?"

I shrugged. "I told him I was coming up here. I don't think he heard me."

Hakkai hadn't been hearing much of what I'd been saying lately. Any time I tried to talk to him about anything other than his time machine, he just mumbled under his breath, usually things that had nothing to do with what I'd said.

A few times, I'd seen him this way before. Anytime he got caught up in what happened to Kanan or how much he missed her, he turned into a zombie, unable to think about anything else. That's how I knew this time machine crap was super important to him—it was all he was thinking of now, and he must genuinely believe it would fix all his problems.

 _Good for you_ , I thought sardonically. _You go back in time and fix all your damn problems and leave me here to deal with mine_ and _Sanzo's all alone. That's fine._

Groaning, Sanzo sat back in his seat. "Gojyo. Go home and get Hakkai."

"Oh, c'mon, man, don't make me do that. I walked all the way up here. "

"It's good exercise for your lazy ass."

"What's the big deal, Sanzo? Tell me what you want, I'll go home and get Hakkai, and we'll do whatever it is you need. He doesn't have to be here."

The boss just sat there with a skeptical frown on his face.

"What'dya want me to take notes so I don't forget anything? I'll take notes." I checked around for a pen and paper to write on.

"That's not it. I don't want you to get one of your famous, brilliant ideas and try to do the gig without Hakkai."

Sighing, I finally sank into the chair across from him. "Look, I'm not gonna do that. That'd be crazy. For the record though, I don't appreciate you inferring that I can't handle—"

"It's insinuating, actually—you're the one inferring—and I _don't_ think you can."

My face fell into a glare. "Believe it or not, he's not _that_ much stronger than I am, and right now, I don't think he's in any condition to do shit for you."

"I _don't_ believe it, Gojyo. Even with his limiter's on Hakkai can kick your ass all up and down this mountain, and you know it, so don't pretend it isn't true. And he needs to get his head out of his ass, that's all. Once he gets away from that…whatever he thinks he's building, he'll straighten out."

"Yeah, well, what if—"

"I'm not going to argue with you about this. Go get Hakkai."

"You know what?" I got up again and headed for the door. "I don't have to do anything, Sanzo. You can find somebody else to boss around."

I heard him lurch to his feet too, shoving his chair back. "I don't have time for this routine, kappa! People are _dying_."

"So go do it yourself."

"What is wrong with you?" he demanded. "Why do you only turn into a complete ass when I need you the most?"

"Maybe because deep down I'm a dick who doesn't care what happens. Ever think of that?"

"I always think it." I heard him stomping after me into the hall. It wasn't every day he chased me, so this must be a pretty big deal. "But I don't believe it. You're the one who came to _me_ tattling about Hakkai just decided to ignore the corpses you found in that lab. Obviously you care on _some_ level."

I paused to look back at him. "You tellin' me this is about that?"

His expression was torn between usual frustration and obvious panic—he really didn't want me bailing on him.

"If it's that big a deal what are you beating around the bush for? Just tell me what you want so I can go get Hakkai—it's not like we have time to waste."

Sanzo sighed and grated out, "Fine. You win. But you'd better promise me you won't try to do this without Hakkai."

Immediately, I laid a hand over my heart. "Scout's honor."

"I mean it, asshole. This is a much, much bigger deal than it seems."

"Nobody wants Hakkai to stop working on his time machine more than I do," I told him irritably. "If you got somethin' that'll distract him for even one afternoon, I'm on it."

He nodded, and I knew he believed me. "I don't know a lot right now, but I found out one of the scientists from that lab survived. Apparently, he's lying low down on the other side of the mountain, in a town called _."

"Right. So if we go talk to him he should be able to tell us what happened to his buddies. Is that it?"

"That would be ideal. I don't think it'll be as simple as all that though…" He gazed out the window to his left at the snow-covered trees. "Every day, I hear another story about someone being found murdered and mutilated—half-eaten really—but there aren't any witnesses. It's happening all over the countryside, and if you start digging into this, I'm not completely sure what you'll find." He turned another highly serious look on me. "Do yourself a favor. Do _not_ try to do this without Hakkai. If nothing else, I'll make Goku go with you, but…" His forehead wrinkled in worry. "I'd rather not…"

Stupid Hakkai sure picked a helluva time to play mad scientist.

"Don't worry, boss." I slammed his shoulder. "I won't go without Hakkai. Good of you to worry though."

The glare came back two-fold. "I'm not worried about you. I need to know what's going on, and if the only person who knows gets killed on his way home it'll be a major pain in my ass."

"Oh, right." I shoved my hands in my pockets, and I couldn't help feeling annoyed with him. "Fuck me, then. Just lemme go home and grab my babysitter. If he's even still in this time."

"Time machine," Sanzo muttered. "Of all the ridiculous things."

As I set out from the temple, I tried to think about what to do. I _could_ go home and try to get Hakkai's attention. If I threw a book at his head, he might stop working on the time machine long enough to kick my ass, but even if I got the chance to explain everything Sanzo had said to me, he'd made it pretty clear he wasn't interested in handling this.

At least if I went by myself I wouldn't waste time walking home just to lose an argument with Hakkai.

On the other hand, it would feel nice to chuck a book at his head. He was being so…

But then again, I couldn't blame him for doing all this. I already knew he'd be with Kanan instead of living with me if he could be. There was never any question about where he'd rather be or who he'd rather spend time with, it's just that it hadn't ever been an option before. Even now, it wasn't _really_ an option. For all he knew, he'd climb into that contraption and have his molecules scrambled, but I guessed it was worth a shot to try anyway. If nothing else, it was probably better than going on a wild goose chase with me.

I took a long look at the path that would lead me home, cluttered with snow and hedged with naked trees, and then I turned to head the other way.

 **Past Gojyo**

I woke up with a start and lay there shuddering. Another bad dream. For three nights in a row now, I'd had these fucked up dreams about pain and dying, and I couldn't make them stop. I couldn't even ask someone to make me feel better. I had to face the dreams alone.

It was early. I could tell from the sharp light tearing through my tattered curtains, and the room was cold. The hard mattress made me feel stiff, but I pulled my threadbare blanket up around my neck and curled my body, snuggling deeper into the pillow. The pillow was the only good part of this bed.

I stared around the room at the bare walls and faded wall paper, the bare floorboards, and the shit scattered around the floor, but my gaze always drifted back to the window eventually, and I thought about what was out there, the hopeful world that seemed so impossible to reach.

In a while, I heard activity downstairs. Voices, and chairs scraping across the floor, dishes clattering together. My throat tightened and my heart raced a little. I waited nervously to hear steps on the stairs, but the voices murmured to each other, and the silverware clinked on the plates, and nobody came.

I closed my eyes, half wanting to go back to sleep, half scared I'd have another nightmare. I bunched my fists in the blankets and breathed carefully, trying to calm the racing pace of my heart.

I barely knew what to think about anymore. I barely knew how to feel between moments of terror and sadness. Feeling sorry for myself didn't help. Trying to hope for something better was even more pointless. The longer this went on, the more hopeless things seemed, and I was about to give up on there ever being a truly good moment in my life, a moment not tainted by fear, or pain, or guilt.

Every day that came, I wished I could run away into it and chase the sun across the sky, from east to west, without looking back, but I didn't know if that was even possible now. It was easier to wish I could just vanish. Not die, I guess, but disappear, stop existing, and maybe if I was just taken out of the world completely, without leaving any memories or traces of myself, everyone one would be happier.

I heard footsteps on the stairs now, and I all but stopped breathing. My heart hammered and I tightened my fists in the blankets until my knuckles ached. How would this day start? Would I get screamed at and hit first thing in the morning? Would I get knocked over and cursed? Or would I get to slip quietly around the house for a few hours first, hopelessly trying to avoid the inevitable?

A gentle knock rapped at my door. A soft voice called my name.

Stiffly, still panting, I sat up and watched the door open.

Jien stuck his head in, shaggy hair falling across his face, serious eyes meeting my gaze. He forced a grin that probably looked like hers did when she smiled. If she smiled. I couldn't remember ever seeing her smile. "Hey," he said gently. "You're already awake?"

"Yeah," I sniffed. "I always wake up before you."

"Whatever, smart ass. Wait til you get a little older. You'll see what it's like. Now get dressed and come have breakfast."

My heart pounded even faster. Breakfast was as uncertain an event as any. Would I get to sit there and actually eat some of my meal? Or would it get thrown on the floor and kicked in my face? Would I spend the morning picking up broken glass and spilled food and mopping the floor?

No matter what happened, there wasn't any way to avoid it, and my stomach growled, so I nodded and threw off the blanket and put my feet on the floor, and grabbed the shirt I wore yesterday, noticing the spot of blood on the collar. I hadn't seen it yesterday, but it must have come from the bloody nose she gave me. I rubbed the bruise at the corner of my mouth and slid into my jeans.

 _Another day…_ I thought tiredly.

For a long time, I had figured this would end eventually. When I was really young, I had thought it might just stop one day, that if I was around long enough, she'd get over it, and she'd change her mind, and she'd start to care about me. The older I got though, and the more I learned, the more I started to realize there were only a handful of ways for this to end, and Mom just stopping one day because she'd changed her mind wasn't one of them.

I snuck downstairs after Jien. The fear was a normal, constant thing anymore. I lived beside it like I lived with my heart pumping blood and my lungs breathing air. It was like being hungry. It was like blinking. It was part of being me, part of going through a normal day as Sha Gojyo. Maybe she'd lose her shit and knock mine out of me. Maybe it would be weeks from now. There was just no way to know. All I knew was, the blow was coming, and there wasn't any way to be prepared for it.

Quietly, I sat down at the table, trying not to look at her. She was just sitting there, smoking her cigarette and sipping her tea, wrapped in a shawl, even though it was summer now. Tangled, wheat blonde hair hung in her face, and she looked pale in the dingy house, especially with her lips painted red. She'd lost weight. I didn't know since when, or why, or what she'd been like before, but she looked really thin to me now, and I knew she was fragile. She was beautiful though. She was so sad. I felt so terrible for her. And what I wouldn't give to reach over and close my hand over hers and squeeze it, to tell her things would be okay. She had Jien. She had me. We would take care of her.

If I ever tried that, I know she'd bust my nose. She didn't want me touching her, and who could blame her? She'd done her job making sure I knew how filthy I was.

Jien set a bowl of porridge in front of me and then sat down, glancing between the two of us before he started eating.

I stirred my porridge around, not eating. There just wasn't very much of it to start with. Mom wasn't eating at all. Sometimes, I wondered if she went without so we could have something, but I'd given that idea up for the most part. She didn't care if I ate. She didn't care if I starved. Jien kept me alive the best he could. Jien was keeping everyone alive, and part of me didn't understand why he even bothered. She was miserable, and I was a curse. We should both die, and then she could be with Dad, and I could just…fade.

Shaking the thought away, I looked over at Jien. "You going to work today?"

He nodded. "Every day, buddy."

I tried to hide my disappointment. The older we'd gotten, the more Jien was gone it seemed like. When he was just going to school, that was one thing, because he'd be away for a set amount of hours, and he always hurried home. Sometimes he even came back during recess or lunch to make sure I was okay. At least he'd been home on the weekends.

He'd dropped out of school a while ago because Mom quit her job, and now it seemed like he was gone all the time, working long hours, even on Saturday and Sunday, and it left me in a weird place. On one hand, I knew he had to work to support everyone. On the other hand, I was at her mercy while he was away.

I tried to smile anyway, looking up from my porridge. "What about that girl? Did you ask her out yet?"

Jien's eyes popped as he stared at me.

On the other side of the table, Mom stopped in mid-sip and echoed in a quiet voice, "Girl?"

Scowling now, Jien shook his head at me, and I realized he must not have wanted her to know. Nervously, I checked her expression, but her eyes were hidden behind her bangs, and her upper lip was stiff. "What girl?" she asked softly.

Jien sighed. "Her name's Seitakura… She's nobody. I just work with her."

Mom stayed frozen just how she was, and I froze too, my heart rate picking up again.

"You asked her on a date though," she said.

My brother shook his head. "No. No, I didn't. He's just teasing me."

"Jien," she set her tea cup down suddenly, but her voice stayed surprisingly calm, and she sighed. "We discussed this. There's a time to think about girls, but this isn't it. You're still so young."

"I'm eighteen," he argued. It wasn't often he argued with Mom, and it made me all the more nervous. I gripped the edge of the table, ready to jump up and out of arm's reach. "I think I'm more than old enough to have a girl in my life."

Mom's red lips twisted into a gentle smile. "Believe me, Jien, eighteen year olds can make terrible mistakes." She suddenly stabbed a long fingernail at me, and I flinched back. "Just look. Just look what happens when eighteen-year-old sluts fail to keep their legs together."

I held my breath. If anyone said anything else about it, she was going to jump on me—I knew it. I recognized that edge of hysteria beginning in her voice.

Jien knew, too. He lowered his gaze back to his porridge bowl, not even daring to agree with her.

Mom went on anyway, viciously now, "Stay away from that little whore, Jien. I don't want you to end up like your poor father."

"Yes, Mother," Jien agreed under his breath, and then he stuffed the last of his porridge in his mouth and asked to be excused. She just nodded, smoking again.

I scrambled out of my seat and ran after him as he went outside.

It was a bright, summer morning, and dew still hung on the grass and leaves. I heard birds chirping in the oak tree beside the house, and the quiet flutter of voices in the town. The grass in our yard was getting really tall—almost to my waist—but Jien said he didn't have time to cut it. I thought maybe I should cut it, but it seemed like any time I did anything around here, whether it was helpful or bad, or right or wrong, I always got in trouble.

I followed my brother to the road and looked around. Ours was the last house on the block, and the forest opened up beyond it, lush and green and singing with life, little sunbeams bursting through the canopy, and a little path led into the trees. On the other side, the houses were shabby but well-kept. Everyone else made sure to trim their grass and prune their trees and tend their gardens. I watched the neighbor ladies standing at their fence, chattering and holding babies on their hips. Others were heading into the market, arms linked, carrying baskets, skirts fluttering. Kids ran toward the school house, and I didn't see any men—they were all at work. Everyone else seemed like they had a normal, happy family.

Jien hesitated and looked down at me. He said quietly, "Stay away from her today, okay, buddy?"

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I didn't mean to tell her about Seita…"

"That's all right." He patted my head. I loved the way it felt when he touched me. He was the only person who ever touched me without hurting me, and it made me feel so safe… I didn't want him to leave. "I should be home around eight. Just stay away from her until then."

He started to go, but I asked, "Jien, how come she doesn't want you to have a girlfriend?"

Sighing, he stared down at the road and the toes of his worn out shoes. "That's a complicated question, Gojyo… I don't know how to tell you the answer."

"Can you tell me later? When I'm older?"

He looked at me again, more serious and sorrier than ever. The older I got, the surer I felt that Jien didn't think I was ever going to _get_ older. I was starting to feel that way too… I could barely imagine being an adult like him. She wouldn't be able to hit me anymore… Maybe she'd be scared to. I would never hit her back—not in a million and two years—but I knew she wouldn't believe me if I told her that. I was pretty sure by now that Mom wouldn't let me get old enough to fight back.

My heart thumped, and I swallowed hard, trying to smile up at him. "Have a good day, 'kay?" And then I hugged him really quick around the waist, and he ruffled my hair one last time before turning and walking away.

I watched him go down the road before heading back to the house.

Mom was waiting for me on the front steps, giving me that piercing, furious look she always did. "Come here," she ordered, in that serene voice, with the hysteria still hedging in.

I froze. I didn't want to. I didn't dare. I was scared to… But I had to, or it would be worse.

I shuffled over to her and stared down at the grass, trying with every part of me not to shake. "Yes, ma'am?"

"Look at me."

I squinted hard and bit my lip, forced myself to look up at her, and she glared down at me with that anger and hate gleaming in her eyes.

"Do you understand why Jien can't be involved with that girl?"

I thought I had some idea. Jien was all she had—all she _felt_ like she had anyway—and she didn't want someone to take him away from her. If I gave her that answer though, she'd hit me. Fuck. Who was I kidding? She'd hit me no matter what I said now…

"That girl will put her claws in him and drag him down. That's what women do, you understand? That's what that _woman_ did. It's her fault Jien and I are in this position. It's _your_ fault. If Jien shacks up with that slut, we'll be out on the streets."

"That's not true, Mom," I said quietly. "Jien wouldn't leave us—"

"Shut up." The blow came as sharply and quickly as I expected it to, but I still wasn't ready, and I accidentally bit my tongue. "Don't you tell me what he would do! He's my son, you little monster! _Mine_! And no one's going to take him away from me—not this slut named Seitakura, and not _you_!" She hit me again, pounding me in the side of the head, and this time I tumbled back into the grass. She grabbed the collar of my shirt and dragged me up, popping me in the mouth over and over.

I didn't beg. I didn't try to fight or escape. I didn't cry. I'd learned so many times that it wouldn't do me any good. There was only one thing that would calm her down and make her stop, and it was something I couldn't offer her. Not yet.

With one last, powerful backhand, she knocked me in the dirt again, my nose gushing blood, my lips busted open.

"You son of a bitch!" she screamed, tears pouring down her face. "How dare you tell me that! How dare you tell me what _my_ Jien would do! How dare you try to come between us! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!" She kicked me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me. "Get out of here, you little bastard! Go! Go! I don't ever want to see your horrible face again!" And then she turned away, covering her hands with her eyes and started bawling and wailing. She collapsed on the steps and sat there sobbing and screaming.

All around us, the neighborhood must have heard her, but no one came. No one even looked. No one paused their happy conversations to stare. They pretended it wasn't happening.

Wiping blood and dirt off my face, I got up again, holding my bruised stomach. I stared at her, watching her cry, feeling like each scream cut through my heart. I wished I could do what Jien did. I wished I could put my arms around her and comfort her and make her stop crying…make her feel better the way he made her feel better. I knew she'd never even let me touch her.

"Mom…" I croaked, reaching toward her anyway. "I—"

She picked up a rock and winged it at me. It wasn't very big, but it bounced off my shoulder, and a new spot of sharp pain welted there. "Get away from me!" she screamed. "Get away! Get away! Get away, now!"

Slowly, I stepped back, still staring at her.

She threw another rock. "Go!"

I felt the way the dog must feel, in those movies where the kid has to chase it away because it's in danger. So confused. So hurt. Wanting so bad to make everything better. Not being given the chance. Watching someone you love suffer…

I turned at last and walked out of the yard and up the street. Blood poured from a cut above my eye. It was an old wound, but she must have busted it open again. Crimson ran down my face from my nose and mouth, staining my shirt.

Around me, the neighbors wouldn't even pause to glance. It was like they didn't see me, like I didn't exist.

A couple of kids dashed by, chasing each other. One rammed me with his shoulder, maybe on purpose, maybe by accident, but he didn't yell a sorry or laugh at me, or call me a freak, or tell me to get out of the way. He just kept running and rounded the corner like it didn't happen at all.

I mopped more blood from my lips with the sleeve of my hoodie, and rounded the corner also, going into the market place, where I could fade into the crowd and watch people, knowing they wouldn't even notice I was there. As I went, I lit a cigarette and took a deep breath, trying to settle the nervous twist in my stomach and the painful racing of my heart. It wasn't anything new—she'd been doing stuff like that to me for almost six years—but the wild feeling and despair it gave me never went away.

She'd gotten more careless about it too. There was a time when she would never have hit me outside for all the neighbors to see. There was even a time when she wouldn't have hit me with Jien anywhere close to nearby, I think. I guess she'd realized since then that the neighbors didn't care what she did to me, and that Jien either couldn't or wouldn't stop her either.

Trying to get my mind off it, I paused by a fruit cart, my grumbling stomach reminding me that I hadn't finished my porridge.

It seemed like every fruit I could imagine was for sale there: oranges, and pears, bananas, peaches, and even fresh berries. I lost my appetite when I saw the red apples though. Once upon a time, I had thought that if my hair and eyes were a different color Mom wouldn't hate me so much, and even though I'd already learned better, I still couldn't help wishing I was different. I thought about dying my hair sometimes, but what was the point? My red eyes couldn't change. And people already knew what I was—Mom already knew what I was—it wouldn't make them change the way they treated me.

When I'd been standing, staring blankly at apples for a few minutes, the fruit vendor, Mr. Ten popped up from behind a pile of melons and leaned forward, gnashing his teeth at me. He was missing a few, and his breath smelled like rotten yogurt. "Git! What've I told you about standin' around my shop, boy?"

Startled, I took a step back. "Ojiisan, I was gonna…" I reached into my pocket, feeling the last couple of yen I had, but he rattled his staff at me.

"I said _git!_ Take your thieving fingers away from my produce!"

I barely managed to duck under his cane, and then I jogged across the street to stand in the alley while he went on yelling at me.

"Crazy!" I yelled at him. "I was just gonna buy somethin' from ya."

Around me, everyone in the crowd was giving me the same dirty look, frowning like I'd done something terrible, and whispering to each other about what a terrible kid I was.

Wiping my bloody nose again, I turned to duck down the alley, thinking this would be a good day to stay out of town. I grumbled loudly, "I can find fruit just as good in the woods anyway! I can probably find fruit just as good in the trash!"

I stopped short, nearly running into another boy who'd appeared out of the shadows to stand in my way. He was just a couple years older than me, but he was a full head taller and a lot heavier, wearing a wife beater to show off his toned arms. He had sandy hair and black eyes, with a mean smile. Two of his pals stood on either side of him. They weren't as tall or as buff, they looked as nasty.

"Oh, hey." I grinned up at them, lighting another cigarette so they'd think I was cool. "What's up, Taro? You skipping school again?"

Taro raised one eyebrow like he couldn't believe I had the balls to talk to him. "My dad sent me over here to get some new equipment."

I nodded eagerly. Taro's dad was the greatest hunter in town. He was usually gone all winter, trapping in the mountains east of us, but he was a legend while he was away, and a source of interest when he was home. "Knives? I can help, if you want. I'm tight with Raeki."

His mouth curved in a sneer. "Who the hell is Raeki?"

"Raekishima, the knife guy." I pointed down the road to where Raeki had set up his little knife shop. "I bet I can help you get a good deal."

Taro's friends laughed, but he just looked even more pissed off, even in the face of my winning smile. "Raekishima's a crook, but even if he wasn't, we're not after knives. Not that it matters. I have a hard time believing _you're_ tight with anyone."

I didn't let my smile fade. "Well, tight as I _can_ be, at least. He doesn't chase me away threatening me _every_ day."

Taro snorted, not at all amused, but he looked toward Raeki, and I thought he even looked interested, so I went on.

"I bet I can get him to cut you a deal."

The three of them looked at each other, and I tried to look casual. A long time ago, I'd given up on trying to get the good kids in town to like me. Most of them were either scared, or their parents kept them away from me, and tough kids like Taro, who had the tendency to be assholes were my last chance at making friends.

I didn't know why I still cared about making friends with anybody in this town. I'd been trying my best for almost twelve years, and no one seemed to care, but I couldn't help it. When I watched the other kids run and play together around the school yard or in the streets, I felt jealous. I'd never had a friend my age, and I was lonely. Jien kept getting older, and I knew the day was coming he wouldn't want to play with me anymore. If he hooked up with Seita, he wouldn't have any time for me at all.

At last, Taro looked at me again, a sly smile curving on his lips. "You think you can?"

"Sure. Raeki's cool. Check it out." I gestured for them to follow me, and then I turned around and marched right up to Raeki's shop, Taro and his friends trailing behind. As usual, nobody was there. Raeki wasn't the most popular person in town—there were rumors that he stole most of his merchandise from neighboring towns—and the upstanding citizens tried to avoid him. On the bright side, that made him more willing to tolerate me.

The four of us gathered around the line of tables where Raeki had his stuff laid out on clean clothes. There were switchblades and butterfly knives with ivory handles, tantos with black, matte blades, hunting knives, stout combat knives with serrated edges, throwing stars, pocket knives, scimitars, and a small collection of quality katanas. He even had a broad sword, nearly as long as I was tall. As I looked it over, I felt proud of myself for knowing what I was looking at. Jien bought his own sword from Raeki a few years ago, and he wouldn't show me any moves with it, but he was good. I thought I could get closer to him if I understood, so I started hanging around Raeki's shop, and when he was in a good mood he'd teach me a little about knives.

Taro and his friends each picked up something that caught their eye and examined them with that nervous fascination kids have. I grabbed a red-handled switchblade, popped it open, and sliced at the air.

Raeki was sitting back under the shade of his awning, twirling small blade through his fingers. He was a few years older than Jien, really buff from all the sword practice he did, with scraggly chocolate hair he kept in a wolf's tail. He glared at me, the pink scar over his eye shimmering in the morning light. "That's just what you need, Gojyo," he scoffed. "Put a knife in your hands and you'll be a thug in a couple years."

I glared at him, pretending to be annoyed. "I'll never be a thug."

"Yeah right. You're already halfway there."

"Whatever." I hacked at the air again. "Jien'll show me some tricks, and I'll be a swords master before you know it."

He laughed under his breath, emerald green eyes glinting, and then he got up suddenly, shoving his knife back into the sheathe on his belt. "The hell do you kids want anyway? This isn't the daycare."

I set the switchblade down and picked up one of the katana, sliding it halfway out to look at the dazzling steel. "We came to see if you've got any good deals going on."

"Yeah. Only for people who got _money_ though."

"You got money, right?" I asked, looking at Taro.

He shrugged.

One of his friends whined, "Money? You made it sound like you and Raeki are friends. What do we need money for?"

I glared at him. What a total idiot. I had to be nice though. This could be my chance. If I showed these kids how cool I could be, maybe they'd let me hang out with them. "Oh, well yeah, but I didn't say he'd give you shit for free." I smiled, trying to hide how stupid I thought he was.

"Bah." The third kid dropped the knife he was looking at back onto its cloth. "You're all talk, huh, hanyou? Let's go, Taro. My mom wants me to stay away from this little scammer anyway."

Taro nodded, and passed me, shoving me with his shoulder. "This is cheap crap. We'll go to my house. Dad has _real_ knives in his collection."

I watched them swagger up the road, trying to hide my disappointment. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow…

"You get dumber every day," Raeki scoffed, sitting down again and starting to smoke. "Even if those kids let you into their group, they'd just be using you."

I looked questioningly at him. "Using me how? I don't got anything."

He shrugged. "Who knows? They'd find some way. Now get outta here—nobody'll buy anything if they see your cursed ass hanging around my stand."

With a sigh, I put the katana back and walked away too. That had been a total bust. I didn't get what Raeki meant about Taro and his friends using me. I thought you had to have something to use before people could do that.

Still, I thought I wouldn't even mind it if they _did_ just want to use me. It would beat not having any friends at all, wouldn't it? I started a new cigarette as I thought about it. Even if someone let you hang around just because they had something you wanted, or they could always get you to do things their way, it had to be better than spending every day alone, watching everyone else have a good time. You could pretend not to notice they were using you. You could pretend they were really your friend.

Maybe I should try that next. I wasn't very good at anything, but maybe I could pick up a skill and get really good at it, and then people would have some reason to want me around. There had to be something I could do that people would want to use me over.

I hadn't gotten very far when I heard angry shouting behind me, and I turned to see Raeki elbowing his way through the crowd, lugging his most expensive pieces with him. "You little son of a bitch!" he roared as he closed in on me. "I knew I shouldn't have let you hang around my place!"

I stared at him, thinking he had to be screaming at someone else. I mean, it was normal for people to scream and call me names, but I hadn't done anything.

 _Since when does that matter?_

I watched him get closer, still ranting and foaming at the mouth. "You good-for-nothing little fuck-job! Wasn't I _just_ saying you were gonna turn out to be a thug? Guess you're starting even earlier than we thought you would!"

No, he was definitely yelling at _me_. I stared up at him, trying to think of what I did to upset him. "What? What did I do?"

"Don't play innocent with me!" he screeched. "That switchblade! Where is it?"

"What switchblade?"

"The one you were playing with, dickhead!"

"I dunno what you're talking about—"

He snagged the front of my shirt, lifting me off the ground and shaking me. "Don't you lie to me, asshole! Where'd it go?"

My heart started racing all over again. "I-I don't know."

"You have it!"

"I put it back on the table…I just—"

He shook me harder, snapping my head back. "You took it! I know you took it!"

I pried at his hands, but they were like iron. "I did not! I don't have it!"

"You swiped it right off my table!" He looked so mad, I barely recognized him, and green fire burned in his eyes. The scar on his face quivered. "You took it right out from under my nose! You thief!"

Around us, people had paused to watch. I looked helplessly at them, but they all shook their heads and whispered about how I was going down the wrong path. I tried one more time. "Raeki, I-I swear I wouldn't—"

"Piece of shit!" He threw me to the ground suddenly, and I landed heavily in the dust, scrambling to get up. "You should know better than to steal from an arms dealer! Even a dumb mule like _you_ should know better!"

I heard the terrifying sound of steel on steel as he drew his sword, whipped around to stare as he stepped toward me again, the blade sparkling in the sunlight.

"Raeki…" I squeaked. "No, I didn't… I didn't take anything from you!"

He came at me though, making a grab for my hair.

Yelping, I sprang to my feet and dove out of the way just in time.

"You're gonna pay!" he thundered. His eyes flashed murderously, and suddenly all the bad things I'd heard about Raeki came back to me—that he'd killed somebody once, that he stole the stuff he sold, that he couldn't be trusted because he was dangerous.

Damn.

I dodged away from his grip again and leapt into the crowd, shoving past people and squeezing between them. I felt hands claw at me, trying to catch me, but I was quick and I slipped through their fingers, squirmed out of the onlookers, and sprinted up the street, running for all I was worth.

Raeki screamed, furious, and from the sound of things he was right behind me.

Shit.

Someone tried to get in my way and I dove between their knees and rolled to my feet, but I lost a little of my head start, and I tripped as I kept running. I scanned the crowd for any sign of Taro and his gang. They must have grabbed the knife when I wasn't looking—that was the only thing that made sense—if I found them, maybe I could save my ass.

Of course, I had to think about the fact that if Raeki killed me I wouldn't have to worry about Mom beating me up anymore…

I didn't see any sign of Taro's gang. They were long gone by now, if they were smart.

Jien though… Jien was at work a few blocks from here… If I could just get to him, he could help me.

I pelted down the market street, knocking over a barrel of water as I went, hoping it might slow him down, but when I looked over my shoulder, Raeki just leapt over it. It didn't even faze him.

My heart was in my throat as I faced forward again. If he caught me I didn't know what would happen. All I knew was it wouldn't be like if he caught Taro. It wouldn't be the same for me as it was for all the other kids in town. I'd already seen that nobody in this town had any mercy to spare for me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hakkai**

I opened my eyes, and harsh light burned my retinas, much different than the pale winter glow I shut them to. I blinked, trying to clear my vision, attempting to understand what I was seeing. Everything looked fuzzy around me, but I made out the blinking lights on the dash of my control board. Other than that, the machine was dark, illuminated only by warm sunlight.

Jeep hung close to my face, nose hovering near my own; he chirped a tentative greeting as I sat forward in my seat, moaning and rubbing the bridge of my nose.

"What happened?" I murmured aloud, and for a long moment I sat there and pondered the strange take-off I'd experienced. It was odd, and yet at the same time, I had no way of knowing how natural it had been. If I'd truly traveled back in time, no one had done it before me, and there was no way to know what it ought to be like.

As my vision cleared and I began to regain my faculties, I felt a surge of eagerness. Had it truly worked? The date I'd set still glowed in ice-blue numbers on the dash, but had I really jumped backward some five years to that sultry morning when I'd studied beneath the willow with my beloved? It sounded too good to be true.

I heaved myself up and thrust the hatch open, and then I crawled out of the machine, squinting in the sunlight. I dropped to the ground, massaging my aching head, and looking around, more bewildered than ever.

It appeared I'd come to rest in a forest so similar to the one I'd left I wasn't entirely sure I'd gone anywhere at all, though our house had vanished, and the terrain did appear different—rockier—and the woods weren't nearly as dense. The weather had also changed drastically, from winter to summer. I stared around at the sparse branches, looking for any sign of something familiar, and then I turned to Jeep, who had perched on the lip of the machine. "In any case, it looks as if we've certainly gone _somewhere_. Back in time, or perhaps…"

I trailed away there. With the current, limited amount of information I had, it was impossible to know where or when I was now.

For a long minute, I stood in the forest, listening to the birdsong and wondering what to do. Part of me thought my wisest course of action might be to climb back into my machine and go home to Gojyo, but then it seemed silly to have wasted this much time and effort.

At last, I sighed, "Well, we may as well investigate." I retrieved my satchel of supplies from the machine, and offered Jeep my arm. "Come along."

He fluttered down to take his place on my shoulder. After turning around a few times, I chose a direction and began walking, hoping I'd find an indication to my location somewhere along the way.

The woods were peaceful at least. Birds sang constantly, and light shimmered gently through the trees, leaves drifted gently in the wind, and it smelled heavily of earth and pine. All was still.

Regardless, I'd been so eager to reach my goal and so anxious to reunite with Kanan, and I'd already spent so much time waiting for Gojyo, I couldn't help feeling impatient, even with the natural beauty surrounding me. It occurred to me that I had no way of knowing where to go—everything looked much the same—and I didn't have enough supplies to see me through a lengthy excursion. Of course, I could forage for roots and berries, and I might even be able to hunt, but I hadn't planned on a setback like this one.

Of course, I had known the time machine would take me back five years without altering my location, and then I'd planned to go off and find Kanan. It took me roughly a year to reach Hyakuganmaoh's castle after I left our town, but I'd wandered for much of that time, and I'd had to ask and search and kill to find it…

I pushed those memories away. That had been a terrible time in my life, and it was a wonder I'd gotten so far, impeded by such grief. My anger alone had fueled me.

This time, I knew where I was headed, and I had Jeep to take me. It should only take a few days to reach Kanan in the town where we'd gone to college.

Provided I could figure out where I was now… As for the time machine, we'd have to come back to it.

I paused and looked back the way I'd come. I couldn't see the machine now, but perhaps I should have put some effort into hiding it in case someone else stumbled across it.

After thinking on it a while, I decided there was no need. Anyone who might find it out where wouldn't know what it was, let alone how to operate it, and they wouldn't be able to move it without help. I could get my bearings and go back to hide it later.

Jeep flew from my shoulder suddenly, chirping excitedly, and I looked up to see I'd nearly reached a road. I could just make out its sandy path cutting through the trees from east to west, and a pair of men traveled along it. They were rustic-looking people, dressed in common, earth-colored tunics with wide-brimmed hats on their heads and fishing poles propped against their shoulders.

Relieved to find people so easily, I rushed toward them, shouting, "Excuse me!"

They stopped together, watching in wonder as I burst out of the woods and trotted toward them, murmuring to each other.

"Excuse me," I panted as I trotted up to them. "I apologize for the surprise, but I'm a traveler, you see, and I'm a bit lost. Could you tell me if there's a village of some sort nearby?"

They glanced at each other, and I noticed they looked like father and son. The older man combed his fingers through his snowy beard and jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "_ Town is just half a mile that way, young feller."

Somewhat confused, I looked that direction, and I saw the rooftops of several tall buildings rising over the trees. "I see. I've never heard of _ Town before…"

Both men took their time examining my attire, and the elder gentleman ventured to say, "You're not from around here, I take it."

"No…I'm from quite far away, I believe."

I face them again, bowing, "Thank you, ojiisan. I appreciate the help." I began walking to town, but I felt my brow furrowing with confusion.

I prided myself in being savvy in geography, and I knew most of the towns near where Gojyo and I lived, just as I'd known the places near my orphanage, and my school, and my home with Kanan. Not knowing anything about _ Town left me unsettled. Normally, I might worry that the time machine had misguided me and taken me either into the distant future or the ancient past, long before the town where I lived with Gojyo even existed, but the clothes worn by the men I'd met hadn't been that outdated. They'd been the regular fashion within my lifetime.

Still the time machine _had_ apparently taken me into uncharted territory, and I couldn't leave until I understood where I was or where I should go. I wasn't ready to abandon the dream of saving Kanan. Not yet.

Jeep swooped down to land again on my shoulder, and I reached up to pat his head. "Don't worry, I'll straighten this out soon enough."

I arrived in town shortly, and entered as inconspicuously as possible, still troubled at the idea of not knowing what time or place I'd come to. I might be walking into a tribe of enemies, long forgotten, for all I knew.

However, _ Town turned out to be a placid, albeit quaint place, decently sized, but quite plain. Most of the homes and shops I passed matched, painted white with brown trim and latticed windows. The paths, although made of dirt, were kept tidy and obviously maintained regularly, and there were lanes full of trees and rich grass. The air rang with the sounds of cheerful voices and the sweet laughter of children.

Still, there was something wild in the spirit of the town as well. The forest grew close to the buildings, and in some spots seemed to cut through the town entirely, providing natural parks. I passed a small, white schoolhouse, engulfed in a thicket of maple and aspens, and a collection of children frolicked there, squealing and playing rowdy games I recognized from my days at the orphanage. Most everyone kept neat yards, hedged by fences, but thick with brush and flower beds with the forest looming in all four directions, I felt one didn't have to go far to escape into the wild.

I paused at the apothecary shop, where an aged woman busily swept her doorstop and scolded her husband good-naturedly. Her yard was overgrown with plant life—flowers of every shape and color, herbs, exotic shrubs, and a towering willow.

The tree reminded me of my mission to locate Kanan, and I called out to the crone, "Konnichiwa, obaasan. Please pardon my intrusion."

She looked up, blinking with filmy eyes. "Ohayo gozaimas, onisan. Are you here for my remedies?"

"No, I'm afraid not. I'm a bit lost, you see, and I'm looking to get some clue pertaining to my location. I'm on my way to a city called Cheng."

The older couple exchanged questioning looks, and the man puffed his pipe. "Never heard of it, onisan."

My heart sank. "I see…" I surveyed the town. There were a number of friendly-faced strangers. Surely one must be able to help. "Would you be so good as to direct me to this town's thoroughfare? I need to purchase supplies."

Simultaneously, they pointed up the nearest crossroad, and the old man coughed, "Watch your wallet in this town, onisan. There are pickpockets running rampant."

With a grateful smile, I bowed and continued on my way.

The market was a bustling place, teeming with life, and buzzing with energy. People clustered together outside shops and gathered within them, haggling and arguing; young mothers toted bawling children, and merchants led mules hauling carts of produce. I saw a group of men tossing dice at the mouth of an alleyway, and many of the vendors hollered at me as I passed, with greedy looks in their eyes. Most of the merchandise I saw, outside of food products, appeared cheaply made and overpriced. I passed a man shouting at a jewelry salesman, yelling over and over, "You liar! You cheated me! You're a crook!"

A shady fellow in a long coat stepped in my path, hissing, "Onisan, want to buy something good? I sell rarities from half a world away, and at an out-of-this-world bargain."

I pushed past him with a polite no thank you.

The further I went, the more overwhelmed I felt. This place bore a subtle danger—not violence, but a certain indication that these people would steal the shoes off your feet while you weren't looking. I noticed a number of them eyeing Jeep with interest, and I murmured, "Stay close, little one."

He purred in my ear.

Another merchant jostled against me, crying, "Buy, buy, buy! I'm going out of business over here!"

I automatically checked my pockets to make sure I hadn't been swindled amidst the distraction. I'd brought plenty of money along, but I knew I didn't want to spend it here, and I wasn't sure who I could trust to put me back on the right track instead of leading me into a trap.

When I passed a liquor store not overflowing with seedy customers, I stepped inside, mopping my forehead with my sleeve.

The man behind the counter examined my apparel and said wryly, "Hot for a coat, ain't it? It's August, after all."

"Ah, is it? Pardon me, sir, but you wouldn't know the way to Cheng from here, would you?"

He screwed up his face. "Only Cheng I know of is way, way back east, thousands of miles, stranger."

I tried not to let that dishearten me. I had Jeep—driving several thousand miles still wouldn't take _too_ long.

I dug the map out of my bag and unfurled it across the counter. "If you wouldn't mind, could you show me where I am?"

The man studied me, disbelievingly. "How lost are _you_?" And then he tapped a meaty finger to the spot. "'Bout here. And Cheng's way over here, east here."

It was my turn to stare in astonishment. I was thousands of miles west of Chang'an, let alone from _Cheng_. It would take weeks to reach Kanan.

"How on earth did I get so far off course?" I blurted out.

The man shrugged. "Askin' myself the same thing 'bout you now. Weird, meetin' a stranger with no clue where he is." He pulled a cheap can of soda out of a nearby cooler. "Here. On the house. You deserve it's my guess."

Distractedly, I accepted the can, but I couldn't even begin to make sense of what had happened, or how to rectify it.

Tucking the soda into my pack, I stumbled back out onto the street and stood there, gazing into the distance while strangers shuffled by me, grumbling that I was in their way. I couldn't understand this…

I hadn't designed the time machine to move from one location to another—I hadn't wanted to waste time on that when I had thought it would be a matter of driving from Chang'an to Kanan—I didn't understand how it had brought me here, so very far away from not only my goal, but my starting point, without me programming it to.

More importantly, what ought I to do now? The machine was much too large for me to take with me, even in Jeep's car form. Did I really have to drive all the way to Cheng, fetch Kanan, turn around and come all the way back to this place? That could take months!

What would happen if I got back into my machine and tried again? Would I wind up back at home? It was possible I'd become even more lost than ever. What if I couldn't ever get home? What if I couldn't even get to Kanan? I should have asked the man in the liquor store what year it was. It could be I was in the entirely wrong time as well! No…no, why should I be? I'd set the proper date. Ending up in the wrong location was a minor setback. That was all. I'd figure it out.

My stomach growled and I frowned to myself, murmuring to Jeep, "Perhaps, for the time being, the best thing to do is find a place to sit down, take a meal, have a cup of tea, and regroup."

That sounded like as good a course of action as any. I glanced around the market for any sign of a decent restaurant, and I suddenly wished, deeply, that Gojyo were beside me. He'd make this more bearable at least.

Suddenly, down the road I heard a terrible commotion. Men shouting angrily and women shrieking, the clatter of wood hitting the ground, and the gasps of startled pedestrians nearly being run off the road. I looked up to see a strange sight: three strong, able-bodied men sprinting through the market place. The man leading the way was fearsome—tall and brutal-looking, with powerful muscles and a curved sword in hand. Just ahead of them, a child ducked and wove through the crowd, elbowing past walls of people, tripping and zig-zagging, bounding through the market like a stray dog and knocking things over in a desperate attempt to stall them.

I stared, mouth falling open. The child had shaggy hair, exactly the color of blood.

They all swept past me like a windstorm, so quickly I could hardly grasp what was happening, but my eyes stayed glued on the boy as he jagged by. He had a lean, lithe build for his age, and was tall and awkward, the way children are between the ages of ten and fourteen. He looked so much like Gojyo, I could hardly believe what I was seeing could be real.

As quickly as they'd come, they vanished around the corner, the boy skidding as he changed directions, and the men loped after him like wolves.

A second later, I whipped around and darted after them, shoving people out of the way indiscriminately. Jeep let out a shrill cry and dug into my shoulder to keep from flying off as I picked up my pace. Happening across a child of taboo was rare, but not so rare as to keep me from taking action. There was no doubt in my mind that the child must be of mixed blood, because no parent in their right mind would let a son that young dye his hair such an inappropriate color.

I ripped around the corner, running so fast I thought for sure I'd overtake them easily, but I found myself in a labyrinth of alleyways, with several directions to choose from, and it forced me to slow my pace and look around and listen carefully.

To the left, I heard a young voice cry out, and I heard the incensed voices of the men cursing and making threats. I sprang that way, rounding another corner into a narrow corridor, dim with shadows.

Halfway down the alley, the four of them had gathered together beside a dumpster. The man with the sword had the boy by the shirt collar and had shoved him back against the wall. I heard him growl, "You ought to lose a hand for stealing from me."

My blood ran cold.

The boy's voice fluttered as he objected, "But…I didn't…I swear I didn't…"

"Shut up!" The man struck, a vicious blow that knocked the boy into the dumpster, and then he heaved him forward, slinging him against a pile of old crates. "Hold him down!"

At once, the other men grabbed the boy by the wrists, twisting one arm behind his back and pinning the other out in front of him so as to give the man with the swords a clear strike.

The boy begged, "Please, Raeki, listen to me! I didn't take it!"

"Then where'd it _go_?"

The boy simply shook his head, whispering. "I don't know… I don't…"

"You're such a liar. I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget." He raised the sword high over his head.

"Raeki! Don't! Please!"

I raced forward and rammed Raeki as hard as I possibly could, infuriated by the scene and in no mood to hold back. I struck him in the ribs with my elbow, using all my might, and he smashed against the wall of the alley and crumpled up at once, holding his side and gasping for breath.

The other men gaped at me, too astonished to react.

"I suggest you let him go," I warned darkly.

Still, they didn't move, and I had no patience. I seized the man nearest me by the hand and popped his wrist out of place, wrenched his arm to the side, simultaneously snapping his elbow and dislocating his shoulder. He howled and collapsed back into the dumpster.

The last man released his grip on his small prisoner, but I snap-kicked him in the knee, shattering it, and watched coldly as he fell in a heap, whimpering and clutching at his leg.

"You…you fucker…" Raeki was rising again, gripping at the wall for support, the tip of his sword scraping the ground. He was tenacious to even bother; I'd likely broken every rib on the left side of his body. "You're…standing up…for this bastard?"

"Yes. I didn't realize it was odd in this town to come to the aid of children."

Gnashing his teeth, he took a feeble swing at me with his weapon, but I knocked it out of his hand and caught him by the throat. With a final heave, I slammed him back against the wall, and he slumped to the ground, either out cold or dead. I didn't care which.

With all three of them incapacitated, I turned to the object of their torment, where he stood bracing himself on the crates he'd almost lost his hand against, shoulders heaving, body quivering violently.

"Are you all right?" I asked gently, taking a step toward him.

He nodded. His ragged pants filled the alley.

"Did they hurt you?"

He shook his head and then straightened up, releasing a sharp breath.

"Here now, perhaps you ought to sit down to compose yourself, and then I'll escort you back to your parents."

He whipped around to look at me, evidently bewildered by the offer, and I started to smile, opening my mouth to reassure him, but the words fell short as my tongue went lax.

The face I found staring back at me was strangely familiar. It was youthful and pale, with intelligent, slanted red eyes and thick brows, and though most of its features still retained the softness of childhood and the scars were missing, I recognized the beginnings of a firm jaw, broad brow, and straight nose I knew very, very well.

It must be a mistake, I thought. It must be my mind playing tricks on me.

Jeep screamed at the sight, flapping his wings, and he suddenly flew from my shoulder and landed on the edge of the dumpster, gazing with animalistic intensity at the boy's face.

I continued to stare, mouth hanging open, and the longer I looked, the surer I felt that what I was seeing was indeed the real thing: a child version of my own room mate.

Little Gojyo looked back at me with mild confusion. His eyes were so different. Not in shape or color, but in their spirit and the emotions they let shine through. They looked so bright and full of hope, they almost weren't his eyes at all. Still, the rest of him was unmistakable.

When it was clear I wasn't going to speak, he wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt—exactly the way he would—and I realized he'd been struck repeatedly. Dried blood was streaked across his forehead and his lip was busted. His nose was bleeding and his eye was bruised. His elbows and palms were scraped, and both knees of his faded jeans were torn. Still, he looked at me exactly the way he normally would, unashamed of what he was, and I waited expectantly for the string of curse words and the typical "what did you step in for? I was doing fine" line that would inevitably come.

Instead, Gojyo suddenly lowered his eyes and raked the hair from his face. "Thanks…"

I felt as if I must be having an odd dream. But no. No, I'd climbed into a time machine this morning, and now fate was playing a strange trick on me. Instead of finding Kanan again, I was meeting my best friend in his own childhood. He couldn't be any more than eleven years old.

He gestured to the men who I'd knocked down. "That was really bad ass… How the fuck did you do that?"

I failed to find my tongue, again.

Gojyo cocked his head, curiously. He pointed to the man with the sword. "That's _supposed_ to be the baddest guy in town. You took him out with one blow."

Typically resilient of him, more concerned with the display of my prowess I'd shown than with the fact that he'd come very close to losing a hand.

He waited a while for me to reply before adding, "I didn't steal nothin' from him, by the way. Some other punk-ass did and pinned it on me." He touched his own wrist as it dawned on him what he'd narrowly escaped from and his eyes widened slightly, his face paled. "They just didn't believe me…"

Those words were uttered with a dispassionate tone of despair, as if that were terribly common for him, and there was simply no avoiding it now.

 _Fatalistic cynicism, or fatalistic optimism. This is where that began…_

What would have happened if I hadn't come? Ten years from now, Gojyo still had both his hands…

I shouldn't have stepped in, I realized. I may have altered the course of history itself. I may have changed his entire life with that one act.

I hadn't known though. I hadn't realized.

 _I should have known I was in the past though. I should have known better than to get involved with anything I saw here._

That was absurd though. I'd gone back in time for the very purpose of altering the past.

 _Mine though. Not Gojyo's_.

Little Gojyo continued to look at me. He ended all my doubts, succinctly, when he stuck a cigarette in his mouth and lit it.

 _Eleven years old…and already smoking like tomorrow's never coming._

I'd always known he did that…and yet, actually facing the image of a child with a cigarette in his mouth was almost too shocking to handle. I leaned back against the wall. I didn't think I'd blinked since he turned to face me, and Jeep was still staring as well, equally amazed.

"Don't you talk?" Little Gojyo demanded, with his usual impertinence.

"I…"

He frowned, and then something new must have occurred to him. He gripped a handful of his hair and tugged on it. "Oh… Right. You didn't know." He shrugged. "Well, thanks anyway." And then he turned on his heel and started back the way he'd come, limping slightly, but he had the same cocky swagger I'd always known him to have, as if he intended to be the very king of the dilapidated corner the world had forced him into.

Jeep watched him also, crooning softly.

Like a bolt of lightning, I realized I couldn't allow him to walk away from me believing I was appalled by him. No matter how it altered the future, I couldn't let Gojyo go off thinking I regretted helping him because of his blood.

I strode after him. "Just a moment, G- Onisan…"

He paused and looked over his shoulder at me, eyebrow raised. "You're callin' _me_ sir?"

"It's only polite," I husked.

"I'm eleven. And I'm…" He spread his arms in a gesture that seemed to say "this way."

I approached him with some caution, knowing whatever I did next could change everything forever. "I'm sorry for being rude. You…you look very much like someone I know."

His skepticism increased, and disbelief flooded his face. "You know somebody who looks like me?"

"You could be twins… Only, he's older than you, so of course, that wouldn't make any sense. Brothers though, certainly. You could be brothers…"

His face lit up at once. "You're talkin' about Jien, right? Ha! I knew we had to look _kinda_ alike."

"No…" I felt as if I might fall over from the shock I was experiencing. "No…not… This man isn't _really_ your brother."

Gojyo nodded, and then blinked. With that unexpected perception he rarely showed, he said, "Wait. I never said Jien was my brother."

"Oh…I… Excuse me. I assumed."

"Well, I mean, he is. But how did you know?"

"I assumed," I repeated, very quietly.

He studied me a moment longer, likely put off by my odd behavior, and then he nodded and shrugged. Normally, he'd say "well, see you around," and walk off, but he didn't this time, he continued to watch me with growing interest.

I gestured to the mouth of the alley. "Let's get away from this place, shall we?"

With that, I led the way back to the main street, and little Gojyo followed, not half a step behind. Together, we made our way through the throngs of people, and right away I noticed the way they looked at him, the disdain on their faces and the way they muttered to one another, and it was more than obvious that he wasn't welcome here, even if it was his hometown. Furthermore, they looked at me oddly as well, as if I were strange just for walking beside him.

Jeep was restless as we moved along, crawling from one of my shoulders, around the back of my neck to the other, and then back again. He didn't understand that we'd gone back in time, I thought, and he must not understand how we could be seeing a miniature version of Gojyo.

When we reached the edge of the market, where things were quieter and the crowd less dense, we paused, and I still had no idea what to say. I'd done my part to help him, and now it would be wisest to return to my machine and set a new course, and go on my way with saving Kanan, before I altered things further.

Gojyo looked up at me. "Well, thanks again…"

I faced him, studying him all the more intently, drawn once more to the signs of abuse marring his skin and the lack of the scars that had always been there. It occurred to me that I had been given a unique gift, getting to meet Gojyo before the single event that had shaped his life and transformed him into the man I knew in my own time. It would be the same as meeting Sanzo before his master died, or Goku before he was locked away, or getting a chance to speak to my own, young self, before my parents separated and destroyed what would have otherwise been a happy home.

With that thought in mind, I threw my inhibitions to the wind. "Are you hungry?"

Gojyo blinked.

"I'm traveling, you see, and I just stopped in this town to get my bearings. I'd be in your debt if you could show me a decent place to dine. I'm afraid I'm rather lost."

"You don't look like the kinda guy who gets lost."

"Oh, well yes, normally that's true. This time though, I am. Utterly. And I'm also rather famished."

"Famished…" he echoed quietly, brow wrinkling.

"I'm starving," I amended.

He cracked a grin, and that at least was exactly the same as it had ever been, child-like and cocky. "I can show you a good place. C'mon." With that, he started out again.

I followed him back through the town, out toward the outskirts where the grass grew tall and the trees were more abundant, and there were fewer people. The sun was rising higher, and I felt utterly dazed by the circumstances. When I came into this town, I'd thought it picturesque and the citizens had seemed friendly, but now I saw it in a new light, knowing this is where he'd grown up, where everyone had looked the other way, ignoring his plight. It sudden appeared to me as a community of unfeeling cowards.

Gojyo stopped in front of a small café built beside a large pond, where I heard all types of waterfowl singing and squawking. The building itself was steeped in sunflowers. Appropriately, the place was named The Sunflower. "This place is nice," my small guide told me, smoking carelessly. "I hear it's not too expensive, and they don't serve dog, like some of the other places do."

"I appreciate that." I approached the door. "Shall we?"

He stayed where he was, watching me without a word, and when I gestured for him to come along, he said, "Nah, that's okay. I'm not really… I don't have any money." He cast a furtive glance at the Sunflower.

"Nonsense, you're my guest."

I waited for Gojyo to complain about that, and tell me he didn't need my hand-outs, and remind me that he wasn't my charge, or that he didn't ask me to feed him, but he merely scuffed at the ground and said quieter, "I'm not supposed to go in there."

"Why not?" I looked for any sign that the café might not be child-friendly, but it appeared to be welcome to everyone. I didn't see as much as an indication that I wouldn't be allowed to bring Jeep inside, let alone a little boy.

Instead of answering, he moved forward, hesitantly. "I guess we'll see…"

Smiling, I opened the door and led the way inside.

The outside looked as pretty as the inside, with plenty of large windows and natural light, ornate furniture, and a color scheme of violet and green. A beautiful girl several years younger than me met us at the door. "Konnichiwa, Onisan! One today?"

"Two," I corrected.

She looked down at Gojyo, and he eyes grew wide. "Um…I'm sorry, sir…we don't…"

"You don't serve children?" I demanded.

"Well…yes, we do."

"I fail to see a problem then." I pointed toward one of the windows away from the kitchen. "We'll take a seat over there, if you please."

"Sir…we can't…"

I raised my eyebrows at her. "I'm afraid I don't understand, oneesan. Are you turning away our business?"

The girl shook her head emphatically, grabbed two menus from the nearby counter, and took us over to the booth I'd pointed out. She poured us some water and walked away, disappearing into the back.

Gojyo watched her go, biting his lip, but I sat back in the booth with a sigh. "You were right. This is nice. Exactly what I needed, thank you." And I smiled at him.

He met my gaze and smiled back. "Yeah. You're welcome. I should thank _you_ though, yeah?"

"You already did," I reminded him gently.

Gojyo spent a moment fidgeting with the condiments on the table. He opened a packet of coffee creamer and dumped it in his mouth, just like taking a shot, and I couldn't help laughing. He grinned at me. "What's your name anyway?"

Since, in a way, we knew each other already, I hadn't even considered the need for introductions, and I felt somewhat embarrassed by my lapse in manners. "Oh, of course. Excuse me. My name is Cho Hakkai."

"I'm Gojyo. Sha Gojyo…" He stuck out his small hand, even though I'd never known my room mate to shake anyone's hand other than my own. It was a terribly formal thing for him to do, and he often joked about how he didn't know where other men had been. Already, I could see a dozen things that must have been altered by the passing of time and hardships.

When the introductions were finished, he leaned back in his chair as well. "You said you're not from around here, right? Where are you from?"

"Very far away," I murmured.

"Where're you headin?"

"To…well…I'm not exactly sure anymore. I was en route to a city in the east known as Cheng."

"I've never heard of it."

I marveled a moment over the fact that the two of us had originated in places so far away from each other, and yet had somehow found one another in Chang'an. Always in the past, meeting Gojyo had seemed almost natural to me. Of course we'd met. Of course we'd become friends. As far as I'd been able to tell, he was meant to be a permanent part of my life. Now, for the first time, I realized what a tremendous coincidence it was that we'd both been there on that night when we saw each other for the first time.

Of course there were smaller coincidences I'd pondered before, like the fact that if he hadn't been heading home so early I would have been dead by the time he happened across me, or that if I had fallen down just a few feet off the path he might not have seen me at all, but that was different than coming to the realization that we'd each traveled thousands of miles from our hometowns, only to end up in the exact same place, as if something had drawn us there. Sanzo as well had come from quite a long ways away.

Next, little Gojyo pointed at Jeep. "What's with your pet?"

Jeep barely shifted on my shoulder, and he continued to stare unblinkingly at Gojyo. I scratched him under the chin, but he even ignored the attention, he was so utterly absorbed by the strange sight in front of him.

"This is Jeep."

"What is he? Some kinda dragon?"

"Yes, that's right." I smiled. "Would you like to hold him?"

Gojyo's face brightened. "Can I?"

"Of course," I laughed, and then looked at Jeep. "Come now, Jeep, don't be rude. Say hello to Gojyo."

Jeep crooned, slipped down from my shoulder and slunk across the table, raising his head to look into Gojyo's eyes. Nose to nose, they stared at each other, measuring one another, and then Jeep suddenly chirped and licked Gojyo's cheek, just where the scars should have been.

Little Gojyo laughed and stroked his neck. "Hey, boy. You're cute."

Still crooning and chirping, Jeep climbed to his shoulder and wrapped around the back of his neck, nesting in his hair and nipping at his ear, while Gojyo laughed and petted him, and I looked on, feeling strangely affected by his innocence and gentility. Gojyo and Jeep's relationship had had a rocky beginning, filled with shouting, and biting, and blame, and it had left me with the impression that my room mate wasn't any kind of animal lover. They got on much better these days, and yet they still kept their distance, rarely interacting with such intimacy, but now it looked as if Jeep were happy with the opportunity to be friendly with Gojyo. Perhaps it was my friend's disposition that had daunted their friendship all along.

"Animals don't usually like me," little Gojyo told me, beaming and scratching Jeep behind the ears.

"Hm." I sipped my water. "I can't imagine why. Well, Jeep is quite friendly, and he's a wonderful companion, always coming to my rescue when I need him."

"He doesn't really look like a fighter."

"No, he's not, but he has other talents that make him quite useful. And he's loyal."

"Where'd you get him?"

"I found him, as it were, injured, and I nursed him back to health. I've been fortunate enough that he chose to stay with me after that."

Across the room, a meaty gentleman emerged from behind the curtain that led to the back of the café. He scanned the dining area until his eyes landed on us, and then he waddled in our direction, huffing and red-faced.

"Oh, here comes the man to take our order." I picked up my menu. "I've been so distracted I haven't even chosen what I'd like to eat. It's lunch time though, isn't it?"

Instead of answering, Gojyo watched the approaching server nervously, and he suddenly put his cigarette out.

The man reached our table and stood over us. "You," he snarled, pointing a fat finger at Gojyo. "What did I tell you about begging for scraps in here?"

Little Gojyo gaped at him, beginning to object, "I'm not…"

The man turned to me, bowing. "I apologize, onisan. If this urchin is bothering you, I'd be happy to remove him." He grabbed Gojyo's arm.

I hadn't been expecting anything so shocking, but I was so outraged by the suggestion, it didn't take me but a second to reply. "You'll do no such thing. I invited him to eat with me, and if you remove him I won't be favoring you with my business."

His bushy eyebrows shot up, and Gojyo as well stared disbelievingly at me. "O-onisan," the man argued, "there's no need for you to go. This boy is—"

"My guest. I'd appreciate it if you'd take your hands off him."

Both of them were so bewildered, they actually exchanged quizzical looks, and then the manager tried once more to reason with me.

"Onisan, don't you understand? This boy is a hanyou. He—"

I stood up, throwing my napkin down. "Oh, you've opened my eyes, ojisan, thank you very much."

Gojyo's face fell, and the manager looked triumphant, tugging him out of the booth.

Jeep gave a small yap and sank his teeth into the man's hand.

"Ow! Dammit!" The manager released Gojyo at last, shaking his wrist, likely more shocked than hurt.

"You've helped me realize," I continued, "I have no desire to eat here." I offered Gojyo my hand. "Let's find somewhere else, shall we?"

He did a double-take of my face and then of my hand. "Wait. What?"

"Surely this isn't the only café in town. We'll simply take our business elsewhere."

Slowly, he took my hand, though I could see he still didn't understand, and I helped him out of the booth and guided him in front of me, both hands on his shoulders. Once, he looked back at the manager, expression openly amazed, but I murmured, "Don't give him the satisfaction. Just pretend he doesn't even exist." I opened the door for him and pushed him out of the Sunflower Café.

"Well, I'm slowly getting a tour of this town anyway. Where shall we go next? I'm hungry enough to eat anything now, I think, even dog, so why don't you choose something?"

Gojyo simply stared up at me, eyes as wide as plates. "Why did you do that? I could have left."

"I don't abide well by rudeness, not at all." I smiled pleasantly.

Jeep ruffled his mane and chirped a sulky agreement.

"Yeah, but…"

"No yeah buts, if you please. I'm not overly fond of them either."

"Hakkai-san," he pulled away from me and took a step back, expression mixed between horror and resignation. "I got you kicked out of a restaurant."

"No, no, quite the opposite. I left of my own free will."

"That guy was right though. I'm a hanyou." He looked away suddenly, frowning. "I'm…only half human."

"Yes…that's true."

He nearly fell over as he looked at me again. "That's true? That's all you have to say?"

"Well, I knew that already. It's not exactly a secret." I couldn't help tugging lightly on a strand of his crimson hair, and then I added, "I told you I have a friend who looks like you, did I not?"

"You didn't say your friend's a hanyou," he grumbled.

"Of course he is. He's also an incredible person, irreplaceable, and I would never sit in a restaurant where I thought they might chase _him_ out, so I certainly won't eat there." I gestured to the Sunflower Café, where the manager and wait staff had gathered by the window to stare out at us.

Little Gojyo smiled reluctantly, sadly, as if afraid to believe me.

I gripped his shoulder and began to pull him down the street again, "Now choose somewhere we can eat. I'm really getting quite hungry, and I can be testy when my blood sugar is low."

"I don't think any of the nice places in town will want me around."

"Then they must not be nice places. Very well, if you can't think of anywhere you'd like to go, I have another idea."

"We could order food to go?" he suggested tentatively.

"Something like that," I answered warmly, and then caught his hand and pulled him along with me.

We returned to the market, which had calmed down some in the last hour or so, and I purchased food from the various vendors there: fruit, cheese, bags of chips bottled water, and several sandwiches from a deli. I still had the soda the man in the liquor store had given me earlier, which I gave to Gojyo, and then we found a grassy spot to sit down in the shade and eat.

Gojyo plowed through the food as if he'd not eaten in days, and he chattered incessantly, but I didn't mind. The more he talked, the better idea I got of what this young version of Gojyo was like, and it caught me by surprise exactly how cheerful he was. I suppose I'd always pictured him as being somewhat downhearted and terrified, considering the things I knew he'd been through, but over the course of our lunch I learned he had an overpowering well of hope inside him, and he didn't seem to dwell on the dark aspects of his life. Then again, he didn't talk about his family or his home life at all, and I didn't ask.

"So your friend," he asked when he'd finished his sandwich and was focusing on the chips and soda. "Where is he?"

"Oh, I…left him at home…" I remembered with sudden regret the way he'd tried to talk me out of going back in time, and how I'd ignored him.

"You guys live together?"

"Yes, we've been room mates for three years now."

"He must be a pretty cool guy. Is he as old as you?"

I smiled and laughed to myself. "Almost. He certainly doesn't act that way though. He still acts as if he's nine, and I'm beginning to think he always will."

"My brother always tells me I'm really mature for my age."

I looked curiously at him. "Does he?" I supposed in a way that might make sense. I assumed little Gojyo had more than his share of adult problems to sort out, and perhaps, for the time being, he was genuinely making the effort to face them with adult-like maturity. I wondered at what point that would stop.

 _After she tries to kill him…_ I told myself, and that thought was like a chunk of ice sitting in my stomach.

"Yep," Gojyo chirped. "He says I'm really tough."

I found I couldn't look at him just then. Did Jien believe that childish toughness would be enough to get is brother through seven years of living on the streets? I couldn't imagine abandoning him to that fate, even if he _could_ nearly get his hand cut off and not cry about it.

Suddenly, Gojyo leaned over and touched the knife riding on my hip. "Are you good with this?"

It was easy enough to remember the way I'd slaughtered the youkai in Hyakuganmaoh's castle with little more than a knife very similar to the one I wore now. "I'm not sure… I know my share of martial arts."

"My brother is really good with his sword. He's only been practicing a few years, but he's super talented. Everyone thinks so. He said our dad was a good fighter too…" he stopped suddenly, as if he wished he hadn't mentioned his father. He likely expected me to ask why he was referring to the man in past tense, but I didn't, so he went on. "Have you ever killed somebody?"

I looked disapprovingly at him. "That's an odd question, Gojyo-chan. You shouldn't ask strangers such personal things."

His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and he blinked, but he went on, "Sorry… Just…the way you took out Raeki, like it was nothing… Plus those other guys. It really seemed like you knew what you were doing."

"Believe me, survival is a much greater teacher than murder."

He nodded and tugged the sleeve of my coat, "Will you show me some moves? Don't say no, 'kay? I know I'm a kid, but I wanna be good with knives and swords and shit, like my brother."

"Ah, perhaps. But only if you promise not to say shit anymore. It's impolite for a young man to talk that way."

Again, his face turned a little pink, and he even looked worried, so I ruffled his hair and smiled. "Those types of words are for adults, you know." And then I stood up and pulled the knife from its sheathe, twirling it from one hand to the other. "I take it you've held something similar in the past."

He got to his feet also and nodded. "Jien lets me play with his knife sometimes."

"Yes, well knives are not toys, and therefore are not to be _played_ with, ever, do you understand?"

He nodded solemnly

"A knife is a tool. A dangerous tool. They serve a purpose and a proper application. Carrying a knife does not by any means give a man the right to pick fights with other men, or to take things from the weak. Carrying a knife simply means that if a man picks a fight with you, or attempts to take things from _you_ , or takes it into his head to harm you, you'll be able to defend yourself and drive him off. However, if you're not well-trained, and you don't know how to use the tool properly, you're just as bad off as not having one at all. Do you understand?"

Gojyo nodded again.

I handed the knife to him suddenly, knowing he'd be faced with much more perplexing challenges in the future, and holding a bowie knife would not make much difference. "Show me what you do know."

He adjusted his grip a bit uncertainly. "Um…I really don't…know very much."

"I find that somewhat difficult to believe."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Intuition, I suppose. Also, you're holding it properly."

Slowly, he shifted his stance, standing with his feet a shoulder width apart and crouching.

"You should protect your neck," I advised. "If you tuck your chin and cover your throat with your hand, you can also protect the majority of your torso, including your heart, with your elbow. Far better to get cut on the arm than in the lungs or neck."

He clasped his hand to his neck. "Like this?"

"Don't forget to tuck your chin, and hold your arm tightly against your body."

He readjusted, and I nodded, watching him swing the blade back and forth through the air.

"You're too stiff," I explained. "Pretend as if you're buttering a piece of bread—back and forth, very smoothly."

He tried again, and then I took the knife back to show him myself. I let him practice basic knife drills a little while before allowing, "You seem to have some grasp of the basics at least, but I wouldn't let overconfidence get the best of you. Until you've fought blade against blade with another man, there is no way to explain what it's like to rely on that tool to save your life." I took the bowie knife back and returned it to its sheathe.

Gojyo appeared somewhat disappointed by its disappearance. "If we had another knife, we could spar."

"Does Jien let you spar with him?"

He hesitated and then shook his head. "He's probably scared ta hurt me…"

"I would hope so. Well, perhaps later, if the opportunity presents itself." I resumed my seat on the grass to drink from my bottle of water, and he sank down beside me, expression considerably reverent.

"What do you do anyway?" he asked. "Are you some kinda assassin?"

I laughed. "What makes you ask if I'm an assassin?"

"You're traveling by yourself, and you're good with knives and fighting." He shrugged. "That's all I guess."

"No, as a matter of fact I'm a school teacher. I teach cram school part time back home."

From his expression, I could tell he wasn't sure if he should believe me. "You teach kids?"

"Well, I'm more of a tutor than anything. But yes. I teach children of all ages. My youngest pupil is five now, I believe, and my oldest…" I pictured Goku trying to add and subtract oranges, gave another laugh. "My oldest is almost eighteen."

"What's your roommate do? Is he a teacher too?"

I laughed so hard at that, I almost fell over backward laughing. "Goodness, no. He's not suited to anything so strenuous or serious. No, no. He plays for a living."

Little Gojyo cocked his head. "So what, he's like a musician?"

"No, even that would be far more commitment than he's apt to handle."

"I don't get it."

"You will some day."

He lifted his head. "When I grow up, I wanna be a sailor."

"A _sailor_?" I echoed in astonishment. In all my life, I'd never pictured Gojyo on a sailboat. "That's a difficult life to lead."

"I know, but I think it'd be cool, being on the open ocean, fighting the storms, and shit like that, seeing the world. If I get good with a sword or a knife, maybe I could be a soldier of fortune, or something like that. I dunno if I'd wanna be an assassin though… But like a knight kinda, going around and fighting off assholes, rescuing girls. I could sail all over the world and just help people out." He flopped back on the grass, arms pillowing his head, and took a good, long look at the clouds. "It would be cool just to be free."

Sadly, I looked at the sky as well. Gojyo had never mentioned any juvenile aspirations to be a sailor, a soldier of fortune, a knight, or a hero of any sort. I wondered if he'd completely forgotten those dreams, or if he'd simply realized they weren't for him. I could see it though, strangely enough. If things had gone differently for him here, I could see my room mate having all the fortitude and courage required to take on such occupations, as well as the compassion and good nature he'd need to help people in exchange for a meal or a place to stay the night.

 _You might have made a decent knight errant, Goj… You certainly came to my rescue out of nowhere…_

"You certainly have a few skills you'll need to learn first," I told him with a smile. "And it would help to move to the coast."

"Have you ever been to the coast, Hakkai?"

"Not yet," I said quietly. "But perhaps some day I'll see it with you."

I spent the remainder of the day with little Gojyo, and it was surprisingly easy. So many years had passed since I'd spent any quality time with a child, particularly since I tried to distance myself from them these days, and I'd forgotten how much fun they could be. Considering that this particular child was also my best friend, essentially, wasting the day away with him was my pleasure. I was genuinely interested to hear what he had to say and to go where he wanted to go, to sightsee around his childhood town and visit his favorite locations, and learn about the various people who were in his life. It all painted an incredibly vivid picture for me, and needless to say, it wasn't quite what I'd imagined.

My room mate said so very little regarding his past, I'd had to make up most of the setting in my mind, and although much of what I'd pictured was more or less realistic, his hometown was a good deal nicer than I'd expected. The people were obviously the least pleasant aspect of the place.

All day long we had encounter after encounter with Gojyo's ill-mannered neighbors. The men yelled and cursed at him, the women turned away from him, and what few children we encountered snickered at him as we walked by. It didn't take long for me to realize he didn't have even a single friend in this town.

I had to admit, above my curiosity and my own enjoyment, that fact kept me from leaving again. The longer time went by, the more often I told myself I really _ought_ to go back to my machine and leave this time and place, but I couldn't leave him, not when he seemed so genuinely happy to have company.

Periodically, Gojyo expressed his desire for me to meet his brother and suggested we go visit him at his place of employment, but I always found an excuse and avoided it. Obviously, Jien would have no way of knowing who I was, and although I didn't know him either, I knew what he would do. I doubted I could speak to him without contempt.

By the time evening began to set in, I felt as if I'd been everywhere in town and learned more than I ever would have hoped to, and I should be able to leave now. I should go back to the time machine, set a course to Kanan, and get away from this place, and yet that seemed like it would be harder than ever.

Gojyo and I walked together toward the southern edge of town, where the houses seemed shabbier and the people weren't as well dressed. I also saw more youkai. We crested a hill, and Gojyo pointed down the lane, to the very last house. "That's where I live."

Even at a distance I could see it wasn't a nurturing, well-tended home. The grass was much taller than in any of the other yards, and it didn't have any flowers, the paint was chipped, and the windows were dark. The woods crowded in on the back yard.

"Where're you staying tonight?" Gojyo asked after a term of silence.

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that."

"Do you have money for a motel?"

"Yes, I suppose I do." Since I hadn't known for sure if I'd be returning to my own time, I'd brought every coin of my money I could find, and thanks to my modest lifestyle, that was quite a bit.

"You could stay with us," he suggested easily. "That way you'd save money."

I heard ill-concealed hopefulness in his tone, and when I looked down at him it glowed in his eyes as well, and I could only imagine his reason for the offer.

On one hand, such generosity was quite normal for him, a quality that would evidently last over the next decade until the day he would nurse me back to health in his own bed, but just like that day, so many years from now, there was a more complicated reason behind it; there was loneliness and fear he wanted me to dispel without having to ask.

My heart felt heavy with guilt as I said, "I don't know, Gojyo-chan. I wouldn't want to impose on your parents."

"I don't have a dad," he explained, as if that changed things somehow. "It's just me, my mom, and Jien."

"Still, do you think it's wise to invite myself into your home? I'd rather not stir up any unnecessary drama."

When I used that word, Gojyo's eyes flickered, as if something had occurred to him, just as I had assumed it would. After all, his stepmother was unbalanced enough to attempt to kill him, and I didn't want to give her any excuse to hurt him tonight.

Slowly, Gojyo nodded. "Yeah… Mom can be a little… Maybe you're right." He rubbed the back of his neck and stared toward the house. "So where're you gonna stay?"

"Perhaps I'll just camp somewhere."

"But…" He blinked up at me. "You don't gotta sleeping bag or nothing."

"It's or anything. And it hardly matters. All Jeep and I need is a good campfire."

He nodded, but he still looked reluctant. "That's cool. Are you leaving tomorrow?"

For a long time, I didn't know what to tell him. Again, I remembered that I shouldn't be here at all and that I had somewhere else to go, a different goal to achieve, and still…I didn't want to leave him, nor could I take him with me. "I don't know," I told him at last. "Possibly."

Gojyo nodded again and scuffed at the dirt. "Well, it was nice to meet'cha…"

"Yes, you too."

He smiled sadly. "And…thanks again for helping me."

"Think nothing of it. Be more careful from now on, and we're even."

"Do you believe I didn't steal the knife?"

"Of course," I smiled. "I know you didn't."

His face brightened into a grin, and I could only imagine how it felt to him to hear someone put their faith in his integrity. "'Kay," he chirped. "I better go meet Jien. It's almost eight, yeah?"

"Nearly."

"I hope your trip's safe—if ya come back this way again, stop and say hello."

I chuckled. "I certainly will." But my heart felt as if it were breaking a little. I couldn't help reaching forward to cup his face, thumb sliding along the place where the scars would one day be, and I thought of all the years that would pass before the two of us would meet, and the hard things we would both face first. What a shame we couldn't have met at an earlier age. We would have been good for each other.

Gojyo looked surprised by the touch, but he didn't push my hand off or back away. We stared into each other's eyes for a few moments before I said quietly, "Take care of yourself, Gojyo-chan."

"I will."

With a smile, I let him go and turned to leave. Jeep turned on my shoulder and chirped at him, a contrite goodbye.

"Hey, Hakkai. Wait!" Gojyo jumped after me and grabbed my arm. "Hang on a sec…"

"Yes?" I turned to him.

He was biting his lips a little anxiously, and he looked vaguely afraid. "No…nothing… I'm just glad I met you. You're… Not everybody's nice to me like you are." He shot a glance toward the house at the end of the lane. "Nobody is…"

"They're fools."

"I know, but they're in charge."

"That's true, I'm afraid." I said carefully, "You have your family though."

He snorted. "Right." And then he let go of my sleeve. "I better go meet Jien. Bye, Hakkai." With that, he suddenly turned and ran back the way we'd come.

I watched him until he was out of sight, and then I walked down the hill and into the woods.


	4. Chapter 4

**Past Gojyo**

As I ran to meet Jien, I felt excited and nervous. I couldn't stop thinking about the stuff that happened today. It almost felt like a dream to me that somebody stepped in when Raeki wanted to cut my hand off, and then fed me and played with me all day. I never would have thought such a cool person could even exist.

Hakkai wasn't just nice though, he was super smart and strong too. It seemed like he could do anything. I hated that he had to leave now and that I'd probably never see him again. I almost told him about Mom and the way she treated me. All day it had been right there on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't know what he would do. Would he care? What _could_ he do? What could anyone do? Everyone in town knew how she was, but no one ever did anything. Of course, they really didn't care, and Hakkai seemed like he would. He said he had a friend who was a hanyou, and that must be why he'd put up with me all day. But what could he do to help me?

I almost asked him if I could go with him to Cheng. It was a long way, but I could make it if it meant getting out of this town. Of course, Hakkai wouldn't want some kid tagging along with him on his long, important trip. He wouldn't say yes, I knew that. I just wanted to ask. I just wanted him to know about Mom. I just wished he could help me somehow. I'd never felt quite like that before. I'd noticed that nobody cared, and I'd told myself I didn't need them to care—I would be okay even without them—but Hakkai made me feel safer than I'd ever felt before, and I wanted him to protect me.

Hakkai was young though. He wouldn't want to take care of a kid.

 _I can almost take care of myself. If I brought my own stuff and carried my own weight…maybe he wouldn't mind so much…_

Jien though. I couldn't leave Jien with her.

 _Jien's an adult now. It's not like I can help him anyway._

It didn't feel right to go somewhere without him though. We had to stick together.

I raced all the way to the other side of town, hyper with my feelings, until I reached the lumber mill. The guys were already heading home, axes hefted over their shoulders, dirty and sweaty from the long day they'd had at work, making plans to have drinks at the bar. I picked out Jien slogging through the middle of the group. He looked dog tired, but I sprinted up to him, yelling, "Jiii-en!"

"Hey there, tiny," he muttered, cracking an exhausted smile.

I barely noticed as I ran a couple circles around him. "Guess what, guess what, guess what!"

"All right, all right, what?"

"No, you gotta guess!" I play punched him in the side.

"Not now, Goj, all right. Hey, c'mere." He grabbed my shoulder, and looked down into my face. "Dammit. Did she hit you?"

I almost forgot about what Mom did this morning. I almost forgot how Raeki punched me.

Jien scrubbed lightly at the bruise on my mouth, and I wriggled in his grip.

"Jien, Jien, you ain't gonna believe it, baby!" I insisted, clawing at his shirt.

"Okay, okay, so tell me why don't you? God damn, Gojyo. Why do you have to act like such a little psycho? I just worked a fourteen hour shift cutting down trees!"

"Lemme carry the axe for you!" I made a grab for it.

"No, you better not. This's a man's tool." He adjusted it on his shoulder and started to walk. "Are you gonna tell me what's got you so excited?"

"I made a friend today," I announced, jerking on his arm, still trying to take the axe from him.

Jien looked down at me, mouth hanging open. "You did?"

"I knew you'd be surprised!" Jien had always wanted me to make friends He used to say it was 'cause he got sick of me following him around, but I knew better now.

"Bro, that's so great!" He ruffled my hair. "Who?"

"His name's Hakkai. He's not from this town, he's just passing through, but he's _really_ cool! He know's all kindsa stuff, and he's really good at everything, and super nice, and crazy smart, and strong."

"Wow, he sounds awesome." Jien grinned at me. "Where'd you meet him?"

"Just…" I decided to leave out the part with Raeki. "Around town. We had lunch together."

"You did?"

"Yeah, we went to the Sunflower Café, but they didn't want me there, so we had a picnic-kinda-thing instead."

"Sounds fun! Why didn't you invite me?" He shoved me playfully.

"I didn't wanna take you away from Seita. Duh!" I pushed him back, and he laughed.

For the rest of the walk home, I told Jien all about my day with Hakkai, down to the last detail, where we'd gone, what we'd done, even what we'd talked about, and he humored me like the pro big brother he was.

"It was so cool to meet him," I said when I ran out of other things to tell him. "Hey! So guess what else? He says he has another friend who's a hanyou! Isn't that fuckin' crazy?"

Finally, Jien was quiet. He took a sec before asking, "Did you believe him?"

I looked up at him, questioningly. "What? Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"There aren't a lot of kids like you out there. What're the chances he's run into more than one?"

I laughed. "Don't be dumb, Jien. Hakkai's a world-traveler. I bet he's been all kindsa places and done a ton of awesome shit. He said this other hanyou's his roommate and everything, so he really must not mind us!"

"Roommate?"

"Yeah, he lives with him. Man, how tired _are_ you, Jien?"

"C'mon, Goj, it's probably his brother if he lives with him."

I hadn't thought of that before, and it stopped me from talking a few seconds. If Hakkai's hanyou friend was his brother, that wouldn't be _as_ cool. It was one thing to choose to be friends with a child of taboo, but just getting stuck with one as a sibling…

I paused to look up at Jien. He got stuck with me, and I was the biggest pain in his ass. I'd known for years how much better off he'd be if I had never been born.

Jien raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"If we weren't brothers, would you be my friend?" I asked quietly.

My brother stammered, "I…you…we…I mean…yeah, I…I would."

"Really?"

"Yes, Goj. Of course."

" _Really-_ really, Jien?"

We were almost to the front door, and the sun had set. The sky was purpley-blue and the crickets and frogs were chirping in the grass. Jien put his hand on my shoulder to stop me and look me in the eyes. "Gojyo, you're an awesome kid. Of course I would want to be your friend if you weren't my brother, okay?"

Slowly, I nodded.

"It doesn't matter though, because you _are_ my brother. That's all that matters. All right, punky?"

I tried to smile, but I wasn't too sure.

"Besides." He led the way to the door. "You've got this Hakkai kid to be your friend now, so everything's fine."

I thought about telling him that Hakkai wasn't a kid, and that he wasn't going to stay in town. I might never see him again. I didn't need to tell Jien that though. I was too excited that I'd met someone who didn't mind hanging out with me. There could be other people like Hakkai out there too, right?

"Yeah, you're right," I agreed as he opened the door.

As soon as he did, Mom rushed at him and threw her arms around his neck. "Jien!" she sobbed. "Thank goodness you're home!"

My brother almost dropped the axe to support her. "Mom? What's wrong?"

"Mommy was so lonely without you!" she wailed. "You left me here alone all day!"

"Mom, I had to work…"

She pulled him inside, not listening as usual, and I trailed after them, trying to be quiet and stay out of sight.

"You have to stop this," she said firmly, drying tears from her cheeks. "You're the only thing I have in the world—you can't be gone all day every day like this!"

Jien let her lead him through the house to the kitchen, barely arguing. "If I don't work, how will we eat?"

Mom's gaze shot to me suddenly, and darkened.

I stiffened, standing absolutely still.

"Make him work," she decided. "He's old enough now."

Jien just stared at her. He must not have known what to say at all.

Mom made him sit down at the table and pried the axe out of his hand so she could lean it against the nearby wall. She stroked his hair and massaged his shoulders, crooning in his ear. "Think how nice it would be, Jien? You and me, alone here all day, with him away… We could finally spend some quality time together."

I watched the way she touched him, the way she slid her hands down his back and over his chest.

Jien's breath hitched.

Mom kissed his neck. "It's his fault things are this way. You know that. He should be the one to fix it. Don't you think?"

My brother nodded. "Okay, Mom. I'll think about it."

Giggling, she kissed him again. "That's mommy's good boy." She ran her fingers through his hair. "I made you a special dinner. You're so dirty though—you should really have a bath before you eat."

"All right."

She kissed his lips and slid her hands down to his hips. "Go wash up, okay?"

Nodding, Jien heaved himself out of the chair and came back into the living room. Our eyes met, but he just shook his head, probably scared to draw any more attention to me, and then he started up the stairs to the bath.

I watched him go, and when I looked back, Mom was staring at me.

Swallowing hard, I tried to smile. "Hey, Mom. Sorry you were alone all day…"

She didn't even blink as she stared at me, and her expression had changed so much from the sweet smile she'd shown my brother not ten seconds ago.

I tried to keep grinning anyway. "I woulda come back to check on you, except…I met this guy today. He was really cool, and we hung out pretty much all day… It was fun."

She drew herself up. "While you were out getting fucked in the ass like the little whore you are, I cleaned the entire house by myself. I can't believe what a lazy piece of shit you are. You're just like your father. He was a lazy piece of shit. A lazy, cheating piece of shit. And that _woman_." She spat. "You're a lazy slut, just like your parents."

I blinked at her. She'd been saying those kinds of things to me my whole life. I barely knew what I should think anymore. Finally, I said, "If you really want me to get a job…I can do that. I don't go to school, so I might as well… If that's what you want."

She snapped and jerked her head. She barked. It sounded almost like a laugh. "You want to do what I want? You want to make mommy happy, is that it, Gojyo?"

With another painful gulp, I nodded. "Yeah. Of course."

Mom stormed across the room suddenly, and I flinched back, but I didn't dare run.

She grabbed a handful of my hair, jerking my head up.

I gave a pained gasp, and Mom hissed, face close to mine, "I want you to go die."

I lowered my eyes. "I know…"

"You _know_? Why are you still here then? If you _know_ why don't you do it? Don't you realize how much happier Jien and I would be without you around to ruin everything? You think I care if you get a job? You think I care that you made a friend today?" Mom laughed viciously. "I wish with everything that I could wipe you right out of existence, memories and all." Spitting, she shoved me away suddenly, and I had to fight to stay on my feet.

She turned her back to me, sobbing and covering her face. "That would end _all_ our misery. Yours too!"

I hated to watch her cry. I hated that my existence made her so unhappy. I remembered the way Jien held and kissed her when she got upset—it seemed like the only thing that could ever make her feel better.

"Mom…" I inched closer. "Please don't cry…"

Another sob racked her body.

I reached for her hand. "If I could do that for you…if I could just…stop existing completely…" For the first time ever, I couldn't finish the words. I couldn't even think them. I paused. Something must have change without my noticing. Always in the past I'd thought not existing would help Mom, and I would have been happy to do that for her.

 _If I didn't exist though, I wouldn't have met Hakkai…_

What did that matter? He was a guy I hung out with once. I would probably never even see him again, so what difference did it make if I'd met him?

Today, he didn't make me feel disgusting or unworthy though. He treated me the way he would have treated anybody else.

"Mom. C'mon, please don't cry. Everything's gonna be okay. I'll get a job if you want, and then you can have more time alone with Jien. I promise." I touched her hand.

For just a moment, I felt it trembling in my own, soft and warm, delicate like a bird, creamy and slender like a white lily. I didn't think I'd ever held her hand before.

At first, she didn't do anything, and I thought she might just let me. I thought she might give me this one chance to feel like she was my mother, like I didn't gross her out.

Mom jerked away suddenly, violently. She turned on me, eyes flashing, tears pouring down her cheeks. "You…" she hissed. "You have some nerve. Touching me. After all the things you've done to me and my son and your father… Who do you think you are?"

"I just feel bad for you," I whispered. "I know this isn't what you want—"

Mom slapped me across the face, and I stumbled back against the wall. She didn't stop there though. She closed in again, snagging another handful of my hair and jerking it and holding me in place. "You feel bad for me? _You_ feel bad for _me_?" She slapped me again, and then again, back and forth across the face. My nose started bleeding.

"Mom." I tried to shield my face. "Mom, wait!"

"You feel bad for me! You little monster! What do you mean, telling me things like that? This is all your fault! All of it! You and your _cunt_ of a mother!"

"Mom, c'mon! Please!" I tried to pull away but she still had me by the hair, and she went on, beating me in a torrent of slaps, fists, and terrible words. "Ow! Mom, stop!"

"You awful. _Evil_. Disgusting! _Sickening_! Freak of _nature!_ You monstrous, hideous, bleeding, fucking, son of a _bitch!_ That woman! That woman! That fucking woman!" She hit me so hard I saw stars, and then she slammed me back against the window.

My head hit the glass.

"Mom!" I tried to pull lose again. Her claws tore my arm open.

She bashed me into the window again.

"Mom, stop! Stop!"

"You're just like she was! That bitch! That whore! Taking my husband and leaving me with _you!_ That selfish slut! You're just like her, Gojyo! Exactly like her!"

She slammed me against the window one more time, and this time I heard the glass crack under my skull, and then everything went dark.

 **Present Gojyo**

It took me literally all day to walk to Kotogara and by the time I got there the sun was setting, and I was tired, cold, and hungry. It was a pretty bad idea, I realized, walking all day in the dead of winter without any supplies at all. If I'd gone home to get Hakkai, he would have insisted we wait until morning so he could pack whatever he thought we needed and then set out at the break of dawn so we could spend the night here before heading home the next day.

Whatever though. Hakkai wasn't with me—he was at home building a time machine, and that meant I was calling the shots. I'd just have to live with my decisions.

When I finally got to town, I immediately noticed the weird-ass vibe in the air. The place was dark, and not just because night was settling in—most of the lights were off in the street, and the buildings were blacked out. It took me a moment to realize most of the window were boarded up. Here and there, I saw one that wasn't, with a candle burning in it, and all too often some wrecked-looking housewife would pluck the curtains aside to stare out fearfully as I walked by. A lot of them were crying. The whole town seemed like it was drenched in silence and sadness, and the bitter chill of the wind gushing down the back of my neck didn't help.

The streets were mostly empty, and the only people I saw were men dressed in shabby clothes, faces grim and suspicious as they watched me pass. They weren't doing anything normal either; a lot of them carried shovels or pickaxes, some of them had hammers and belts full of nails, but I didn't see even one thing that looked like it was under construction. In the distance, I heard an electric saw.

Hesitantly, I stopped in the middle of the street to try to figure out just what in the hell was going on.

A pillar of black smoke rose up from the far side of town, brining the smell of burning flesh with it, but the air had gotten a bit misty, and outside the sounds of the saw and the constant hammering, I didn't hear anything. Not even murmuring voices. On one side of me, a giant tree grew, and clusters of wooden crosses had been raised there. The dirt had been moved recently, so they must have been fresh graves.

On the other side of the street, a group of guys was gathered around a cart full of pine coffins, plain and cheap. One of them was manning a heavy-looking wheelbarrow, draped in a tarp. I noticed a clawed hand sticking out from under the tarp, but he was wheeling it away from the funeral home. I stood and watched him shuffle around the bend, struggling with the load as he headed toward the smoke, and I couldn't help feeling just a bit creeped out.

When I glanced back at the guys around the coffin carriage, they were glaring at me and muttering to each other. I tried to look confident as I crossed the street to them, calling out, "Oy, ojisan… Nice…day… Right?" There was nothing nice about today, from the strange scent of soot in the air to the relentless cold in my skin, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

An older man stepped forward, glaring at me with pale and angry eyes. "Outsider." He stuck a pitch fork in my face. "What business do you have here?"

Automatically, I jumped back, and the others crowded around, looking all too ready to stab me in the face with whatever they happened to have in their hands.

"Woah, woah, easy!" I put my hands up. "Everybody take it easy, all right? I'm just looking for somebody."

They exchanged suspicious glances and grumbled. I scanned their faces. There were guys of every age, but I didn't see a single youkai. Come to think of it, I hadn't seen a youkai since I came into town.

I didn't dare take my eyes off the pitchfork threatening to rip my nostril open to check, but I'd have to make a mental note to look later.

"Who're you looking for?" the man with the pitchfork demanded. He wore a white apron covered in blood. That might be because he was the butcher, or it might be because he was use to disemboweling strangers with those prongs.

As soon as he asked, I realized I didn't have a clue. Other than knowing I was looking for a scientist, I didn't have a name or even a description to give. If I'd gone back for Hakkai, he would have noticed that before we ever got started, and he would have made sure we went back to get that information from Sanzo. I hadn't thought about it at all, and apparently Sanzo-sama hadn't either. We'd been too busy bickering.

I licked my lips, wondering how I could talk my way out of getting killed for no good reason. "I-I don't know. He's a scientist…"

"A scientist?" a guy with a wooden stake shouted incredulously. "Does this look like a place where _scientists_ hang out, friend?"

I couldn't help glaring at him. "No. And I'm not your friend. I just came to find my scientist and then I'll be on my way."

"What do _you_ want with a scientist?" a man brandishing a hatched wondered.

I made a point to move further away from him and closer to the guy with the sledge hammer. I'd rather be bludgeoned to death than attacked with an axe. "I-I dunno, okay? I was sent here to find him. He abandoned his lab, and I wanna know why."

They all grumbled to each other again, looking more and more skeptical, and I realized I was feeling kinda scared. Normally stuff like this didn't bother me, because normally I had someone on my side who'd as soon stab a bitch as watch me get hurt or be threatened. Maybe I was dumb to do this without Hakkai.

The guy with the sledgehammer asked, "What's your scientist look like? At least you gotta know _that_."

It would be dumb, I thought, to tell them I had no idea, so I made something up. "Balding, glasses, a little tubby, middle-aged. C'mon, guys, he's a scientist. He's probably wearing one of those white lab coats."

One by one, they all looked at the man with the pitchfork. "Is he lyin'?" the stake guy wondered.

Pitch fork shook his old head, rustling his white beard. "There's nobody like that around here."

"What're you telling me?" I took another, slow step back. "There's no scientist here? Not even hiding out? C'mon, guys, this's kinda an emergency."

"Didn't say that." Pitchfork finally lowered his weapon and gestured for the others to do the same. They did, reluctantly. "The only scientist around here is Willis, but I don't know…"

"Great. Willis. Yeah. That's the name. Where's he?"

The old man shook his head. "Not sure you're looking for Willis."

"I'm looking for a scientist. If there's only one in town that must be him. Just tell me where I can find him."

He jerked his head down the street. "Three blocks down. In Taibo's bar. Place is closed until further notice…but if you knock loud enough, Willis might answer."

"Great." I stuck my hands in my pockets and started walking right away. "Thanks." I couldn't get away fast enough—I didn't want to give them a chance to change their minds about killing me.

What was with them anyway? The whole town acted like it was ready for a mass funeral, but was that any reason to threaten me? Maybe I should have asked more questions, tried to figure out what was happening around here.

I glanced over my shoulder as I went. They were standing around still, watching me and muttering to each other. They didn't seem like they were interested in answering more questions, and I wasn't up to ask.

Maybe I should go home and get Hakkai. Finding things out wasn't my area of expertise, and when I told him how weird this scene was he'd _have_ to put the time machine on hold and check this out with me. He would if he cared about me at all.

When I thought about Hakkai and his latest obsession though, I had my doubts. He didn't seem to care about anything other than the time machine and going back to save Kanan. I couldn't blame him for that…but it did make me kinda mad.

No, I could do this without him. That Willis nerd was around here somewhere. Hopefully, he'd have all the answers I needed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Past Gojyo**

When I woke up, the world was fuzzy and dim and tilting back and forth, like that ride we went on when Jien took me to the fair last summer. My stomach felt sick. My head pounded and my body ached. Blood oozed down my forehead, along the line of my nose to my chin. The light in the kitchen stung my eyes like staring into the sun.

I twitched and gagged. My head… Shit… My head…

Mom and Jien were in the kitchen. He was holding her tight and she was bawling against his shoulder, screaming words I couldn't make sense of. My brother looked at me, eyes wide with horror as I staggered to my feet. I fell, tried to catch myself on the wall, and landed flat on my face, moaning and writhing. I gagged again.

My fucking head…

I lay there, just trying to process the terrible pain in my head.

Someone called my name. I looked up. Jien was still in the kitchen, yelling at me. Oh no. Was he mad too?

"I didn't…do anything…" I whispered at him.

"Go to your room!" he yelled.

"I'm sorry…" I murmured.

"Go!"

Mom pulled away from him and flew at me, screeching like a banshee, reaching for me like she wanted to tear me limb from limb.

I scrambled up, almost falling down again, but he caught her and held her back, shouting, "Gojyo, get out of here!"

Somehow, I managed to get up and stagger to the door. I stumbled outside and ran. In the house, my brother yelled my name again. I staggered to the road and fell to my knees, hunching over and throwing up.

The yelling went on, every word like a sharp dagger through my brain. Mom screamed, "Jien! Jien, don't leave me!"

I forced myself to stand and turned toward the woods. The moon was rising. How long was I unconscious?

Blood trickled down my face and neck as I ran into the trees. Jien hollered after me, but his voice faded into the distance, so I knew he wasn't chasing me. I ran as fast as I could, tripping and ramming against trees every step of the way. Branches whacked me in the face, and I tumbled through bushes. At first I didn't even know where I was going, but it came to me quickly enough.

"Hakkai!" I yelled, voice hoarse and aching. I wanted to cry so bad. I couldn't. I wouldn't. No way. I never had before, and I wouldn't this time. I shouted as loud as I could, screaming his name as I fumbled through the forest. "Hakkai! Where are you? Hakkai, please! Please! Answer me!"

I tripped over a branch and fell on my face again. I felt like I might throw up again too. My head hurt so bad. The night was so dark. I didn't know where to go. I lay there, shuddering and screaming. I sat up on my knees. "Hakkai!"

Behind me, I heard footsteps.

Terrified, I whipped around, thinking it would be her, here to kill me in the forest where no one would find me. Everything was dark, and I didn't see anyone.

Then I heard a chirp and a soft cry, like a bird singing. In a flutter of wings, Jeep flew down and landed on my shoulder. I stared into his eyes. They were just as red as mine. He nipped at my ear and licked my face, crooning and shaking his wings.

"Jeep…" I panted. I leaned back against a tree, vision starting to fade again, watching numbly as the forest tilted and spun like a top.

Strong hands gripped my shoulders, and Hakkai's face emerged from the dark, right in front of mine. "Gojyo!" He shook me. "Wake up!"

I jerked my head, trying to clear the fog from my vision. I gripped his shirt, weakly. "Hakkai…"

He knelt beside me. "Are you all right? What are you doing?"

Looking at him, hearing how gentle and kind his voice was, I almost couldn't keep from bursting into tears.

His hand slid gently over my cheek and he murmured, "It's all right, I'm right here. Can you stand up?"

I didn't know for sure if I could, but I nodded, and he helped me to my feet, supporting me so I didn't fall again.

"Easy," he said. "I've got you." He lifted me up in his arms, and I let my pounding head slump against his shoulder as he carried me through the woods.

"Where're we goin'?" I asked, words slurring.

Hakkai didn't answer, and I stared dully at the forest around us. Everything was blue and black shadows, spinning and mixing together, and the moon burned white above us, almost as round as the sun. Slowly, out of the dark, an orange glow appeared, starting as a distant point of light and growing stronger, little by little, until I realized it was a campfire. We walked into a clearing where a fire pit burned in the middle. There were a few boulders scattered around the perimeter, but I was too dazed to make out much else.

Hakkai laid me on the sandy ground, close to the fire, and put his pack under my head for a pillow, and then he sat down beside me, examining the cuts on my face. He sponged at them with a wet cloth that stung, cleaning the blood and puke off my mouth and chin. He put band-aids on me and wrapped a bandage around my aching head, and cleaned and bound the arm Mom scratched, and he whispered as he worked, things like, "Relax, everything's okay. This will sting a little. It's not so bad."

I watched him sleepily until he was finally done, and then he put a canteen to my mouth and made me drink some metallic-tasting water. I could barely believe anyone other than my brother could be so gentle and so nice to me.

Finally, he pulled his coat up around my neck like a blanket and sat back, smoothing my hair away from my face.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked softly.

Should I? I'd wanted to all day, and I hadn't, but maybe I should have. Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I did. It didn't seem like I had a choice now that I'd crashed his campsite all beaten up.

"My mom..." I sputtered. "She broke the window with my head…"

"She _what?_ "

I wondered if I didn't explain well enough. That was the only thing I could think of right now. "She smashed my head against the window…and it broke…"

He looked away, and I couldn't make out his expression in the shadows cast by the fire.

"Hakkai…" I found his wrist and gripped his sleeve. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" He looked at me again, forehead wrinkling.

"Sorry for crashing your campout."

"Shh. Don't be ridiculous. You shouldn't be wandering through the forest with a head injury… I'm glad you found me." He laid his hand on my forehead. It was warm and gentle.

I closed my eyes. Sleep sounded good now. Long, unending, quiet sleep.

He shook me lightly. "Don't fall asleep, Gojyo-chan."

Painfully, I opened my eyes again. "How come?"

"You have a severe concussion. You have to try to stay awake."

I nodded even though I didn't understand.

He tucked the coat blanket around me tighter. "Why did your mother do that?"

"I…" my mouth was so dry I could barely speak, I reached for the canteen again, and he helped me drink. "I made her really mad…"

"I see…" He sat quietly a while.

I closed my eyes again, still not understanding why I couldn't sleep when I was so tired.

"Tell me about home, Gojyo," he said.

"Home…" I opened my eyes.

"Yes, you live with your mother and brother, correct?"

"Nn, yeah… She's not really my mom, she's my stepmom. Jien's my half-brother."

"What happened to your real parents?"

"They're dead. I guess they killed themselves… Everyone says they were disgusted by what they did…"

"What did they do?"

I shrugged. "Having me, I guess." I dug out my cigarettes. If I couldn't sleep I might as well smoke.

"Do you believe that's the reason?"

I looked at him with the cigarette halfway to my mouth. No one had ever asked me anything like that before. "What'dya mean?"

"Do you think your parents killed themselves because they were ashamed to have brought you into the world?"

"I dunno… Why else would they do it?"

"Love," he suggested simply. "People do things like that sometimes because they feel it's the only way they can be together. If they thought their neighbors wouldn't accept their union, or if they were afraid of what your stepmother might do, perhaps they thought being together in eternity was their best option."

"Then why didn't they take me with them?" I wondered, lighting my cigarette. "Then all three of us could be together."

"Perhaps they thought your best option was to stay alive and try to make something of yourself, but also…every adult, past the romance, knows better than to believe dying together means you'll get to be together in eternity. Death is very finite. If they made their choice to take that chance, it was good of them to at least not take every opportunity you would ever have away from you."

I drew a long drag from my cigarette. "Hey. Are you just bullshittin' me to make me feel better?"

"Why? Is it working?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know if anything will ever make shit better for me…"

"It's easy to feel that way when you're a child. It's hard to imagine the places you'll go and the things you'll do…or the people you'll meet. Childhood feels very permanent, doesn't it?"

"I guess," I murmured, and I remembered what I'd thought this morning about how Mom probably wouldn't let me get big enough to fight back.

"What about your brother?" he asked in a little while, just when I was starting to slip off to sleep. "The two of you are close, aren't you?"

"Mmm, yeah. He's my best friend. He helps me."

Hakkai didn't answer for a while. Finally, he muttered, "That's good."

"There isn't a lot he can do either. Now that he's older, he's found some ways to calm her down…"

"Oh?"

"Yeah," I closed my eyes. "When she's really upset, they go upstairs and fuck, and then she usually passes out."

There was the longest silence yet, and then Hakkai said, "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled. "Usually, after they fuck she doesn't feel like beating up on me any more."

The pitch of his voice changed. Higher. Tighter. "I must have heard you wrong…"

Squinting in the firelight, I looked up at him again. "Why?"

"I thought you just told me the two of them engage in…" He shook his head. "Are you telling me they…that he…fornicates with her?"

"For-ni-cates…" I echoed slurrily. "Umm. That's like fucking, isn't it? Sex?"

His eyes got really big, and I watched his mouth fall open. He shook his head and muttered something to himself.

"What's wrong?"

"That…happens frequently?" he asked slowly.

My eyelids fluttered. I wanted to sleep so bad. I didn't get why he was so interested… "I guess. Any time she goes ballistic."

Hakkai released a long sigh and stared into the fire.

"Maybe some day…" I went on, "when I'm old enough, maybe she'll let me—"

He interrupted sternly, but not loudly, "No. No, Gojyo, that isn't the answer."

"If she'd let me touch her though…if I could make her feel better the way he does…" I wasn't sure how that would help exactly, but Jien thought it helped, and it did calm her down. It just seemed like it must be the thing to do. The only thing we _could_ do.

Hakkai stared at me a long moment. "Oh. I see." And then he shook his head again in a way that made me feel like he was really disappointed. "Get some sleep now."

"I thought you said I shouldn't sleep."

"I think you'll be all right. I'll wake you up periodically to make sure you're okay."

I nodded heavily. "'Kay…" I closed my eyes again. "G'night…"

His fingers slipped through my hair. "Hush now."

A second later, I was out.

 **Present Gojyo**

Taibo's bar was just where Pitchfork said it would be, and it definitely looked closed. Like most of the other shops around town, the windows were boarded up and the lights were off. I stepped up onto the porch, feeling the boards creak under my feet like they were ready to give way, and stared through the window, trying to see a sign of anything even remotely promising through the cracks between the boards. It was dark as night in there.

Rubbing my hands, I approached the door. Damn, it had gotten even colder. The wind was whipping and snow had started to fall, and I wanted to go home as soon as I could.

Just a quick chat with this Willis dork, and then I could be on my way. Home was a long walk, but maybe I could stop at Keiun, and if I told Sanzo everything I knew, maybe he'd be a dude and let me stay the night there. I'd be dog tired by then.

I pounded on the door so loudly I bruised my fist. "Hey! Willis? You in there?"

The town was so quiet, not even my voice echoed back at me.

"C'mon, you damn intellectual fuck! Open the door!"

Still nothing.

"I'm gonna break it down!" I gave the door a kick, but it didn't give, and I just wound up hurting my leg.

Stomping and cursing, I stumbled back to take a deep breath and reassess the situation. The building was shabby—there could be another way in, or they might all be locked up tight like this one. Whatever happened, I didn't dare leave empty-handed. Like Sanzo said, this was serious. It didn't matter that stupid Hakkai couldn't see that or had stopped caring. I wanted to know what it was all about.

"Willis!" I threw myself against the door again, beating for all I was worth. "Open this damn door!"

Suddenly, the door sprang open, almost smacking me in the face, and I was staring down the barrel of a shotgun.

"Fuck!"

"Hanyou," a voice hissed from the darkness. Fingers caught the front of my shirt, dragging me into the shadows.

The door slammed shut again, cutting out the light, and I whipped around, panting, straining to see whoever was at the other end of the shotgun hovering in front of my face. All it took was for them to get a good look at me and decide they didn't want to deal with whatever I had to say.

I pressed back against the wall, heart slamming hard. "Wh-who are you?"

"Who are _you_?" that hissing voice demanded. The muzzle of the shotgun nudged my chest. "Are you wild? Like the others. Did you come here from Tai-Ping?"

"T-Tai-Ping? I don't know what that—"

The shotgun touched my chin. "Don't lie to me, hanyou. I know what you are."

"Look," I drew a shaky breath, but I didn't know what to say to get myself out of this mess. "My name's Gojyo, not hanyou. Got it?"

The voice laughed lowly. "Am I supposed to care about that? Your kind are a scourge to the earth—that's all that matters."

"I'm looking for Willis," I said quickly. "That's all I want. I didn't come here to start trouble."

They seemed to hesitate. My eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness, but I still couldn't make out much aside from the shape of someone's head, shorter than me, and just out of arm's reach. The shotgun gleamed. I could only imagine the finger lying lightly across the trigger. It wouldn't take much. Just me saying the wrong thing.

"What do you want with Willis?" they wanted to know. It sounded almost like a woman's voice this time.

"I came to find Willis about the lab. Priest Sanzo from Keiun sent me to find out what happened there."

The dark figured stiffened, and suddenly they turned away, lowering the shotgun.

Perfectly still, I waited while they rushed around the room, collecting something, and after a second I heard the sound of a match lighting, and a wavering light filled the darkness.

I found myself staring at a woman not much older than I was. She was short and slim with her hair tied back in a messy bun, dressed in fatigues and a leather jacket with black gloves. She kept the shotgun pointed at the floor as she walked back over to me, holding her lantern up in her free hand. Her eyes were blue, and she looked like she was half-foreign. Western.

"Priest Sanzo?" she repeated. "Priest Genjyo Sanzo?"

"Y-yeah…" my mouth was so dry I almost couldn't speak. "You know him?"

"I know _of_ him." She frowned, looking me up and down. "What's a hanyou like you doing running errands for a high-ranking priest like Gejyo Sanzo?"

"Good question," I muttered, lighting my cigarette. "Look…I don't have time to chat. If you're not gonna shoot me, tell me where I can find Willis, and I'll get out of your way."

She let out a sudden laugh and suddenly hoisted herself up to sit on the bare table in the middle of the room, setting the lantern aside there. "You're looking for Willis, huh? Well, you're in luck, boy. Here I am."

I studied her skeptically. "You're Willis? The scientist from the lab?"

"We call it Hybrid-Tech Facility number 4, but yes, that's me. Sandra Willis."

"And I'm just supposed to believe that? You don't _look_ like a scientist."

"Scientists don't tend to have a look, but _you_ look like a half-youkai, and not many people know what to look for in such a rare breed. How could I know that unless I've studied such things?"

"I've met other people who know what a hybrid looks like," I growled.

"Oh, I'm sure you have. Educated people. Or people who have seen one born before. Other than that, the appearance of the children of taboo isn't common knowledge."

Hakkai was educated—he said he'd read about hybrids when he was in school. Sanzo knew too, because he was a high-ranking priest. Other than that, she was right. People like Banri knew because they'd been around hanyou before.

"Fine, so you're Willis," I agreed.

"Go ahead and call me Sandra," she suggested. "I think my life as a scientist is at an end." She cocked her head, sizing me up. Her blue eyes were fiery and full of passion and the will to survive. "Explain to me why Genjyo Sanzo sent you to find me."

Taking another deep breath, I lit a cigarette, trying to calm down from the shock of being held at gunpoint out of nowhere. Hard to believe how much more nerve-wracking stuff like that seemed when Hakkai didn't have my back. "My partner and I went to your…facility… Almost two months ago now."

Willis' eyes flickered and her pink lips frowned. She lowered her head. "I see…"

"What we found there… Sanzo wanted us to figure out what it was all about… We thought all the scientists went missing."

"They didn't go missing, Gojyo," she corrected. Something about that matter-of-fact tone reminded me of Hakkai, and I wished he were with me. I was afraid to miss all the details he'd normally pick up. "They were killed."

"Yeah, I saw that." I tried not to think about that messy scene in the room where Hakkai found his time machine notes. "It looked like they were torn apart… Eaten."

"That's right," she agreed, still sounding way too calm.

"Well, do you wanna tell me how it happened? That's what I'm here for."

Willis sighed, sadly, and to my surprise she lit a cigarette of her own, laid her shotgun down so she could lean back on her arms, and stared up at the ceiling. "I don't know really. One day, the youkai members of our team just…lost their minds. I was lucky to survive."

"Wait a minute. You're telling me some of your own team did that? Tore their buddies apart and just left them like that?"

"It seems that way. I don't know, exactly—I managed to escape in the middle of the chaos, and I never went back to see the aftermath, but based off what I _did_ see… Yes. Those youkai attacked their human colleagues."

My stomach did a flop as I thought about what Hakkai and me saw again. He'd said it—it had to have been a youkai that did that—but I'd figured it was some experiment gone wrong, that the scientists sort of got what they deserved, not something messed up like what she'd just said. "Why would they do that?"

"I've been trying to figure that out, Gojyo."

Again, she said it like I should have realized that by myself.

"It doesn't look like it. You've just been hiding down here, holed up in a broken-down dive."

She eyed me with some contempt. "You're not very smart, are you? Most hybrids have a deficiency when it comes to intelligence."

"Hey," I snarled. "I'm not dumb either. I just don't know what the fuck's going on around here. This whole town is freaky—I'll give you that—but nothing I've seen so far has explained _why_ a bunch of tree-hugging sciencey types would flip out one day and try to make their friends into lunch meat."

Willis gave a delicate, girly laugh. "Sorry, then. First of all, the scientists in facility four weren't exactly tree-huggers. We did a lot of experiments that would likely make your skin crawl, and I can't say it was necessarily for the betterment of humanity."

"Why then?"

"There are some things we wanted to know," she explained through a breath of smoke. "Boundaries we wanted to push. Rules we wanted to break. You might call it playing God. That is the nature of mankind."

Just like Hakkai and his damned time machine… He'd fit right in with those assholes.

I couldn't help wincing.

Willis suddenly jumped down from the table and strode toward me, looking me over again, this time with more interest. "Tell me about your birth."

"What the hell does that matter right now?" Never mind that it wasn't something I wanted to get into at all.

"People are stupid. In many cases, hanyou are born out of some witless facsimile of love, or a perversion of instinct."

My face flushed.

Before I could shout at her, she said, "But _most_ of your kind are made in labs. Youkai and human women are artificially inseminated with samples from the opposite species, respectively."

"What in the hell for?"

She shrugged. She'd gotten closer now and was making a half-circle around me, drinking in my every detail with a fascinated gleam in her eye. "For experiments, mostly. Again, it's a boundary man naturally feels the urge to push. In some cases, they're a request—the monstrously rich have been known to order a hanyou to keep as a pet, or a slave, or a sex toy."

A shiver ran down my spine. "That's fucked up," I husked.

Giggling again, she said, "Seeing how you're unfamiliar with such practices, I'm going to assume you're somebody's ill-fated lovechild."

Too bad Hakkai wasn't here. I'd like to think he'd throw a fit to hear anyone talk about me like this, but since he'd decided it was cool to dump my ass and run into the past after Kanan, I wasn't sure. Maybe it didn't make any real difference that he wasn't with me for this.

"I didn't come here to talk about me," I told her roughly. "I want to know why those youkai attacked the other scientists. _Was_ it an experiment gone wrong?"

"No." She ashed nonchalantly on the floor and let her hair down. She'd be really beautiful if she weren't such a cold bitch. "I have no idea what happened to my youkai colleagues. It seemed they simply lost their minds one day, all at once. We'd noticed some strange behavior in them during the weeks preceding the catastrophe, but nothing telling. No real precursor to the horror in store for us. I don't have an explanation for why that happened. Yet."

"You're trying to find one though, right? Does asking me weird questions about my birth and telling me fucked up shit about my kind help with that?"

"It could," she agreed absently. "It's possible youkai have something in their genetic makeup which humans lack that led them to go…berserk, so to speak. I wonder about you though. You don't seem crazed, just a little scared."

"I'm not scared." I tried to hide the shaking in my hands from her, but she'd probably noticed already. "What do you think you can learn down here?"

With another sigh, she dropped her cigarette and stomped it out, only half-smoked. "Since the incident, this village has experienced a number of attacks like the one I saw that day."

"So the youkai scientists escaped and came down here?"

She shook her head and whispered, "No, I don't think so, Gojyo. According to the townspeople, their youkai neighbors suddenly lost their minds and attacked, just like my colleagues. Dozens of humans were killed, some even devoured. The youkai who survived fled into the woods and have been raiding the place ever since. I thought I could learn something by studying the bodies of the youkai who have been killed, but there's nothing. No disease, at least. Nothing physical that can explain what's going on. It's been a useless endeavor, and I may as well leave, but…I must admit, I'm a little afraid to go off on my own right now." She fixed a serious look on me. "This is a time of chaos. If I were you, I'd be very careful—you're as likely to be attacked as anyone else. For all you know, you're going to go berserk next."

My heart thumped all the louder. "Can I? Do you think? Hybrids…?"

She nodded. "Before I came here, I was in a town called Tai-Ping. I might have been crazy to go there, but it's a community of youkai and hanyou—not many humans are even allowed to visit—and they, like the youkai in this town, all went berserk, killed humans, and ran away. There were a few hybrids among them. I know at least one of them lost his mind as well."

I stared down at my hands, thinking. I hadn't felt weird at all lately. Hakkai didn't seem like he was acting weird, other than suddenly having an obsession for traveling back in time. I wondered about Goku. The kid had seemed normal the few times I'd seen him since we were at the lab, but maybe that was why Sanzo hadn't asked him to deal with this after Hakkai bailed.

"If I go to Tai-Ping," I wondered quietly. "Do you think I'll find anything else out? Do you think there's anything the three different attacks have in common?"

"I didn't notice," she answered flippantly. "If I didn't, I seriously doubt _you_ will."

"Oh, nice," I snarled. "You know, I was gonna offer to walk you home, or at least help you get somewhere a little safer."

"I wouldn't want to put my life in your hands anyway. You seem sane now, but you could turn on me."

"Fine." I stomped for the door. "Good luck then, lady."

I heard her laugh again. "When you see Genjyo Sanzo again… _If_ you see him again… Tell him to send someone a little smarter next time."

I slammed the door behind me.

As I walked away from the bar, I fumed. Here I came down here to try and figure this mess out—to try and help—even without my partner, who happened to _be_ the smart and capable one, and that bitch just treated me like a second-class citizen. Where did she get off, calling me stupid and telling me that fucked up shit about hybrids?

Mom used to say people like me weren't good for anything but sex. Since trying to get laid was how I spent a lot of my time ever since I was thirteen or fourteen years old, it must have sunk in somewhere, but I wondered if she'd meant the same thing Willis had told me—that rich purebloods bred us specifically for…

No. I didn't want to think about that. It was just too fucked up. Sleeping around a lot wasn't like being raised to be a sex slave, getting raped every night as soon as you were old enough to…

 _Stop thinking about this._

I paused in the middle of the street to light a cigarette and try to get my bearings. The town was darker than ever, and there wasn't a soul around. The sky overhead was black and starless. I wondered what Hakkai was doing right now. Most nights, he worked until dusk, and then he set up lights so he could keep working until he was exhausted. Once or twice I'd found him passed out in the snowy garden, shuddering and mumbling about Kanan, and I'd dragged him inside to bed. I worried he'd get really sick doing shit like that, but he wouldn't listen to me. He wasn't listening to me about _anything_ , and that was nothing new. He thought he knew everything, and I was just a dumb hanyou who was lucky not to be bred as some rich fuck's fetish…

At least if Hakkai was here he could tell me to forget all that. He could say something that made sense. He could remind me that I was a person—he was good at that. Even if he didn't know how, he always thought of some way to distract me so I could forget about it.

 _What is going on with him? Why is he so determined to leave me?_

I didn't want to think about that either. It was up to Hakkai what he did and where he went, and I couldn't stop him. I wasn't going to beg him to stay, but…thinking about how friendless and bleak life would be without him was too much.

I turned around in the street suddenly, facing the direction where I'd seen the pillar of smoke earlier. I saw an orangey glow that way, and I could sort of make out the ashy cloud polluting the night air. The wind carried a foul smell. I decided I wanted to figure out exactly what was going on in this town before I headed back to Hakkai. It was a long walk anyway, so what the hell, why not?

Navigating through the unlit streets at night was hard. The road was rough, and I kept stumbling in potholes or tripping over rocks, but it was easy to follow the fiery glow, and before I knew it I was at the edge of town, facing an open field, coated in crystalline white, and the wind whipped through the clearing, bitterer than ever.

Most of the town was gathered there around a huge bonfire, like they were having a party, but nobody danced or drank or laughed. In fact, no one was even speaking. I heard some sobbing.

Stacked off to one side, I saw a huge pile of bodies, thrown one on top of another, irreverently, and most of them had been stripped naked. All of them had the pointy ears and sharp claws of youkai. I even saw little children, crushed under the bodies of adults. Human men were picking up corpses one after another and throwing them carelessly onto the fire. The air was choked with the despicable scent of burning flesh.

For the longest time, I just stood there and stared. Willis said the youkai in this town went crazy, attacked humans, and ran away. There were enough bodies there to account for the whole youkai populace. Did that mean the humans had hunted them down and dragged them all back here, or…? I mean, was it possible some of the youkai _hadn't_ lost their minds yet and their neighbors just killed them as a preemptive strike?

The idea put an unshakeable chill in my bones and a sick feeling in my guts. That was way too fucked up. It was all too fucked up—eating people, murdering innocents, torching the bodies like some kind of ritual…

Sanzo wasn't kidding about this being a bigger deal than it seemed like.

Someone gasped suddenly and shouted, "That man! The outsider—he's seen us!"

I blinked myself out of my horror-stricken trance and noticed a group of townspeople clustered together, faces drawn with terror, pointing at me. A few men rushed toward me—I even recognized several of the guys from earlier.

The old man who'd had the pitchfork grabbed up a chainsaw and stormed toward me, his face ruthless with resolve. He yanked the starter, and the saw roared to life, filling the silence with a terrifying sound of certain death. Lugging it with him, he ran in my direction.

Another man cried, "We can't let him get away! We can't let him tell!"

"Oh, holy fuck, no," I whispered.

Tossing my cigarette, I spun around and ran back the way I'd come.

I was fast, but I kept running into dead ends and getting turned around, and the mob closed in on me, shouting angrily and carrying torches. The guy with the chainsaw was surprisingly fast for his age, and it seemed like every time I looked over my shoulder he'd gotten a step closer, bearing down on me with the saw, eager to chop my body to bits.

My heart slammed so hard I thought I wouldn't even be able to run, but if I stopped they'd be on me. Staggering and sliding through snow and pitfalls, I cursed the darkened streets. Did they make it like this on purpose? So if someone dropped by and saw what they were doing they could kill them easier?

The lunatics screamed for me to stop where I was. I didn't know why they'd bother. Sometimes they insisted they just wanted to talk, but the hum of the chainsaw motor always reminded me I couldn't take that chance.

I turned a corner and dashed down an alley.

At the other end, a group of men jumped in my way and surged at me.

Behind me, the sound of the chainsaw bounced down the walls.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

I summoned my shakujou. The alley was so narrow I had to carry it vertically.

Not understanding what it was, the men rushed at me.

I whacked off one guy's legs, and he collapsed in a heap, screaming and writhing. Hot blood sprayed across my shirt.

The others shouted and paused.

I plowed through them, shaking them off and racing into the street again. I recognized the tree with the fresh graves planted under it, just ahead.

With a burst of speed, I leapt over the fence, crashed through the graveyard, and sprinted out into the woods and the night.

It didn't matter what direction I went, I just had to get away.

 **Past Gojyo**

Hakkai woke me up a few times, like he said he would, once when the moon was directly above us, once when it was getting close to the horizon, and one more time when the sky was starting to brighten. Each time, he talked to me a few minutes, asking me questions like, "what's your address and what's your birth date", and then he gave me some pills for my headache and some water, and told me to go back to sleep.

That was easy since I felt so tired, and it was good to know he was close by, keeping watch.

The next time, I woke up by myself, and it was already eight or nine in the morning. Hakkai was cooking something over his fire, and he greeted me quietly and told me to lie still while he finished making the food.

"How do you feel?" he asked while I ate.

"Better, I think."

"Does your head still hurt?"

"Not so bad."

"And the dizziness?"

I looked around the forest, but everything was normal. "It's gone."

"You're not seeing double or anything like that?"

"No."

"Do your ears ring?"

I shook my head.

"Are you nauseated?"

"No. I don't think so."

He nodded. "You'll be fine, I believe, but you should take it easy for a few days."

I didn't know how I could do that. If I went home, I didn't know if Mom would let me hide in my room for a few days, but I did know she wouldn't let me lie around the house and watch cartoons. Jien couldn't take off work to babysit me.

There wasn't anywhere else to go though. I couldn't camp out for a few days—that wasn't taking it easy at all.

Suddenly, Hakkai got up from where he'd been sitting on the other side of the fire and came over to sit down in front of me, cross-legged. He looked seriously into my eyes, and his voice was gentle. "I want to discuss something important with you."

I blinked at him and popped some bacon in my mouth. "'Kay."

"I understand you only just met me yesterday, but please believe me when I say my concern for you is genuine."

I cocked my head and studied him. Maybe I was naïve, but Hakkai just didn't seem like a liar, and he had a really honest face. "I believe you."

"Good." He cleared his throat and clasped his hands together, staring down at them thoughtfully. "Last night, you told me something rather disturbing about the interaction between your stepmother and your brother. I somehow doubt he's taken the time to talk about this with you… Well, why would he? I'm sure he's ashamed of it."

"What're you talkin' about?"

He sighed. "I just want to make sure you understand how…unnatural your home life is."

"'Cause she hits me, right? Other moms don't hit their kids… Do they?"

"Well, no, not as such. That isn't precisely what I mean. If it's true the two of them engage in…er…intimate relations…"

He paused, and I realized he wanted me to tell him for sure whether or not they did. Last night, I hadn't meant to babble that out, but there wasn't any taking it back now. "Yeah…" I looked away. "Sometimes."

"That is not natural behavior for a mother and son—not by any means—that's known as incest." He sighed. "Not that I'm one to have much to say about incest in and of itself…"

"This's confusing."

"I know. I apologize. It's a delicate subject. The important thing though—the thing I'd like to stress to you—is that Jien's course of actions are not necessarily the most prudent. It could be there's some very real emotional or mental ailment behind that behavior, particularly where she's concerned, and it…" He paused again, and his expression hardened. "It's wrong, Gojyo. A mother and son should not be doing that, and it distresses me to hear that watching them perform that action has left you feeling conflicted. Jien shouldn't be doing that, regardless of the reason, and I don't at all want you to grow up thinking you should try it next. She may not be your mother by blood, but regardless, there are healthy reasons to engage in sexual intercourse with someone, and unhealthy reasons. For example, things like love and respect are integral to sexual intercourse, and reasons like guilt, or shame, or insecurity would be unhealthy reasons." He stopped suddenly, eyebrows knitting together, as if he were feeling somewhat confused himself. "Do you understand?"

"I think so…"

"I just…you'll be a young man before you know it, and this misconception could be damaging to your development, and that concerns me. Furthermore, it absolutely is not okay to allow anyone in a position of authority to take advantage of you simply because it might make them feel better, and although I don't know very much about this particular situation—I'm completely new to it—I assume that's what's happened to Jien."

I tried to remember the first time they'd done each other, but…it just seemed like something that happened before I knew it.

Hakkai grumbled under his breath, "I've never had such a hard time explaining anything in my life… I feel as if I'm pushing a boulder up a hill." He looked earnestly into my eyes. "Don't sleep with your mother, Gojyo-chan. Don't even consider the possibility that it might make her love you, because it won't. This is not the way family is supposed to behave, and these are not the things they're supposed to be teaching you. Being intimate with someone is worth more than a cheap distraction."

"I know." I lowered my eyes. "I know nothing can ever make her love me…"

"No," he agreed quietly. "I suppose if she doesn't love you by this time, she's never going to. But there will be other people in your life who will love you. They'll matter much more than any of this."

I couldn't even imagine that. "Yeah right. When?"

"Not too long."

I shook my head and lit a cigarette, repeating, "Yeah right."

"Gojyo." He lifted my chin to look me in the eyes again. His were greener than the grass, and they burned with an intense expression. Again, I felt like I had to believe whatever he said. I felt like he wouldn't lie to me. "I promise," he said firmly.

Meeting anyone who would actually care about me still sounded impossible, but I nodded. For all I knew, it could happen.

"Good. Now, if you're finished eating I think we should get you home."

My stomach squirmed. "Home… Really?"

"Yes." He stood up and started picking up his stuff. "If Jien is any sort of decent brother he's been looking for you."

"My concussion though." I couldn't help feeling betrayed. I hadn't thought he'd make me go back there after everything I told him.

Hakkai hesitated and sighed. "I'm sorry, Gojyo. I wish I didn't have to take you back there, but I don't know where else you would go, and having a roof over your head is an important part of childhood."

"I could go with you," I said smally.

Hakkai smiled sadly. "Ah…that… If only I were going somewhere you could go as well."

"I can't go with you to Cheng?"

"I'm not sure I'm going to Cheng anymore."

"Why?"

"It's occurred to me that perhaps I should simply return home…if I even can."

I stared at him. He was really a weird guy. "How come you can't go home?"

"Oh, I don't know yet if I can. We'll see, I suppose." He slung his pack over one shoulder, and Jeep hopped to the other.

"Can't I go home with you?"

He faced me. "Do you really want to go with me? Do you really want to leave your brother and everything else you know?"

That bothered me. On one hand, I didn't have anything else in this town I cared about, but…Jien. I didn't know if I wanted to leave him. I still felt like we needed to stick together. "I don't know."

"Whatever you decide, I'll be in town a while longer, I think, so there's still time to figure something out."

I got up too, holding the coat he'd spread over me last night. I wondered why he was even wearing a coat in the middle of the summer. "You're staying a while? Are you gonna keep camping out?"

Hakkai shrugged and started to lead the way back to town. "Perhaps I'll ask your mother if I can stay a few nights at your house."

I couldn't help smiling as I trotted up to walk next to him. "Really? That'd be cool."

Hakkai just nodded. "Regardless of what I do, I want you to keep in mind what we talked about. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, okay. I will." I lit another cigarette.

He added under his breath, "Also…perhaps you should consider giving up smoking. Jien may not have told you this either, but it's considered to be quite hazardous to your health."

I took a deep breath of the tobacco. "I like smoking."

This time he chuckled and ruffled my hair, "I know you do, Goj."


	6. Chapter 6

**Jien**

I watched the morning light creep across the ceiling, not remembering if I'd slept at all, and Mom lay draped across me, her arm wound around my neck, her leg thrown over mine, and the bed was warm and damp with our bodies. I felt her breath on my throat and felt sick. Wincing, I tried to block it all out, wishing I could make the memories of being inside her, and listening to her moan, and watching her cum all disappear with the night.

So many times, I'd tried to think of a different solution to the problem, and nothing good ever occurred to me. I hated that this was what I had to do…but it calmed her down, and it kept her away from Gojyo, and that was what mattered.

I stared out the window, wondering where he was now. I tried to go after him, I wanted to look for him, but Mom wouldn't let me, and I was worried about him. When I heard the two of them shouting, I'd jumped out of the shower as fast as I could and ran down the stairs, but by that time he was already out cold, and she was kicking his inert body over and over. For a terrible second, I'd thought he was dead. The sight made me want to…

No… No, she was my mother. I couldn't think that way. Whatever all this might do to me, whatever effect sleeping with her might have on my emotional health, the important thing was it kept them both alive, and the day it stopped working… I was scared to think where that might leave me.

Carefully, I disentangled myself from her and sat up on the edge of the bed. Mom moaned quietly and curled her fists under her chin like a little girl, hair floating across both pillows. "Jien…don't leave me…"

I stroked her hair. "I'm going to make breakfast, that's all."

She nodded sleepily and passed out again, and I got dressed as fast as I could so I could leave before she changed her mind. I stopped by Gojyo's room on my way downstairs, but he wasn't there, and the rest of the house was totally empty. I paced through the rooms a few times just to make sure he wasn't hiding some place, but it had been a while since he'd done that, so I stepped outside.

It was a chilly morning, and the sky looked a little misty. I scoured the front yard first and then the back before I went out onto the road and glanced up and down, but I didn't see any sign of him, and it made me feel even sicker.

He had a head injury last night—I could tell from the way he slurred his words and the look in his eyes—and now he'd run off some place.

"Fuck," I muttered, wincing as pain erupted in my heart. "He could be…"

I didn't want to even think about my little brother lying face-down, dead somewhere. Yeah, I knew things might be easier if he weren't around, like Mom said, and I knew my life would have worked out a lot better if Dad hadn't cheated and had a kid with a human, but…even all that didn't stop me from loving the little guy. How could I help it? He was such a sweet kid, so funny and confident and smart, and he had such a good heart. He didn't deserve everything that had happened to him, and I had no right to bitch about anything when I knew what he was going through. Having to fuck your own mother couldn't possibly compare to the shit Gojyo would have to deal with his entire life, so who was I to say "this is too much" and give up on him? He was my brother, dammit, and I loved him. I _wanted_ to love him.

Inevitably, I lifted my eyes to gaze down the road and into the forest, and like always, I felt the indescribably painful yearning to leave. Just flat out go. Not pack any shit, not take anything, not tell anyone, not make any plans, just put on my shoes and start walking and never look back, in hopes that somewhere down the road I could find or make a normal life—meet a girl, settle down, get a job, start a family, forget any of this horrible shit had ever, ever happened to me. Sometimes, I really just wanted to leave Mom and Gojyo both behind and make them figure their own shit out for once, instead of relying on me, because solving their issues was making me sick and tired.

 _That's selfish though_ , I reminded myself like always. _If I can help them…I know I have to._

So I'd still be doing this for years, for all I knew. I tried not to think too far ahead, because the future scared me, but I had a half-baked plan put together. If I could keep working—if she'd let me keep working—I could go on feeding and clothing everybody at least. Mom had only worked for a few years after Dad's suicide, and when she quit we had to rely on the governor-sponsored well-fare for our essentials, but that had been awful, since there wasn't enough. As I got older I realized there was no reason I shouldn't be providing for my family…other than Mom didn't want me to, and Gojyo wasn't safe alone with her.

Either way, if I could pull through and keep everything intact, if I could keep her off him, and him away from her, and still manage to make sure everybody had food and clothes and healthcare, it would be a matter of riding a storm out. In a few years, Gojyo would be a teenager. Judging from the way he acted now—the way he had _always_ acted from the first fucking day the elder brought him to our house—he would be damn close to impossible to control.

My brother loved me, I knew that, and he respected me to some degree, but he wouldn't really listen to me. I told him not to smoke, not to cuss, to go to school and comb his hair, and I asked him to do things around the house, and if he felt like it, great. If he didn't… _Fuck you, Jien_ was the first thing out of his mouth. How in the hell was I going to manage a teenager who thought that way? He was a free spirit like dad had been, without any parental guidance. He was fucked.

He might get a job if he thought it would help me and Mom though, and that would keep him away from her. In a while, he'd be big enough that she probably wouldn't hit him anymore. I mean, hell, he'd always _let_ her hit him, I knew that—he'd never even think about hitting her back even if he could knock her into next week—but once he got taller and stronger, I knew she'd think twice about it.

In time, Gojyo would probably just go on his way. Everyone in town thought he was a blight on society, he wasn't welcome here since the day he was born, he didn't have the backup of a loving family, he couldn't make friends or get a girlfriend the way normal teenagers did, and he'd get sick of it. He'd give up on this place, and when he got old enough he'd leave. That was probably a few years away still, but it would come soon enough.

I'd already decided that the day he told me he was going, I'd let him, no matter how much I was going to miss him or how slim the chance was we'd see each other again. I had to stay here and take care of Mom, and he couldn't stay here if he ever wanted to be happy. I'd be an ass to even try to make him stay…not that he'd listen to me anyway.

And then, a while after that, Mom would die, and then, _finally_ I might have a shot at living my own life.

Until then, I had to do what I could for them. There was just no way around that.

Today though, my priority was to find Gojyo and make sure he was okay. I could hardly believe what she did last night. I'd seen her hit him plenty of times, I'd seen her throw him down the stairs, I'd come home from school to find him locked in the pantry, or the closet, or his bedroom, but I'd never seen her knock him out and beat on his unconscious body before.

Over the years, the abuse had gotten worse. I could still remember the first time she hauled off and slapped him. He was five, and he was just running around the yard with me, being a normal little kid, and he didn't do or say anything out of line. He just showed her some stupid thing he picked up—I couldn't even remember if it was a frog, or a lizard, or a snake, or maybe just a pretty rock he liked—and she didn't even say anything like 'get that out of my face' she just hit him, and he just burst into tears on the spot, while I stood there, shocked as fuck, not knowing what to do.

Before then, she'd always been cold to him. He'd wake up at night crying for his mom, and she would ignore him. She wouldn't feed him sometimes. She'd pinch him and make him cry on purpose. She'd say mean things to him and call him names. She'd buy me presents and exclude him and say it was because he wasn't hers. She'd leave him home alone all day even though he wasn't big enough to take care of himself. It was more neglect and emotional abuse back then, and I was just nine or ten, so I didn't know what to do about it other than try to take care of him the best I could.

And then, after that day she hit him it's like something snapped, like she had finally gotten to do something she'd always wanted to do, and she was relieved by it, and then she was hitting him all the time, and I couldn't stop her, even if I cried and begged her not to. Gojyo always just took it like he deserved it. He stopped crying after a while. I have no idea how his six-year-old mind arrived at the conclusion that it wouldn't help, other than he could sit there and cry while she hit him and she still didn't feel a bit sorry over it. I don't know. It made me feel sick to even think about it.

It had gotten a lot worse over the last six years, and now it was more brutal than ever. I was honestly afraid of what she might start next. It disgusted me to think that when he got older she might start to abuse him in other ways, and he'd just let her because he thought it would make her love him.

Even scarier was the possibility that she'd just kill him some day. She had the strength and the opportunity and the hatred it would require. Every day I left for work, I was terrified that I'd come home to find him missing, and she'd either tell me some lie about how he'd just disappeared, or she'd be so crazy she'd just say "I killed him so you and me could be together," and I hadn't decided yet what I would do.

I was trying so hard to protect him, and I didn't even know if I could.

Sighing, I turned to head up into the woods. I thought I saw him run there last night, so with any luck he'd gone to the tree house I was supposed to be building him, or to one of his other play spots, and he was okay.

 _God, let him be okay. I don't want to think how awful it'll be if I failed him._

Angrily, I started walking. What the fuck anyway? Couldn't I even take a shower without her trying to kill him?

 _Poor little guy._ Suddenly, all I wanted was to pick him up and hug him as tight as I could and tell him I loved him more than anyone else. The mother I remembered from childhood was gone now, devoured by insanity, grief, and cruelty. I felt sorry for her, but part of me really hated her. Part of me felt like if she cared about me at all she wouldn't hurt and terrorize my little brother, and she wouldn't let sleeping with her be a solution.

 _How could anyone even think about it? How could anyone want to hurt him?_

He was such a good kid. Unmanageable as he was, he was just such a good kid. He wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to help. More than anything though, I knew Gojyo just wanted someone to love him, and I was getting the idea that he didn't believe I loved him, even though I did. I'd been trying forever to show him that I did, but couldn't blame him for not understanding; between everyone in town treating him like shit, and watching me and our mom fuck when she got upset, I wasn't surprised a bit he didn't really know what love was.

I hesitated in the road. Ahead of me, I heard voices in the woods, and one of them sounded like Gojyo's, chattering away about stupid stuff like always, the little lunatic. After a moment, I caught a glimpse of his red hair. The rest of him came into sight and my heart leapt. He was okay! He was alive!

A stranger was with him, and I stared at him. The guy was tall like me, but sleek and serene, with a dark head of hair and a trailing coat. He had a pack slung over his shoulder, and a strange, white creature riding on the other. He moved with such precision and grace, he could have been a vampire, and one of his long, slim hands rested on my brother's shoulder.

My stomach lurched at the sight, and I took a hesitant step forward. What was my brother doing with someone like that? I could tell from the way the guy moved he was a warrior—a great fighter—he had all the balance and awareness you needed to be a killer.

"Gojyo!" I yelled when they'd gotten closer, and I was so scared I couldn't help sounding mad. "What the hell are you doing? Get over here!"

Gojyo jerked to a stop and looked at me like he'd just noticed I was there.

The stranger studied me too, but he left his hand on my brother, like he was going to keep him away from me. My heart hammered.

I stormed up to them. "You disappeared all night! What were you thinking?"

"Jien…" Gojyo stammered, obviously confused by my tone. His face had been cleaned up and bandaged. "You told me to—"

"I told you to go to your room, not run away into the forest! How stupid are you? You coulda gotten lost, or killed."

"Yeah, but I was just…"

I glared at the stranger next, sizing him up. He was a little shorter than me at least, and he wasn't as muscular, but I noticed a bowie knife riding on his hip, and his glass green eyes were sharp with incredible intelligence. The long-necked creature on his shoulder looked like a miniature dragon with ruby red eyes. "Who the hell is this guy? What are you doing with him?"

Gojyo looked between us. "This's Hakkai. The guy I told you about yesterday."

I felt my jaw drop as I looked the stranger over again. When Gojyo told me about the friend he made yesterday I pictured another kid, probably traveling around with his parents, one who didn't know better than to make friends with a child of taboo. I thought he must be a little older than Gojyo—thirteen or fourteen—to have my brother so impressed. This guy was a grown-ass man. He was even older than me. What did he want with my little brother?

I held my hand out to Gojyo and said firmly, "Come here. Right now."

Gojyo inched forward, but Hakkai held him back and spoke up. His voice was calm, but it had an edge to it, and he spoke in flawless keigo. Polite, little fucker. "I beg your pardon, Jien-san, but this reaction is rather inappropriate, don't you think? Gojyo-chan came looking for me last night because he was afraid and didn't know where else to go, and I kept him for you, and now I'm bringing him back to you. I'm not sure what I've done to merit your suspicions."

I laughed at him, furiously. "Oh, you _are_ smart, just like he said. Fine. Thanks a lot. Now get your hands off my brother."

Hakkai sighed but lifted his hand.

Gojyo stayed put, glaring at me.

"C'mere," I snapped.

"Why're you bein' a dick?" he demanded. "Hakkai helped me."

"Gojyo, I don't have time for this. Come here, right now."

"But you're being an asshole," he insisted darkly.

"Ah," Hakkai clicked his tongue and smiled. "Is that any way to speak to your older brother, Gojyo-chan? I'm sure he was just terribly worried about you. And after all, I didn't look after you all of yesterday and last night for any praise or reward, so it's of no consequence that his manners leave much to be desired."

I scowled at him. He was silver-tongued as fuck, and I didn't know how to answer to that exactly. I almost wanted to scream at him for calling me rude, but that would only prove his point. Instead, I nodded and said gruffly, "You're right. I'm sorry. He scared me, that's all… I'm glad you brought him back." I went so far as to bow, and then, reluctantly, I said, "Gojyo said you're a traveler."

"Yes, of sorts," was the cool reply.

"Gonna be in town long?"

For the first time, he looked like he didn't know what to say, and I didn't like the way he looked down at my little brother. There was something way too emotional and affected in his eyes. "To tell the truth, I'm not entirely sure anymore."

"Hn. Well, if you want, I'll make you some breakfast as a thank-you."

He studied our house disdainfully. Who did he think he was anyway?

"I've eaten already, Jien-san, though I do appreciate the offer."

"Coffee then." I tried to smile. "C'mon, you helped my little brother out. I wanna thank you somehow."

"C'mon, Hakkai," Gojyo whined, tugging the guy by the sleeve. "Come have coffee with us."

I saw how the fact that my brother asked him to changed his mind immediately, but he still said, polite as ever, "I wouldn't want to disturb the lady of the house."

"She'll be in bed a while longer," I told him. "Long enough to have a cup of coffee. Let's go."

At last, he nodded, and the two of them followed me back to the house.

I reached down to pet Gojyo's hair, feeling the rough bandage tied around his head. "Are you okay, punky?"

Goj nodded, and I put my arm around his shoulders, pulling him against me. "You had me pretty scared."

"He retained some moderate head trauma," Hakkai spoke up. "He should relax as much as he can for a few days. Nothing too exerting."

"Right, yeah," I said like I'd known that. "Of course. Are you a doctor, Hakkai-san?"

"Not as such. I learned some basic medical first aid in school, but nothing extensive. Still, it doesn't take very much training to recognized and treat a mild traumatic brain injury. Frankly, I believe anyone who participates in child care ought to know the basics of it."

I couldn't help glaring at him. He sure had a smug attitude.

He just smiled back at me. "It's fortunate I found him though. He certainly shouldn't have been running through the woods in the middle of the night, head injury or not."

I forced myself to smile too. "Yeah. That is lucky." And then I led the way inside.

Mom was still in bed, so I brewed a large pot of coffee while Gojyo and Hakkai sat down at the table, and I got down three mugs.

"This is a lovely home," Hakkai said politely, sitting there with his hands folded on the table like the well-educated prick he thought he was. He couldn't actually think our house was that nice, seeing how it was always dirty and threadbare and dark.

"Thanks. Where are you from anyway?"

"Oh, some ways east of here."

I leaned back against the counter and looked him over again. "That's not very specific."

"Chang'an," he replied, a little shortly this time. "I trust you've heard of it."

"You're from Chang'an?" Gojyo asked suddenly, pawing at his arm again. "What's it like there? Is it big?"

"It's reasonably sized." Hakkai smiled and gripped Gojyo's shoulder.

"What brings you out this way?" I demanded.

Hakkai shrugged. "Fate."

I didn't like how tight-lipped he was about himself. He was smart, yeah, but I was willing to bet he was some kind of assassin or bounty hunter, and I didn't know why he'd taken an interest in my little brother. That part bothered me the most. Did he expect me to believe he just cared about a taboo kid out of the goodness of his heart and wanted to help him?

"Hakkai's a teacher," Gojyo announced out of nowhere.

I studied Hakkai intently. He was smart enough to be a teacher, but I still thought bounty hunter fit him better. "A teacher, huh?"

Hakkai smiled.

I shrugged and got the coffee, pouring some into each mug.

"I take milk," Hakkai said, and then when I went to get the milk he went on, "You don't actually let him drink coffee, do you?"

I turned back to look at Gojyo, who was already stirring sugar and cream into his cup. "Sure. Why not?"

Hakkai's eyebrow quirked like he didn't approve. What did he care? Gojyo was my brother, not his. "He's quite young."

"He's fine." I put the milk down in front of him and watched as he carefully poured some into his mug, stirred, and poured again. At last he took a sip and said, "Thank you very much for your hospitality." He turned to Gojyo again. "Ah, Gojyo-chan, you know, if you want to be tall and strong like your brother, you really should refrain from drinking coffee."

Gojyo looked intently at him. In that one look I could see how much he respected this guy and believed in him. "How come?"

"It could stunt your growth."

My brother gazed into his coffee thoughtfully, and I thought smugly to myself that he wouldn't listen to this random dude any more than he'd listen to me, or anyone else. If he wanted the coffee, he'd drink it.

To my surprise, he nodded and pushed the mug away. "Guess I'll just have milk."

I couldn't help feeling annoyed. Who was this Hakkai person to just show up and be able to tell my brother what he should and shouldn't do? Did he think he could do that much better with the kid?

Taking a swig of my own coffee, I demanded, "So you don't know how long you'll be around, huh? That's too bad. Goj really seems to like you."

Gojyo's face turned a little red.

"Of course, I like him as well," Hakkai told me with a smile.

"That's why you hung out with him all day yesterday, right?"

"Naturally."

"It's kinda weird though, isn't it? You're like what, twenty-four or something?"

"I'm only recently twenty-two," Hakkai sounded cautious. If he was as smart as he acted he already knew what I was getting at.

"So, do you always make friends with random eleven-year-olds? Don't you have anybody your own age to hang out with?"

Since I was goading him on purpose, it surprised me that he just smiled and laughed. "I'm a teacher after all. I'm thought to be rather good with children. However, if you're asking me if I have friends of my own the answer is yes, of course I do, but they're all far off, in Chang'an, and I happened to take a liking to your brother. Is there something wrong with that?"

"I dunno." I took another sip of coffee. "It just makes me wonder what you're playing at."

"Nothing. I have Gojyo-chan's best interest at heart, I assure you."

It could be true, I told myself, and then I even wondered why the idea bothered me so much. I didn't want to think I was just jealous that this random guy was forming a bond with my brother—I should be glad Gojyo met anybody who kinda cared about him, no matter how old they were. Yesterday, I'd genuinely been happy to hear he'd made a friend, because the kids in this town either treated him like an outcast, or had been instructed by their parents to stay away from him, which was why I didn't try to make him go to school anymore. I thought he was better off scooting around town, trying to stay out of trouble than he was to go to the schoolhouse and get bullied. Normally, I'd say bullying was part of growing up, but he got enough abuse here at home.

This was different though. Hakkai was more than ten years older than him.

Could he really just feel bad for the little guy and want to help him? No one else had ever before…

"Gojyo says your brother's a hanyou also."

Hakkai looked surprised, and Gojyo concentrated on his milk.

"I don't particularly agree with that slur…and he isn't my brother. Not by blood anyway. But yes. My roommate in Chang'an is half-human, half-youkai."

"That's pretty open-minded of you, rooming with one," I sneered.

His eyes darkened. "I don't think of it that way, not any more than you do, I'm sure. My roommate is merely another person to me, and I'm far more absorbed by his daily habits than I am by what sort of blood is in his veins."

Gojyo straightened up when he heard that, and I was startled also. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. Most people were completely disgusted by my taboo brother.

Hakkai could be the real deal, but I was nervous to trust him. If he had an ulterior motive, Gojyo would be the one to get hurt. "What's his name?" I demanded at last. "Your room mate."

Hakkai didn't answer. He sat there with his hands folded on the table, staring at me without blinking.

"He's got a name, don't he? What is it?"

"Of course he has a name," he answered stiffly.

"So what is it?"

"Excuse me, Jien-san, but have I done something wrong? You're treating me as if you suspect me of a crime."

"I just think it's a terrific coincidence, you happening along and running into Gojyo somewhere in town, and then it turns out you have a guy back home who's a hanyou, and you think of him as your brother."

"It is a strange coincidence, I'll give you that, but it's no reason to treat me with such distrust."

"Fine, so what's his name?"

"Are you insinuating you don't believe he exists?"

"No, of course not. If you don't wanna tell me his name, you could show me a picture of him or something. How'd you guys meet?"

He glanced at my brother, who was watching him with great interest.

"It was a dark and stormy night," Hakkai began suddenly. "I was badly injured—"

"An injured schoolteacher?"

"You might say I had a difficult night," he told me dismissively. "In any case, I had the good fortune that when I fell down and nearly died he happened along and carried me to safety. We've been friends ever since. Does that satisfy you?"

"He sounds like a real hero."

Hakkai gave another wry smile. "He's singular. Are you finished questioning me now? If so, I have a question for you."

"Yeah, all right," I decided I'd let his made-up roommate go for now. "What?"

"I apologize if this seems forward, but I will likely be in town for a few more days, and I wondered if you might allow me to lodge here."

This guy couldn't be for real.

"I would be happy to pay, of course, and I'm prepared to buy my own food and help out around here in any way I can."

Gojyo sat straight up. "Really? You wanna stay here? That'd be so awesome!" He looked at me, eyes bright with excitement, face breaking into a huge grin. "Can he, Jien? Please?"

I studied Hakkai again, more suspicious than ever. "There are motels in town you could check into… This isn't exactly a bed and breakfast."

"No, but I think I'd be more comfortable here, if you'll have me." He smiled winningly. I distrusted him all the more.

Why would anyone want to stay here when he could check into an inn and have his own apartment and room service? It didn't make any sense, and the only thing I could think of was he must have some reason for getting close to my brother, something Gojyo hadn't noticed because he was a kid, and I'd be stupid to let whatever little plot he'd thought up take root.

My brother said again, "C'mon, Jien, please! That'd be so awesome! Please?"

I shook my head. "I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think Mom would like it."

Gojyo's face fell, but he tried again, "But he's not gonna take any of our stuff—he wants to pay and everything! He can stay in my room!"

God forbid I let this weirdo sleep in the same room as my brother.

"No, Goj, I really don't think Mom would want to let a stranger stay here."

"Why not though? He said he'd be happy to help around the house! He could mow the yard!"

"I can cook as well," Hakkai said demurely. "And clean. I would be more than willing to pull my own weight."

I looked sharply at him, but shook my head again. "No. I don't think so. I'm telling you, Mom wouldn't like it."

He gazed into my eyes a while, a look that made me feel like he could just about read my thoughts, and then he nodded, "Yes, you're right, Jien-san. I wouldn't want to do anything that might make the lady of the house uncomfortable."

Gojyo threw himself back in his chair and folded his arms. "That bites. I don't see what the big deal is."

Hakkai smiled. "Now, now. I'd rather not upset your mother, seeing how she's prone to violent outbursts."

I frowned. I guess Gojyo told him what happened. Again, maybe I should be glad he cared—or seemed to care—because no one else ever had, but it made me nervous all the same, especially since there was definitely something off about this guy.

"Speaking of which, Gojyo-chan, you should go back to bed and stay there. It's good to see you so energetic, but you did suffer a head injury, and it would be best if you rested for at least a day or two."

Gojyo sighed and climbed out of his chair, again doing what Hakkai told him without hesitation. "Okay…but I'll see you later, right? You ain't gonna skip town without saying goodbye, are you?"

Again I noticed the way Hakkai looked at him, and the obvious affection that glowed in his eyes. What was with this guy? "No of course not. I'll come and visit you later on."

Smiling a little, Gojyo nodded.

Hakkai touched the right side of his face, and that upset me also. "Rest well."

With a somewhat brighter grin, and a nod, Gojyo turned and ran up the stairs.

Immediately, Hakkai stood, he took his mug to the sink and rinsed the cup. "Well, Jien-san, it's been a pleasure, but I suppose I ought not to overstay my welcome, correct? I can tell you're unnerved, and I can hardly blame you."

"Right," I muttered, showing him to the door, but he opened it himself and stepped out. I grabbed his arm suddenly.

Hakkai jerked out of my hand as easily as if I was a kid too, but he faced me, eyebrows raised questioningly. "Is there something on your mind, Jien-san? Something perhaps you didn't want to say in front of Gojyo?"

Damn, he _was_ smart. I glanced over my shoulder to the staircase, half-expecting to see Gojyo crouched there listening, but the kid really had run up to bed. I whirled around to face Hakkai again, leaning in closer and snarling, "Look, I don't know who or what you are, but you ain't a damn schoolteacher, I can tell that much. I dunno if you're a pervert, or a social-worker, or just a weirdo, but stay away from my brother. Understand?"

His eyes darkened. "What makes you think I'm _any_ of those things, Jien-san?"

I pointed at the bowie knife on his hip. "For real? What kind of schoolteacher carries that?"

"I'm traveling, and I'm well-versed in the art of defending myself. That's no crime, and it's certainly no basis for you to accuse me of being a what? A child molester?"

"Or a social-worker."

He laughed. It was a bright but sardonic sound that rang through the house, and I thought I heard Mom stir upstairs. "Believe me, I wish I _were_ a social-worker, because I'd take that child out of this house faster than you could even blink, Jien-san."

My blood boiled. "You couldn't. Nobody's gonna take Gojyo anywhere without—"

" _Unfortunately,_ no, I don't have any such power—and I cannot stress to you how deeply I regret that I can't remove him from this poisonous environment, that abusive woman, and your incompetent care—as to being a child molester, I'm offended, sir. Your brother trusts me, and I wouldn't dream of betraying that. Not for anything."

"Right," I hissed. "He trusts you. I don't. And he puts up with enough shit without some sicko, wannabe teacher, assassin in sheep's clothing sniffing around, so do him a favor and leave him alone."

Hakkai stared at me a while and then sighed. "Honestly. Is this how I'm repaid for showing interest in him? Very well, if that's what you want, I won't come calling. But understand that if he comes looking for me—particularly if he needs my help—I certainly won't avoid him or turn him away. He deserves to have someone on his side, regardless of how short term it may be." With that, he turned and strode down from the porch and up the path, calling back, "Try to keep him alive, won't you? You're not the only person in the world who might need him some day."

I watched him go, furious and bewildered, grinding my teeth, not knowing what to say, and then I went back in and slammed the door. I stood there a minute, thinking about what he'd said and feeling annoyed. Who did he think he was, saying I couldn't protect my brother? I'd been protecting Gojyo his whole life—I was the only one who'd ever bothered—and now this pretty boy showed up out of nowhere and told me he'd take my brother away from me if he could. How fucked up was that? I was the only family Gojyo had. How could he possibly think taking him away would help him? Away from Mom sure, but not away from me…

My stomach churned as I headed upstairs to check on Gojyo. This situation was grim and complicated enough without this new guy coming out of thin air to interfere.

In his room, Gojyo was lying in bed like he'd been told, head pillowed on his arm, but his eyes were open still. I leaned against the doorway. "Wow, you actually did what that guy told you. I'm surprised."

He sat up. "Is he gone?"

"Yeah, he just left." Good riddance too. With any luck, I wouldn't see him again. "Anyway," I walked into the room, shutting the door lightly behind me. "How do you feel? Are you okay?"

He rubbed his head. "I think I'm gonna be okay."

Nodding, I sat down on the edge of his bed and looked him over again. He looked a little pale, but other than that he seemed all right. "I'm sorry that happened last night, Goj. I shoulda done something…"

Gojyo lowered his eyes. "It's not your fault. I shoudn't've upset her."

I felt so bad for the kid, always walking on eggshells, blaming himself when he was more powerless than anyone else. "I wish I could've gone to get you. She wouldn't let me."

He nodded. "I know."

"You forgive me, right?"

"Yeah, Jien. It's okay. I know how it is… At least this time I had someone else to go to…"

I had to admit that was true, even if I didn't necessarily trust Hakkai. Not everyone would have looked after Gojyo and brought him home.

"Hakkai's really cool, huh?" He smiled at me.

I looked away, a little guilty, remembering how excited and happy he'd been last night when he met me outside the mill. "Yeah… I dunno. I think maybe you need to stay away from that guy, Goj."

Immediately, the smile fell of his face. "How come? He's my friend." I heard the familiar defiance in his voice and doubted he'd want to hear what I had to say.

Anyway, I had to try. "Look, I don't know who that guy is exactly…but I think he might be a social worker."

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. "A social worker?"

"Yeah. You know…they…" I didn't know how to explain it to him without scaring him. "They don't really care about people, they just have a job to do."

"I know what a social worker is," he said irritably. "I dunno why you think Hakkai's one."

"It's just strange the way he showed up and the way he's snooping around. I mean…I know he says his roommate is a hanyou, but I dunno if I believe that. He couldn't give us the guy's name or anything, remember?"

His eyes darkened. "You don't think his roommate's real?"

I hesitated and slowly shook my head. "I mean, I doubt it."

"Why would he lie about that?"

"To get you to trust him."

"Yeah, but what's the point if I trust him or not?"

I sighed. "Look, I know everyone in town has been looking the other way this whole time, but it's possible Hakkai was sent here to investigate our home life so he can take you away."

Gojyo thought about that a while, pushing hair out of his eyes and staring down at his blanket. "You don't think he's my friend just because he wants to be my friend?"

"He's like ten years older than you, Goj. Why would he come to town and make friends with you for no apparent reason? There's definitely more to it than that."

I could tell that upset him from the way he frowned and fidgeted and the way his eyebrows tilted together. "But…he acts like he just wants to help me."

"Because he supposedly has a hanyou for a roommate? Grow up, Gojyo, life isn't that convenient, you know that."

He glared at me. "If he wanted to take me away, he would have done it yesterday. If he needed proof that I'm not safe here, he could have done it last night when I went and found him. I just don't see any sign that that's what he's after."

"Because he's tricking you."

Gojyo shook his head, insistently. "No way, Jien."

"Fine," I sighed. "I'm just trying to protect you, okay? I just want you to be careful."

"I'm always careful."

"No, you're never careful. Promise me you'll stay away from that guy."

His anger transformed into helplessness. "Jien…I really like him…"

"Then he's doing a good job so far."

"I don't wanna stay away from him. Besides, with the way stuff is around here for me, maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if he took me away."

"Yeah, maybe, except it's not like he'd take you back to his house and start looking after you himself, and you guys would be buddies for all time. He'd put you in a foster home, or an orphanage. Do you want that?"

He thought about it before shaking his head very slowly. "No," he whispered.

"Right, so it's best to just stay away from him. Don't even give him the chance."

` "Mmkay," he muttered. "If you say so…"

Smiling a little, I ruffled his hair. "I say so. Now get some sleep. I want you to feel better."

He'd need to feel better too, because Mom wasn't going to give him any peace just because he was hurt, and I couldn't afford to take more than one day off work. It was just a matter of time before the next shit storm set in.

 **Present Gojyo**

After my encounter with the psychos in Kotogara, it took me twice as long to get home. For one thing, they chased me for half the night, and by the time I finally lost them, I was so exhausted I just fell down and slept in the first spot I found that seemed safe. When I woke up, my body was cold and stiff, I was coated in a thin layer of icy snow, and I had no idea where I was.

Shivering and starving, I wandered for hours and hours, trying to figure out how to get my ass home. I found a pond and broke the ice to drink some water, and I even found a bush that had berries on it. One or the other must have made me sick though, and I spent the rest of the day vomiting and delusional. I thought I heard voices in the woods, so I crawled down between the roots of a half-uprooted tree and spent a long time hiding before I finally convinced myself that I must have hallucinated.

Making it home on a good day would be tough, so I made myself stay put until I'd stopped throwing up, hoping that meant all the poison was out of my system, and then I started walking again, but slowly. I felt half-frozen, my head spun, and my stomach felt like it was tied in knots. I sucked on some snow to try and get some pure water in my system, but it just wasn't enough. I wanted nothing more than to get home so Hakkai could scold me for drinking stagnant water and eating poison berries, make whatever cure-all concoction he knew of, and send me to bed like a kid. Those things that normally irritated me so much suddenly sounded like the greatest comfort imaginable.

At least somebody gave a shit these days. Not like when I was a kid. At least somebody cared enough to scold and try to take care of me. Sanzo was right—I shouldn't have gone anywhere without him.

Eventually, I found a road, and I was clear enough of mind to know north from south and to start heading the direction of home, but the going was slow, and night settled in before I knew it. I was scared to stop—scared my body would shut down in the cold or from weakness, or that an animal or an insane youkai would attack me. I was too sick to defend myself, so I kept walking all night, starting at every little sound.

In my half-delirious mind, I kept thinking Hakkai would just appear out of the dark, show up out of nowhere to help me, like he had so many times in the past. But he never did. How could he? He had no idea where I was.

 _I was so dumb to leave without telling you anything._

Sanzo was right. I couldn't get much accomplished without my partner.

Around noon the next day, I found an abandoned cabin in the woods. I knocked a few times just to make sure no one was home, and then I broke in.

It was a strange place. It was clean but almost as cold as outside. Whoever lived there must have gone somewhere. I was so hungry and sick still, I raided the fridge, slammed half a gallon of water, flopped down on the couch, and passed out.

When I woke up, it was dark again, and I almost freaked out, not knowing where I was, but I felt a lot healthier and stronger, so I turned a few lights on and looked around, thinking again how strange the cabin was, just abandoned, with everything still in place. On the mantle, I found a picture of a family—a mom and dad and two little girls. They were all youkai.

Maybe they'd gone crazy too and just left their home behind. Or maybe they were off on some weekend vacation. Who knew? Either they'd come back while I was here and I'd have to explain myself, or they'd come back and wonder what happened to all their food.

I built a fire to warm up the house, ate again, made some tea, and then crawled into the first bed I found and fell asleep again.

In the morning, the family wasn't back. I thought that might mean they weren't _coming_ back. At least not any time soon. I stuffed as much food as I could fit in my pockets, filled a canteen with water, put out the embers in the fireplace, left all the money I had on me sitting on the counter, and shut the door on my way out. It wasn't impossible they'd be back soon. Willis hadn't been able to explain what was happening to the youkai in the region, so there was no telling if it was every single one of them, or just some.

As it turned out, Keiun wasn't too far from the cabin. I thought about swinging by to tell Sanzo what I'd found out, but I'd rather see Hakkai first. I hadn't figured much out, but maybe in a day or two he could go with me to the other town Willis mentioned—Tai-Ping—and we could find answers there, and then go talk to Sanzo. Sanzo would be mad I'd ignored his advice to not go alone, especially after I promised not to. Normally I wouldn't care, but he'd been right, and I didn't want to have to admit that.

I passed the temple without stopping and walked all the faster, eager to get home. I'd take whatever lecture Hakkai had in store for me for disappearing for more than three days, I just missed him.

But when I got to my house, it was as empty as the deserted cabin.

I spent a few minutes really freaking the fuck out, running around from one room to the next, thinking maybe _Hakkai_ lost his mind and vanished into thin air like the people who owned the cabin. When I went out to the garden though, the time machine was gone.

I stood exactly where it had sat for more than a month and looked around. The ground wasn't disturbed—no sign that it got dragged away, no burn marks on the trees like he'd taken off in it—even some of his tools were just where he'd left them, partly covered in snow, like he hadn't even bothered to put them away.

All the same, I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, "Hakkai! Where are you?"

A flock of birds fluttered out of the nearest tree, squawking in surprise, but everything else stayed quiet.

My pulse throbbed a little quicker. I called his name a few more times and walked around the house, but he didn't answer.

 _He wouldn't have… Not without saying goodbye. No way. Not Hakkai._

Maybe, though. If he was really that gung-ho about saving Kanan, maybe he didn't even bother to wait and see if I'd come back. Who knew how long he'd been gone? Who knew where he really was anyway. Maybe he didn't go back in time. Maybe he took the time machine somewhere to sell it after all. Maybe he'd be back.

 _I do not want to believe you'd disappear without saying_ anything _at all to me. Not you…_

Sitting down on the front back steps, I let the snow soak into my jeans and smoked and scowled at the spot where the time machine had been.

 _Why would you do this to me? Why would you do it_ this _way?_

Some of the crap Willis said to me came back to me while I was sitting there, but I tried not to think about her messed up views on hanyou.

She'd said the youkai scientists had acted a little strange before losing their minds. Hakkai had been acting _really_ strange, but I didn't want to think he'd lost his mind. He wasn't even _really_ a youkai, so maybe he wouldn't lose his mind in the first place.

If not though, maybe he really did fly into the past, and that meant he probably wasn't coming back. There was no reason for him to, especially not if he could be with Kanan. Like Willis said, I was just somebody's ill-fated lovechild; there was no reason to hang around here with me if Hakkai could be with someone he really loved.

 _Still…what a shitty thing to do. I need you, dude._

Shaking the thought away, I threw my cigarette down and got up to go back inside. I'd grown up not needing anybody, and I didn't need anybody now, sure as hell. Having Hakkai around, I'd gotten used to being treated with _some_ respect every now and then, so Willis' ramblings about hanyou kids just threw me for a loop, that's all. There was no reason to take any of it to heart. There was no reason to feel like I _needed_ somebody to look after me.

I went in through the back door and stood in the kitchen a moment, wondering if I'd ever see him cooking or cleaning or sipping tea while he studied ever again.

Tossing my damp coat over the back of a chair, I paused beside the table.

It looked like Hakkai left a note there. I read it without picking it up.

 _"I'll see you later."_

 _-Hakkai_

Shitty excuse for a goodbye. I guessed that meant he really was gone though.

As I went to my room to change into dry clothes and a hoodie, I tried not to feel angry or slighted—it was his right to go and do whatever he wanted in this time, so if he had a time machine at his disposal, why shouldn't it be his right to go and do whatever he wanted in _other_ times too? Not everybody had that luxury, but that didn't mean I deserved to hold him back or tell him where to go or what to do. It wasn't like Hakkai belonged to me.

 _Yeah, but he's all I have…_

Trying to keep him would be selfish. Controlling his life, preventing him from finding happiness, that wouldn't be right. He deserved to be happy.

 _What do I deserve then? To be lonely forever? To wake up every day, in this shack, by myself? Fuck strangers just so I can feel someone touch me? Is that really the only thing I'm good enough to have?_

I told myself I was jumping to conclusions. Hakkai was smart. He said he'd see me later. It made more sense for him to go and bring Kanan back to this time than to go and _stay_ in a time where a younger version of him still existed. He'd be back. I could stand to be lonely for a little while. I just had to trust him.

I went back to the living room to stretch out on the couch and wait.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hakkai**

For several days, I camped in the woods beyond little Gojyo's house, biding my time and trying to decide what to do, but it seemed as if I'd created an impossible dilemma for myself.

Perhaps if I'd left right away, it would have been an easier decision to make, but seeing the severity of her abuse first hand left me with significant doubts. My roommate hadn't gone into details when he told me about the dangerous home life he'd come from. He'd never told me any stories about getting his head broken open against a window, only that she'd hit him, and the fact that Jien slept with his own mother regularly, as a device to neutralize the situation, added a whole new disturbing level to the situation.

It was hard to imagine leaving little Gojyo behind when I knew such atrocities were being committed around him and against him, and I assumed it was only a matter of time before she began to prey on him sexually as well.

Of course, when I considered that I remembered, sickly, that it would never get that far; she'd make that obscene attempt on his life, Jien would murder her, and the boys would part ways, likely forever.

If I'd left matters alone and gone back to my time machine before I got a glimpse of these horrors, it might have been easier for me. I would have gone on the rest of my life not knowing about any of it. Now that I did know though, could I leave him here to go through all that, trudging every day through abuse and neglect and fear and lovelessness until it all culminated into that ultimate violence and then trickled away into the resulting trauma? That was difficult to imagine.

On the other hand, I didn't have many other options. I supposed I could stay here, never go back to my own time at all, and take it upon myself to look after Gojyo. I could be with him when Jien left and shield him from all the things that might happen to him when he was living on the streets alone. I might even be able to prevent her from attempting to kill him. I might be able to make it so Gojyo and his brother could stay together, and then I'd be able to leave this time, knowing I'd done what I could to rectify the situation.

Who knew when that was going to happen though? Gojyo always talked as if he'd been on his own since age twelve, and seeing how he was eleven now, that dreadful day was months away. Did I dare stay here and continue to tamper with things, and camp, and raise Jien's suspicions until then?

I supposed I could silently kill her before any of it happened at all and then return to my time machine, but that seemed irresponsible. Who knew what would come of that sort of meddling?

It kept occurring to me that I could tell little Gojyo the truth about who I was and where I'd come from. He might laugh at first, but surely when he saw the machine he'd realize it was the genuine article, and then I could take him with me back to my time and take care of him.

Although that plan seemed like it would be the best for Gojyo, a little voice inside me kept nagging that it wasn't a good idea overall, and I couldn't quite determine why. After all, I'd come back in time meaning to reunite with Kanan and save her from her fate, and me from my own, and I'd even considered taking her back to my time so she could live with Gojyo and me. Once, that idea had made me unbelievably happy, but that sentiment didn't transfer into these circumstances at all. I didn't think I could take little Gojyo with me back to my own time.

For one thing, Gojyo already existed in my time, and seeing how I was tampering with science not fully explored, I didn't know what ramifications might come of two of the same person existing side by side. In addition, I didn't think adult Gojyo would appreciate having a child version of himself brought into our home to live alongside us. I imagined he'd be somewhat angry that I'd interfered in such a way.

Over and over again, I told myself it might be best to leave now, before things got any worse, and over and over again, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept remembering the way he'd screamed for me in the woods, and the expression of pain and fear on his face, and the despair in his voice as he told me she broke the window with his head. It was just so hard to imagine leaving him to that, especially now that we'd met, and he'd developed a fondness for me and apparently wanted to rely on me.

I resolved to wait it out a little longer and see if there wasn't something I could do. With the time machine at my disposal, I could always go and see Kanan later. I could go wherever I wanted.

A few days passed before I saw little Gojyo again. I found odd jobs to do around town strictly as a way to spend time. I didn't necessarily need the money. I dwelled constantly on my dilemma and fretted over it when I tried to sleep at night, and more and more I began to feel as if I'd made a mistake coming back in time.

Except, I hadn't intended to come to this time and place, and I didn't understand how I'd wound up here. I went back to my machine and searched for any clue as to what had gone awry, but nothing was apparently wrong. I hid it the best I could and returned to town.

On the third day, Gojyo came looking for me. I was helping an old man in his hardware shop at the time, tidying up for some pocket money, when Gojyo swaggered through the door, glancing around with his unassuming air. The bandage was gone from his head, and the bruises and abrasions on his face were healing well.

"Hello," I said with a smile, leaning on my broom. I thought momentarily of what I'd promised Jien, but that wasn't of much consequence. He was a fool for wanting to deprive his little brother of a chance at friendship, and in any case, I wasn't out to hurt Gojyo, so what did it matter?

He grinned and waved. "Hey. Somebody told me you were here."

"Yes." I resumed sweeping. "I've been doing all sorts of little services around town."

"I thought maybe you woulda left by now…"

"Ah, not without saying goodbye. You look better by the way. The rest seems to have done you some good." I added gently, "I'm glad you're okay."

He beamed at me. I knew he appreciated my concern. As much as adult Gojyo liked to scorn and complain about it, I'd always known that it must touch something inside of him to have me fuss and exhibit interest in his emotional needs. Now I understood the reason for that: he'd spent his childhood trying to get people to care, and they simply hadn't bothered, so he'd gotten used to going without, and he was afraid to believe it was real, and yet it did make him feel better. It must.

I finished the chores I'd been assigned around the shop, and then Gojyo and I went and got some lunch. He managed to find a place that didn't seem to mind his patronage, although they did give him dirty looks, so we sat on the patio, away from the other guests.

He blew bubbles into his soft drink as we waited for our food to come. "Jien told me ta stay away from you, by the way."

He was astoundingly honest compared to his full-grown counterpart. "Oh? I see you decided not to take heed of that." No surprise there. As far as I knew, no one on earth could really make Gojyo do what they wanted, not if he decided against it.

"Yeah, well I just think it's kinda dumb. He told me he thinks you're a social worker and that you wanna take me away from home." He leveled a serious, partially analytical gaze on me.

"He said a similar thing to me. Not to worry though, I'm not a social worker, and I'm not interested in making you do anything you don't want to do." I thought of Jien's other, more distasteful theory about my being a pedophile, and even now it irritated me.

"I know," Gojyo said easily. "He's just crazy sometimes."

"He loves you," I reminded him gently. "He's trying his best to take care of you."

Gojyo nodded and turned his gaze away as if embarrassed.

Of course, even knowing that, it was difficult not to feel agitated with the elder Sha brother, because I too cared for Gojyo, and I wanted to protect him just as much.

I sipped my tea and then continued, "If memory serves me, you expressed some desire to leave this place anyway, so would it really make any difference if I _were_ intending to spirit you off somewhere?"

He shrugged, not looking at me. "I dunno. I wish I could get outta here, but I wouldn't wanna leave him. We're brothers. We should stick together."

I smiled sadly. It was hard to know they'd soon be separated regardless, and as I studied his unscarred face I wished there were some way to spare him that suffering.

I'd thought it before, on sparse occasions, when Gojyo mentioned various aspects of his past or let on to the scars that ran deeply through him, that if I could somehow minimize or even erase his pain, or at least relieve it, I would. Here it seemed I'd been given that opportunity, and I simply didn't know what I could do with it.

When we finished our lunch, we took a walk around town, and Gojyo prattled away more exuberantly than ever. I got the impression that my kindness from the other night had left a deep impact, and I knew he was somewhat enamored with me. He trotted around me, more energetic than Goku even, kicking rocks, picking up sticks and running them against the pickets of fences, pointing at things, laughing, yelling, yanking sometimes on my arms, jogging circles around me, and asking endless questions. I couldn't help loving him for it. He was very different than I'd been at age eleven.

As I looked up at the sky, it occurred to me that my young self was somewhere in this time as well, thousands of miles away. I'd been accepted into school by this time, and was hard at work applying for scholarships and studying for tests. I didn't have time for friends, games, laughter, or fun. I wondered how it would have been to have Gojyo in my life at this point. Would he have simply irked my grave sensibilities, or would I have taken solace in his brave spiritedness?

Whether he irritated me or not, he would have made a good friend for me, I knew that much. I felt that no matter what age we were, Gojyo would have dispelled the dark fog of despair that constantly hung about my life.

I missed him, I realized. Even though he was technically right beside me, I missed his vulgar jokes, and his fatalistic optimism, and his dependability. I regretted I hadn't waited longer to say goodbye to him.

Would it help _him_ at all, I wondered, to stay in the past and help his young self? There were several schools of thought when it came to time travel, one being that time followed a single path and anything one did in the past would drastically alter the future, and the other being that there were different courses time could take—different universes, some might say—and they existed separately. Either whatever I did in the past would change the circumstances of the man I'd lived beside for three years, or else my actions would only affect this particular version of Gojyo. There would be no way of knowing which it was until I went home.

 _I would help you if I could…in any way I could…_

And then a new idea dawned on me. If I did alter the life of the Gojyo I knew in my own time, if I somehow made it so he and Jien never had to be separated, it was possible he wouldn't be there on that fateful night to save me. Did that mean I would cease to exist? By coming back in time, would I destroy myself?

Beside me, little Gojyo chattered on, and I looked down on him in a new light. Was he worth my own destruction? Was sparing him some pain important enough to condemn myself to simply vanishing from the face of the earth? Along that line of thought, shouldn't I be trying to _ensure_ that his mother tried to kill him and his brother abandoned him?

Gojyo smiled up at me brightly. "Whassamatter? You're all frowny."

Somehow, this child held my very life in his hands, and only through that trauma and pain I so wanted to spare him could I survive.

His smiled drooped a little, and he hesitated. I could only imagine the terrible expression now gracing my face. "Hakkai?" he said my name tentatively.

"It's nothing." I smiled again and reached down to brush my hand along the cheek that would some day have the scars…if I allowed it.

He grinned again and caught my wrist, and I knew how happy he was that I was with him.

The moment didn't last long. Gojyo let go of me suddenly and raced ahead. "Look there's the school! It's recess time!"

I followed him, still pondering my dark thoughts.

It was the same schoolhouse I'd seen when I first came into town, small and quaint, surrounded by the beauty of nature, kissed by the rays of the sun. Children of varying ages gamboled in the meadow, chasing one another, throwing and kicking brightly colored balls, laughing, crying, shouting angrily, and even fighting. I saw both human and youkai children.

Gojyo hopped up on the fence and leaned against a post, watching them with a wry smile and lighting a cigarette. "Look at 'em all. Ha! Suckers."

"Is this the only school in town?" I asked when I arrived at his side.

"Nah, there's another over near my house, an' one more on the rich side of town, where my dad used to live."

"I see." I watched the children a while before asking, "Why don't you go to school, Gojyo-chan?" My roommate had made it abundantly clear that he'd not set foot in a classroom—ever—and that he didn't regret that fact either. He told me ignorance was bliss and that I had enough education for both of us, in that smug, teasing manner.

 _I miss you…_

"I did once," little Gojyo said. "Jien made me go a few years back but…" he shrugged. "The other kids were assholes. They didn't wanna have anything to do with me, so I never went back."

"You deprived yourself of the chance at an education. You know that, don't you?"

He didn't seem to care. "I don't need an education to be a sailor. Anyway, it wasn't just the kids—the teacher picked on me a lot when I was there." He snorted. "Good riddance. Look, how fucked those losers are."

"Now, now, what did I tell you about speaking that way? You're far too young to use such inappropriate language."

He stuck his tongue out at me playfully. "Want me ta speak keigo like you do?"

"It would be a touch more charming," I told him, ruffling his hair.

Gojyo laughed and went back to watching the other kids, and despite what he said, I detected a touch of yearning in his expression. He did wish he could be there with them, laughing and playing like a normal little boy.

I'd squandered that opportunity, I realized. I could have made friends with the other orphans and laughed and played their games, but I'd purposely chosen not to, and now I'd never know how it felt to be like one of those children on the playground.

"Hey, Hakkai," Gojyo asked in a while. "Tell me about your roommate, would'ja?"

I glanced quizzically at him, but he still wore that wishful smile. "Why are you asking me that?"

"Dunno. You said he's a hanyou like me, right?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Jien thinks you made him up to trick me." He focused a strangely serious gaze on me. "You didn't, right?"

I wondered what Jien was thinking, telling him something so absurd. Didn't he realize there was a thread of cruelty in that? "No, of course not. He's very real."

"Tell me about him."

I sighed. "Let's see… He's my age, but taller than me, and he's something of a punk."

"Yeah, okay, what's he weigh?" Gojyo rolled his eyes. "What's he _like_ , dude?"

"Oh, excuse me. Ah, well he's…"

"Did he really save your life?"

"Without a doubt. I would have died if it weren't for him. He has an unexpectedly soft heart for a delinquent, and he always makes me laugh, even when I don't want to." I hesitated again, unsure what else to say. It was impossibly strange, trying to describe Gojyo to himself. I half worried he might realize in time that I was describing his own characteristics. "He's a touch immature, but…he's highly dependable. I trust him with my life."

"You said he's like a brother to you," little Gojyo said quietly. "Is he really?"

"Yes. He's my best friend."

When he looked at me again, I could tell he was surprised. "You mean that?"

"Why would I lie about such a thing?"

"I dunno. It's hard to believe somebody would be best friends with a hanyou."

I frowned. "Do you really think that, or is that just what they want you to think?"

His look hardened in contemplation, and he watched the children again.

"The people in this town would not appreciate my roommate any more than they appreciate you, which is a shame since he's worth the whole passel of them put together. Anyone who could think he's undeserving of my friendship because he happens to be of mixed blood and I'm not would be quite mistaken—I'm the one who's unworthy."

His eyes bulged as he whipped around to stare at me.

Softer, I said, "I didn't deserve the second chance he gave me, and I don't deserve the friendship he offers me on a daily basis. He's a far better man that I can ever be, far, far better at handling his hardships and making the most of his situation, and far better at treating people with compassion. He's unbelievably brave, all things considered. I can't ever hope to be like him."

"You think he's better than you?" little Gojyo asked reverently. "Even though he's taboo?"

"I think he's my equal," I amended, "and that he has strengths I lack, and that I need his strength on my side."

No truer word had ever been spoken, and I suddenly missed my roommate so much I could hardly stand it.

 _I'm sorry I just left you like that…ignoring what you said. You warned me this could happen…and I didn't listen. Now I'm not sure what I should do._

"Does he know ya think that?" little Gojyo wondered, voice still soft with wonder.

"I'm not sure. I've done what I could to express his value in my life, but I fear he doesn't honestly believe in it. Like you, he's bogged down by the lie that he couldn't possibly be worth anything, even to me, because he's a child of taboo. I don't know if he'll ever let himself buy into the idea that I love him more than anything and that I would do anything for him."

He stared wide-eyed at me, speechless.

"I would kill for that man, Gojyo-chan. I would die." I drew a deep breath. "I would stop existing simply to spare him a moment of pain." I touched his unscarred cheek again, smiling contritely. "He's earned every sliver of loyalty I have to give."

 _If I save you…and it kills me…I'll never see you again, will I?_

That thought was far too grave for the moment, and I didn't wish to dwell on it. I'd much rather enjoy my present company and hope that things worked out, though I didn't see how they could. I'd put myself in this position, and it seemed as if I'd backed myself into a proverbial corner.

The whistle blew, and I watched the children swarm reluctantly back into the school house, and then I climbed the fence myself, smiling. "Let's play a game, shall we?"

Gojyo looked skeptically at me. "On the playground?"

I gestured to the open meadow. "I don't see why not, seeing how it's been vacated."

Still, he looked unsure. "What kinda game?"

"Oh, I don't know." I lifted him over the fence and set him down beside me. "Hide and go seek?"

Nervously, he glanced around the playground, like he expected someone to materialize and chase him off. "Can we do that with just two of us? Don'tcha need like a bunch of friends to play hide and seek?"

"Not necessarily, even if it does make it more interesting." I studied him. "Have you never played before? Not even with Jien?"

"Yeah, but that was back when…" He seemed to think better of what he was saying and rerouted suddenly. "When he was a kid. It's just been a long time."

"I think you and I will have plenty of fun on our own," I assured him with a smile. "Come along now. Do you want me to count first?"

He nodded, slowly, breaking into an uneasy smile.

I added, "Don't worry. I'm with you; you're not going to get in trouble for being here, Gojyo-chan."

"All right."

"All right," I agreed. "Now go hide." And I turned away to count.

The meadow was not the most ideal place to play hide and seek, because it was mostly open, with a small thicket of trees off to the west, but I took my time looking for Gojyo, focusing my energy on enjoying the sunshine and the thrill of the hunt, just to keep myself from considering the bleak circumstances at hand.

Nevertheless, I found him within fifteen minutes, and when it was my turn to hide, it didn't take him much longer than that to find me.

Still, it didn't take him long to forget his initial reservations, and before long he was running through the meadow, laughing, like all the other children had been, and I was lax when it came to chasing him. I shut out all my worries and concerns and appreciated a chance to see him be happy and normal.

After several rounds of hide and seek, Gojyo grasped my wrist, eyes wild with excitement, face flushed with exertion and joy, and feverishly suggested we broaden our horizons and play hide and seek throughout the entirety of the town.

I was reluctant at first. The meadow was small and controlled, and my chances of actually losing track of him were slim. Furthermore, it was empty, and no one was going to harass him, and even if they did, I'd be well within earshot. I told him the town would be much too large for a game of hide and seek, but he insisted it would be more fun.

Reluctantly, I gave in, on the condition that we choose a particular section of the town, and that other areas were strictly off limits. I told him we could play on the market street, but not one block outside of that.

He agreed to my strictures with some disappointment, but by the time we walked to market street and he hid his face against the wall of the post office to count, he was excited again.

I slunk away to hide behind an apple cart, telling myself that Gojyo had always wandered this town by himself before I met him, and it was silly to worry.

For the remainder of the afternoon, we played hide and seek, and slowly my worries vanished into nothing. Gojyo was good about staying within the boundaries I'd set up, and he seemed satisfied with playing in the bustling market place. Similarly, it was small enough that I never really lost track of him for too long.

Once, when he was supposed to be hiding, he was accosted by a small group of children near his age. School must have gotten out by then, and I came across them, surrounding him in a small semi-circle. The largest of the three was a boy who appeared to be several years older than Gojyo, and he was shouting at him and pushing him around.

Gojyo was being surprisingly non-violent about it, not saying so much as one word in his own defense, and as I drew closer I heard him say, "I'm sorry, Taro. Look, I'm not gonna tell on you—"

"You better not, freak!" Taro gave him an especially vicious shove, and his friends caught Gojyo by the arms, holding him in place.

Next, Taro produced a shiny switchblade with a bright red handle and brandished it back and forth.

"I said I'm not gonna!" Gojyo insisted, struggling against his captors. "It's been days since that even happened!"

"Yeah, well just in case you think about changing your mind, here's a little reminder for you." Taro closed in with the knife, and one of his friends jerked Gojyo's sleeve back and held his arm in place.

Fortunately, I arrived at that exact moment and gripped Taro by the shoulder.

He was so startled, he let out a high-pitched shriek and jumped half a foot in the air, and by the time he landed, I'd turned him to face me.

"What do you think you're doing?" I demanded.

The boy gaped up at me, stammering, "I…we…I mean…he…he stole this. I-I was just tryin' to—"

"That is not a toy," I informed him severely, disarming him with a deft twist of the wrist. "And I'm appalled to see a young man your age resorting to such craven intimidation. Detaining and threatening to do bodily harm to a peer suggests cowardice, not to mention a strong possibility of sociopathic tendencies. I may just have to speak with your parents about having you psychologically evaluated."

Taro's face paled. "What? I…I wasn't gonna hurt him. I just wanted to scare him."

"Ah, well in that case, you're well on your way to being the dictator of a small country, purposely exploiting the less fortunate than yourself and fear mongering in order to get what you want." I released him and pushed him away, a bit roughly. "I suggest you and your friends go back to torturing small animals now. You wouldn't want me to get the police involved."

"The police!" one of the other delinquents squeaked. "T-Taro—"

"We didn't do anything wrong!" the third whined.

I waved the knife at them. "I think minors in possession of a concealed weapon is a case worth investigating. I'm sure the authorities would be fascinated to hear how you came by it."

Taro pointed ferociously at Gojyo. "That hanyou stole it, onichan!"

"H-hakkai," Gojyo blurted, looking absolutely terrified. "I didn't—"

I smiled at Taro. "Mm. You are a coward, aren't you? And quite rude, I might add." Next, I slanted a look at his cronies. "Now let him go."

They took their hands off him so fast, Gojyo nearly fell, but I was quick to steady him, and then we watched the trio of troublemakers dash up the street as quickly as they could.

"I didn't steal it," Gojyo said quickly. "I didn't steal anything. Taro took the knife when I wasn't looking, it's just that I was holding it first, but he's the one who swiped it, I swear!"

"Now, now." As he babbled on, I looked him over for any sign of injury, but other than being somewhat ruffled, he appeared unharmed. I straightened his shirt for him and dusted him off. "Now, now, I believe you. There's no reason to be afraid."

His forehead wrinkled as he looked up at me, and he did look scared.

I brushed a strand of hair away from his eyes, smiling reassuringly. "Shall we sit down somewhere so you can compose yourself?"

Gojyo shook his head suddenly. "No, I'm fine."

"Good then, because it's still your turn to hide."

We played a while longer, and soon Gojyo forgot about his encounter with Taro and his gang, but from then on I made Jeep accompany him when we parted. If nothing else, he could alert me if anything else went wrong; I was beginning to see I couldn't trust any of the people in this intolerant town with my little friend.

Fortunately, we didn't experience any further difficulties. The people around us looked strangely at me when they realized I was playing a game with their resident child of taboo, but none of them disturbed us, and Gojyo laughed and ran through the streets as if he didn't even realize anyone else existed. I supposed he'd always been that way—oblivious if not indifferent to the judgment of others, despite the fact that he was an individual most people would be quick to criticize.

That realization made me feel glad to know him. Not just this small version of him, but my adult roommate as well. So many people over his life had simply brushed him off as a person of insignificance, and here I had had the great stroke of fortune to be given the opportunity to cultivate an intimate relationship with him.

 _God, I hope I get to see you again._

I thrust that thought away at once. I didn't want to imagine not seeing him again.

When the sun began to set, I told Gojyo it would be best if we had some dinner, and then I would walk him home, or to meet Jien, if he preferred, but Gojyo wanted to play one more time. He spent several minutes and quite a bit of energy convincing me. At first, I was steadfast in my decision, because I didn't want Jien to worry about him, or to blame me when he got home late, and I also thought it was important for him to have some discipline and structure in his life.

Still, he insisted he'd thought of the best place to hide, and he wasn't at all satisfied with the promise that we'd play again tomorrow, possibly because he half-believed I'd leave town in the middle of the night. As he went on begging and insisting it wouldn't take long, I reconsidered, simply because it was clear that he rarely got to enjoy such pleasures.

Finally, I agreed that we had enough time to play just once more.

Gojyo was ecstatic at once, pumping his fist against the sky and cheering, running a circle around me, thanking me exuberantly.

"All right now," I told him with a laugh. "You run along and hide—don't waste time."

With that, he tore off down the street, and Jeep flapped after him.

Still chuckling, I closed my eyes to count, and I even gave him five extra seconds.

I took my time finding him. I thought as long as we were behind schedule already, we might as well enjoy it and not rush it. The street was mostly empty now, so Gojyo would be easier to find anyway, and the streetlamps and shop lights were coming on. I passed a tavern and smelled the mouthwatering scent of roasted meat. Perhaps we'd dine there, if the management wasn't too intolerant.

As I went along, I peered carefully down alleyways and behind stands, carts, barrels, and crates, but I saw no sign of Gojyo. He'd seemed to think his hiding spot was unique, so I kept my eyes open for unusual places as well, but still I didn't see him anywhere. As a matter of fact, I got all the way to the end of the street without catching a glimpse of him, and then I stood there, pondering it.

Evidently, he really had chosen a good spot.

Or else I'd simply overlooked him.

Shrugging to myself, I turned back the way I'd come and walked up the street again, being twice as careful this time, stopping to investigate cluttered allies and abandoned buildings, checking behind dumpsters and even going inside various establishments, but still, when I reached the far end of the street I hadn't found Gojyo.

By that time, it was beginning to get dark, and I had a nervous feeling sitting in my gut. Would he have gone outside the boundaries of the game to hide on a different street? That was unexpectedly naughty of him, seeing how he'd been so compliant with my instructions all day. Still, I couldn't overlook the possibility.

I walked down the street a third time, and this time I called him by name as I went along, and I asked several passersby if they'd seen him, but no one had. I called to Jeep as well, thinking he might be more obedient, but the night was silent.

Eventually, I cut through an alley to go to the next street up and searched there as well. I combed every inch of it, still calling for them, but they didn't answer.

As time wore by, I began to feel more and more afraid. Could something have happened to him?

No, that was absurd. He wasn't well-liked in this town, but I didn't want to believe someone would take him or hurt him.

"Gojyo!" I shouted, unable to help sounding angry now. "Answer me! At once!"

The only response I got was the startled yowl of an alley cat streaking across my path.

"This is not funny!" I called again.

Still nothing.

I spent over an hour searching the marketplace again, along with its surrounding streets, and I branched out further and further until I felt I'd been all through that side of town. It occurred to me that he might have gone to meet Jien. Was he inconsiderate enough to have done that without informing me of his intentions?

My roommate certainly was, but this youthful version of him seemed far too innocent and far too eager to be liked to behave in such a distasteful manner.

Still, not impossible.

Just as I was beginning to think I should go find Jien myself and see if Gojyo wasn't with him, Jeep flew out of the night, screeching wildly.

"Jeep? Where's Gojyo?" I offered him my arm.

Instead of landing, he fluttered before me, tugging insistently on my collar. From the way he was panting and perspiring, I took it he was rather exhausted, and his manner was frantic.

"Where's Gojyo?" I demanded again, heart beginning to pound.

With another shriek, Jeep took off again, back the way he'd come.

I raced after him, chest tight with dread.

 **Past Gojyo**

Rough hands shoved me forward, and I fell on my knees, wrists tied behind my back, unable to catch myself.

Somebody kicked me in the ribs, knocking me onto my side, and I gave a pained yelp, voice muffled by the gag in my mouth.

"Oh, come now," a sneering voice scolded. "That was uncalled for."

I felt someone hovering over me and curled into a ball, unable to shield myself from the next blow, but someone snagged my arm and jerked me to my feet. They yanked the blindfold off, and I looked around, blinking.

It was a little room, all concrete and stone with a dirt floor, and it was wet. I heard water dripping somewhere, and the air was stale. I didn't see any windows, just a rough-cut door behind me, and chains hung off the walls. A pile of dirty straw lay in the corner.

Shuddering, I turned to face the kidnappers, but they were just big, brutal guys I couldn't make out very well in the dim light of the single torch they brought with them. Their eyes gleamed wickedly.

"What's the matter?" one sneered. "You scared?"

My whole body was shaking, and my heart was in my throat, but I just stared at them, trying to recognize them. All I could make out was the glint of the badges on their lapels and the brass buttons down the fronts of their uniforms. Cops?

I shrank away from them.

What the hell did I do? One second, I was playing hide and seek with Hakkai, and the next, somebody nabbed me from behind, but I didn't expect it to be the fucking _cops_.

One of them grabbed the front of my shirt and threw me to the ground again. "Might as well siddown, kiddo. You're gonna be here a while."

The other loomed over me, laughing. "You know what you did, right? Yeah, you do. You're not getting out of here any time soon."

"What did I do?" I screamed, but the gag filled my mouth, and the words came out as a bunch of stupid sounds.

They laughed at me and kicked dirt on me. They spent a few minutes jerking me around. One would tell me to get on my feet and yank me up by the collar or by my hair or arm, and then the other would yell at me for standing up, and throw or push or kick me down again. It didn't take long before I was bruised and covered in dirt, but they wouldn't take off the handcuffs or the gag to let me defend myself or even speak up for myself.

One of them backhanded me so hard I saw stars, and I lay on the cold floor, panting, vision going black, writhing with terror and pain.

His buddy hauled me up again, snickering. "Man, we could do whatever we wanted with him down here, huh, Fang?"

Fang had a stupid, mean laugh. "Oh, yeah. Anything."

The other guy got in my face, grinning like a chimp. He was missing a tooth. "We could fuck him, huh?"

My heart slammed to a sudden stop and I nearly passed out.

"Yeah, I could use somethin' tight."

Fang stroked my cheek with the back of a grimy hand.

"We could sell him."

"Heh. Think anybody would _want_ him?"

I closed my eyes, trying to shut this out. Trying not to cry.

"Like you said, he's tight. People got sick fetishes."

They stood back and laughed about that and shoved me around and hit me again and joked about fucking me just to sample the merchandise.

After a moment of silence, Fang hissed, blowing fetid breath in my face. "We could just kill him."

"Nobody would ever know."

"There's lots of ways to do it. Lots of ways I'd like to try."

My body shuddered so violently, I almost fell down, and my eyes and throat were burning. Where was Jien? Could he come and save me? He didn't even know where I was.

Hakkai might look for me, but he'd get frustrated and give up when he couldn't find me. I wasn't his to come and save.

No, I couldn't think that way. Hakkai acted like he cared about me. For all I knew, he really did. For all I knew, he'd realize I was missing and he'd…

Even if he realized I was missing, it's not like he'd find me.

Fang and his friend went on discussing all the messed up ways they could kill me, all the nasty ways they'd ever fantasized about killing somebody, from decapitation, to chopping my body into pieces bit by bit.

I stood pressed against the freezing wall, too scared to even blink.

"Maybe we could do it all," Fang decided finally. "Fuck him first, kill him, chop him into pieces, and sell his body for parts."

Blood and spit drizzling down my chin, I bit back a whimper, unable to even beg for my life.

"I like that idea," the other decided, drawing his knife and moving toward me. He set the cold flat of the blade against my cheek. "If we're gonna do it, might as well do it right."

I managed to sputter out, "don't," but he just laughed in my face.

Behind us, the door creaked open. It was heavy and wooden and sounded like it had never been oiled. The massive frame of a man filled the doorway a moment, and then he stepped in, calmly shutting the door behind him.

They stood at attention right away, and the new guy made his way toward us, hands clasped behind his back. I could just make out his badge in the light. It looked like he was an officer.

"What's going on in here?" he demanded in a lazy tone.

"Sir. We apprehended the thief, Sir," Fang explained.

The officer looked from him to his partner. "Kekatsu, what are you doing with that knife?"

"Er… Sir, I was priming the prisoner for interrogation."

"Hmm." The officer lit a cigarette. Blue smoke gushed from his mouth and swirled around his head, and the sweet smell of tobacco filled the room. "The two of you are something. Terrorizing a little kid when he's bound and gagged. That's not what I told you to do, is it?"

"No, Sir," Fang murmured, and Kekatsu echoed him, shoving his knife back into its sheathe.

"Untie him." The officer snapped his fingers. "And get that goddamn gag out of his mouth. I want to talk to him."

The shuffled around, undoing my handcuffs and taking the gag off, and then they stepped back and he stepped forward, towering over me. He seemed twice as tall as Jien.

"Well, Gojyo, do you know who I am?"

I stared at his face. It looked like his nose had been broken a couple times before, but I couldn't see much else about him. I shook my head, still trembling all over.

"My name is Officer Teiping Lapato."

I'd heard of him. He was pretty high up around here, and his father was one of the town officials. An elder or something.

"I-I'm Sha Gojyo," I muttered, wiping my mouth with my wrist and offering him my hand.

Lapato looked at it with a raised eyebrow, like I'd offered him a cockroach on a plate, and he wouldn't shake hands with me. "I know who you are, obviously. I'm offended you don't know me, but I guess I'm not surprised, and I guess it doesn't really matter."

"'Kay…" I rubbed my eye next. It felt like it was starting to bruise already.

"Do you know why you're here?"

I stared at Fang and Kekatsu, thinking they could give me some hint, but they hadn't said anything about why they'd brought me here. I looked up at him again, feeling shorter by the second. "No. Did I do somethin' wrong?"

The two of them laughed at me, talking about how I was just a stupid, immoral, little punk, but Lapato shook his head like he was just really disappointed.

He crouched down to look me in the eyes. "Let me tell you something, Gojyo, all right? In this world of ours, there is right and there is wrong, there is truth and there are lies. How old are you, Gojyo?"

"Almost twelve," I muttered.

"Okay, so you're old enough to understand that, don't you think? I think you're more than old enough to follow the rules, don't you?"

I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about. I hadn't broken any rules. I nodded anyway.

"That's good. You know, we have rules for a reason. You know that, right? And you know when you break the rules there are consequences, don't you? Punishment?"

"Yeah, but…I didn't—"

"Don't interrupt me, all right? I'm talking, and you wait until I'm done, you got it?"

I nodded again, but I didn't get that either. He asked me a question.

He sighed suddenly, like he was deeply troubled, and ran a huge hand back over his slick hair. "I'm just trying to understand, Gojyo, okay? I'm just trying to understand; if you know there's right and wrong, and you know there are rules, and you know there's punishment for breaking them, why do you think you're exempt from all that?"

I just stared at him. I didn't even understand what he meant. "I—"

"Well? Is there a reason you think the rules don't apply to you?"

"I-I don't. I mean…I know they do. I don't think I'm special or nothin'."

"That's good. Because you're not." He got up again, puffing on his cigarette, and he stood there a couple minutes, just studying me and smoking.

I wanted a cigarette too, but I didn't dare get one out right now.

"So," he asked at last. "Do you know what this is all about?"

I shook my head.

Lapato's eyes hardened. "This would be a lot easier on you if you told me the truth right away, don't you think?"

I thought about that. I didn't know what he thought I did, but yeah, probably if I just confessed it right away they at least wouldn't hit me anymore. If I didn't, who knew? They might beat the hell out of me. At last, I just nodded again.

"All right, so do you want to tell me the truth? Do you want to tell me why you think you're here?"

I thought hard about that next. I went back through months and months of my life, trying to remember anything I might have done that was bad enough for them to treat me like this, but in the end, all I could think was that I was here because I was a hanyou, because I didn't do anything wrong, and even if I had, none of it was bad enough to get tied up and dragged down here, threatened and harassed by cops, with a knife stuck in my face. "I-I don't know," I admitted. "I was just playin' in the market with my friend. I didn't do anything wrong."

He took another deep sigh.

I glanced toward the door.

Suddenly, Lapato struck. He snatched me up by the neck and slammed me back against the wall, and I hit my head against the stone. He spat in my face, words dripping with venom, "Listen here, you little fuck, I know your kind—born villain, that's you. You don't give a fuck about the rules, you don't give a fuck about other people, all you give a fuck about is you, am I right? In a few years, you'll be an all-out criminal, and I doubt there's anything anyone can do about it, but I'm tryin' to save you from that shit right now, kid. You're starting out young, and unless you wanna go to honest-to-God prison and get pounded in the ass by the time you're eighteen, you need to appreciate what I'm trying to do for you and be honest. Now, let's hear it."

I was so scared I could barely breathe. Me? A criminal? No way. I never did anything wrong. Yeah, I played with fire behind the grocery store and was learning to gamble, but I wasn't planning on being any kind of criminal. "I-I don't know what I did," I whispered at last. "I really, really don't. I'm sorry, but I just don't know. I was playing hide and seek, and—"

"Fuck your hide and seek." He dropped me on my ass suddenly and paced around the cell. "Fine. You want me to spoon feed salvation to you? I'll try it. You know who Raekishima is, don't you?"

"Raeki? Y-yeah…" I glanced at the other two, once again looking for some clue. "I know Raeki. He sells knives, right?"

"Oh, he sells knives, right?" Lapato sneered, mimicking my voice. "All right, so at least you're not completely stupid, right, hanyou? So the other day, Raekishima comes and reports to me that he had some merchandise stolen from him—poor bastard looked like hell too, with a fractured skull and broken arm—he fingered _you_ for the thief. What do you have to say to that?"

My heart pounded to another sudden stop, and I got that watery feeling down the back of my throat, like I was gonna throw up. "I didn't—"

" _Today_ , little Taroshita Kina comes to me and says he saw _you_ with one of Raekishima's knives. The one that was stolen, as a matter of fact. Isn't _that_ something?"

For a long, long time, all I could do was sit there and stare down at my own boots. Raeki really thought I stole that switchblade, so that was one thing, but Taro _knew_ he did it, and he was just trying to stick it to me because Hakkai made him look stupid today. Once again, I didn't do a damn thing wrong, and everybody was out to get me for it.

Part of me thought, hey, fuck Taro, he's a backstabbing piece of shit. But I said I wouldn't tell, not because I was scared of him—I could kick his ass if I really wanted—but because I wasn't a tattletale like that. I wasn't a rat. There was no way he'd ever be friends with me, I guessed, but that didn't mean I wanted to get him in trouble either.

Bitterly, I wondered what they'd do to him if they found out he stole the knife. I bet anything they wouldn't throw him in a dingy, little cell without windows and threaten to kill him over it. They'd probably just talk to his parents and want the knife back.

Were Taro and his friends really that much better than me that I deserved this and they didn't?

Lapato nudged me with the toe of his boot. "Hello? Anybody home?"

I looked up at him again, breathing hard, feeling wild with terror. "I didn't do it. I didn't take it. I didn't take _anything_. I mean…I was there, so I can see why Raeki thought I did, but I didn't do it. I'm not a thief."

He laughed at me, and the others joined in. Again, he made fun of my voice, talking all high-pitched like his balls hadn't dropped yet, "I can _see_ why Raeki thought I took it, because I was there and then the knife disappeared, but I swear I didn't do it!' Give me a break, kiddo. You wanna be a liar on top of a thief?"

"I swear I didn't take it," I said again.

"All right, so where did it go?"

I shook my head and swallowed hard. "I don't know."

"You saw it though, didn't you? Don't lie about _that_ , because Raeki saw you playing with it, and then Taroshita saw you with it today."

"So where is it?" I demanded suddenly, jumping to my feet and spreading my arms. "Fucking _frisk_ me, asshole, because I just saw Taro like two hours ago, and I haven't been anywhere since."

All three of them stared quietly at me. Lapato puffed his cigarette thoughtfully.

"Do it!" I insisted. "'Cause I didn't take it, and when you don't find it on me, you'll have to let me go!"

Lapato snapped his fingers again, and Fang stepped forward and frisked me really quick. He turned to his boss, shaking his head.

"Maybe you better do a cavity search," I sneered. I could barely believe those words came out of my mouth, but there they were, and I couldn't take them back, so I just tried to look confident.

Lapato came forward again and grabbed me by the shirt again, jerking me forward to stand face to face with him. His conversational voice turned deadly. "Listen here, you little prick, you're not in any position to act like a smart ass. Raekishima saw you steal his knife, and Taroshita saw you with it today. Just because you were smart enough to ditch it somewhere doesn't mean you didn't take it."

"I didn't though," I insisted. "I didn't take it, and I didn't ditch it. I never had it."

He shook his head. "Well, you're wrong about one thing anyway. We don't have to let you out of here, not if we don't want to."

I almost fell down when I heard that. "Yes you do. You can't keep me for nothing."

"Oh, I can. Because nobody's gonna miss you, hanyou."

He shoved me away again and turned his back on me. "Maybe in a day or two, when you're really cold and really hungry you'll change your mind about leveling with me, but I guess that might be giving you too much credit. We'll see."

"You can't do this!" I yelled. "You can't lock me up for nothing!"

He made his way toward the door. "Tie him up again, boys. Maybe rough him up a little—see if you can get him to talk."

I choked, and my body jerked. I opened my mouth to scream, but I couldn't even breathe.

Lapato opened the door and stopped dead.

Hakkai was just chilling there in the doorway with his hands in his pockets, looking around like a kid on a field trip. He smiled when he saw Lapato. "Oh, good evening. You wouldn't happen to be the man in charge, would you?"

Lapato stared at him. "That's me. Who are you?"

"Ah, no one of any consequence, but I think you may have something of…ah yes, there he is." He waved at me. "Konbanwa, Gojyo-chan."

It was a dream. It had to be a dream. I hadn't honestly believed anyone would show up to save me, so this couldn't possibly be real. But it didn't matter.

"Hakkai!" I ran, reaching desperately for him.

Fang caught me and held me back, twisting my arms behind my back again.

I struggled and screamed, trying to stomp on his toes. "Let me go! Let me go! Hakkai, help me!"

Unfazed, Hakkai looked at Lapato again. His voice was quieter now, and more serious. "Are you going to let him go?"

Lapato snorted. "What, because some little prick like you showed up for him? I don't think—"

"No, because you're detaining a child against his will for no reason whatsoever, and you're abusing him from the looks of it, and maybe I'm just a bit old-fashioned, but I think your superiors would be a touch disapproving of this type of misconduct."

Lapato laughed, and his boys joined him again.

"Hakkai!" I yelled, fighting the urge to cry. "They don't fucking care! They—"

Kekatsu hit me suddenly, "Shut up, mutt."

Hakkai's eyes flashed, but Lapato patted him on the shoulder. "Look here, boy, I don't know who you are, but you're definitely not old fashioned—you're progressive. That hanyou doesn't have rights like you and I do. I can do whatever I want with him. And until I figure out this whole scenario with what happened at the knife stand, I don't think I can let him go. It wouldn't be right to put that little criminal back on the streets just so he can grow up into a _big_ criminal and start doing real damage."

Hakkai ignored him. He pushed his hand off his shoulder, but he kept his eyes on Kekatsu, and his voice was blizzard cold. "If you strike him again, I promise to every god you believe in, I will rip your hand off and shove it up your rectum."

Kekatstu started to laugh, but he stopped right away, and I could see why. Hakkai's face had turned scary dark. His eyes were lightless pits, his mouth a curving snarl, teeth just slightly bared, and he looked like he was only a second away from literally ripping someone a new asshole with their own hand.

Kekatsu and Fang both took their hands off me. One of them muttered, "Shit."

I sprang forward the second I could, shoved passed Lapato, and threw myself against Hakkai, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face against his shirt. I was breathing so fast I thought I'd hyperventilate.

Hakkai touched my hair and held me close.

I heard him murmur, "There, there, you're all right—I've got you." And then he said, "Well, in any case, here's the stolen merchandise in question."

I chanced a glance up to see him produce the red-handled switchblade.

Lapato glared down at me. "You little fuck job, you _did_ —"

Hakkai popped the knife open and threw it at his feet, and the blade stuck in the ground a quarter of an inch from the toe of his boot. "Today, I took it away from a child whose name I believe was Taro. I heard him threatening Gojyo not to inform on him. I believe if you speak to your sword salesman again you'll come to learn that that boy was also present when the knife went missing, though I highly doubt you'll treat them in _this_ appalling manner. Funny, though. They don't have anyone half as _furious_ as I am who would come to get them." He paused to scan all three of them, and that expression was still terrifying, so I pressed my face against him again. "Frankly, I would love nothing more than to teach all three of you some manners. I suppose you're just lucky you didn't have him for very long, otherwise I certainly would."

With that, he scooped me up, tucked my head under his chin, and turned away, muttering, "Say goodbye, Gojyo. I can't guarantee you'll ever see these men again."

There was such a chill in his words, I couldn't help shuddering, and when I looked at Lapato and his men I knew they felt it too. He had just threatened to kill them.

And then he slammed the door behind us, locked it, and strode up the stairs, holding me tightly.

I fisted my hands in his shirt and rested my head against his shoulder. It had been a long time since anybody carried me like a little kid, but I wasn't embarrassed. I was just glad he came to save me.

We were quiet as we left the jailhouse, and Hakkai carried me several blocks before we came to a bench under a lamppost. He set me down, carefully, turning my face back and forth to look at the damage. He scrubbed the blood off my nose and chin and smoothed the hair away from my eyes. I studied his expression, but it was nothing like that haunting stare he'd given them. It was much gentler and kinder. His voice was warm when he asked, "Are you all right, Gojyo-chan?"

My heart was still racing with leftover adrenaline, but I nodded. "H-how did you find me?"

"Jeep showed me where you were."

Jeep flew down from his perch on the lamppost and nuzzled at my cheek, licking my face.

I patted his head. "Thanks, boy."

He chirped at me.

Hakkai petted him too. "That's why I sent him with you in the first place, I suppose, but I am still rather shocked this happened."

"It's just 'cause of what I am," I told him quietly, leaning my pounding head on his shoulder. "Like you said, they wouldn't'a done that to Taro and his friends."

"No, I'm afraid that's true." He combed his fingers through my hair and sighed. "I must apologize though. I shouldn't have allowed this to happen."

"It's not your fault. They all think I'm a criminal. I dunno why."

"I don't know either."

I looked up at him, sadly. "D'ya think I'll be a criminal, Hakkai?"

He went on petting my hair absently, and he shook his head. "No, I don't think you'd be very good at that."

A little comforted, I snuggled against his shoulder and closed my eyes. He smelled good, and he made me feel safe.

We sat there for a little while before Hakkai said, "You had me very scared. I want you to know that."

I opened my eyes again. "How come?"

"I couldn't find you. I feared the worse."

"Sorry," I husked.

"Oh, no." Hakkai looked down at me, green eyes grave. "I didn't mean for you to feel responsible for my fears; I thought you should know how worried I was when I couldn't find you, that's all. I want you to know my care for you is sincere."

It was such a nice thing for anyone to say to me, I couldn't help smiling. I felt like even Jien would just be relieved if somebody took me or killed me. I hugged Hakkai really tight, and his arms came around me automatically.

"You stay close from now on, little Gojyo," he said quietly. "There appear to be quite a few monsters in this town."

And then he stood up and took me by the hand and led me up the street, Jeep sitting on my shoulder, chirping and tugging at my hair.

 **Hakkai**

As we walked along, I pondered what we ought to do next. It was quite late now, and Jien was surely missing his brother, but the fact remained that Gojyo hadn't eaten dinner yet, and now he was rather battered as well. I decided it would be worth the extra time spent to make sure he looked presentable when I did finally return him to his brother, so we stopped by the inn where I'd been staying the last couple of nights.

Gojyo slunk along beside me as I led him up to my room, still clutching my hand, face half-hidden against my side, and I could feel him trembling.

It was a sick thing those officials had done, kidnapping him and scaring him over a crime he hadn't committed. My mind kept trying to think of a way to punish them for their actions, but I reminded myself that it would be much wiser to simply let it go.

Then again, who was to say they wouldn't try something similar again?

All my peace and bliss from earlier had evaporated now, and I was back to realizing the true difficulty of this situation.

 _I can't stay and protect him from every little thing, can I?_

Why not? It seemed like I certainly could.

The apartment was small but clean, and quite empty, aside from my pack, which I'd left sitting on my bed. Gojyo stood, glancing around with half-hearted interest as I retrieved my first aid kit and fetched some warm water.

"You decided to rent a place after all, huh?" he asked, voice shuddering a little.

"Well, I got rather tired of camping, and since I don't seem to be leaving as promptly as I'd intended, I thought it only sensible."

Jeep settled down on my bed, and I seated Gojyo there as well, cleaning his face with a cloth I'd tied around my wrist earlier in the day for just such an emergency, and he sat perfectly still, watching me intently, though he was still shaking violently.

"You're very brave," I told him gently, sponging blood off his forehead. "Don't you feel like crying?"

Gojyo hesitated a second, but he shook his head.

"Hm. I'm impressed by your fortitude then. I think if I were you I would want to cry for a good, long time."

He sniffed, clearly trying to act tough, "What for? It doesn't fix anything."

It was a cynical opinion, particularly for a child, but I knew my own roommate felt that way, and it seemed he had for a very long time. I wondered if it was even worthwhile to attempt to change his mind.

"No, that's true." I dabbed at the corner of his busted mouth. "But those men were frightening, and they were cruel, and they hurt you. It's all right for you to be scared or in pain, and people need to cry when they suffer. Sometimes it's the only way we know to express how terribly hurt we are inside, or how frustrated, or how angry. It's good to let that out sometimes." I paused to look him in the eyes.

Gojyo stared back at me with a note of sadness.

"If you always bottle up your fear and your anger, it can make you sick inside." I touched his chest where I could feel his small heart beating.

Suddenly, he leaned against me again, and his voice was muffled, "I bet you're never really scared."

"Nonsense. I'm often afraid. There's no shame in expressing it." I let him hide for a few moments before sitting him up again and looking him in the eyes. "Your life is hard, Gojyo-chan. It's all right if you can't be strong one hundred percent of the time."

He looked skeptically at me, but I'd finished cleaning his face, so I put the first aid kit away—it was proving to be invaluable in this situation—and I disposed of the water.

"Do you think you'll be able to eat?" I asked gently.

Gojyo nodded hesitantly, so I helped him to his feet, Jeep flew to my shoulder again, and I led the way down to the dining area.

Inside, the staff and patrons glared at my little friend, but I was in no mood to hear anything about how unwelcome he might be, and I walked directly to a booth near the back of the room where we could enjoy some privacy, not waiting for the hostess to greet us. The waiter brought us two glasses of water without speaking to us.

"Do you know what you want to eat?" I asked, still keeping my voice even and gentle.

He shook his head. "Just…pick somethin' for me, 'kay?"

"Very well." I perused the menu, and he sat there, arms wrapped around himself, smoking quietly. When I'd chosen a decent meal for him, I sat back as well and gathered him close against me, feeling his body shivering against mine, and I knew it would take him some time to compose himself. I toyed with the idea of keeping him with me tonight, not only to prevent another unpleasant encounter with his mother, but also to comfort him until he felt safe again.

"What if they come back?" he asked in a while.

"Oh, I rather doubt they'll bother you again. Still, if they do turn out to be that foolish, I'll make sure they don't live to regret it." I smiled at him, but Gojyo looked uncertain.

"You're not gonna be in this town forever," he whispered.

"No," I agreed, equally quiet, and again I pondered the idea of killing those three men simply so they wouldn't have future opportunities to harass him. In doing so though, I struck upon the realization that I was partially to blame for what had happened. Perhaps if I hadn't trounced Raeki so soundly he wouldn't have felt inclined to report his loss to the authorities.

 _I really shouldn't be meddling,_ I told myself. Yet, the longer I was around him, the more compelled I felt to take him back home with me. It might be difficult to explain to my roommate, as well as to his small counterpart, but it felt justified.

The waiter returned to take our order, so I put my thoughts on hold to speak with him.

When he'd gone, Gojyo asked, "How long are you gonna be here, Hakkai? Do you know yet?"

"I'm afraid I still haven't decided."

For a long, long time, he was quiet, staring into space, neglecting his cigarette until half an inch of ash hung precariously off its end. When he finally spoke again, his voice was quieter than ever, and very shy. "You…could stay here… It's not a bad place. I bet everyone would really like you. You could probably get a job as a teacher."

"Probably," I echoed.

"It's just…I really like you. I…I don't want you to leave."

I tightened my arm around him and felt him latch onto my shirt. I didn't want to leave him either, but I knew better than to make any promises.

Still, with every moment that passed, I was growing to love the little fellow more and more, and the very thought of abandoning him seemed unbearable to me.

There must be some way to help him, and I was determined to find it.

 **Jien**

I stared anxiously at the clock on the wall. It was almost ten thirty now, but when I turned to the window, I saw no sign of him. He always met me after work at eight o'clock, but today, even though I'd hung around waiting for him, he never showed up. Eventually, I headed home, assuming he must be here. He wasn't though, and that left me feeling scared.

I drummed my fingers against the wall, mind racing with all the things that could have gone wrong.

Behind me, Mom sighed, "Jien, sweetie, come away from the window. What are you looking for?"

I didn't answer. Either she realized my brother was missing and was acting like I shouldn't care, or she was so crazy she'd completely forgotten about him after not seeing him for a few hours. I felt like asking her when she'd seen him last and if he might have said anything about where he was going, but I was scared of what she'd tell me.

For one thing, it was terrifyingly possible in my mind that she got rid of him somehow.

"Sweetie," she tried again. "Come sit down. You haven't even touched your dinner."

It was stupid, I realized to stand there wondering where my brother was when she might already know.

"Mom," I asked quietly. "Have you seen Gojyo?"

There was a short pause, and I held my breath.

At last, she demanded, _"Him?_ You're worried about _him_?"

"Yes. He's my little brother." I tried to sound as calm and collected as possible, but the fear in me raced. Even if she hadn't done anything to him, she might go ballistic at the thought of me worrying over him.

She sniffed. "No. I have no idea where the little wretch went, but I'm counting the seconds he's away, believe me." She hesitated again, as if thinking about it, and then I heard her stand up and slip across the room. The next thing I knew, her hands were gripping my shoulders, and her mouth hissed close to my ear. "Stop worrying and come sit down. If we're lucky, he'll never come back, and there's no sense in working yourself up."

I turned to her, disbelievingly. I didn't know why it should shock me to hear her talk that way, but it still did. I could barely understand how much she hated him. "Something might have happened to him," I protested.

"I doubt we're that lucky."

She might be kinda right. Most people in town didn't really like Gojyo, but they wouldn't necessarily do anything to him either. Nothing really bad anyway.

Still, I reminded myself that all it took was that handful of sick individuals who _would_ do something to him, and not just because he was a hanyou, but because he was a kid, and they thought they could get away with it. All it took was one psycho fuck to see my brother playing in the woods by himself and get a messed up idea.

My mind kept going back to that Hakkai guy. I told him to stay away, and so far I hadn't seen him again. For all I knew, he left town. But today was the first day Gojyo even left the house since his head injury. I took a couple days off to look after him, and I'd kept him upstairs for the most part, away from Mom, but last night he was practically begging me not to keep him home for one more day. He acted like he had something important to do, but he wouldn't tell me what.

Maybe he was just so glad not to be cooped up anymore he wandered too far from home and was late coming back.

Or maybe he went and found that Hakkai guy, and the son of a bitch took him, or worse. For all I knew, he'd been biding his time, waiting for Gojyo to show up so he could do whatever he wanted with him.

"Mom," I tried again, stomach doing back flips. "When was the last time you saw him?"

"I have no idea," she replied carelessly, letting go of me to light a cigarette.

"Did he say anything before he left?"

"Not to me."

I shouldn't be surprised she was being completely unhelpful, but I still felt frustrated. Why was it all my responsibility to raise and look after that kid? Couldn't she help me even just a little?

Mom sighed and grabbed my hand, pulling me gently toward the table. "Come on, sweetheart, don't worry. He'll come back. He always does."

Absently, I followed her, and I decided if he wasn't back in ten minutes I'd go look for him. I picked at my meal, but it was already cold.

It seemed I'd only just sat down when somebody knocked on the front door, a firm but polite rap of knuckles.

Mom and I both stared at the door, and my stomach twisted so bad I gagged. Nobody came knocking on our door, never mind how late it was. Most people were probably scared of what they'd find here, so social calls were out of the question. All I could think was that it must be about Gojyo. Someone found Gojyo face down in a gutter somewhere, and they'd actually had the decency to come tell us about it.

The knocking came again.

I looked at Mom, but she continued to stare steadily at the door. "Aren't you going to get that?" she asked serenely.

My heart raced and my vision spun. I didn't think I could even get to my feet I was so scared to find out who was on the other side of that door and what they wanted.

 _My brother can't be dead… Not after everything we've been through…_

If he had gone out and gotten killed, I didn't even know what I'd do.

At last, Mom sighed deeply, wrapped her shawl tighter around herself, and crossed the room with a sullen, "Fine. I'll get it."

I stayed absolutely still as she opened the door and said coldly, "Yes? What is it?"

"Ah, good evening, oneesan. I apologize for bothering you so late."

That familiarly flawless keigo made my hair stand on end. What was _he_ doing here?

I jumped up and rushed in behind Mom to look through the half-opened door. Hakkai stood on the front step, holding Gojyo's hand. My little brother's face was more bruised than usual, and his lips were swollen and busted. His face was pale, and he looked scared to death.

"Gojyo!" I blurted. "What happened?"

I reached for him, but Hakkai tightened his grip; he had no intentions of handing Gojyo over right then. His eyes stayed fixed on Mom, and his mouth smiled, but there a haunting darkness veiled his green eyes.

"Who are you?" Mom asked frigidly.

"My name is Cho Hakkai. I'm a friend of your son's."

She glanced questioningly at me and her tone softened. "Of Jien's?"

"Ah, no, excuse my vagueness. _This_ son. You do claim him as yours, don't you?"

Mom hesitated for a split second.

Hakkai went on. "Or perhaps I've come to the wrong house."

"He isn't mine," she sniffed. "Does he _look_ like mine?" She glared disgustedly at Gojyo, and he shrank back.

"Well, that's a good question." Hakkai took a long look at Gojyo, still smiling brightly. "No, you're right. He looks nothing like you. That's a stroke of luck, in any case."

"Excuse me?" Mom snapped.

The asshole grinned at her. What was he doing? "I only meant you're terribly beautiful, oneesan. Much more beautiful than I had imagined based on the descriptions I've heard of you. And you're quite young to have children, aren't you? I'm surprised you know what to do with them."

Mom's spine stiffened, and I knew she had no idea what to say. I didn't either.

Hakkai waited politely for her response. Gojyo looked like he wanted to hide.

At last, Mom stammered, "Well…I…"

"Of course, Gojyo is a fine-looking young man, wouldn't you agree? He must have gotten his good looks elsewhere."

Mom's eyes flashed, and her voice turned hard. "What exactly do you mean, showing up at my door and insulting me? Just who in the hell _are_ you?"

Hakkai stayed absolutely cool, and his smile brightened. "As I said, my name is Cho Hakkai, and I'm a friend of Gojyo's. I didn't mean to insult you, oneesan, but you asked me a question, and now I've answered it. He doesn't appear to be yours by any physical evidence, and yet you still haven't answered _me_. Are you going to claim him?"

I really hated him right then. What was he thinking, making her mad? He acted before like he understood the situation, but if he showed up here and pissed Mom off he couldn't _really_ understand what she was like.

Mom scowled. "You're a _friend_ of his? Aren't you a little old to make friends with children?"

Hakkai laughed. _Laughed_ , of all things. "Come now, oneesan, you can't truly mean that. Jien said something similar though." He smiled at me next. "Is it really so odd to the two of you, the idea of being kind to a child?"

"You bastard," I grated out. "You—"

Mom cut across me, "That little monster isn't a _child_ , Hakkai-san. I thought that was fairly obvious." She wrinkled her nose at Gojyo. "Didn't you tell him, you little freak?"

Gojyo squeaked something out that sounded a lot like, "Sorry!"

Hakkai's smile still didn't falter, but the darkness in his eyes intensified, making my hair stand on end. "Don't apologize, Gojyo-chan. You're not responsible for the faulty perceptions of other people."

His expression must have put Mom off too, because she didn't say anything.

Gojyo hissed, "Hakkai…" He probably didn't know what to say either. No one seemed to. In our house, no one spoke to Mom like that—if anyone did, she'd fly off the handle and take it out on Goj.

Fury swelled in me. Didn't this asshole have any idea what he was doing?

"Well," Hakkai continued when it was clear no one would speak. "You still haven't confirmed or denied whether you'd like him back. What's more, I find it strange you haven't expressed concern over his condition, or asked where he's been. Though, I'm starting to see why."

"Hakkai," Gojyo tried again, tugging Hakkai's arm. "Stop."

He just smiled down at him, just as serenely and gently as could be. "What's the matter? I'm merely making polite conversation with your mother."

Gojyo frowned and shot Mom a wary glance.

"You're supposed to be his friend," Mom snarked suddenly. "Why'd you beat him up?"

Hakkai's answer was smooth as cream and cold as ice. "You're supposed to be his mother. Why do _you_ beat him up?"

Her ruby mouth fell open, and her face turned waxy.

Gojyo tried to scramble away, but Hakkai held him tightly, still smiling like an angel.

Next, he looked at me, and I got the full scope of the darkness in his eyes. "Well then, Jien-san. Do you want your brother back, or shall I keep him and make him _my_ brother?"

"Yes, dick," I husked, so furious I could hardly speak. "Yes, I want my brother. Give me my goddamn brother."

Hakkai chuckled, but instead of handing Gojyo over, he turned to him and lifted his chin. "All right, Gojyo-chan. You're safe back home."

Gojyo's face was white as a sheet, and he was shaking. This guy had scared the fuck out of him.

"Be good, won't you?"

"Don't leave me with her," Gojyo whispered, almost inaudibly.

At last, Hakkai's smile drooped, and he hesitated. He crouched down and wrapped my brother in a fierce hug, and Gojyo clung to him for all he was worth.

My heart sank at the sight. Hakkai was a dick, but Gojyo obviously trusted him without question.

I heard Hakkai whisper back, "You'll be all right. Jien will do everything in his power to protect you, won't he? And you know where to find me."

Still, Gojyo clenched fistfuls of his jacket like he'd never let go again.

"I'll come and visit you tomorrow."

At last, Hakkai pried him off and stood up again; he took the mini dragon from his shoulder and placed him on Gojyo's instead. "Look after him for me."

One more time he turned to Mom, smiling again. His eyes looked almost black, and I realized he was looking at her with pure hatred. "It was very nice to meet you, oneesan.

Mom gaped at him. Her limbs were stiff and her fists were clenched. I recognized the desire to strike in her stance, and I knew I had to get Gojyo away from her as fast as I could, but Hakkai still hadn't let him go.

Instead, he leaned in and clasped her hand between both of his, his teeth like ice. I heard him murmur, "If you touch him tonight, I promise you won't live to see tomorrow."

Mom drew back, wrenching out of his grip, shaking from head to toe.

I surged forward and grabbed Gojyo by the arm, shouting, "Get the hell out of here, you sonnova bitch! Get the fuck away from our house, and don't you dare come back!"

"I'll be back," Hakkai assured me calmly. "First thing tomorrow. And I don't make idle threats."

"Fuck you!" I screamed, and slammed the door in his face. The last glimpse I got of his expression was terrifying. The smile had vanished and his eyes were like a demon's, curdling the very blood in my veins.

As soon as the door was closed, I scooped Gojyo up and stepped back out of Mom's reach.

Her face was livid as she turned on us, lips trembling with rage.

"Mom," Gojyo gasped. "Mom, I'm sorry, I-I didn't know he would…"

"Some friend you've made," she sneered. "He'll probably come back and kill us all in our sleep."

"No, no he won't."

"He's dangerous," she insisted. Her eyes filled with tears. "He threatened me! He threatened Jien!"

"Mom…he's not…"

"If he isn't a killer, he's a pervert," she went on icily. "Obviously there's something wrong with him."

Gojyo just shook his head. "He's always nice to me."

"Because he wants to fuck you," she shouted. "He's just waiting for an opportunity to cram his dick into you."

Gojyo hiccupped and shuddered. "H-hakkai would never—"

"That's all your kind is good for!" She took a step forward.

I took one back.

On Gojyo's shoulder, the white dragon hissed and thrashed his tail back and forth.

"You bring that child-molesting killer to our house, and now he's going to murder us all!"

"Mom, calm down," I pleaded. "Nothing's gonna happen. I'll protect you."

Suddenly, she burst into tears and ran to the wall, burying her face against her arms. "Oh, Jien, Jien! How could this happen? He can't! He can't take my baby away from me! I won't let him. I won't! I won't!" She slumped to the floor and hung her head, tearing at her own hair and wailing.

"C'mon, Mom," I tried again, but my throat was tight. "It'll be all right. I won't let that asshole do anything to you."

It was too late though. Damn that fucking Hakkai for showing up here and upsetting her when she was in such a calm mood. Did he do that on purpose?

He was so goddamn smart… Of course he did.

Didn't he know what she'd do to Gojyo when she was this upset?

No. I wouldn't let her do anything to Gojyo. I'd calm her down, and he'd be okay. I had to hurry though.

I turned away to take him upstairs. If I didn't act fast, things would spin out of control. I couldn't believe he did this shit on purpose. He put my brother in a dangerous position just because he had to be a smart ass.

And that death threat…

My stomach did another flop as I thought about the expression I'd seen on his face as I closed the door. He really meant that. He really intended to kill Mom if she hit Gojyo tonight. That must be why he left his dragon too. The thing seemed smart enough to go find him if there was trouble.

It was all up to me to keep any of that from happening, and the very idea of what I had to do next made me sick to my stomach.

In Gojyo's room, I put him to bed as quickly as I could. I heard Mom wailing like a banshee downstairs, and I knew I had to get back to her before she turned completely hysterical, but I took a second to sit down with my brother and look him over. "Are you okay?" I asked tightly.

He just nodded and wouldn't look at me.

"Did that guy hit you?"

"No," he said flatly. "Some cops did."

" _Cops_?"

Another nod. "Hakkai wouldn't hurt me," he mumbled. "He cares about me."

"Not from what I just saw."

Gojyo rolled over, pulling the blankets up around his shoulders. The dragon creature draped itself over him, like it was going to protect him.

Downstairs, Mom was bawling and screaming my name.

"Do you want anything?" I asked hurriedly. "Water? Are you hungry?"

"I'm okay."

I hated to send him to bed without dinner, but this was a crisis situation.

"Okay. You stay here, okay? Don't leave your room for anything."

He didn't answer.

"Goodnight, little brother."

"Night, Jien," he muttered into the pillow.

With that, I turned off the light and shut the door firmly. My heart fluttered as I dashed down the stairs. I went to Mom and lifted her up, took her in my arms, and kissed her until she stopped crying, and then I carried her up to bed.

 **Hakkai**

I shouldn't have done that, I told myself as I took a seat under the tree in the Sha family's yard. Obviously, it wasn't my intention to do that. I'd fully intended to peacefully return Gojyo to his home, perhaps explain our encounter with the authorities to Jien, and then return to my room at the inn.

The trouble was, I hadn't expected her to answer the door, and when I was suddenly standing face to face with that monstrous woman, I'd lost control of my tongue. Every second spent in her presence had made me a little angrier as I reflected on what I knew about her.

My roommate hadn't gone to extensive lengths to describe his childhood, but he'd said enough for me to bear ill-will toward his mother, and a bit toward his brother as well. Meeting them face to face though was something different entirely.

Simply put, staring into the eyes of the woman I knew would make an attempt on my best friend's life was enraging, and frustrating, because she hadn't gone through with it yet, and it wasn't as if I could confront her over it. Still, when I saw her, I felt that powerful urge to destroy her, to prevent that heinous crime from ever happening, to protect him from something he didn't even know was coming. He was such a little lamb at this stage in life, and he received nothing but harassment and hatred from every side, and yet he so wanted her love. I saw as much in the way he looked at her. The fact that she would exploit that and destroy that hope for affection in the not so far-off future made me angrier than I could express, and I'd found it utterly impossible to be civil to her.

Now though, I'd put him at risk. I'd goaded her into a rage, and I'd threatened her life—I could hardly believe those words had passed through my lips—and even now, when I glanced toward the house, I could hear her screaming and crying hysterically. Her distress brought a slight sense of achievement and satisfaction to me, but I was afraid of what it meant for my little friend.

Hopefully Jien would be able to protect him, but I'd put him in a terrible position as well, and I hadn't meant to.

Neither of them deserved such atrocities to befall them, and I thought perhaps I should have simply taken Gojyo back to my motel, but Jien wouldn't have allowed that, I felt certain. He was suspicious of me already, and he certainly wouldn't approve of my taking his beloved little brother with me to a motel.

No, the only thing I could do at this point was to stay close and keep a vigil, and that way, if things did get out of control, I'd be close enough to intervene. Jeep would be helpful in that also. He'd be able to warn me of any trouble, or at least hold her off until I arrived. And then of course, I'd have to make good on my promise.

I meant every word though. If she hurt him, I would murder her, and then I'd have no choice but to run back to my machine and leave the Sha brothers to fend for themselves.

 _At least that would put an end to this madness,_ I thought.

Inside, the wailing died down and stopped. I watched as the lights downstairs went out, and then the house was still.

I listened a while longer, but soon it became apparent that the chaos had ceased entirely, and as best I could tell Gojyo was safe, so I leaned back against the tree and closed my eyes, drawing my jacket tighter around me. At least it was a warm, summer's night.

Tomorrow, I'd take Gojyo away from here as early as I could, and I'd keep him away from this place all day. To hell with what Jien thought. Even he had to think Gojyo being with me was better than him staying home with her all day.

The longer this continued, the more tempted I was to take him back to the future with me, and the less important the consequences seemed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Present Gojyo**

For days and days I waited. I went through the motions of my life like everything was normal, lying around, eating, watching TV, drinking to put myself to sleep. I couldn't bring myself to go out though, because I wanted to be there when Hakkai got back. I wanted to yell at him for leaving me.

That wasn't right, maybe. I'd told myself I didn't have any right to be angry with him for this, but the longer I waited the more I realized what a shitty thing this was for him to do to me.

It was just that he'd _promised_ he wouldn't, and after all the time we'd lived and fought together, the closer we'd gotten, with all the times he'd proven to me that I was more to him than just some guy he had to put up with, that I was really his best friend… Yeah. I'd started to believe he wouldn't just up and take off someday the way Banri used to.

And still, I'd always known that Hakkai was living like this because he didn't have much choice, and being close with me was just an unexpected perk of a life he had never really wanted and never would have chosen. I'd known that if something better came along, he'd probably take it. Who wouldn't? If I found something better, yeah, I'd go for it too.

But thinking of something better than my life with Hakkai was hard. These days, I'd given up on finding Jien, but even if I did, I'd never ditch Hakkai to go be with my brother.

Life with Hakkai, doing shit for Sanzo, and having something at least kind of normal, was far from perfect, but I still remembered what it was like before I found him dying in the road. It had been so hopeless and lonely. It was more than just my choices that made it that way, it was part of my fate because of the way I was. Not everyone was going to care enough to nag at me and watch my back and try to get me to live up to whatever potential Hakkai saw in me. People who'd even see potential or value in me in the first place were so few and far between, it wasn't like I could just go out one night and find a great replacement for Hakkai. He was the best friend I'd ever had—he was the best friend I was ever _going_ to have. I didn't think for a second I'd ever find something to compare, and without him, I was back to just trying to accept things, keep my expectations low, and try to get by.

So why the fuck would he do this to me? Why go to the trouble of promising he wouldn't do exactly this if he was just going to go back on it someday? Sure, I never thought time travel was in the realm of possibilities, and he didn't either, even knowing everything he did, but that didn't make this okay. I couldn't let it slide.

I didn't know how not to let it slide. I couldn't go after him. At least if he packed a bag one day and walked away, found a new place to live and made a new life I could have chased him. I could have gone with him. But like this, knowing where he'd gone, knowing I couldn't follow even if I wanted to… There wasn't anything to do _but_ let it slide and try to accept it. It hurt like hell, waking up every day to find that he was still missing, trying not to let myself fall into the despair that he'd never come back, trying my damndest to think he _would_ see me later, like the note said. It hurt so much to think he was in the past now, with Kanan, having a great time, not thinking about me at all.

I was naturally optimistic. Optimistic to an idiotic degree even. If I weren't, I would have died a long, long time ago. Even with all that power of positive thought though, getting through day after day, facing the fact that he really was gone and probably not coming back, was hard and painful.

Drinking a lot was the only thing I could do to numb the pain, and I felt like I was on a fast-track to alcoholism, but I didn't know any other way to drown out how angry and abandoned all this made me feel.

After a few days, Sanzo showed up. I knew he would, but I wasn't ready for it.

He barged into my house without knocking one afternoon, when Hakkai had been gone for days and days, and I was half-drunk, lying on the couch, trying not to think and killing a bottle of whiskey by myself.

Sanzo stood over me, looking furious. "What the fuck is going on?" he demanded.

"What a great question," I grumbled. "What'a absolutely fantastic fucking question. You won't even believe it, dude."

"Are you drunk?" He wrinkled his nose at the bottle of Jack in my hand.

"Maybe." I took a long swig.

"Gojyo, it's the middle of the day."

"I'm twenty-fucking-two, Sanzo. I can be day drunk if I wanna."

"Even you aren't _that_ fucked up. What the hell is going on?"

Sighing, I sat up and scraped the hair away from my face, looking slowly around the room. "Where's Goku? Is he…okay?"

His forehead wrinkled. "Of course. He's fine. I left him at home."

"Why? Did'ja think you'd find out we both went crazy?"

For a moment, he stared at me, trying to figure that out. "What are you talking about, kappa? Why would I think anybody went crazy?"

I shrugged. I wondered how much he knew about the little project he put us on. "So. What'dya want?"

"I want to know what the _fuck_ is going on. Like I've said. Several times now."

"Well…" I got up, swaying dangerously as I made my way around the couch and into the kitchen. "Le's see… Um. I foun' your scientist. She wasn't much help, other'n ta tell me the youkai scientists went nuts and ate their friends."

His eyes popped. It was a pretty funny expression on his normally serious face, and I couldn't help laughing.

"Is there something _funny_ about that, Gojyo? You're telling me the youkai scientists working in that facility are responsible for that mess."

"Unh-huh, sure are, boss. I headed down ta Kotogara, like ya wanted. Found Willis. She's hot, but damn, she was mean as fuck to me."

"How tragic," he sniffed. "I'm guessing you didn't get laid then, so I'm hoping you did something productive while you were there."

"Wasn't much I could do. Like I said, she tol' me 'bout the scientists, but she didn't know much about it. Kin'a a dead end, in the…end… Or wha'ever."

Suddenly, he snagged the bottle and ripped it out of my hands. I couldn't even think to stop him, and I just stood there, blinking and swaying and struggling to light my cigarette.

"Did you go by yourself?" he demanded.

"Yep." I sighed. "Bad idea. You were right. Shouldn'ta…"

His eyes narrowed. "I can't trust you worth a piss, can I? Why the fuck would you do that? You could have gotten killed."

"Dunno." I threw my arms up. "Like I said, it was a bad idea. An' yeah, I _did_ almos' get killed, but know what? It don't matter, 'cause the smart guy's AWOL an'way, an' chances are I woulda had ta go by myself no matter what I did. So there's that."

"AWOL?" He took a careful look around the house. "What are you talking about? Where's Hakkai?"

"Oh, yeah." I laughed and stumbled against the fridge. "Tha's the best fuckin' part, boss! A real good punch line. You ready for this shit? He went back in time!"

Shaking his head, Sanzo scowled. "Gojyo. Go the fuck to bed. You're drunk, and you're talking crazy."

"No, really! 'Member the time machine I was s'posed ta talk him outta building? Well, I failed, right?"

"I remember," he grumbled. "But I'm guessing you didn't try too hard."

"Wha was I s'posed ta do? It's Hakkai. Hakkai doesn't fuckin' listen to me. Come ta think of it, he wouldn't even listen ta _you_ , boss."

"Stop calling me that," he snapped suddenly. "Quit being such an idiot and tell me something that makes sense."

"Aren't you listening? I tol' ya. I couldn't talk him outta the time machine idea—by the way, _tha's_ a bad idea. Even _I_ think so, an' I'm like…the bad idea machine. Don't know if I've ever had a good idea in my whole fuckin' life." I kicked the chair nearest to me, and it flew across the room.

Sanzo was unfazed. "You're right for once. That is a bad idea. How do you know that's where he went?"

"Well, le's see, Sanzo… Firs' of all, there's this fuckin' note." I snagged it off the table and shoved it in his face, and he took his time reading it, like it said anything more than see you later.

"This could mean he went to buy eggs, for all you know."

"Does it take a week an' a half ta buy eggs? I don't know—I don't norm'ly buy them."

His eyes widened again. "You're telling me he's been gone that long?"

"Hellooooo, Sanzo," I sneered. "Are you _sure_ I'm the one's drunk? You're actin' pretty dumb."

"Gojyo." His face darkened. "Don't even—"

"So! It's been, like, week'n a half, or somethin', an' his stupid time machine's gone—if you can explain how he got _that_ outta here without actually usin' it, I'd love ta hear. It wouldn't fit in the Jeep. An'…" I shrugged. "An' I dunno. That's it, I guess. Maybe he went back in time, maybe he went int' the fuckin' future, but…wha'ever. He's gone. He used his damn time machine. Maybe he's like scrambled eggs between dimensions… Maybe he's dead some time… Wherever he is, he ain't 'round here—if he was, he woulda come back by now. I guess. Maybe. I think. I dunno." I crashed into the chair and sank down into it. "I mean…why else would he bail on me?"

"I can think of a lot of reasons to bail on your ass."

I laughed. "Yeah, yeah, so can I. Fair 'nough."

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "So let me see if I've got this straight. You went to Kotogara like you were supposed to, found the scientist, came back here, Hakkai left—"

"Nah, man, nah, ya got it all wrong. He was already gone when I got back."

"Fine," he hissed impatiently. "He left while you were gone then, and for almost two weeks you've not seen or heard from him at all."

"You got it straight. Seriously though. Where the hell else would he go? Why? I mean, _you_ gotta lotta reasons you'd bail on me, an' I get that, an' that's cool—doesn't hurt my fuckin' feelings 'cause I don't like ya either—buut Hakkai…" I looked away suddenly, trying not to let him see how much it bothered me. "Hakkai…said…he wouldn't…"

For a long time, Sanzo was quiet. It started to drive me crazy, the silence, and the ticking of the clock, and the god-damned birds tweeting outside. Eventually, I growled, "Say somethin'."

"What do you _want_ me to say, Gojyo? I have no idea why."

"Look, I get it. If I had ta choose between me an' a sexy babe, I'd choose the babe. He wants Kanan—Kanan's all he ever wanted—makes sense. But…" I leaned my spinning head against the heel of my hand. "I dunno. Am I dumb…thinkin' he'd come back at some point?"

Sanzo didn't answer.

I sat up again, rubbing at a weird stain on the collar of my shirt. "Maybe I missed somethin'."

"Maybe you did…" Sanzo agreed quietly.

"Pffft. Fuck. You are so _not_ the friend I need righ' now."

"I'm not your friend at all."

"'xactly." I nodded approvingly. "See wha' I mean?"

Sanzo looked down at the note in his hand, and then tossed it back to the table. "You're obviously not in any state to figure _anything_ out, but for the hell of it, what do you think you might have missed?"

"I dunno, dude." I gave up on the stain. It looked like blood, and it wasn't coming off. "Maybe I was jus' so sick of it all…when he said he wouldn' do this, I jus' believed him. Maybe I didn't wanna think 'bout how one-sided it was."

He snorted, "That's all well and good, but it wasn't one-sided."

I looked up at him again, trying to hide my surprise. "No…"

"Look around, idiot." He gestured to my house. "Not just everyone would waltz around here, day in and day out, cleaning up after you and feeding you like the drooling SPED student you are, smiling and swallowing how badly he must have wanted to bust your teeth in almost every day. _Most_ people would have been sick of your bullshit after a couple days and bailed a long, long time ago. And believe me, you annoy the living fuck out of Hakkai—you must know that—but even _he's_ not so broken and fucked up that he couldn't have taken off way before now. I offered to let him crash at the temple, but he acted like he'd rather be here, in this shit hole." He looked seriously at me. "Why do _you_ think he did all that?"

"I have no idea."

"Really? You don't have _any_ idea? Because the major difference between here and Keiun is that you're _here_."

"Maybe he didn't wanna be around your monks."

"Maybe," he agreed with a sigh. "But think about it. Really _try_ to think about it. Why in the hell would anybody pass up an opportunity to live in a beautiful temple, free of charge, with monks running around taking care of everything, enjoy some peace and quiet, and get back on their feet just to come _here_ and try to keep a stupid dick like you from drinking himself into an early grave, cook, clean, and sit up worrying himself sick most nights? You'd have to be brain dead to think any of your guys' shit is one-sided."

"Right," I snorted. "Or maybe he just did all that 'cause I saved him."

"Yeah, well, there you go again, not thinking. He's saved _your_ ass at least a million times by now. You're beyond even—you owe _him._ "

"Doesn't mean he wouldn't take off an' never come back."

He gave an aggravated sigh. "This is getting us nowhere. Did you figure out _anything_ useful at all from the scientist?"

"Willis? Nah, man. Jus' that shit I tol' ya."

"Nothing else to follow up on at all?"

I shook my head.

He grumbled something under his breath that I couldn't make out, and then said, "Just as well. Hakkai's away, and you're all fucked up about nothing. It's probably best if you just stay put until he gets back."

"I thought this was an 'mergency."

"It _is_ an emergency. That doesn't mean I'm sending you to get killed. Come see me when he gets back."

I toyed with the note on the table. "Righ'. If he comes back at all."

"He's coming back, Gojyo," he said impatiently. "Hakkai knows you'd be fucked without him, and I would be shocked if he just walked out on you, whether it has to do with Kanan or not. He just has to learn the hard way that you can't always get what you want."

"Like the song."

"Yes. Like the song." He shook his head. "I don't have any more time for this."

He headed for the door, grumbling as he passed me, "Don't do anything stupid. He will be _so_ mad at me if you go off and die while he's away."

 **Past Gojyo**

Jeep was still with me when I woke up. He'd curled on my pillow with his nose resting against mine, and I heard him snoring lightly.

For a long, long time, I lay in bed, staring at the scored, dirty wall next to me, and thinking about last night. I was way too scared to get up. The house was really quiet, but I knew Mom would jump on me the second she saw me today; Hakkai made her so upset, and she thought it was my fault, and there was no way she wouldn't punish me for it. I snuggled deeper into my threadbare blankets, shivering and trying to go back to sleep. My head still hurt from getting the shit kicked out of me by the cops last night, and I never wanted to leave my room again.

Jien knocked on my door before too long, and I pulled the blankets up over my face as he came in. Jeep stirred and raised his head with a soft chirp.

"Come on, Gojyo," my brother said as he stood over me. "Get up."

"I don't wanna," I muttered.

"I know, but you hafta."

"I don't feel good."

He sank down on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong?"

"I dunno. I just don't feel good."

He pulled the blanket away from my face to press his hand against my forehead. "You feel okay. Is your stomach upset?"

I tried to make up my mind on what kind of lie to tell him.

Jien sighed. "Gojyo, I know how you must feel."

"You have no idea how I feel," I told him. There was no way Jien had ever been this scared or this unhappy in his life. First the cops beat the hell out of me, and then my only friend just left me here with her.

He made her so mad, and then he just took off. He said I'd be okay, but he didn't know that.

"Okay, you're right," Jien agreed. "I really don't know how it must feel to be you, and I'm sorry it's like this. But I gotta go to work, pal. I already missed those couple of days when you had a concussion, and I can't afford to miss any more, so I need you to get up, get dressed, go outside and play until I get home tonight."

"Why can't I just stay here all day?" I demanded tiredly, pulling the blankets up over my mouth and nose again, breathing in the smell of the fabric softener. "Out of sight, out of mind."

He took a few minutes to answer, and I knew he must feel bad for me. I hated that feeling.

"Goj, Mom's really upset still," he whispered. "I don't think I've ever seen her quite like this. I think you need to stay away from her as much as you can for a while."

Stupid Hakkai. Didn't he know what he'd done? No. Of course not. I didn't tell him enough for him to really understand how bad it was. He didn't realize that she was going to take it out on me anytime anything even kinda upset her, let alone something like what he did last night.

I wished he was here right now to protect me, but who knew if he was even still in town? I stroked Jeep's neck, thinking—hoping—he wouldn't have gone away without him.

Jien rubbed my shoulder. "C'mon, kiddo, please. For me?"

If I didn't do what he said, he'd have to worry about me all day. He might come home early, or even skip his lunch break to check on me, and I didn't want to make stuff any harder for him than it already was, so I got up slowly and found my shoes. "Okay, Jien," I sighed. "Whatever you say."

He told me to brush my teeth and wash my face because I had to skip it last night, and then to meet him downstairs. I took my time, even though he wanted me to hurry, and my heart started to pound again. I petted Jeep's soft ears to try and calm myself down, and he nibbled my fingers, but there was no way to really relax.

I ran down the stairs, thinking I'd shoot right out the front door without stopping, but Mom was standing in the middle of the living room, waiting for me, and I had to scramble to a stop before I got in her range. I froze there, staring up at her, ready to spring back up to my room at any sign of movement.

She glared down at me like I was a little insect, and Jien was right—I had never seen her so mad either. Her normally sad, teary eyes flashed with rage, and her red-painted lips were curled in a permanent snarl. She stood there with her arms folded, foot tapping, the way other moms did when their kids disobeyed, except she looked like she really wanted to beat the shit out of me. She didn't seem hurt or depressed, and her normally pale cheeks were flushed with anger.

"Well," she snapped. "Look who's up. I hope you slept well after all the chaos you caused in here last night."

I hadn't. I'd tossed and turned for hours, listening to Mom and Jien fuck down the hall, scared she'd burst in at any second and jump on me, starting at every little sound I heard.

It would make her mad if told her that though, and it would make her mad if I lied and said I slept great, so I stayed quiet and kept my eyes on her.

"Off to play with your psychopath again today?"

I wanted to tell her Hakkai wasn't a bad guy, but now I wasn't totally sure. I'd never forget the horrible look on his face when he'd threatened those cops last night. Even though I didn't hear what he whispered in Mom's ear last night, I'd seen that same awful expression, and he'd put her in a total panic. Why did he bother telling me not to start fights and go after people when he acted like that?

"You're a bigger idiot than I thought," Mom continued, "if you go looking for him. He's obviously dangerous."

It was the kind of thing a normal mom would say to her kid—stay away from that guy, he's dangerous—but I knew Mom didn't care what happened to me.

"Jien thinks he might be some kind of social worker." She leaned close to me. "So be careful what you tell him." Her eyes hardened, and I flinched back, fully expecting her to punch me in the face. Her body jerked like she really wanted to. Instead, she cupped my cheek in her hand. It was even warmer and softer than I imagined, and her voice fell to a whisper. "We'd be better off without you around, but if he takes you away you'll never see your precious Jien again."

I stared into her eyes, unable to look away.

"Just keep that in mind, and watch out what you blurt out to him tonight when he's fucking you bloody."

Suddenly, I felt angry too, and I couldn't explain why. I'd never felt angry at her before, I'd always just accepted what she said, but I didn't like hearing her tell me the only friend I'd ever managed to make was just using me, or that he was going to rape me or molest me or kill me when he got bored.

I shoved her hand off. "Hakkai isn't like that. He cares about me."

Mom frowned and straightened up again, staring at me like she could barely believe I'd talk back.

"I bet he wouldn't do anything to _you_ either if you didn't _hit_ me all the time."

Her mouth fell open.

I almost couldn't believe I'd said those words. Jien and me never talked back to Mom, whether she was right or wrong, or calm or crazy, we never tried to tell her what she was doing might be the problem. Until I met Hakkai, I had always accepted that it was my own fault she had to live this way, because I was born in the first place, but he acted like that was just ridiculous, and I guess I was starting to believe he could be right. After all, I didn't ask to be born like this.

"How dare you," she hissed, and I knew she'd hit me soon.

I stood my ground, even though I was starting to shake. "Anyway, I doubt he woulda' talked to anybody _else's_ mom like that."

"You son of a bitch… You little son of a bitch! I'll choke ever smart ass word you've ever thought right out of you!" She shrieked, rushing at me with her hands outstretched, like she wanted to break my neck.

I started to turn to run back upstairs, but Jien jumped between us out of nowhere and stopped Mom in her tracks, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Mom, mom! Calm down!"

She clawed at me, nails just brushing by my face, screaming so crazily I couldn't tell what she was saying. He held her back though, stroking her hair and whispering in her ear. I heard him say, "Remember what we talked about? You gotta control yourself as long as that guy's around."

Mom sobbed against his chest, and Jien looked over his shoulder at me. "Go outside and wait for me, Gojyo."

I stared at Mom, scared to even move.

" _Now_ , Gojyo."

Slowly, I slunk around her, trying to stay out of arm's reach, and then I ran for the door and burst out, panting and shaking so bad I thought I'd fall down. I sank onto the steps, Jeep nesting in my hair and crooning.

After a few minutes, the noise in the house died down, and then Jien appeared beside me. He frowned at me. "What did you say to her?"

I shook my head, lighting a cigarette.

"You've got to be careful," he scolded.

"Why? It doesn't matter what I do or say, she still hates me."

He paused to study me, and again I knew I was saying things I wouldn't normally dare voice out loud. At last he said, "That's no excuse to try and upset her, Gojyo."

I didn't bother telling him I hadn't been trying to upset her. I was just sticking up for myself. Maybe that was the same thing.

When I didn't answer, he pulled me to my feet, a little roughly. "Look, just stay away from her today, all right? Come meet me after work, and we'll walk home together, but don't come back here."

I nodded. More and more it seemed like I had to stay out of doors, away from home. I wondered what it would be like to be a normal kid, rotting my brain away in front of the TV all summer long.

"Stay away from Hakkai too, if you can, but if you _do_ see him, make sure he knows Mom didn't hit you last night so he doesn't come back and kill her."

I gaped up at him. Did he think that too? It was a little easier to believe when Jien said it, but I didn't know what to think really.

"He wouldn't do that," I said darkly. "Why do you guys think he'd do that?"

Jien raised his eyebrows at me. "Because he said he would, Gojyo."

Could that have been what he whispered to her? I didn't know what to believe. The Hakkai I saw last night when he saved me from the cops was scary, but that was different. They were assholes. Would he really kill Mom just because she knocked me around? It seemed like Hakkai was way too smart to do something like that. Thinking he could be a social worker was one thing, but a cold-blooded murderer?

My brother waited for me to answer before kneeling beside me, hand on my shoulder. "Look, bro, I know you trust him, and I can see why, but you've gotta promise me you'll be careful around him, all right? We don't know what he wants."

I had thought Hakkai just wanted to be my friend. What did I even have that he could use anyway?

Not knowing what else to do, I just nodded again, and Jien squeezed my shoulder with a quiet, "'Kay, I have to go now. You stay out of trouble."

"Bye," I mumbled, and then I just stood there staring into space as he walked away.

Mom and Jien both acted like Hakkai wanted something more from me. I could understand if he wanted to take me away from her, but he hadn't done it yet, and he didn't act like he was going to. What else was there? They both acted like it was weird for him to want to be friends with an eleven-year-old, and I guess if I thought about it, yeah, it was kinda strange. He was all grown up, and he was cool and smart, and he could make friends his own age. For the first time, I wondered why he'd chosen to be friends with me. In the beginning, I'd been way too excited to have a friend to worry much about his age. Now I wondered if it was possible he _did_ want something weird from me.

That idea was like a chunk of ice dropping into my stomach.

Jeep chirped loudly and flew off my shoulder.

Rubbing my aching head, I turned to follow him, but froze.

Hakkai was standing in the middle of our yard, up to his knees in weeds, just watching me. Up the road, Jien wasn't even out of sight yet.

We stared at each other a moment. He cracked a wan smile. "Good morning," he said, like it was just another day.

"Hey," I mumbled, watching as Jeep alighted on his shoulder and nipped at the cuffs Hakkai wore on his ear.

"How are you this morning?"

"I dunno. Okay."

He nodded and took a few steps closer. "I'm glad."

I felt my anger come back again, but I didn't want to just yell at him either, because then he'd leave. "Why did you do that?" I demanded. "Last night? Why did you make her mad?"

Hakkai paused in front of me, looking down at me with his head cocked to one side, but I couldn't read his expression. His eyes hardened. "Did she hurt you?"

"She didn't have to. She probably wouldn't have even thought about it if you hadn't…" I shook my head, not knowing what to make of what he did last night. "You don't piss my mom off, okay? _I'm_ the one she takes that shit out on."

"I know that, Gojyo," he said softly.

"You _know_? You don't _know,_ Hakkai! Fuck that. You have no idea!" I realized I was shouting, shot a quick glance back at the house, but she hadn't come out. I lowered my voice. "You have no idea. If you did, you wouldn't have done that."

Hakkai studied me, and then he nodded solemnly. "You're right, I don't understand the situation entirely."

I couldn't help yelling again. "You're goddamn right you don't! You shouldn't have said _any_ of that last night! What the fuck were you thinking?"

I thought for sure he'd lose patience and snap at me for talking to him like that, but he lowered his eyes, frowning. To my surprise, he murmured, "I'm sorry, Gojyo. You're right. I shouldn't have done any of that. I'm afraid I don't have an excuse to give you, other than it was very poor judgment on my part."

"Poor judgment." I threw my cigarette down. My eyes were burning, and I suddenly really felt like crying, but I wouldn't let that happen. Especially not in front of him. "That's all you have to say? It was poor judgment? It was a _shit_ idea, Hakkai! You made her really mad—I've never seen her so mad—and then you left! You just _left_! Even though I asked you not to, you left me here with her! You—"

I cut off suddenly and turned away. The tears were threatening to fill my eyes, and I had to stop them before it was too late.

"I thought you were my friend," I sniffed.

"I am your friend," he whispered.

"Not really. Not after what you did last night. I can't believe you left me here with her after you pissed her off so bad. What kinda friend does that?"

His arm came around me suddenly, tucking me close against his side, and I stiffened, not wanting him to touch me, not knowing how to stop him. His fingers eased through my hair. "Gojyo-chan, I didn't leave you. I was outside your house all night, watching your window. I hardly slept."

Blinking the tears back, I looked up at him without lifting my head.

He nodded in answer to a question I hadn't asked yet. "Of course I wouldn't have left you completely in that situation. It was a mess I created, and I couldn't exactly invite myself to stay the night on your couch, but Jien would never have let me take you away either. Staying outside in the yard was the best I could do, and of course, that's why I told Jeep to look after you."

"You told _Jeep_ to look after _me_?"

"Yes, of course. You were standing right there when I said it."

Jeep crooned his agreement. I guess he hadn't had a problem understanding that.

Hakkai continued to pet my hair. "I am sorry though. Obviously, I wouldn't want either of them to know I intended to sleep out under the oak tree, or else I would have told you myself that I wasn't going very far. I understand if it doesn't help you not feel angry with me, but nevertheless, I _was_ here all night. I would never have left you in such a precarious position without a thought to the ramifications."

I stared across the yard, out at the road, trying to decide if it did help. I guess it was better than him being gone completely, but I wished he would have let me know he was out here. "I was scared all fucking night," I told him. "I was _so_ scared."

His arm tightened around me. "I was watching over you."

I shook my head. "What's your deal?"

"My deal?"

"Yeah. You said you're not a social worker, right?"

"I don't think I act even remotely like a social worker, so even you can't think that."

"Fine. So what do you want? You're twenty-two years old, aren't you? What the hell do you want with me?"

"Nothing, I—"

"Mom and Jien act like you're gonna molest me or kill us if you keep hanging around."

Hakkai took a long, long time to answer. When he finally did, his voice was as gentle as the wind blowing through the grass, almost impossible to hear. "They told you that?"

"Yeah." I finally pulled away from him and lit another cigarette. "Yeah, they did. They both act like you're just using me for something, and they think that's what it is."

He muttered something under his breath that sounded a lot like, "Of all the ridiculous notions," and then he came around to stand in front of me again, but I wouldn't look at him. I still didn't want him to see how upset I was.

Hakkai waited a moment, and then he crouched down to be on my level, looking seriously into my eyes, but I stared at the ground. "You and I are friends, Gojyo. I don't want you to get hurt, and I would certainly never hurt you. I promise."

I studied my shoes, wondering if there was any way to figure out for sure if he was lying.

He touched my shoulder. "I know I made a mistake last night, and you have every right to be upset, but please don't doubt my sincerity when I say that I don't want anything to happen to you." He searched my eyes a moment longer before whispering, "Gojyo…I'm very sorry. Please forgive me."

At last, I blinked up at him. No one had ever asked my forgiveness before. Not even Jien.

He looked steadily back at me, and his green eyes were so sad I thought maybe _he_ was going to start crying. "I care very deeply about you, Gojyo-chan."

He said that last night, and I'd just believed him. It wasn't until this morning that I started to wonder if maybe it was a lie. I didn't want to think that though. I wanted to believe I had met someone who cared about me for real.

"I…I care about you too," I whispered back. "I just don't…" I shrugged, and the tears kept nagging at my eyes. I knew he said it was good to let them go, but I wasn't sure I knew how anymore. "People usually don't."

"I know, Little One," he murmured, all the more gently, touching my cheek, and I grasped his hand. "I do though."

"How come?"

Hakkai looked surprised by the question, but broke into a slow smile, and something secretive shone in his eyes; he didn't look dangerous to me though. He drew me closer to him, planting a strange kiss on the top of my head and murmuring into my hair, "Because we're friends, Gojyo."

I couldn't remember the last time anybody kissed me, and for a split second I was scared Jien and Mom were right about him, but they just couldn't be. I wound my arms around his neck and held on tightly, never wanting to let go.

In a minute, Hakkai stood up again, smiling. "Come along now. Let's go do something to put our minds at ease." And then he took my hand and led me away.

Once, I looked back at the house. I could just make out Mom's shadow, standing at the window, watching us leave, and it gave me a tight feeling in my gut.

But Hakkai took me far, far away from the house and out of our neighborhood, over to the park on the other side of town, and then out into the grass.

I looked around curiously. I didn't come to the park a lot because there were always bigger, older kids around who wanted to harass me. Today, they were all in school still, and the park was peaceful. Most of it was just a big plot of green, but there was a tiny playground area with a giant slide and monkey bars. Hakkai told me to play while he went and got breakfast. I was a little too big for most of the equipment, but there weren't a lot of opportunities for me to play like that, so I ran around and tried everything out, from the swing set to the zip line. No one else was around, other than a few old ladies who stared at me and whispered. They gave me such dirty looks, and I heard them mutter my dad's name, so I almost slunk away, but Hakkai came back right then. He spun me on the merry-go-round a few times, not seeming to notice the old biddies, and by the time I got off again, dizzy and laughing, they were gone.

After that, we sat down on one of the park benches and ate the breakfast burritos he'd gotten us. I noticed his was vegetarian, with onions and peppers, but mine was stuffed with eggs and bacon, just the way I would have ordered it myself. It wasn't the first time, I realized, he'd seemed to know exactly what I wanted without my asking. Not just with food, but with things like coming back just in time to shield me from the gossiping ladies. He was smart though. I thought he must just know what he needed to do most of the time.

Even after being so mad at him earlier, I couldn't stop thinking about how cool he was. Anyone who knew him must feel so lucky to have him around—he'd make a great big brother or a dad. He'd make his parents really proud. Girls probably loved him because he was always polite and he was good-looking. I thought about his roommate and wondered if that other hanyou had any idea how lucky he was to have someone like Hakkai as a friend. I knew I'd never get that lucky, not in a million years.

When the food was gone, we walked around the park a while—digesting, Hakkai said. I trotted here and there, but I didn't want to get too far away from him, so even when I was investigating the stream or I stopped to climb a tree, I always made sure I could see him.

It was dumb, I knew that. I was old enough to not need a babysitter. Still, I couldn't get over how safe it made me feel to have Hakkai around, and I couldn't help worrying that if I turned my back for a second he'd just disappear.

Finally, Hakkai called me back, and I thought we'd leave. Instead, he led me off to a secluded part of the park, a small clearing surrounded by trees, where no one would bother us. He took a few moments to straighten me up, rearranging my hair and my shirt, and then he said, "I thought we might go over some knife techniques," and pulled a couple blades out of his coat. One was the bowie knife he'd had the other day, long and wicked, the other was shorter though, and it didn't look as sharp. The steel was shiny and cheap.

That was the one he handed to me.

I grinned down at it. "Really? You mean that?"

He smiled back at me. "I don't see why not. You still want to learn, don't you?"

I nodded quickly, barely able to keep my excitement to myself. I wanted to jump around and swing the knife all over the place, but if I got too wound up he might take it away. I couldn't help twirling it back and forth though.

Hakkai watched me with a serious look.

"Do I get to keep this?"

He stared off into space suddenly, frowning, and stood really still. "Well…I don't know. That's a little…"

"I don't have to," I told him quickly. If he thought about it too much he might change his mind about sparring with me.

"I'll consider it," he decided, looking down at me again. "Now, do you remember what I taught you last time?"

Nodding, I adjusted my stance and held my hand to my throat, like he'd showed me, gripping the knife tightly.

"Not so stiff," he reminded me. "Loosen your grip a bit. You don't want it to fly out of your hand, of course, but you also want to make sure your movements can be smooth and precise. Just as with any fight, it's important to have as much control and fluidity as possible—ideally, you'll be able to strike first, disarm your opponent, and end the battle without bloodshed, but that takes quite a lot of technique, and it won't be simple to learn."

Squirming with impatience, I waited for him to finish talking, but he went on for a couple minutes, describing the techniques and telling me about the history of the style he was gonna teach me. I didn't see why he thought I needed to know that.

Without thinking, I stepped toward him, taking a quick swipe at him.

Hakkai barely paused from his lecture to knock the blow aside, and he rambled on for a couple more seconds before blinking to himself and staring down at me. "Did you just attack me?"

"Um." My face burned with embarrassment. Why did I do that? Now he definitely wouldn't teach me. "I just…"

He frowned and raised his eyebrows. "Ah, so you've just always been that way. I see."

"What'dya mean always?"

"Gojyo-chan," he said, crouching down to my level and pulling the knife out of my hand, gently. "You really should try to listen." He looked me in the eyes, like I'd feel like listening if we stared right at each other while he talked. "As I was saying, it's ideal to strike first and disarm one's opponent, if possible. However, it may not always _be_ possible, and at your age, anyone you come across is likely to best you. It's far more important to know your own limitations and to gage your opponent's abilities before you strike. Simply put, diving headfirst into a fight without thinking is an excellent way to get killed. Do you understand?"

I nodded, feeling dumb.

"Good then." He stood up again, still holding my knife, and went back to his lecture about techniques and history. He went on and on. I tried to pay attention, but I found myself looking around the park, staring at the other people, and the trees and grass. Nearby, Jeep chased a chipmunk around and around the branches of a spruce. I wondered if he'd eat it or if they were just playing.

"Now then," Hakkai said suddenly. "You've been at least partially educated in the finer points of knife fighting, and that should give you a bit of an advantage, assuming you do find yourself in a bout."

Quickly, I looked up at him, mouth falling open as I thought about asking him to repeat the whole thing.

Hakkai smiled at me pleasantly, like he knew I hadn't been paying a scrap of attention. He muttered, "Oh, Gojyo," and shook his head. And then he handed my knife back to me. "Let's begin, shall we?"

For a while, we sparred, but it wasn't the way I had pictured it going. It was slow. We circled around one another, trading off who was attacking and who was defending, taking fake swipes at each other from different angles, and knocking each other's attacks away.

"This's kinda boring," I said in a while. I remembered how he'd annihilated Raeki the other day and wondered why he couldn't teach me some of that instead.

Hakkai just laughed. "It's important to start with the basics and memorize the movements." He swiped toward my neck, and I pushed his wrist away, like he'd taught me. "If you practice enough, it won't matter what speed a man attacks with, your body will remember how to counter it."

"Yeah, but this's boring," I repeated, standing back instead of taking my turn to strike.

"Ah, of course, I wouldn't want to bore you," he laughed. "Please tell me what I can do to make this more entertaining for you? After all, we're already using real blades—that ought to be interesting enough."

"Mine's not really real." I glanced down at the shiny knife again. When I ran my thumb across the blade it felt almost like plastic.

"Here," Hakkai handed me his bowie knife suddenly, taking the shiny knife from me. "I have an idea. Why don't you show me what you've learned so far?"

The bowie knife felt heavy to me compared to the blade I'd just had, and the steel was darker. It was better balanced. "You mean…you want me to attack you?" I asked skeptically.

Hakkai shrugged. "That won't be boring at least, will it?"

Nodding, I shifted into my stance again and stared him down.

Hakkai stood casually, knife hanging at his side, smiling at me. "Remember to—"

I dove at him, taking a horizontal swipe. He was too tall to go for the neck, so I went for his stomach.

Hakkai caught my wrist in one hand as soon as I got within arm's reach of him and jerked me forward, smiling all the brighter. "Ah. I was going to say, remember to take into consideration whom you're fighting with. I'm considerably taller than you and have a longer reach. A direct attack may not be the way you want to go, in my case." He pushed me away.

What other kinds of attacks were there anyway?

I feinted left and dove in, pretending like I was going for his guts again, but stabbed at his face instead at the last second.

Hakkai knocked the blow away with his own knife, sending me stumbling backwards, and I fought to keep my balance.

"That was cleverer, in any case, but it still wasn't exactly the brightest thing you could have done." He smiled, and there was something freaky to it. "If I weren't your friend, I'd have killed you by this time."

My heart hammered, but I charged again, shouting this time. I struck again and again, but Hakkai dodged like he was made of water, and that eerie smile stuck to his face. In a second, I had to back off, panting.

He watched me. "Do you see why we begin with the basics? You haven't the faintest idea what you're doing."

Determined to get him this time, I threw myself at him. Hakkai shook his head and stepped forward to stop me again.

I switched the knife from one hand to another—it happened so easily and so quickly I didn't even know for sure how I'd done it—and I spun around, letting his hand slip by me. With an upward strike, I went for his knife hand, feeling the edge of the bowie knife cut across the outside of his forearm.

Jumping out of his reach, I stopped and stared at the blood dripping from his wrist. I actually hit him…

"I-I'm sorry," I stuttered. "I didn't mean to—"

Hakkai whipped around with cat-like quickness. Before I could finish speaking, he pounced on me, snagged my wrist, and twisted my knife hand around behind my back. He wrenched the blade out of my grip and released me.

I landed on my hands and knees at his feet, head spinning. It all happened so fast… I could barely believe how quickly he was able to move.

Shaking, I looked up at him, but he just smiled, twirling the bowie knife in one hand. "You might have won if you hadn't hesitated. If you're going to leap in without thinking, paying no attention to who it is you're fighting, you may as well go for the kill, Gojyo."

"I…I cut you," I murmured. "I didn't…"

"Mm." He finally paused to look at the cut on his arm. "You did, didn't you? I have to say, you caught me off-guard." He offered me his hand and helped me to my feet, dusting me off gently, and then he stood back and looked at me, expression thoughtful. "You seem to have a natural instinct for fighting. Unless Jien taught you that."

"No… Jien's never taught me anything, really." I thought about how I'd switched knife hands like that. I'd seen other people do it, but I never would have thought I might be able to pull it off. Not in the middle of a fight.

Hakkai seemed to think on that a moment. "Well, regardless, it's no reason to disregard the basics, is it?" It sounded like he was just talking to himself. "We ought to resume the lesson where we left off."

I hesitated to look across the park toward the playground equipment, where I heard kids playing now. It didn't seem like we'd been here long enough for school to have gotten out.

Two boys were there, a little too young to be in regular school, and they had the same floppy, dark hair. I didn't recognize them, but their nice clothes made it obvious they were from a nicer part of town than I was. I watched them run around the equipment and swing from the monkey bars. The older kid pushed his little brother down, and he started crying.

A woman came across to them then. She was tall with the same brown hair, long and silky. Her skin glowed in the sunlight, and her flower-pattern dress flowed back in the breeze. She was beautiful. She knelt down with the little guy, not even worried about the dirt getting on her skirt and knees. I watched her brush the hair from his eyes and the tears off his cheeks. They were too far away for me to hear what she said exactly, but I heard the gentle murmur of her voice as she comforted him, and in a moment he stopped crying. She picked him up and called the older kid over, probably to make him apologize. I watched the way she held and touched both of them, and listened carefully to the way she talked. I could see how much she loved them both in the way she looked at them, and straightened their shirts, and smoothed their hair. They clung to her skirt and held her hands and stayed close to her, knowing she'd protect them. Knowing she'd love them.

Nothing new. I'd been watching kids with their moms my whole life, seeing how different most mothers acted toward their sons, not hitting them, or screaming at them, or calling them names. I kept thinking I'd get numb to it, but even now, watching such a pretty mom with her kids sent horrible shocks of pain and jealousy shredding through me like I was gonna die.

Once, I'd thought I could get her to be that way. I'd thought if I just held her hand or started to cry, she might change her mind and love me back, but…that was years ago.

I felt Hakkai staring down at me. I'd almost forgot he was there, and I wondered how long I'd been staring over at the playground. Reluctantly, I looked up at him, but I couldn't meet his eyes for very long. I tried to smile, but my mouth wouldn't. "Sorry," I muttered.

"Why?" he asked, just as quietly.

"I'm not paying attention again."

"No, you are. You're paying very close attention."

I watched the mom and her kids again, feeling angry and jealous as she bought them both ice cream. Why couldn't I have that? I wanted it so bad. It's _all_ wanted. It was all I'd wanted for as long as I could remember. Why couldn't I, just once, get to feel how that felt?

I closed my eyes for a second. I could kinda remember my real mom. I could kinda remember being outside with her, surrounded by trees and tall grass and flowers, but I could barely see her face. She wasn't really there at all. She might as well have never been. Jien's mom was all I had to try to make what I saw across the park a reality for me, and she never would… She never, ever would.

Hakkai touched my hair suddenly, running his fingers down to the tips and clasping my shoulder. "I know how you feel, you know."

"No you don't," I told him quietly. "Nobody knows how this feels." That's what I told Jien this morning too. Even Jien didn't have any idea what it was like. He _had_ his mom. He didn't have to try to get someone else's mom to love him. He didn't keep failing over and over. He didn't have to live knowing nobody cared about him that way, and they never would.

Hakkai sighed, drawing me a little closer, turning me to make me face him, looking me in the eyes again. His face was so sincere, lit with the sun, eyes sad, mouth frowning again. "Not exactly, you're right. But in a way, I do. You see, I'm an orphan as well."

I blinked at him, feeling skeptical. "You're too big ta be an orphan."

He chuckled, but it was half-hearted. "Ah, no. Believe me you never stop being an orphan. Once they leave you…once you _know_ they're never coming back for you…it hardly matters where they went. It only matters that you weren't enough for them to stay for. That's a feeling that will follow you forever, and always there will be these questions you ask yourself in the dead of the night. Things like, why didn't they want me? Why didn't they love me? What did I do wrong?"

That did sound a lot like how I felt. Still, I couldn't quite believe Hakkai still felt that way. He was all grown up. "What happened to your mom and dad?" I asked, quietly though, scared to make him mad.

He stared over at the lady and her kids again. "Oh. They…just left us. My sister and me. They decided they'd had enough of it all, I suppose—each other included—and they simply disregarded their parental responsibilities and left us behind. Perhaps we reminded them too much of how they'd grown to despise one another, or perhaps they wanted to forget that they'd ever known each other and had a family together in the first place…" He was quiet a long, long time, and I got the feeling he didn't talk about this very much. He didn't seem to know what to say. "In any case…I know what it's like to feel as if you don't belong to anyone, and to search for that feeling everywhere you can, just like I know that, in the end, what you truly want is for them to come back and explain themselves, to apologize, I suppose…and claim you as their own."

I watched the mom and her kids again, the way she laughed and played with them, the way they all enjoyed their ice cream together. My parents weren't like Hakkai's parents. There was no way for them to explain anything or to ever come back. I was stuck trying to make the most of what I had. I didn't know what part of all this made me feel worse—my real parents hadn't wanted me, my mom now hated my guts.

I swiped at my nose, feeling like these emotions might crush me, and that I might let them, because at least then I could go and be somewhere quiet, where none of this mattered.

Hakkai touched my shoulder again.

I looked up into his sad eyes, surprised to see the way his mouth was smiling.

"All isn't lost though, little friend. Believe it or not, our parents are not the pinnacle of our existence. As a child, that's difficult to understand because they mean so much, but they're not the center of our world. As you get older and become your own person, you'll begin to see that, and one day you won't even think about them anymore. At least, not all that often."

I could hardly believe a day might come when I didn't think about Mom, and wonder what I could do to make her love me, wonder why she didn't, wonder why _they_ hadn't, why they'd left me, why no one seemed to care… He had to be lying.

Smiling, Hakkai touched my face, the way he always did, cupping my cheek. "The people we meet along the way and choose to have in our lives are far more valuable than the people who couldn't be bothered to stay and love us. You'll find there's more comfort in a true and solid friendship than there is in all the cold memories and desperate fantasies about the ones who chose to go away or chose not to care."

"Like your friends in Chang'an?" I asked.

He nodded, smile brightening. "Them exactly."

I bit my lip. That was great for him, that he'd met some people he felt like could be his family, but I wasn't Hakkai. I wasn't smart and cool and strong and special. I couldn't make friends now, why should I think I'd ever be able to? It seemed like I would just always be alone with the memories and the fantasies.

"Gojyo." He lifted my chin, making me look up into his eyes again. They burned like green fire. "Please don't write yourself off. Some day, I know you're going to have friends who honestly love you."

"You don't really know that," I whispered. "You're just sayin' that, 'cause you're all grown up, and that's what you're supposed to say."

"No, no. I really do know."

"You can't."

"I do though." He laughed suddenly. "Ah, you don't realize how loveable you are, do you? You can't even understand how truly remarkable you are."

"It doesn't matter," I sniffed, face burning a little. Nobody had ever told me I was sweet or loveable before. "I'm a hanyou. That's all that matters."

His smile fell. "That isn't true. You just have to find the people who will look past that and not care."

If those people even existed. After being alive for twelve years, I'd only met two people who didn't seem to care, and one of them was my brother. Did that mean in another ten years I might meet someone else who didn't give a shit that I was a hanyou? If I lived eighty years—and hopefully I wouldn't—was I supposed to just be happy that eight people in the world didn't sneer at my blood?

 _I guess so. I guess I could be happy with that._ I studied Hakkai, remembering suddenly how happy I was to meet _one_ person who didn't sneer at me.

Suddenly, I stepped forward and put my arms around his waist again, hugging him so tight it hurt, biting back tears. "I love you."

He grabbed me automatically, crushing me even closer against his body. "I love you too, Gojyo. Very much." He stroked my hair a moment. "Please remember what I said, all right? There are people out there who will see you the way you really are. Just have some hope."

Hope was such a hard thing to hold onto when it seemed like almost everyone around me just wanted to step on me, but at the same time, meeting him _had_ given me some hope, and I didn't think I could lose that. No matter where I went now, no matter how shitty people were to me, I'd always know the possibility existed that someone like him might be just around the corner. Even if he left eventually, I didn't think I'd ever forget the way it made me feel to know he cared about me.

The thought made me grin, and I held on tighter, memorizing the way it felt to be there with him.

 **Hakkai**

Every day that passed felt harder than the one that came before it. My dilemma was a constant storm cloud on the horizon—I knew that in time something would happen, forcing me to make up my mind, and the longer I was around the more I had to realize what a mistake I was making in leaving, but after these various incidents, witnessing my little friend's difficulties, I didn't see how anyone could blame me for not wanting to simply walk out on him without an explanation. The authorities who'd arrested him on false grounds had shown me that this entire town was out to get Gojyo-chan; the gossiping neighbors showed me that no one was willing to accept him, and after several days of staying at the inn had passed, I noticed townspeople giving me wary or even disgusted looks, whether I had Gojyo with me or not. Because of that, I relocated every few days, but it was hard to believe a single child could be the object of so much revulsion, and I didn't see how he could endure it.

And yet, every day, young Gojyo was a ray of sunshine. Since our day in the park, he seemed happier than ever, and I thought I must have convinced him once and for all that I truly was a friend who cared genuinely for him. In addition, it seemed she stopped hitting him in those days that followed, allowing those old bruises to fade, giving him the opportunity for a tentative optimism that the abuse had come to an end, even if it was only due to my presence.

Still, Gojyo insisted that his stepmother was unhappier than ever. He expressed deep concern for her emotional well-being, explaining that she cried much more than usual, she was overly clinging with her son, sometimes convincing him to stay home from work to be with her, and that on days when he was away she simply lay around the house, too depressed to function, allowing the house to fall further into disrepair.

For my part, I couldn't care less that the woman was suffering an emotional breakdown. I never saw her or Jien, and I always took Gojyo away from there as early as I could, looked after him from morning to dusk, fed him, and returned him just in time for bed, and I was determined to continue that trend for as long as I could. Knowing she was depressed only fueled my resolve to keep him away from her. It irritated me to no end to hear him talk about how worried he was for her and to have him ask me what he should do to help her, but I kept those opinions to myself. It was very like Gojyo to act that way, and my best recourse was to stay patient and offer him the advice to stay clear of her and try to enjoy himself in the peace.

Once or twice he whispered to me that maybe it was over. Maybe she'd changed her mind about everything. Maybe things were about to get better. I couldn't bear to tell him it looked more as if things might be about to get decidedly worse. After all, I was constantly watching for any sign that she might be about to make an attempt on his life.

Similarly, he seemed to think that my staying in town for so long was an indication that I was never leaving, and again, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. I didn't know if it was right to hide things from him, but I did feel guilty over it, and I wondered how long I could go on lying to him about this.

Several times it crossed my mind to set him down and tell him the truth. Little Gojyo fostered such a deep admiration for me I had no doubt he'd believe my tale about the time machine, and that the roommate I'd spoken so highly of was in fact him. I nearly explained it all to him just so he'd fully comprehend my dilemma.

It occurred to me eventually that it wouldn't solve anything for him to understand that, it would only reassure him that I did indeed have to leave at some point, and at least this way he could pretend I was staying. When he asked me about it, I always gave him vague answers which he might be able to interpret either way. I simply didn't know what else to do.

A smaller inconvenience which I was happy to fixate myself on was the overall dullness of the town. Being such a homebody, I wasn't accustomed to having to entertain myself in public every day, and having a boisterous child along with me didn't make it any easier. Every day I looked for ways to keep him out of trouble, but in time I had to admit to myself that I was dreadfully bored with the scenery. Often we'd go hiking for fresh air, and that was always enjoyable, but being inside the town's boundaries felt more and more stifling every day, and oddly enough, I missed the place where Gojyo and I lived together. At least I knew and understood those people.

On the upside, my little friend was always good. He rarely complained about boredom, and he always seemed content to go along with me. Occasionally he got struck with a good idea for how we should spend our time, but he never acted annoyed when I rejected some of his less than sensible plans. If nothing else, I knew he was thrilled by my company, and I got the feeling he'd do whatever it took to keep it. I didn't think for a moment all his insecurities had been laid to rest, and I hated to think that leaving would worsen them again.

One day, as we were walking along one of the less crowded streets of the market area, Gojyo-chan paused at the window of a small flower shop, staring for several seconds while I lingered nearby, thinking one of the bouquets on display must have caught his attention. When he looked up at me and said, "I wanna go in here," I had no earthly idea what to think. I'd never seen adult Gojyo show even the flimsiest interest in any sort of plants—floral or otherwise—and I couldn't imagine what an eleven-year-old might want at the florists.

Still, I followed him inside. There were so many gigantic arrangements and colorful boughs arching over his head it was almost like a jungle, and I thought it was possible it had just looked fun to him from outside. The cool air was potpourried with the scents of various flowers, and no matter what part of the place had appealed to him, I had a pleasant time examining the various breeds the shop had to offer. It impressed me a little to find such a selection in this backwater location.

Before long, the florist himself approached us and smiled directly down at Gojyo. He was a middle-aged man with a balding head and small glasses, and unlike most people in this town, he had a kindly face. He didn't look at my little friend with the absolute disdain the others did. "Need some flowers, son?"

"I was just lookin'," Gojyo murmured, exhibiting the same wariness he usually showed when interacting with members of his community.

"Well did you have someone particular in mind to buy for," the man went on with the same kind tone. He winked at me. "A little girlfriend maybe?"

Gojyo's face turned red immediately. "No… I was thinking…maybe…my mom."

I glanced down at him, a bit shocked by the idea.

"Oh, well right over here, young man." The florist led the way through the shop to a display in the window, where he showed us a bouquet of bright red daisies. "This here is what you need. It's our special mother's bouquet, and it's on sale this week."

Gojyo looked intently at the flowers. "They're for moms?"

"That's right." The florist smiled down at him. "Arranged especially for your mama."

I glared at the florist, wondering if he was playing some cruel joke on my little friend, but he beamed back at me in the most congenial manner, and I doubted he knew what he was doing.

"We'll have to discuss it," I informed him politely.

"Of course, boys. Take your time." He slammed Gojyo lightly on the back, and then strolled of to help another customer.

Gojyo ran his fingers across the red petals of the bouquet, looking uncommonly thoughtful. "I wanna get these for Mom," he explained in a hushed tone.

I watched him, unsure of what to tell him.

He looked up at me earnestly. "She's so upset lately… She's always so upset, crying all the time… Maybe if I brought her these she'd feel better."

His tone rang with a childish hopefulness, and it was a sweet gesture I thought—one that any sane mother should appreciate—but I understood there was more to it. I understood that even now he still thought he could somehow convince her to love him back.

"Gojyo," I admonished, but delicately. "I'm not sure that's a very good idea."

His expression was perfectly innocent as he stared up at me. "How come? Girls like flowers, right?" I knew he sincerely didn't understand.

"Well, yes, most women do enjoy receiving flowers." Kanan's face had always brightened the few times I'd managed to scrape together some money to bring her even a single rose. "However, I'm not sure your mother…" I stopped, dangerously close to using the word deserves. "I'm just not sure it's the sort of gesture your mother would…" It seemed impossible to explain to him that she wouldn't appreciate them—not from him. "That is…perhaps…in light of the situation—that is, your home situation—flowers may not be appropriate."

He frowned. "They're pretty. Don't you think she'll like them?"

I eyed the bouquet of red flowers. "It isn't that they aren't charming. I just think you might spend your money in a wiser fashion."

"I wanna get them for her," he insisted with familiar stubbornness. "Nobody ever does anything nice for her, and she's always sad."

I could hardly understand why he felt any desire to give that woman anything. Even picking a dandelion out of the weeds in his yard seemed like far more consideration than she deserved. Still, his expression held that earnest look, and I could see he had his little heart set on this idea.

"Gojyo," I tried again, voice gentler than ever. "Your mother isn't… _stable._ Have you considered how she might react to this?"

He turned back to the bouquet, still petting the flowers, frowning now. "Why wouldn't she like them? They're just flowers. Even if she doesn't like me, maybe she'll like them."

I considered how he'd watched the woman and children in the park, the look of desperate longing and agonized jealousy in his eyes. Did he really believe a simple gift like this one could earn him that relationship with Jien's mother? Such a childish hope, that something so trivial might erase years of hate.

Heaving an unhappy sigh, I knelt down with him, resting my hands on his shoulders and looking deep into his eyes. They were the same color as the flowers. "Gojyo-chan…sweetie…"

He looked surprised by the pet name, but he returned my gaze with interest.

"It's a nice thing you want to do…and yes, most mothers would be overjoyed to receive such a gift from their little boy… My concern though is that _your_ mother won't react the way you want her to." I wasn't sure what else to say. It was difficult to imagine her punishing him for anything so kind. Why shouldn't she merely take the flowers and put them in a vase and place them at the center of the table?

 _She's a sociopath,_ I reminded myself. _There's no telling how she'll respond._

Gojyo-chan's eyes darkened with sadness. "There's nothing I can do to make her love me… I know that. But…maybe if she knows I love her…she might at least…kinda accept me."

Acceptance was crucial in a loving relationship, and at the same time, being accepted was a far cry from being loved. It broke my heart to know he would settle for second best from a violently psychotic woman like his stepmother. I wasn't sure I could bear to break it to him that his attempt at gaining her favor might be utterly rejected. I knew I had to protect him from that possibility though, even at the cost of hurting his feelings.

"Come on now," I said, trying to smile. I stood up again and took his hand. "After all, you don't have much money, do you? It's wiser to save it for the proverbial rainy day." There were plenty of those ahead of him.

He continued to look sadly at the bouquet. "You really think she wouldn't like them?"

"No, I really don't think she would. I think they're a bad idea."

When he turned to me again, his eyes were filled with despair, and I thought he might even start crying.

"Ah, don't look at me that way, Gojyo-chan, please. You know I wouldn't prevent you buying them if I wasn't sure she won't like them."

"I guess," he whispered.

"I'll buy you some ice cream," I said automatically, merely trying to think of anything I could do to cheer him up. I doubted, on Jien's poor income, he often got to have such a treat, and even if he did enjoy ice cream occasionally, those opportunities would soon be gone entirely.

His expression did lighten up some, but the sorrow lingered in his eyes. He wiped his nose with the back of his wrist and nodded. "'Kay."

I drew him away from the bouquet, pulling him out of the shop, hoping he'd forget all about this idea, and knowing if he didn't, I had no way of actually keeping him from going through with it.

As we walked through town, I tried to think of light-hearted things to discuss with him, but he continued to act dismal until we'd reached the ice cream store. Still, as soon as I handed him the cone, heaped with several scoops sprinkled with nuts, the joy was restored to his face. "How'd ya know I like salted caramel?" he wondered as we sat down on the bench outside, lapping enthusiastically at the rapidly melting ice cream.

"Oh…" I ate my own green tea flavored cone with an adultish sophistication even adult Gojyo hadn't discovered yet. "I…didn't… I simply…" In truth, I had ordered the caramel automatically, knowing my roommate wasn't particularly fond of overly sweet confections. Green tea and salted caramel. How many times had I requested that? "It was a guess," I finished weakly.

"Jien says I'm boring." He continued to eat at an almost rabid pace, struggling to keep up as the ice cream threatened to run down to his hand.

"Ah, I'm sure it's a well-roundedness you have. You can't be eccentrically wild in _every_ aspect of your life."

To that, he laughed. "You talk really weird, Hakkai."

"Yes, I know. You've told me."

He glanced questioningly at my face.

I shook my head, berating myself for being careless. I had to watch out for these little mistakes I kept making—ordering his ice cream without asking what he wanted, telling him he'd said things he'd never said before. "Never mind." I ruffled his hair. "Eat your ice cream before it melts."

Jeep leaned forward from my shoulder to lap at my own cone.

Gojyo bit off a huge chunk of the soft serve and swallowed it. A moment later, he winced and grabbed his head, nearly dropping his ice cream as he thrashed and kicked on the bench, screaming, "Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Owe, owe, owe!"

"Now, now. Haven't I warned you about that?"

He didn't seem to hear me, and he went on screaming and writhing, spilling ice cream on himself. It was oddly familiar, and I had to admit I was so content there with him, I could almost picture myself staying forever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Present Gojyo**

I wandered through town, not really going anywhere. Hakkai had been gone a whole month, and I was back to living without even the shabbiest excuse of a purpose. No reason to get up in the morning, no reason to come home at night, no one to pay any attention at all to where I went or what I did. I was trying to be okay with that.

After a couple weeks of lying around the house waiting for him to come back, I'd decided I was wasting my time. Maybe he'd come back, and maybe he wouldn't, but in the meantime I'd drank away most of my money, and since Sanzo put everything on hold, I knew I had to get back to gambling. I'd gone too long without getting laid anyway.

It was a chilly, overcast day, but the streets were crowded, and there was a vibe in the air, like something was going down. Everyone from the old ladies in the marketplace to the school kids skipping class was whispering about something.

Whatever it was, I doubted it had anything to do with me, so I decided to ignore it. I had to stop worrying about other people and their shit and focus on whatever I needed to do next.

I hadn't completely given up on the idea that Hakkai was coming back; I'd spent years lying to myself, thinking Jien must be looking for me too and that we'd find each other, so I knew I was capable of hanging onto this for a long, long time.

On the other hand, hoping for years that I'd find my brother had taught me that there was definitely a point where you had to let go and put your energy into something else.

Where that line was drawn exactly, I wasn't sure. Hakkai made a promise, but everybody had their thing they'd break even a real sincere promise over. A month might not be a long enough time to figure out if this was Hakkai's point of no return—even a year might not be—but in a while, I knew I'd have to face the truth.

Not long ago, I saw Goku. Sanzo brought him around when he came down to see if Hakkai was back, and I'd done the best I could to entertain them while they were at my house, even though I couldn't do much other than heat up some sake and tell them to help themselves to anything in the fridge. I knew Sanzo was irritated about all of this, but for once he wasn't taking it out on me—he knew this was all on Hakkai and there wasn't anything I could do about it—so they hung around a while, playing cards with me.

"I don't get how somebody can travel back in time," Goku had admitted, squinting at his hand like he always did when he wasn't sure if he had a good hand or a shitty one.

"The only one who _does_ isn't here," I'd told him. I'd showed them the physicist's notes, riddled with Hakkai's add-ons, but not one of us could make heads or tails of it. Sanzo acted like he got it, muttering stuff like, "Oh, yeah. I see," but I knew he was full of shit. He didn't know dick about physics either.

"Yeah, but," Goku had insisted as he traded in his cards, "how'dya know he's not just somewhere else?"

"Like where?"

"I dunno…" The monkey had carefully rearranged his new cards and then frowned at them; they must have sucked. But at least he was smart enough to know I wouldn't take it well if he said maybe Hakkai just moved on.

"You didn't see this thing, Goku," I'd told him, raising the antee, pretty sure I was at least going to beat out the monkey. "There's no way he just picked it up and took it somewhere. If he didn't fly it some place, then I dunno what the hell else could have happened."

"So it's like a flying machine…? Like a—what'dya call it—plane?"

Sanzo had checked my bet as he grumbled, "No, Goku. Not like a plane. Gojyo thinks Hakkai is in another _time_. He could be sitting in this exact same room, but ten years ago."

" _Gojyo_ thinks?" I'd sneered. "You think so too."

He'd not answered that.

"I get that," Goku had told us. "I just don't get how."

"I'm all in," I'd said, shoving my chips to the middle of the table.

"It seems weird… Goin' to another time… Hakkai's really _that_ smart that he knows how ta do somethin' _none_ of us can figure out?"

"I guess he's a genius." I'd thrown my cards down. "Three of a kind."

Hissing, Sanzo had laid out his pair and shot me a murderous look.

I'd laughed, reaching for the pot. "Man, we shoulda' played with money!"

"Um." Goku had fumbled with his cards as he put them down. "I got one of everything… Is that good?"

"One of everything?" I'd gaped at his flush. "What the fuck? You gotta be shitting me! You didn't have a clue what you were doing the whole time! What kinda poker face is that?"

Looking more annoyed than ever, Sanzo had shoved the pot over to Goku.

As the kid had stacked his chips in front of him, he'd said suddenly, "But, if Hakkai could be in this same spot ten years ago, he could just come back any second now, right? Like, he can go whenever he wants? So maybe there's some kinda…difference?"

"Difference? What difference?" I hadn't been able to help snapping at him. I'd been annoyed that I lost to him when I'd thought I was doing so good.

"I mean…" he'd thought a second, and then looked me in the eyes. "Maybe three weeks for us is just like a day for Hakkai. Maybe he can even come back to a time right before now an' make it like this night never happened."

I'd stared at him a sec, and then looked at Sanzo, who'd looked just as surprised as I felt at the monkey's sudden burst of smarts. "Well, I know I wouldn't mind losing _this_ moment."

Since then, I'd thought about it a lot. Knowing it was possible Hakkai could walk through the door any day now, saying he'd only been gone a few hours, made it even harder to know when to let go. It wasn't like searching for Jien. He _could_ be away for years and then just pop up again at some point, acting like he'd never left at all.

 _If you do that to me_ , I thought, angrily bursting into one of my favorite casinos, _I will be so fucking pissed at you._

It was still early, and the floor was mostly dead. A few people were playing the machines, but I didn't see anyone at the card table, so I headed to the bar and practically threw myself onto the first stool I saw, fuming. Maybe it should have made me feel better that Hakkai could come back whenever he felt like it, but it didn't. Sure, that would be great for him—he could just pick up where he left off—but where in the hell would that leave me?

The bartender slid me my usual drink, and I gulped it down, brooding, staring at the pale daylight through the dirty window.

I didn't get all that time-space continuum crap, and even though Goku dropped that pearl of wisdom on us I knew he didn't either. Chances were even _Hakkai_ didn't know exactly what he was dealing with. My question was, if Hakkai came back to an earlier time than this one—like to the exact moment he'd left in the first place—what would happen to all this time I'd spent without him? Would it disappear? Would I just wake up in the past and not remember any of this? Or would he just suddenly appear in my life again with Kanan?

My brain hurt just thinking about it, so I focused on my drink.

While I was sitting there, a crowed gushed past the bar, shouting and running, all riled up and scared-looking.

The bartender drifted to the window to watch them.

"What the hell's going on?" I huffed. "Somebody getting lynched? Or hitched?"

"That's a weird comparison, Gojyo," he grumbled.

"Everybody's all worked up about _something_ shitty."

He turned to me. "You didn't hear about the girl who got killed?"

"No." I paused with my glass to my lips. "What girl?"

"Not sure… The body's so wrecked they haven't been able to ID her yet. That's why everyone's in such a panic."

A chill sped up my spine, and I set the glass down without taking a sip. "Wait a minute. What happened to her?"

"Not sure," he said again, in the same strange, hollow tone. "They say it looks like a wild animal got her, but…" He winced in disgust. "But she was raped too."

He went back to his job, and I stared out the window a while, watching people stream by. A lot of them were yelling, some were even crying, but everyone was definitely pissed. Was it a coincidence that she died that way? Or did it have to do with the crazy shit Willis told me about?

After playing hermit for two weeks, I half-thought I'd come back into town and everything would be chaos—youkai going crazy, humans killing youkai who _weren't_ crazy, all-out war—but town seemed normal. I didn't dig around, but I did hear a few rumors about people disappearing—humans _and_ youkai.

Maybe Hakkai was right. The scientists who tore up facility four could have come down here. Or maybe youkai in our own town were starting to go nuts.

And we were supposed to be figuring it out, but that smart ass had to take off in a fucking time machine.

"Hey, Jun," I got up and turned to the bartender again. "What else do you know about it?"

He was cleaning glasses, dunking them in the basin under the bar and setting them on a towel. "Not much. They found her early this morning in the woods. That's all _anybody_ really knows."

"And they don't know who she is?"

Again, he made a disgusted face. "From what I hear, the way she's torn up, she could be anybody. Anybody at all."

Like the girl I'd slept with a couple nights ago—Tara—with her amazing tits and her blue lipstick.

Or, she could be one of the little girls; like little Sami who sold flowers with her father in the market. She was only eleven or twelve.

She could be that hot school teacher Hakkai worked with; or she could be the frumpy chick who cashiered at the corner store I liked to stop by after a bender—the one who always hit on me but didn't have a chance in hell of actually…

 _Shit_.

I jerked a handful of yen out of my pocket, slapped it down on the bar, and crashed through the door.

 **Jien**

Hefting the axe over my shoulder, I walked into the front office to clock out for the day. I wiped sweat out of my eyes, feeling dirty and tired. Summer was at its peak now, and cutting down trees all day in the broiling sun was tough work, but I was glad for the income. At the end of fall, the lumber yard would shut down for the season, and I'd have to find a different way to make money. I saved as much as I could, but the truth was I didn't make much, and supporting everybody was hard. Gojyo kept outgrowing clothes, and he didn't get enough to eat. I made as many sacrifices as possible, but Mom was always sneaking money from my wallet to buy wine.

When I was finished punching out, I turned around to look at Seita. She was sitting at the front desk, pretending to read a magazine, but I noticed her glancing up at me. She was always looking at me from the corner of my eye. Her hair was red brown and shiny like mahogany, and her eyes danced with happiness and humor, and even though she was a couple years younger than me, she was rough and tumble, just like you'd expect from the daughter of a lumber yard owner.

"What're you reading?" I grinned, pretending to try and snatch the magazine from her. "About makeup?"

Seita laughed under her breath, and I could see she had a gun owner's magazine.

I whistled. "You're something, Seita." I looked her over. The top couple of buttons on her flannel shirt were undone, and I could almost see her cleavage.

Beaming up at me, she explained, "Daddy promised to take me shooting this weekend. We never get to go."

"He's a busy guy," I agreed. "We've gotta do as much work as we can before the first snow."

Casually, she kicked back in her chair, planting her boots on the desk and leafing through her magazine. "What are you doing for the winter, Jien?"

"Haven't thought much about it," I lied. Dad always said women liked guys who acted a little devil-may-care.

"You know what would be fun? A ski trip."

"Ski trip, huh? Where would you go for that?"

"Oh, our family owns a cabin. We go every year. Daddy said I can invite some friends along."

I tried not to look too hopeful. It might be weird to get invited to the bosses cabin in a ski town, but it might also be really good for me. "That would be fun."

"Yeah." She snapped her gum. "I think me and the girls will have a real good time."

Now I had to try not to look disappointed. I couldn't leave Gojyo alone with Mom to go on a ski trip anyway. She'd been so gloomy lately, I doubted he'd even be alive when I came back. Hakkai was sticking around longer than I'd thought he would, but I couldn't count on him to be here or to look after my brother. I still couldn't trust him.

But it would be nice to do something fun for once.

"Hey…" I leaned carefully on the counter, watching her read, captivated by her glossy eyes. "Speaking of plans. What are you doing this weekend?"

"Oh, I don't know. This and that. Nothing special."

"Just the shooting range?"

"Maybe a fishing trip. What are you doing this weekend?"

"I dunno. Maybe you wanna grab a drink sometime."

Her eyes flickered up to look at me, and she giggled a little. "I'm not old enough to drink yet."

"Coffee then. I know a great place not far from here. It's pretty low key, and it's not too expensive, but the coffee's good. And maybe we could grab some lunch too. Take a walk. Do some window shopping."

The smile slowly melted off her face, and she sat up again, laying her magazine aside and looking flustered. "It sounds like you're describing a date." She gave a nervous laugh.

"You could call it that. Real casual though."

"Oh." She toyed nervously with the pen in front of her. "I don't know about that, Jien. You're… I mean, I'm the boss's daughter."

I raised my eyebrows. "You think he'll mind? Is he really overprotective?"

"No, no…"

"Did I do something to make him mad?"

"No, he likes you fine… I just don't think it's appropriate."

"Hey, c'mon." I tried to laugh next. "It's just some coffee. It would be nice to get to know you."

Seita stood up suddenly, grabbing some files hurriedly off the desk. She was so flustered, she even dropped one and had to dive to the floor to scrape up the papers. "Um. Look, Jien… You're really nice and all… But I just don't think it's right."

"It's that big a deal? You being the boss's daughter?"

"Well, you know."

"Seita, a lot of guys work for your dad—at least part time. You saying he wouldn't want you to date any of them? Or just me."

She flinched. "There's…nothing wrong with you, Jien."

"So what is it?"

She got to her feet, cheeks flushed. "It's just not… I mean, I'm a human.'

The words startled me. Maybe they shouldn't have, but I just hadn't been expecting anything like that. I wasn't asking her to get married or even have sex—it was just a casual invitation to coffee.

"I don't mean anything against your family," she added quickly.

It was my turn to flinch. This was always going to be the hardest part of living in this town.

"I just mean… I don't think it's appropriate." With that, she turned away and ducked into the back room before I could say another word.

I left the office feeling annoyed with myself. There were a lot of reasons not to ask Seita out—I'd gone through them again and again. For one thing, I didn't make enough money to keep a girl entertained, even one as low-maintenance as her, and for another, Mom wouldn't like it. The fact that she was human had never been relevant to me. I guess this meant I'd misread all the times I'd thought she was flirting with me. What a bust.

When I'd gone a few blocks, Gojyo suddenly appeared out of nowhere and slammed against me, shouting, "Jien!"

"Hey, kiddo." I ruffled his hair distractedly. It had been a while since he'd come to meet me after work. As far as I knew, he'd been spending most of his time with Hakkai.

Of course, he wasn't far behind, looking collected as ever, like he didn't have any problem keeping up with my overly-boisterous brother. "He insisted on coming to meet you," he explained when I looked his way.

"Thanks, Mary Poppins," I grumbled, then turned to Gojyo "Everything okay, punky?"

"Yeah!" he shouted, tugging on my arm. "We're about to go have dinner! You should come with us!"

Again, I glanced at Hakkai, sure he wouldn't want me to join them, not sure why it should matter. Gojyo was my brother—if Hakkai didn't want me to have dinner with them he shouldn't have any say in that.

The prick smiled back at me. "You're welcome to join us, of course," he said serenely.

"I'ma mess," I grumbled, pulling at my filthy shirt.

"C'mon, Jien! That's a lame excuse!" Gojyo insisted. "Go with us! Please? We haven't hung out in forever!"

Between him spending all his time with Hakkai and me working weekends, it really had been a while since we'd gotten to do anything together.

"We're not going anywhere fancy," Hakkai assured. "Gojyo tells me there's a restaurant nearby with an arcade built into it. I thought that might be fun, but it doesn't sound like any sort of black tie affair."

Why would he even bother to push me to come along? I knew he didn't like me any more than I liked him.

Like he'd read my mind, he said, "Gojyo would enjoy it, if nothing else."

That, I thought, was more important than any reason not to go.

"Okay," I agreed. "Not too long though. Mom'll worry."

"Yeah!" Gojyo pumped his fist in the air and tore off, leading the way.

The 1-Up Tavern wasn't too far away. It was crowded, even for a Friday night, but we got a decent table, I ordered a beer, and Hakkai got a martini, and then he sat back and sipped it, glancing at the menu like they were serving poison, and making weird small-talk about the architecture while Gojyo tore through the appetizers and drank a bunch of pop.

"You're gonna be so hyper," I complained.

"I'm hyper anyway," Gojyo told me easily. He lit a cigarette.

I frowned, but Hakkai beat me to saying, "You shouldn't smoke. Especially not while you're eating. Put that out, please."

Absently, Gojyo put the cigarette into the ashtray. "I wanna get pizza."

I surveyed the menu. It wasn't very expensive, but it was more than I wanted to pay for food. I shot a grin at Hakkai. "On you, right?"

Hakkai just smiled and said, "The two of you are quite similar."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Only that impertinence appears to run in the family."

"You callin' me rude?"

"Something like that. In any case, I'm happy to pay if you can't afford your share."

I scowled at him. " _That's_ a little impertinent, don't you think?"

"Not at all. I'm an adult with an established income."

"And _I_ just got off work because I'm an irresponsible kid."

To that, he just laughed.

"So. You got the money to pay for everything?"

"As long as you don't drink too much."

Glaring at him, I took another sip of beer. "You've really got a mouth, you know that? Like that shit you said to my mom the other night."

Hakkai glanced at Gojyo, who'd frozen in his seat with a mozzarella stick halfway to his mouth. "I hardly think this is the time or place to discuss that. But I will admit to being a bit out of line."

"A _bit_?"

"A bit." He set his martini aside to call the waiter over and put in our order.

"Do teachers make good money?" I wondered, while we waited for our pizza.

"Ah, we do all right."

"And you're still not gonna admit to being an assassin or _something_?"

Hakkai folded his hands in front of him on the table, smiling away. "Or something? I'm not sure what you mean by that."

"Can we get dessert?" Gojyo asked suddenly, a little loudly.

Hakkai smiled at him. "You haven't even eaten your dinner yet. It's unlike you to think so far ahead."

"I was just thinking, if I save room…"

"We'll see. As Jien said, you've already consumed quite a bit of sugar, and I'm not sure you need more. You can be quite erratic in that state, and I wouldn't want to disrupt your bedtime."

"That's not for a long time, Hakkai."

"All the same."

Our pizza came not long after that. Hakkai and I ate mostly in silence while Gojyo yammered away about whatever came to mind. I had to admit, he seemed really happy, and it was weird that Hakkai hadn't made a move yet. If he really was a social worker, it seemed like he would have done something by now. If he was an assassin or a bounty hunter he should have hit his mark or moved on. Maybe he was lying low in this town for now. That didn't explain why he'd taken such an interest in my brother, but it was getting hard to think he was going to hurt him. I wanted to think that if he _had_ hurt Gojyo already my brother would have said something to me. I hated to consider that the kid was so glad to have a friend he'd hide that from me or let it go on just to maintain their friendship.

None of that was a good reason to trust Hakkai, and something had to give eventually.

When we were done eating, Gojyo decided against dessert and insisted on going into the arcade room to play some games, so Hakkai took him to get quarters, and they disappeared into the haze of neon lights and drunken patrons.

For a while, I sat there finishing my beer and thinking. It was probably just as well about Seita, I decided. Mom and her issues were still a dilemma I hadn't found an answer to, and that could get messy real quick if I brought a girl into my life. In fact, I was scared of what Mom would do if one more person came between us. As unfair as it was that I couldn't live life the way I wanted to, I had to accept that I needed to be patient before I could make any big changes like that.

On the seat across from mine, I noticed Hakkai's coat draped over the back of his chair. It was weird that he had it at all in the middle of summer, but it was always with him. I'd wondered before if it concealed something he wouldn't want anyone to see. Dad always said you could tell a lot about a man from the way he was dressed, and the longer I stared at it, the more convinced I felt it could tell me _something_ about the guy.

With a casual glance around the tavern, I slid out of my chair. Hakkai and Gojyo were on the far side of the room, absorbed in a game of Street Fighter. Nonchalantly, I picked up the coat, looking it over. The tag had been ripped out of it, but I could tell it was made of cotton, and it was pretty heavy—a winter coat for sure, long enough to conceal a weapon. It was clean, but there were signs of wear on the sleeves and spots where it had been mended with tight stitches. I dug into the pockets, but all I found was a slim billfold. Inside, he'd stashed fifty-thousand yen and a punch card to a café I'd never heard of, but there weren't any credit cards, a piece of ID, or even photos of loved ones. It was like he didn't really exist as part of society. In one pocket of the wallet, I found a piece of paper, neatly folded.

My heart raced as I opened it, thinking it might tell me something, but to my disappointment, it was just a shopping list. I perused it disinterestedly. Most of the items were sensible—the kind of things a guy on a budget would buy—milk, rice, coffee, raw vegetables, toilet paper, tooth paste, and sandwich baggies.

At the bottom of the list, with a different pen, in sloppy kanji, a completely different person had added whiskey, twenty-four pack, cigs, condoms, dope, chicks (blonde and brunette), and tweezers to pull the stick out of your ass. It was signed with a little heart. His roommate, I guessed, assuming that guy was real. _Somebody_ had written that. Somebody with a rude sense of humor and a nine-year-old's handwriting.

It was kinda weird, but it didn't tell me anything.

Next, I pulled out coupons for back to school supplies. That might prove he was a teacher, I thought. I stared at the coupon. The expiration date caught my eye… It couldn't be right. It said the coupon wouldn't expire for another ten years.

"Helluva sale," I grumbled, jamming the coupon back where I'd found it. I put the wallet into the coat and threw the coat over the chair, trying to rearrange it so it wouldn't look like I'd messed with it, and then I ordered another beer.

We left not long after that and started to make our way through the crowded streets. "Thanks for dinner," I huffed.

"My pleasure," Hakkai answered, tonelessly.

Gojyo wondered, "Did you see that girl checking you out, Hakkai? You shoulda grabbed her number! You coulda saved a little money by staying the night with her."

I was used to my brother, but I figured someone like Hakkai would be caught off guard by an eleven-year-old saying shit like that, so I was surprised when Hakkai just said, "No, I'm afraid I didn't notice. Another great opportunity to fornicate with a stranger lost, I suppose," like he'd said it a million times.

Laughing, Gojyo elbowed me in the ribs, "You're too filthy for anybody to be checking you out, bro."

"I don't have time anyway," I grumbled.

Little Brother lit a cigarette, cockily, and swaggered along between us. "You boys need to get it while the getting's good—when I'm big, nobody's gonna be looking at _you_ dorks."

"People have other senses besides sight," Hakkai reminded him with a smile.

Gojyo glared. "You sayin' I'll be bad in bed?"

Hakkai clicked his tongue. "How inappropriate."

I gave my brother a shove. "He means women don't like a smart ass."

"Oh, yeah? So why're you still single, dumb ass?"

"You better watch who you're talking to." I locked my arm around his neck and gave him a rough noogie.

Hakkai murmured, "I knew all that sugar was a bad idea. It's almost as bad as alcohol."

That made me think of the grocery list again. "You know somebody with an alcohol problem?"

Hakkai paused. His forehead wrinkled in consternation. "What is an alcohol _problem_ , exactly? We're all prone to our vices."

Whoever added to that list seemed like they had to be throwing a party, or else they were some kind of sex fiend with an alcohol problem. Or a complete smart ass.

Knowing anything at all about Hakkai would be better than nothing. "You don't seem like much of a partier."

"No, Jien," he agreed. "I'm a quiet man with simple tastes. I'm not overly fond of wild parties."

"What about your roommate. What's his name again?"

"I've never told you his name. He enjoys a noisier scene."

"Did'ja come out here to get away from him?" Maybe the guy was just so obnoxious that Hakkai had had enough.

"No, of course not. In fact, _normally_ , he'd be with me right now."

"Inseparable, huh?"

"How come he's _not_ with you?" Gojyo wanted to know.

"That's…complicated, Gojyo-chan."

"I wanna meet him! You talk like he's really cool."

"Some people might say that…" He tugged at the earrings on his left ear.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think we were making him uncomfortable, asking him about his roommate. I decided to push.

"You guys are gay, right?"

Hakkai whipped around to give me a startled look.

"Is he abusive or something?" I sneered. "You got an abusive boyfriend, Hakkai? He drinks and fucks and makes you do all the shopping and housekeeping?"

Recognizing the aggression in my tone, Gojyo looked up at me, "Hey, Jien, that's enough."

"I'm just asking. It's weird you won't tell us anything about him."

Hakkai's tone turned so chilly I could almost shiver in the warm night. "Why does he interest you so much? He isn't here."

"I'm just curious. Trying to learn a little more about you."

"I see. What exactly is it you want to know? If we're homosexuals? Would that bother you? Or are you still stuck on the absurd notion that I've made him up in order to trick you?"

"Maybe it's a little of both."

"C'mon, Jien," Gojyo tried again. "Don't be such a dick."

But Hakkai stopped in the middle of the road, not caring a blink for the people still surging around us. He leveled a dark look on me as I stopped too, glaring at him, wondering what he'd say.

"I can't convince you of anything, Jien-san," he began. "But I will say this—the nature of our relationship isn't important, and I certainly don't have to explain it to _you_ of all people, because I'm sure that you will never have anyone in your life who means even a fraction of what my roommate means to me. Simply put, I don't expect _you_ to comprehend what true friendship is like."

It was so sharp, I couldn't respond at first, and by the time I'd thought to say anything, he'd sauntered ahead of us, hands in his pockets, and Gojyo dashed after him, glaring over his shoulder at me as he went.

Slowly, I moved after them, but I kept my distance the rest of the way home, and they were both quiet. When we reached Hakkai's hotel, he asked Gojyo to give us a moment to speak alone, and by then I had no idea what to expect. His face had gone back to its regular serenity, and his voice had lost its sharpness, but it stayed stern as he said, "I know you went through my wallet."

I gaped at him. "What?"

"Never mind that it's a complete invasion of my privacy and a breach in trust; I can only guess at what you were looking for."

"How do you know?" I demanded. "You're accusing me of going through your shit, but you don't have any—"

"I find it convenient, is all, that I left my coat containing my wallet alone with you, and then you suddenly seem to have information which you could only have gleaned from the wallet's contents. Am I wrong?"

This guy was too fucking smart. I couldn't believe he just _knew_ I'd gone through his wallet based on the vague things I'd said about his roommate.

He took a step closer, voice dropping to a dark murmur. "I understand you don't trust me, and I can understand why, but I'd advise you to stop digging into my personal affairs, especially where my roommate is concerned. Believe it or not, everything I'm doing is to protect someone _you_ love."

I couldn't help glancing at Gojyo, who was standing just out of earshot, watching us nervously.

Hakkai hissed, "That's right. The _only_ person you love. By prying into my business, you're putting him at risk, so let it go."

"How?" I asked, angrily. "What kinda shady bullshit are you into?"

"It's not what I'm into. It's a little more complicated than where I've come from or what my motives are, and I can't explain it to you, like it or not, so your only recourse is to stop this."

For several moments, he glared at me. His eyes were like daggers, and I knew I'd made a mistake trying to corner him.

Slowly, I nodded.

"Good." Hakkai adjusted his glasses, shot a reassuring smile in Gojyo's direction, and then added, "If you have any sort of sense at all, you won't tell him about _anything_ you found in my wallet. Not one thing." And then he turned and disappeared into his motel.

I stared after him, not understanding. Nothing in the wallet had helped me. Grocery lists and coupons and punch cards didn't seem like they could possibly be dangerous. And yet, he really meant that. He didn't want me to mention them to Gojyo.

"Why're you such a jerk?" Gojyo demanded, as we started walking again.

I gazed down at him, wondering if he was in danger without my realizing it.

He scowled back at me. "We were having a nice night, Jien."

Shaking my head, I took the lead. "I'm just trying to look after _you,_ punky. That's all I ever do."

 **Present Gojyo**

"What the fuck am I doing this for?" I panted.

Tai-Ping was a good half-day hike away from the house, and it wasn't even on the map. I had to ask all over town to find out it was almost twenty miles northeast of town, straight up the side of the mountain. It was taking everything my tar-coated lungs had just to make it, and the fifteen pound pack on my back didn't help.

How could I not at least go check it out though? Hakkai was gone, Sanzo acted like it was okay to wait for him—I didn't know what the fuck either of them was thinking. Maybe it was just that I'd seen more of what was happening than they did, or maybe I shouldn't have lied to Sanzo about what Willis told me about Tai-Ping in the first place. I couldn't even remember why I did that.

It didn't matter though. That girl who got killed was somebody's kid, or mother, or wife, or sister, or fuckbuddy, or _something_ , and she was dead for no reason—mutilated and raped. Or raped then mutilated. Whatever happened, whoever she was, it made me feel sick to my stomach.

Normally, yeah, that kind of shit bothered me. Chicks didn't deserve to be all fucked up and terrified before they died, whether they were pretty or not. I hated to think about her screaming and begging and calling for help, crying…

This time though, it was my fault.

 _Not exactly_ , I kept telling myself. _It isn't_ exactly _your fault._

But Sanzo put it on us to figure out what was going on. Just because Hakkai bailed on me didn't mean I shouldn't be looking into it. For all I knew, if he'd stuck around we would have figured this out weeks ago, and that girl—whoever she was—would still be okay.

Hakkai wasn't around, but _I_ was, and there just wasn't an excuse good enough to let something that sick happen on my watch.

 _Like I'm some hero of justice. Give me a break._

Sanzo didn't ask us to do this, or anything else, because we were heroes. Just the opposite really—he made us run his crappy errands because we weren't worth much, we didn't have people to miss us, the world would be better off without us anyway, and we were strong and reckless enough to get shit done. Being a hero didn't factor into the equation.

And yet I felt sick, like it really was on me that she got killed.

Who knew? The dead girl might not have anything to do with the craziness Willis described. She could have gotten drunk at the bar, raped behind the dumpster, staggered into the forest when she was confused, and killed by a bear. Or some twisted fuck could have dragged her out there and did all that for kicks. The cops could figure that shit out.

They _couldn't_ figure it out if she was a victim of this insane youkai pandemic. Some of them were youkai too, and right now it looked like maybe I needed to assume that every youkai in the world was just one unlucky night away from bat-shit.

I didn't know if going to Tai-Ping would help me solve anything; Willis acted like she couldn't figure anything out there. Sanzo told me to stay put and wait for Hakkai. I didn't think I could sleep at night, wondering if I could have done something to keep whatever was coming from happening.

I should have told Sanzo about Tai-Ping though; at least then he could tell Goku to come with me.

 _Goku's a youkai. If he turns on me, I'm fucked._

 _I'm a youkai too…Maybe I'll get to see first hand what the hell is going on._

I would feel way, way better if Hakkai was with me. He was tough and smart, he was good at figuring things out, and he kept me from jumping to conclusions.

But shit, he was a youkai just like Goku and me, and he was already about as nuts as you could get without getting locked up for it. In fact, after the shit he did to save Kanan, maybe he _should_ be locked up. For all I knew, he was sick when he was human. Some kind of disease that made youkai lose their minds couldn't be good for him.

 _Maybe I should be glad you're not around for this._

And at the same time, I couldn't help feeling bitter that I was doing this on my own just because he had his own special agenda.

 _Always gotta save Kanan._

I tried not to let that bitterness take root. He deserved to be with her if he could. I would much rather believe she was a really special girl, and she was worth all the murder and effort and hardship he'd put himself through to help her.

As I walked along, I tried to picture her, Hakkai's sister. He didn't talk about her enough for me to know what she was like or how she looked, but I gathered she was sweet and pretty. I imagined she looked a lot like him, so green eyes, dark hair. I guessed if she was like him—at all really—she probably _was_ worth the trouble. I knew for a fact he was, and I knew for a fact I wasn't.

 _So why can't I stop feeling angry over the fact that you ditched me like this?_

Near the middle of the day, just when I was thinking I must have taken a wrong turn somehow, I came to a sign in the road. It was old, beaten by the weather, with chipped paint and rotting wood, and my mandarin was rusty, but I thought it said NO OUTSIDERS.

"Must be the place."

Still, I had to walk a ways further before I came to a tall fence with an outpost leading into the town, but nobody was guarding it, and the fence was broken open in a few places, so I ducked through one of the gaps and stepped into town.

It was small and eerie, the kind of place where if you drove through and you blinked you might miss it. It was unnervingly quiet. I didn't even hear birds chirping, just the distant tinkling of wind chimes. All the streets were empty, and everything was trashed, from broken-in doors to overturned wagons with their goods still strewn all over the place, abandoned pieces of clothing, and livestock—mostly chickens—roaming loose. For a while, I looked everywhere I could think of for people, but the whole place was empty, and the longer I looked, the more freaked I started to feel. The place seemed totally deserted, like everybody just dropped their lives where they were and took off in some mass migration for somewhere better.

Couldn't blame them. It was dumpy and boring-looking, and I doubted there was much to do here other than go to the one liquor store they had and get drunk on the front porch. It was possible everybody _did_ just move away.

I hesitated next to a wall separating a fork in the road, lighting a cigarette and adjusting the pack on my shoulders. In a sec, I took it off and left it there. I doubted this place had much to offer as far as information went, so I'd wrap it up after another minute or two and head home. Nobody was gonna steal my shit while I was wandering around.

I crossed a bridge that led across the river into what looked like the business part of town, but all the shops were closed up and empty like everything else. As I went though, I started to notice a reek in the air—something really nasty, like cleaning out my fridge before Hakkai came. Rotting meat, I thought.

The further I went though, the stronger and nastier it got, and before long I was thinking it had to be a corpse somewhere. Fuck that, it smelled like there was a whole stack of corpses just around the corner.

It made me stop again and look around, more nervous than ever, wondering if maybe I'd gotten in over my head without realizing it. I mean, what happened? Did everyone in town wander into the same corner and die?

Stuff like that didn't just happen.

Across the street, I saw a little bar called the Sleeping Dragon Tavern. Too bad it was abandoned. What I really needed now was a drink to get my head straight so I could figure this out before I went home. I did not want to waste a twenty mile hike.

While I was looking at it, willing the open sign to turn on, I noticed movement behind the glass. At first, I thought it must be my imagination, but then a face appeared in the window, leering out at me a moment and then vanishing again.

"Hey!" I threw my cigarette down and ran for the tavern, throwing the door open to find the place deadly still and unlit. The smell of rotting flesh was stronger too, making me gag and cough. I covered my mouth with my sleeve, turning around and around, looking for whoever had just stood at the window.

Slowly, my eyes adjusted to the dark, and I realized the room was empty again. It was trashed. Beer cans and liquor bottles had been thrown everywhere, leaving glass sparkling on the floor. Tables and chairs lay smashed into pieces, and the walls were scraped and scored. I saw splashes of old blood on the floor. At the back, a door hung slightly open, trembling like it had just been moved, and I thought I heard something scratching around back there.

Holding my breath, trying to calm my racing heart, I crossed the room, reaching out for the doorknob.

The door burst open, and a pale face with a screeching mouth leapt out at me. Sharp claws clipped past my face.

With a shout, I sprang back, lost my footing on an empty beer bottle, and fell. My head hit the edge of a pool table, and I was out.


	10. Chapter 10

**Past Gojyo**

"I'm sorry Jien was sucha jerk to you," I said suddenly.

We were making our rounds through the town the morning after going to 1-Up, and Jien had been sleeping when I left the house. For a sec, I'd thought about waking him up—it really had been a while since we got to spend time together—but I figured he needed the rest, and I snuck out before Mom could get up to go meet Hakkai. He was an early morning guy, and he was waiting for me outside his hotel, having coffee and feeding Jeep. Now we were just walking, looking for a place to get breakfast.

Hakkai looked down at me, eyebrows lifting in a questioning look. "Oh, that. Well, I wouldn't say that, necessarily. As I said last night, he's somewhat impertinent. Much like yourself."

I smiled, but I couldn't help thinking about how weird Jien was being. Last night, I didn't understand what it was exactly about the stuff Jien was saying, but I could tell Hakkai didn't like it. It made him way nervous. "Still, sorry he was pickin' on your roommate."

Hakkai's expression shifted into uncertainty, like what I said was weird, and he simply looked straight ahead again.

"You're kinda protective about him, right? That's why you don't wanna tell us anything about him."

"Well…" Hakkai's mouth hung open a second, and then he closed it without making a sound, so maybe he didn't want to admit it, but last night when Jien said the guy must be an asshole, I'd noticed a look in Hakkai's eyes that reminded me a lot of the way Jien looked when people said mean stuff to me.

"Why isn't he with you?" I wondered, glancing around the sunny streets. Everyone looked cheerful this morning, buying and selling stuff and laughing. Maybe they were getting used to seeing us together, because we didn't get as many strange looks as we used to.

"I didn't invite him," Hakkai confessed quietly. "In the end, it's likely a good thing he's not here with me."

I thought about that a minute before saying, "I dunno what Jien thinks he knows anyway. He was just talking out his ass."

"Jien is concerned for you," Hakkai said simply.

There was no reason why he should be. Not right now anyway. Hakkai was always looking after me, and Mom hadn't laid a hand on me in almost two weeks; I kept watching her, thinking she might go back to it, but whatever he'd done or said to get her off my back, it was still working, and for all I knew it would keep working—at least as long as he hung around.

Still, I felt bad for her. Her depression hadn't lifted, and I kept trying to think of some way to get her out of that cloud. My mind went back to the flowers I'd seen again and again. Last night, I'd even poured all my money from the coin jar I kept under my bed out onto the floor to see how much I had. It seemed like I could afford a bouquet of flowers. I didn't understand why I shouldn't at least _try_ to cheer her up in any way possible.

Hakkai seemed so sure the flowers were a bad idea though, and even though I trusted him, I didn't really see why. No matter where they came from, I couldn't get how they were anything other than a nice present to give someone who was depressed.

We ate breakfast at a place we'd found a few weeks ago where they didn't make a stink about me being there, and Hakkai was weirdly quiet the whole time, so I did a lot of the talking. I didn't know what was up with him—maybe the stuff Jien said bothered him more than I thought. I still didn't know what they talked about last night in front of the hotel, but Hakkai had looked dead serious about something, and Jien hadn't said much as we walked home. It seemed connected.

"Do you miss home?" I wondered, slathering syrup all over my pancakes.

Hakkai stiffened in his seat, like the question bothered him. "Of course," he said after a moment, but he sounded like he'd had to think about it.

I nodded, trying not to look sad, but if he missed home, that meant he'd probably go back to it in time. I couldn't ask him to stay here forever if he had somebody who was waiting for him. I didn't know if he was gay with his roommate. I hadn't even thought of it until Jien brought it up last night, and now I realized that if they _were_ gay Hakkai was definitely going to want to go back to the guy. I couldn't help feeling jealous. I needed Hakkai, and I didn't want him to leave. His roommate also being his boyfriend would be better than if he was his brother, I thought—at least he'd still decided to be with a hanyou—but either way, that would mean going home was his priority. One of these days, he was going to go back to where he belonged.

One thing I was sure of, Hakkai didn't belong _here_ in this town. He didn't fit in with the gossiping liars and the people who would rather look the other way, and the ones who straight up didn't care. He was better than any of that. I had no right to ask him to stay here just for me. That hadn't changed.

"Mostly," Hakkai added, tugging on his earrings, "I miss _him_."

Again, I nodded. That made perfect sense. "He must be important," I murmured.

"Very much so," he agreed, and sipped his coffee. And then he paid the bill.

I wondered how much money he had anyway. He was always paying for things for me—he'd even bought me a toy the other day. It was just a little plastic panda bear, but it was one of the only toys I had now, and he talked on and on about pandas, what their name meant, and where they lived, what they ate, and what made them different from other kinds of bears, like how they didn't hibernate. After he'd been talking about bears a while, I got the feeling he had bought the thing just to teach me something.

Either way, it was three hundred yen he didn't have to spend, and it made me wonder what would happen if he ran out of money. Maybe he'd get stuck and have to stay here longer. Maybe that was why he was still here now.

After breakfast, we started walking again. Every day it got just a little harder to find things to do in this town. I'd always thought it was boring enough—that was part of why I'd started trying to learn how to gamble—but keeping an adult entertained was even harder than finding stuff to do on my own. A lot of times, we wound up in the park, but that just meant he sat and watched while I played. We worked on my knife fighting skills too, and any more it felt more important to me that he had something to do than it did that I learned to fight. We'd already been to the town's tiny museum half a dozen times, and Hakkai kept muttering that this town had no culture. I worried that when he got bored he'd just move on, but I couldn't make stuff to do appear out of thin air.

Sometimes, I just wanted to ask him what it was he was doing in this town, why he hadn't left yet, what he was going to do next, and why he'd been heading to some place called Cheng at all when it didn't seem like it was important to get there. Sometimes I felt like reminding him that winter would be here before we knew it, and that wouldn't make traveling any easier. But I didn't really want the answer to any of those questions, and I didn't want to encourage him to go. The longer he was around, I couldn't help thinking maybe Jien was right—maybe Hakkai was an assassin or a criminal, maybe he was hiding from something or running away, and maybe knowing what he was honestly up to would just be painful.

We didn't get too far before a guy got in our way. He was tall and razor thin, with a buzzed haircut and a smooshed-looking face. I knew him as Ping'yon, a courier for the village elders, and I wasn't too happy to see him block our path as we cut across the road.

Hakkai paused and laid his hand on my shoulder.

Ping'yon looked down his nose at me first, like I was nasty, and then, I was surprised to see him give Hakkai almost the exact same look. "Good morning," he greeted stiffly.

Hakkai answered coolly, "Good morning, ojisan. Can I help you?"

Snorting, Ping'yon shook his head. "I didn't come for your help, onisan." He reached into his long robe and suddenly thrust a rolled up piece of paper into Hakkai's hand. I strained to see it, noticing the wax seal of the elders holding it together.

"What is this?" Hakkai asked, holding it delicately.

"A summons," Ping'yon said, in that same stuffy voice. "The elders request your presence at their chambers on North Street. Do you know it?"

Hakkai nodded slowly. "Yes, I believe I do."

"Good. You're expected to appear before them day after tomorrow, at ten in the morning. It's a matter of urgency."

My guts twisted. I'd never heard of anyone being summoned by the town elders before, and I looked worriedly up at Hakkai.

He didn't seem worried though, just a little confused. "May I ask what I've been summoned for?"

"That's not my place to say. I suggest you be there though—if you don't come of your own accord, you'll have to be escorted."

"I see. It must be important."

"Yes, I would say that it is." He glared down at me again, and I couldn't help ducking back a step to hide behind Hakkai. The last thing I wanted was the attention of the village elders. They were a cold group of old bastards. "Come alone," Ping'yon ordered, and then he bowed stiffly and backed away. Before I knew it, he'd disappeared into the crowd, and by then Hakkai had unrolled the paper and was reading through it with a frown.

"What's it say?" I whispered.

He looked at it a second longer, fixed his lips in a straight line, and then suddenly crumpled the paper up and shoved it into his pocket. "Very little." He stood there a moment, looking up the street toward the distant forest, before glancing down at me, face breaking into a smile. "Let's take a little walk, shall we?"

The walk Hakkai wanted to take wasn't so little, I thought. We had to walk clear over to the other end of town, and then we started up the road. He walked fast, and he stayed quiet, while Jeep fluttered from his shoulder, flying a ways and then circling around to come back and land on my head, like maybe Hakkai was making him nervous. I bit back the questions I wanted to ask, knowing he wouldn't answer me, and sometimes I felt like he'd forgotten I was there at all, especially since I was having trouble keeping up with him.

After going a couple miles, Hakkai suddenly broke off from the road and headed up into the trees, picking his way easily through their trunks and stepping over logs, ducking under branches, moving deeper and deeper into the woods. I had to jog to stay with him, and as the forest grew denser, I found myself tripping and falling behind, looking around the shadows, a little scared by the sense of urgency he moved with.

"Where are we going?" I called, when we'd been hiking for ten minutes or so.

"Not far," was his only answer.

Fear started growing in me. He'd gotten a letter from the elder—I had no idea what it said—and it spooked him. If he _had_ been planning to do something messed up to me all this time, maybe that was his cue. I didn't want to think he was leading me into the woods to kill me, but Jien was so sure Hakkai was up to no good.

After another few minutes, I stopped, watching him walk further and further from me, like he didn't care if I followed him or not. "I'm going home!" I called. Going home to Jien seemed like a better idea than following Hakkai into the wilderness for no reason. For all I knew, he wasn't planning on ever taking me back to my house, and suddenly the idea of being separated from Jien was really, really scary. We'd always been together, for as long as I could remember, and I knew we had to stay together. He was all I had.

On my head, Jeep chuued his agreement.

Hakkai paused to look over his shoulder at me, expression dark and unreadable. I really thought he'd say "so go" and keep walking, but he just frowned at me. "Why?"

"Because." I glanced around the forest. It was really dark here for morning, and I heard weird bird calls echoing through the trees. Other than that, it was too quiet, and I didn't like it. "Because…I wanna go home."

It took a moment, but he looked around too, like he was just realizing where he really was or that it might be creepy to me, and then his look softened and he held his hand out to me. "Now, now, there's no reason to be frightened. I just need to see something, and then we'll go back."

Uncertainly, I studied his face. That expression I'd seen had been so strange and bothered, and I couldn't guess what it meant.

"I promise, Gojyo," he said gently. "It's not much further, just take my hand."

Still nervous about following him into the forest like this, I eased forward and grasped it, feeling him squeeze lightly, and he smiled down at me.

"I'm sorry," he explained as we began walking again, slower this time, "I got distracted. I didn't mean to alarm you."

Comforted, I pressed closer to him.

We didn't have to go much further before we came up over a hill and then ducked down into a clearing, and then Hakkai gently shook loose of my hand and moved toward a weird clump of branches that looked like they'd been thrown together to cover something. As he shoved them aside, I saw glints of dull metal, and then I was staring at a machine shaped like an upside down pint glass, with a bubble for a top and three awkwardly jointed legs around the base. It was scraped and partially rusted, like it had been made out of scraps.

Hakkai spent some time picking his way around it, looking it over carefully, and he even lifted the hatch to check the inside.

Meanwhile, I glanced around the clearing. The thing didn't look like it had been here all that long, and I didn't see how anyone could have brought it through the dense trees. "What is that?" I asked at last.

He ran his hand across the metal panels, brushing away a thin layer of dust. "Oh, just a little project I built."

I studied the machine in a new light. It was pretty well put together. Hakkai must be even smarter than I'd thought. "How did it get here?"

"I…drove it here."

With its weird legs and even weirder shape, I didn't see how the machine could be driven. It didn't have wings or wheels.

"In any case." He slapped his hands together to clean them as he faced me again. "I just wanted to be sure it's still here and intact. It appears to be in good condition though."

And just like that, he started piling the brush back on top of it, so at least he wasn't leaving.

As we started walking away, I couldn't help staring over my shoulder at the hidden machine, trying to understand what it was. I had never seen a car in real life, but I knew from TV and magazines what they looked like. Planes, too. The machine looked like it could be the basket for a weird air balloon, but there was no sign of the balloon itself, and I realized that metal was probably too heavy to float very easily. I couldn't think of a good explanation for how he'd gotten it out here or why he'd left it so far from town.

"Are you gonna leave soon?" I asked quietly.

"Well," Hakkai said with an uneasy pause, "I don't know."

"What did the letter from the elders say?"

"Mostly, it's a written version of the things the man who gave it to me said—where to meet them and when."

It must be more than that. Why else would he come out here to make sure his…vehicle was still okay. I was sure something in the letter made him feel like he might have to leave soon. What could I say though? I couldn't force him to admit he was lying.

"Don't worry, Gojyo." He put a hand on my shoulder, guiding me through the trees, but he wouldn't look at me. "It's nothing for you to concern yourself with."

* * *

 **Hakkai**

Our mood was somber as we made our way back into town, and I realized that was owed mostly to my own behavior. Intentionally or not, I had alarmed him by dragging him off into the woods without any due explanation. I could have left him at home, but I hadn't wanted to make the trip all the way back to his house before checking on the time machine, and I was reluctant to leave him with that woman, whether Jien was around or not.

At least I knew the machine was safe, but now he'd seen it, and I had provided an exceedingly flimsy explanation for its construct—obviously Gojyo was intelligent enough to realize that thing couldn't be _driven_ anywhere.

Then again, I had been considering telling him the truth for a several days now. What could it hurt? He might not even believe me… Until I got in it and took off…

It could hurt a lot, I reminded myself. Young Gojyo having any knowledge of where I'd truly come from could have highly adverse effects on the future or even his present situation, just as Jien seeing the trivial items being kept in my wallet could cause even more trouble than I'd made already. I hadn't expected him to search my pockets, to unwittingly make a distant connection with a future version of his brother, regardless of the fact that he'd most likely never put it together. All the same, there was a distinct flavor of foolishness in allowing little Gojyo to see the time machine. What if he _could_ somehow put it together?

When I looked down at him, I could see he was nowhere near understanding the truth. After all, assuming the machine he'd seen in the woods was a time machine would be quite a wild guess, and I didn't think I'd given enough away for him to make that leap.

Meanwhile, I got the sense that new problems were looming over me, and I pressed the letter in my pocket. It said very little outside the instruction to meet with the elders at their chambers in two days, but it was also perfectly clear they had something serious to discuss with me. Whatever it was, I at least understood that fooling around with Gojyo's life—and therefore my own—was quite a different matter from getting deeply involved in the goings on of this town. The more I affected this community with my presence, the more likely I was to make alterations in the course of history.

Of course, I found it unlikely that they intended to put up a statue in my honor. Regardless, having my name written down on an official record—as it was now—could be equally devastating, and when I'd seen it, printed out at the top of the letter in perfect kanji, I'd been struck with panic, flooded by the cruel reality that I _should_ leave before I made matters worse.

Now though, if I simply climbed in my machine tonight after parting with Gojyo, and disappeared, what would happen? Would the elders send out a party to search for me when I failed to keep my appointment? Would they direct their frustration at the Sha family? Would they get the entire town in an uproar over my disregard for their system of government? I'd dipped my finger into an ocean and somehow managed to create a tsunami on the other side of the world.

It seemed to me that I must stay at least long enough to speak with the elders. I must try to set things right and get through whatever they wanted with as little fuss as possible. After all, my name was in writing already in a time and place where it shouldn't exist at all; that couldn't be reversed. And it wasn't so bad. It would be much, much worse if they got the whole countryside looking for me. My unnatural existence in this time could touch the ears of people it shouldn't—young Sanzo, for example, wandering the countryside alone, or even the younger version of myself, far away at the orphanage.

Even my sister, wherever she might be at this point in time, might hear the family name of Cho and venture out to find this mysterious man named Hakkai, thinking he could be a relation of hers. It seemed like an action she might take. It could prevent her from meeting _me_ at all.

My stomach felt sick at the notion.

 _I'm such a fool._

Little Gojyo caught my sleeve. I heard him murmur in a small voice, "Hakkai?"

"Yes, Gojyo," I responded automatically, though I did wonder how dismal my demeanor had been to drive the regular cheer from his own behavior.

"Is… Is somethin' wrong?"

I looked down at him, finding him staring up at me with childish sympathy and innocent concern that strangely reflected his adult counterpart's rare though authentic expressions of worry.

I couldn't help touching his cheek, smiling gently. "There's nothing for you to worry about, little friend. Big people simply have…more complex problems." Immediately, I felt like an ass for saying such a thing to him. His problems were anything but simple.

And on the other hand, I could hardly think of anything more confounding than the dilemma I'd wandered into here.

He continued to gaze at me with earnest shades of concern in his eyes.

"Everything's all right," I assured him in a softer tone. "'Kai-chan will handle everything."

"Kai-chan," he sniffed. "Who would ever call you something like that?"

"I don't know," I admitted with a laugh, caught his hand again, and led him forward. For now, there was nothing I could do except try to ride out this wave I'd inadvertently created.

Once we'd reached town again, Gojyo shook loose of my hand but walked closely beside me, and I took no offense. He was a young boy after all, and as emotionally connected as he might feel to me, on a good day, he didn't want to be seen holding hands with me like a small child. I smiled to myself. His determination to be tough blended with his undoubted vulnerability not only made him more charming, it reminded me of my roommate. He'd never grown out of that dichotomy, I supposed.

The general cheer of town restored both our spirits some, and as we went, we began to chat quietly about inane pleasantries. By the time we'd gotten back to market street, he was shouting and laughing like always, and I knew he'd forgotten our strange excursion into the woods already. I felt terrible though, knowing he had no way of fathoming the iceberg of my dilemma.

It seemed our days together were coming to a close, and I found it difficult to laugh along with him with that knowledge settling heavily inside my mind. Still distracted by my thoughts, I let him lead me wherever he pleased, and before long we'd come to a rather seamy area of the town, dirty and rundown, with characters of ill-repute roaming the streets and a number of mangy strays rooting through the garbage. This was, he'd told me some days ago, where he came to gamble, play pool, and find someone to purchase tobacco for him—in other words, this filthy scene was his natural habitat, and it simply always had been. He'd even made it sound as if the people in this district didn't mind him so much, and it gave me a disturbingly realistic glimpse into his psychology, confirming the private theory I'd always held that Gojyo kept somewhat distasteful company strictly because that was where he found himself most likely to be accepted.

I didn't especially care to be there myself, but again I'd been so lost in my thoughts, struggling to balance between them and my attention paid to him, that we'd arrived there almost without my knowledge.

"I need smokes," Gojyo explained, when I made a comment about it.

Several times since we'd met he'd attempted to coerce me into buying cigarettes for him, but I'd firmly told him no, and I wouldn't change my mind, and so his trips to this area continued regularly, though most often without my knowledge, I assumed.

"What would Jien say if he knew you were coming to this part of town?" I wondered, a bit scoldingly.

Gojyo shrugged, though I could tell the question made him uncomfortable. "He'd probably say I should stop coming, but it's not like he can make me."

Again, Jien was an ineffective guardian if he couldn't even forbid his little brother from wandering this sordid playground of filth, but it wasn't entirely his fault either, seeing how he had to spend so much of his time working to provide for his family.

"Well, I wish you'd stop wandering around over here," I told him. "It isn't appropriate, let alone safe."

"Where would I get cigarettes?" he asked in a dumbfounded tone.

"As I keep telling you, you _ought_ to discontinue that destructive habit altogether. If nothing else, you'll save money."

Gojyo stopped to linger in the street, staring down a nearby alley with an air that suggested he wasn't listening anymore.

Suppressing a sigh, I followed his gaze.

Halfway down the alley a group of children had clustered around to torment a small cat; having tied a string of cans to its tail, they were now chasing it with sticks, always keeping it penned in their circle. I couldn't hear its mewling over the sound of the boys' shouts and laughter, but from the way it darted back and forth, tail tucked, ears back, I knew it was terrified. Based on their cruel advances and the things they were saying, I knew the creature had every reason to be afraid for its life.

On my shoulder, Jeep growled and hackled, and Gojyo had gone perfectly still.

Wrinkling my nose, I observed the scene. I recognized the boy, Taro among the circle. The last time I'd encountered that bully it had led to a nasty confrontation with the police in this town, and although that wouldn't typically deter me from rescuing the animal, I worried what it could mean for Gojyo if I stepped in this time to punish the little tyrant. I started to tell him that we ought to press on and ignore the fiendish display. After all, that boy had proven nothing if not vindictive, and torturing a cat was only one more example of how truly twisted he must be.

Before I could speak, Gojyo charged forward, shouting, "Hey!" And then he was running up the alley toward them. "Hey! Leave it alone!"

They hardly had time to notice him coming before he threw himself into their midst, ramming Taro with his shoulder. Despite their differing sizes, Taro was so caught off guard he tumbled over into a pile of debris. While the others stood by gaping, Gojyo kicked the next one squarely in the shin, and the boy howled and jumped back on one foot.

By that time, I'd come to life again and found myself moving forward.

Taro clambered to his feet, rubbing his bruised abdomen and spitting, "Hanyou!"

He saw me coming though and hesitated, and with some fearful whispered and poorly conceived threats, the whole gang quickly dropped their weapons and scuttled away, rounding the corner just as I reached Gojyo's side.

My little friend bent down to scoop up the cat. The wretched creature hadn't gotten far with the cans tied to it, and he quickly removed them, murmuring all the while, "Hey, little guy, it's okay. They're gone."

The cat cried. It was an ugly gray and its frame was gaunt, though it looked quite young—only a few months old by my judgment—it was severely undernourished, its fur matted, and I noticed its right forepaw was all but crushed. It writhed in his arms, struggling to escape, while he stroked its dirty fur in an inept attempt to comfort it.

"Those guys are such jerks," Gojyo choked, pressing the kitten to his chest, ignoring the way it scratched and bit at its bare arms. "Don't be scared, kitty… I won't hurt you." He spent several moments more trying to soothe the animal before turning to me, face distorted by his pain and sympathy, looking as if he'd like to burst into tears if he only knew how. "Hakkai… Can you…fix it?"

I studied his expression, feeling I'd seen it before, perhaps at some point during that hazy night, between picking me up, dragging me home, and putting me back together without any guarantee of reward, and I knew again that Gojyo had come into this world with an uncommonly but naturally tender heart.

"Let me see," I said in an equally hushed voice, and I lifted the kitten away from his arms, cradling it and running my fingers lightly across its body to assess its injuries.

As soon as I had it, the thing quieted considerably, huddling into my sleeve and whimpering very quietly. Jeep nudged at it, as if to assure it that it was safe. I inspected the broken paw with disgust, but it seemed to be the worst of the injuries. "I think so." I tried to smile at Gojyo, as he continued to stare in clear distress at the kitten. "It's not so bad. I think it's mostly frightened."

"I wonder where his mom is," Gojyo said, glancing around the alley, as if he hoped the mother cat would arrive to take her kitten back to a safe nest somewhere.

"He may not have one," I said, still stroking the cat's back and head, feeling its alarmed breathing and rapidly beating heart. "Come along. We'll go back to my room and I'll see what I can do."

Gojyo nodded, completely forgetting his errand for cigarettes, and turned to lead the way.

Tending to the kitten proved simple enough. I wrapped its paw as best I could, though I assumed it would never recover fully, and then the two of us did what we could to clean it up. Soon, it curled up in the makeshift bed I'd built out of towels and washcloths in the desk drawer and fell asleep, exhausted and petrified. Jeep curled up with it, wrapping his serpentine neck and tail around the kitten's body, protecting and comforting the little fellow while I cleaned and dressed the cat scratches on Gojyo.

"What's wrong with those kids?" Gojyo asked haltingly. "Why are they so mean to _everyone?_ "

"I don't know," I told him gently, applying the last of the bandages. "Some people are simply born with cruel dispositions."

"It ain't fair though. That little guy didn't do nothing to them."

"Didn't do anything," I corrected mildly. "There's no accounting for their lack of compassion, I suppose." I flicked a glance at his distraught face. "The nice thing though about this world is that there are gentle people in it to balance out the villains."

If he understood I was referring to him specifically, he didn't show it. His gaze had returned to the kitten sleeping in the desk drawer, fond and concerned. "Do you think I can keep him?"

Sighing, I set to putting away my first aid supplies. "I don't know, Gojyo. I wouldn't recommend it."

"Yeah, but you can't keep him here."

That was true. It had been difficult enough to sneak the kitten past the front desk, tucked under my jacket, hoping it wouldn't cry suddenly and reveal itself to the receptionist.

"We can't turn him loose either. He's hurt."

Admittedly, the cat wouldn't survive on the streets in this condition.

"We'll figure something out," I assured him with a smile, if only because I knew this was important to him.

We spent the rest of the afternoon taking care of our new charge, feeding and watering it, and the kitten grew accustomed to us rather quickly. Instead of darting off to hide as most of its breed would, it half limped half waddled across my bed, sniffing and crying intermittently. Jeep's presence seemed to reassure it, though I hardly understood why, and I'd always been good with animals. More than once, living in the orphanage, I'd found some poor stray and nursed it back to health.

That was something Gojyo and I presumably had in common, though the cat didn't take to him at all. Any time he got close to petting it, the thing would arch its back and even hiss. He wasn't deterred though, and he patiently set to making friends with it. After several hours, he had coaxed it onto his lap, and it crouched there, looking a bit nervous.

"I think they can tell," Gojyo told me simply. "It's like they can sense that I'm not normal."

"Maybe so," I agreed reluctantly. I'd seen otherwise friendly dogs bark and growl at him, stray cats ran away, and even Jeep hadn't taken to Gojyo as readily as I would have expected. It was a sad aspect of his life, that even his compassionate advances were always being rebuffed. I wondered if he'd expected me to react similarly when I woke up and realized the truth of his existence.

The afternoon wore into evening, and Gojyo focused solely on the kitten, playing gently with it and speaking to it in the most heartbreakingly kind tone I'd ever heard from his mouth, and I could hardly convince him to eat or participate in conversation with me. Near seven, he announced that he'd better get home to Jien soon, and he picked the kitten up, carefully, and held it firmly but gently in his arms.

"I'm not sure…" I began, but I didn't have the heart to go ahead and tell him he'd better leave his new-found friend behind. He wanted the kitten. I could see it all over his face.

What's the worst that could happen, I asked myself as I walked him home? It was simply a kitten. Together, the two of us could nurse it back to health, and then I could convince him to find a new, pleasanter home for it. In all likelihood, his mother was so despondent she'd never know it existed.

Sadly, I remembered that I should leave this time soon, before I made matters worse.

If I did though, Gojyo would need his kitten. It might comfort him some in my absence.

Against my better judgment, I let him take it.

* * *

 **Present Gojyo**

Groaning, I woke up again. My face was pressed into the dirt, and my head hammered. Everything was dark and musty, and there was a chill speeding through me I couldn't shake. The air stank of rotting bodies.

 _Where the hell am I?_

My hands were tied behind my back. I pulled at the ropes, feeling them scrape and burn my wrists.

 _What happened?_

Slowly, it came back to me, hearing about the dead girl from Jun, coming up to Tai-Ping alone, going into the Sleeping Dragon Tavern and being attacked by…something.

I didn't get a good look before I knocked myself out on a pool table.

 _Stupid. Hakkai would never do anything so dumb._

Go figure. He went away, and I got myself into a mess.

For a few seconds, I struggled with the ropes, convinced I could just pull out of them if I tried hard enough, and then I could figure out where the hell I was and how to get away.

The smell in the air was horrible, and it made me more and more frantic to get loose, but before long it was obvious I was just thrashing around, getting nowhere.

I lay still again, breathing hard and gagging.

 _Okay, Gojyo, think. Just think._

There was a knife in the pocket of my coat—at least there had been. I didn't have any way of getting to it though.

My shakujou… If I could summon it…

Summoning it wasn't the problem. Getting it into a position where I'd actually be able to cut the ropes would be just about impossible.

"Fuck."

I started thrashing all over again. If nothing else, maybe I could loosen my bonds and slip out.

"Don't bother, hanyou," an old, dry voice creaked from somewhere across the room.

I froze. I didn't realize anyone was watching me.

"Who's there?" I called, so thirsty I could barely speak.

Footsteps crunched across the room. The next thing I knew, someone was kicking me in the shoulder, turning me over, and a couple of people stood over me.

In the dark, it was hard to tell what they really looked like, but I could see that it was a man and a woman. She was middle-aged and wrinkly. He was ancient and haggard. Both were youkai, and their eyes were crazed.

My heart started slamming. "What the fuck do you want? Let me go!"

She spoke like I hadn't said anything, in a whispering tone, "Not a human, Ojii-san."

"But not a youkai," he purred. "Not one of us." He looked contemptuously at me.

I fought the urge to spit at him.

"Kan Tang tasted good," she reminded him. "He's young at least."

"You better let me go," I warned them roughly. "You haven't done anything yet I can't forgive. Let me go, and I'll just leave."

They exchanged a look. The old man said, "I'm not interested in eating anything that might upset my stomach. If he tastes too much like us, that would be perverted."

"I'll taste him for you, Ojii-san."

My heart slammed to a stop as I realized they were talking about eating me.

"Woah, woah, woah, back up." I kicked my legs, trying to get into a sitting position, but I found myself pressed against a stone wall. "You do not want to eat me. I'm all… I'm just skin and bones. See?"

The old man smiled down at me, eyes gleaming with insanity. He touched his long tongue to the curve of his white fang. "Blood," he husked. "We want your blood, boy."

"Fuck you! You ain't getting—"

The woman pounced on me before I could finish, dropping down to pin my legs with her knees. She grabbed a handful of my hair and jerked my head back, exposing my neck.

"Get off me!" I bucked as hard as I could, but she was stronger than she looked, and my head was still spinning.

Warm breath fluttered on my neck as she nosed at me. "He smells good," she announced in a bedroom soft voice. "Like summer rain."

"Bitch, you had better not—"

I cut off with a sharp gasp when I felt her fangs pierce my skin. Sharp pain shot up through my throat, and blood trickled down to my collarbone. Her velvety tongue lapped at it, and her lips sucked, drawing more and more into her mouth.

"Fu-fuck…" Wincing, I squirmed, but she held me down, drinking mouthful after mouthful of my blood until I started feeling sick and dizzy.

When she was finally done, her hands slid down my chest, sensuously, and she got to her feet again, wiping her lips. "It's sweet," she told him, like my blood was fine wine. "It tastes more human to me."

"Y-you bitch…" I whispered. Sticky wetness glued the collar of my shirt to my skin. "You fucking bitch."

The old man grinned at her. "Thank you, Li. You're always so helpful."

He moved forward, reaching for me.

"No. No, don't." I tried to kick him back, but he dodged me and crouched down, digging his claws into my shoulders and pressing his knee into my dick.

Automatically, my body froze. "You sonnova bitch!"

He slammed my head back and bit me viciously, just where she had, and he drank for twice as long, licking my blood up greedily, like he was going to drain every last drop out of me. My vision started to turn black, and my extremities went numb. I heard myself whimpering and gasping like I was getting fucked. "C-ut it out," I ordered weakly.

But he kept drinking.

He didn't stop until I was on the verge of passing out, and then he grabbed my chin and forced me to look up into my eyes. They were psychotic, and red was smeared all over his lips and nose. "This is the best-tasting blood I've ever had. Not too human. Not too youkai. Not an average hanyou, maybe."

I spit in his face.

The man laughed, but he dropped more weight onto my dick, and I jolted with the pain, slamming my head against the wall.

He got up, drying his face. "We'll keep this one alive—for now. Good find, Li."

They both turned away, like I was just a keg of beer they could come back to later.

Dazed, I watched them climb a ladder and lift a trap door and slide out.

For just a second, burning light illuminated the room, and I realized I was in a wine cellar—there were racks and racks of the stuff, and barrels of beer stacked off to one side. Some had been smashed, the booze spilled all over the dirt floor.

On the other side of the room, a pile of mutilated human corpses was heaped into the corner. Among them, I caught a glimpse of bright red hair, just before the cellar door shut again.

That must have been Kan Tang.


	11. Chapter 11

**Past Gojyo**

When I got back home, most of the house was dark, and Mom must have been upstairs sleeping, so I snuck inside, keeping the kitty tucked under my shirt. He'd calmed down a lot at the hotel, but walking with him through the streets had gotten him scared again, and he clawed at my stomach and made little growling sounds.

Skirting carefully around the creaky spots in the floor, I hurried toward the stairs, thinking the sooner I got to my room the better. I knew better than to think I could hide the cat forever, but at least for a little while, until I could talk to Jien about what to do, it should be safe in my room.

As I reached the top of the stairs, Jien appeared, shirt off, sweatpants slung low on his hips. I hesitated, wondering if he'd notice the twitching lump under my shirt, or if I should turn and go back downstairs.

"Gojyo," he said, before I could decide what to do, "what are you doing?"

I eased my way up the steps, trying to act normal, grinning. "Hey, bro. Just get outta the shower?"

Jien shifted uncomfortably, and as I moved closer I noticed the scents of sex and sweat clinging to his skin. That was weird. I'd never known him to go to bed with her unless she was hysterical over something I did. Automatically, I glanced past him, but her bedroom door was shut. "Is Mom okay?"

"Yeah," he muttered. "She's fine."

I wished I could ask what happened, why he'd have sex with her if he didn't have to, if she'd flipped out over something or if…

I could barely stand thinking about any of that, let alone asking out loud. The more I was around Hakkai, the more I understood just how wrong all this was, and I wished I knew some way to get my brother out of this. Hakkai made it sound like it wasn't good for him…

Jien continued to stare at the bundle in my arms, and I realized the cat was starting to thrash back and forth and squawk. "What is that?" my brother demanded, coming down to meet me, and before I could stop him he'd grabbed the cat from under my shirt and held it up by the scruff of the neck.

The little guy meowed and swatted at Jien's nose with his good paw, tail bushing out again.

"Isn't he cute?" I said, trying to smile and still struggling to swallow down the sick feeling in my stomach. "I saved him today from Taro and those other assholes. I think I'll name him…Kai-chan."

"Kai-chan?" Jien echoed, raising his eyebrow and handing the kitten back to me suddenly. "You've only known the guy a month, and you're naming a cat after him."

"What? No, no, not like Hakkai," I lied, clutching Kai-chan to my shoulder. "I just like the way it sounds. Anyway, isn't he cute? His little paw is hurt, so I'll have to keep him a while." Hopefully, in the meantime, Jien would start to like Kai-chan too and somehow convince Mom it would be good to have a cat around the house.

"Gojyo…" my brother sighed. "We talked about this."

"This is different," I argued. "This isn't like the squirrel."

"The squirrel," Jien groaned.

A couple years ago, a baby squirrel fell out of a tree and got hurt. For almost two days it lay on the ground, crying and crying, but I thought sure its mom would come and save it. By the time I realized she wouldn't, I'd already brought the little guy inside, fed him milk from an eyedropper, and put him to bed in a shoebox. I'd kept him a long time, until he got strong enough and brave enough to ride on my shoulder or attach to the front of my shirt, but once he started getting bigger he'd torn up the living room, and then Jien found out and made me get rid of him.

That was a heartbreaking afternoon, setting what felt like my one and only friend loose in the woods, way, way on the other end of town so there was no way he'd ever find his way back.

"How is this different from the squirrel?" Jien asked gruffly. "It's an injured animal you brought home."

I stroked Kai-chan's head. "Yeah, but he ain't wild—he's a good boy; he's not gonna tear up the house or nothin'…I mean, anything…and when he gets better he can catch mice for us."

"We don't have a mouse problem."

"He could be a good pet. Maybe he'll keep Mom company—"

He interrupted me to hiss, "Shh! Shut up, Gojyo!" and he even checked over his shoulder, but I didn't see or hear any sign of her. He sighed. "Look, it's great you wanna help him, but you can't keep him."

"Why not? He's just a little cat. Lotsa people have pets."

Jien nodded to that, and I got the feeling he didn't really know why I couldn't keep the cat. "Look, do you even have a way to take care of that fur ball? He needs kitten food and water, a little box, all that stuff."

I looked down at Kai-chan. His blue eyes blinked up at me. I didn't think about everything he'd need, just that if I got him home he'd be okay. "I'll take care of him; I'm not asking anyone else to do it."

Again, he heaved a sigh, staring back down the hallway a long moment before he muttered, "You gotta keep it a secret for a while, okay? Just don't let her see it."

I brightened up immediately. "Do you think she'll let me keep him?"

"Like you said, it's just a cat. As long as you take care of it and don't expect anyone else to…" he shrugged. "We'll see."

"Thanks, Jien!" I rushed him to throw a quick hug around his waist, and the cat fussed between us.

Chuckling, my brother ruffled my hair. "Okay, okay, it's no big deal. Just take it to your room now, and then we'll have to get something for it to crap in."

I dashed for my room, calling out, "I'll get an old beer box and put sand in it!"

"That sounds like a good idea."

His voice sounded like he was all on board, but when I glanced back at him I saw him staring after me, forehead wrinkled with worry. Whatever the issue was though, he didn't say anything about it, and he helped me get dishes we never used for food and water while I put a thin layer of sand in the beer box, and we sat together on the floor of my room, watching Kai-chan explore under the bed and around the closet. He still limped pretty bad, but his tail stuck up straight in the air. A lot of the fur had been worn off it by the string of cans Taro's gang tied to him. He found a bottle cap I'd dropped by the window and batted it around the best he could with his hurt paw, and then he sat down and cried softly until Jien picked him up and held him.

"He seems pretty used to people." I scratched Kai-chan behind his ears and listened to him purr.

"Maybe he belongs to somebody," my brother said in a hushed voice.

I frowned, hoping not. I wanted to keep the little kitten forever. He didn't seem to like me all that much just now, but I wanted to work on that, and become friends, watch him grow up… If somebody lost him, that was their own damn fault.

"You know, Goj," Jien said, quieter than ever, "maybe the best thing you can do is help him get better and then find him a good home."

I frowned up at him. "You said you're gonna talk Mom into it."

"It's…not about Mom," Jien said slowly, looking troubled. "Not completely. It's just that we don't need any more mouths to feed around here. Getting by on my income is hard enough."

Quickly, I tried to think of some way to keep my cat. "What if I get a job? I could pay for everything he needs."

"Goj…you're not really old enough—"

"I could get something though—even if it's just sweeping the floor at the corner store, or being somebody's assistant—like a page or a squire!"

From the cock of his mouth I could tell he was trying not to laugh at me. "A squire?"

"You know, like the knight's helper."

"Where do you get this stuff, kid? There aren't any knights around here—what're you thinking Hakkai will let you be his squire?"

I knew he was teasing me, but I still looked away, cheeks burning. It would be nice if I could do something like that. I didn't know what Hakkai really was—teacher or assassin—but maybe it wasn't totally impossible for me to be his assistant somehow. Jien had to have him pegged wrong though—Hakkai was a good guy. For all I knew he was already something like a knight, and maybe he _did_ need an assistant. Maybe we could travel together, always camping and going on adventures, and the kitten could come along; I'd drop by to see Jien any time we were in the neighborhood. Or he could even join us. Hakkai could teach me how to be just like him: cool, and nice, and helpful.

"Goj, don't pout, okay?" Jien drew me out of my daydream. "It's nothing personal, it's just that you're not old enough to get a job—someone's supposed to be taking care of you, and right now that person is me. I just don't think we need anything else to worry about right now."

Sadly, I looked at Kai-chan, but he was just a lump of fur half-buried in Jien's arms. I watched his side rise and fall with steady breathing, reached out to stroke his soft fur again. "I really like him."

"I know, punky, but it really isn't a good time for this."

A feeling of betrayal hit me. He'd said he could convince Mom. Why bother if he was just going back on it after a few minutes? I bit my tongue, not wanting to fight with him—we could wake up Mom, and if she saw the cat I definitely wouldn't get to keep it. Maybe there was no way for me to keep him. Maybe Jien was right and it wasn't a good idea to keep him at all.

Slowly, still petting the kitten, I nodded, but I couldn't look at my brother.

"When you grow up, you can have all the damn cats you want," he said immediately. "I just think this little guy is better off going somewhere they can actually take care of him."

"You're right," I agreed reluctantly. "He deserves a family. Not a fucked up mess like we are."

Jien stayed quiet. I felt him touch my hair, and I knew he felt bad.

I made myself smile up at him. "It's okay… I…I can find somewhere else for him to go. Somewhere he'll be happy."

"That's good, Goj," he murmured.

Still, when I went to bed that night, I felt Kai-chan jump onto my bed, wade across the threadbare blankets, and curl up on my chest. I went to sleep listening to the sound of his purring, and trying to think of a way to keep him.

 **Hakkai**

I stood before the town elders, just at ten on Tuesday morning. It was an unnerving experience, standing there and watching them whisper to one another before even addressing me or acknowledging my presence, and it was irritating to have to go through some judicial rigmarole in a different time when I knew little Gojyo needed me to be around for him.

So far, his keeping the cat seemed to be going well enough at least, I thought. Over the last two days, he'd not wanted to leave his house simply because the animal, which he'd dubbed Sha Kai-chan Dusty Fuzzbutt, was locked in his bedroom. At this point, his mother still had no idea the kitten was there, but I knew that would change before too long as it grew into an adult cat and still needed the exercise which kittens require. The paw was mending slowly, and I knew I needed to work on convincing Gojyo to give his cat to someone who could be trusted. If he picked the right person, he might even still be able to go see the animal from time to time.

I'd just thought of that this morning, and I was eager to get out of this bizarre audience so I could go and tell him. I could already imagine the way that would brighten his face, especially since any time I talked about giving Kai-chan away his expression fell considerably.

What's more, I was anxious to let him be alone at the house. On Sunday, I hadn't seen much of Gojyo, but at least I'd known Jien was at home to look after him the best he could. Yesterday, Jien went to work, but I was able to slip through the window, and we'd played, quietly, with the kitten for most of the morning. I'd even brought a ball of yarn for it, though it had a hard time playing with its injuries.

Today, there was no telling how long I had to be here. Judging from the letter I'd received, I was in quite a bit of trouble, and I thought it was possible they might not even want to let me leave at all.

That idea agitated me enough to clear my throat and call across the room, "Excuse me."

The audience chamber was not a particularly large space, but it was mostly empty, save for the torches mounted to the walls and the three chairs sitting in front of me. My voice echoed around us, and the elders ceased their whispering and frowned down at me. Their seats were arranged on a dais, elevating them a few feet over me, and each of them wore stern, unforgiving expressions. On the far left, the man who'd delivered the letter to me stood smugly by with his hands slipped into his sleeves.

"I hate to interrupt," I explained, "but I do have plans for the rest of the day, if you wouldn't mind perhaps letting me in on what it is I did to be summoned here." I flashed a smile, struggling to hide my impatience.

"Don't you know already why you've been summoned here?" the man in the middle asked severely, snowy beard and eyebrows quivering. I couldn't remember the last time anyone had spoken to me in such a condescending manner or made me feel like such a child. He truly sounded as if I ought to know already what I'd done wrong, so I pondered it. I assumed this had to do with my encounter with the police a few weeks ago. It was the only thing I could think of, because outside of that, I'd been cautious to always lay low and not stir up too much trouble.

With a pang of dread, I wondered if it was something else after all. Suppose Jien had reported me? His mother may have done it even. If they truly believed I was out to cause them harm, they may have complained to the elders.

Fortunately, I didn't have to wonder about it for long before an old woman with a hissing voice spoke up, leaning forward in her chair to shake a bamboo staff at me. "It's no good to lie about it, young man. Have some decency. Young people these days." She sat back again, muttering to herself.

The man on the right wheezed, coughing into his fist, "We received a report from our captain of the guard that you threatened him and his men."

That was it after all. I couldn't exactly feel relieved, but at least the grievance didn't center around the Sha family. I didn't want to make things any more difficult for Gojyo.

"What do you have to say for yourself, young man?" the old woman demanded, with the air of a strict grandmother.

"Yes, I did threaten them," I agreed after thinking another second about it. Arguing would do no good seeing how it was the word of an official against me, a complete stranger in this town with no one but a child to vouch for my character. "However, they were detaining and brutalizing a child without due cause. I felt it necessary to free him, though I can't say my conduct was particularly honorable. I was overwhelmed by emotion." And after all, I hadn't hurt anyone. I could have killed all three officers, and then I'd really be in trouble.

The elders murmured amongst themselves about that. "A child?" the wheezing elder asked in a wondering tone. "Our officers in this town are upstanding men. They said nothing about a prisoner." He finished with a cough.

"What child?" the woman demanded shrilly.

"Sha Gojyo."

His name was like a bad word to them. They all showed visible signs of discomfort. The wheezing man made a sign against evil, and the woman went so far as to spit on the floor. The bearded elder murmured, "that child," eyes going quite wide.

"They believed—falsely—that he'd stolen something, and their actions toward him were deplorable. He and I are friends, and I did what I did to protect him."

"That little monster is hardly worth the trouble," the woman sneered.

It was difficult to keep an even tone when I heard those words, but I managed. "I felt that he was, Ma'am. I couldn't abandon him to their abuse."

The bearded elder, who I sensed to be the highest authority among them, reminded us, "We are not here to discuss the value of Sha Gojyo. Sir, I'm sure you understand threatening an officer of the law—whatever the reason—is no small offense."

"Yes," I agreed. "It was an act of poor judgment." Nearly everything I'd done here in this time was.

"You've also been accused of attacking a local vendor—a sword salesman—Hinato Raekishima. Do you deny that?"

Slowly, I shook my head. "Again, the swordsman was attacking Gojyo over something he didn't do. I was afraid for his life, and I stepped in." I remembered that I hadn't even known at the time who I was defending, I'd only seen his similarities to my own friend and felt compelled to take action, but I liked to think I would have done it on the behalf of any child. I wanted to think _anyone_ would, but then, I knew better than to expect very much from people.

For a time, the elders sat there pondering my words and exchanging questioning looks. The wheezing elder coughed and said in a dry voice, "You've really defended the boy then, as we've heard."

"I have, yes. I can't condone the things I've done, but I also can't regret them. I did those things in the service of a friend, because I felt they were just."

I waited anxiously for them to speak again. These accusations were strong enough that they might want to punish me, imprison me even, and I certainly couldn't allow that to happen. I couldn't be stuck in this time.

At last, the middle elder spoke up, voice clear with authority and disapproval, "Cho Hakkai, you are a traveler, correct?"

"Yes, sir, I'm merely passing through."

"Then do you believe your actions can be justified on the basis that you didn't expect to be around long enough to reap the repercussions of what you did?"

Did I think that? When I'd saved Gojyo from Raeki I hadn't known yet where I was, but I hadn't planned to stay around long. When I threatened the officers though, that was another matter. I hadn't come to a decision yet about leaving Gojyo to the fate awaiting him like a gathering storm on the horizon. It could be my carelessness was all a product of thinking I could go away without disturbing anything, as if I'd never existed.

"I do believe in consequences," I assured them finally. "Of course I know better than to think I could do anything so severe and not have it come back to me in some form."

"We're not talking about karma," the wheezing elder sniffed. "What Elder Tantra is asking is if you thought you could visit our town for a brief time, behaving however you wanted, and expect to leave without any consequences whatsoever."

"No." I shook my head truthfully. "I am aware that there could be a high penalty for everything I've done here. As I've said, my only excuse is that I did these things in question out of my love for another person and my desire to protect him."

They showed no sign that my words touched their hearts in the slightest.

Combing his fingers through his beard, Elder Tantra said, "This is not a town which tolerates violence, Cho Hakkai. I don't know what things are like where _you_ come from, but here we value an orderly conduct in all our citizens."

I barely bit back a laugh. "With all due respect, I've seen no sign of that, sir. From children torturing cats, to sword vendors attempting to cut off a boy's hand, to so-called upstanding officers harassing and abusing an innocent child, I've certainly seen that your citizens are _not_ held to a very high standard of conduct."

They grumbled unhappily.

"To say nothing of that woman Sha Gojyo has been left to, whom I'm sure you know beats and terrorizes him on a daily basis. If you truly valued civilized behavior in this town you'd place him with someone who's not lusting after his blood."

Elder Tantra frowned deeply. "I say this only because you clearly have an acute, albeit questionable interest in the boy, but Sha Gojyo is where he is because none of his natural relatives had any interest in housing him after the death of his parents. I placed him there myself so that he could be with his brother—his next of kin."

"His next of kin is only recently a man, sir. I find it appalling that this entire town has looked the other way while his stepmother abuses him. I certainly can't be sorry for taking wayward actions to protect him when I know what he goes through constantly, and when I fear the worst for how his situation will end. It's a case of clear negligence on the part of every responsible adult in this town, including yourselves."

With a ragged sigh, Elder Tantra sat back in his chair, gazing up at the dark ceiling as he thought. Presently, he admitted, "Perhaps it must be reassessed where the boy lives out the remainder of his childhood."

My heart leapt with unexpected hope. I had never even thought to try and bring Gojyo's circumstances to anyone's attention, but if they truly reconsidered where he ought to be living, it was possible she'd never have her opportunity to make an attempt on his life.

The question remained whether or not he and I would meet later on, and that fact endangered my very existence, but it would be selfish to prioritize that over his well-being.

"Perhaps it must be," the woman agreed icily, "but just now that isn't our greatest concern. Our concern is with the inappropriate conduct of this stranger." She leveled a despising stare on me.

"I agree," the wheezing elder chimed in, struggling to contain his cough. "Whether or not Sha Gojyo is being treated fairly can be investigated later."

"I don't think much investigation will be necessary, Ojiisan," I said politely. "The home he lives in is ill-kept, his brother struggles to support all three of them, and _she—"_

"Elder Koshikomakomura is right," Elder Tantra interrupted. "These rumors are something we'll have to look into later. For the time being, this hearing is about _your_ behavior, Cho Hakkai."

Regardless, I didn't let the hope die. If I could stay here long enough to look after him, it could be they'd investigate after all, and they'd see easily enough that Gojyo was not living in a safe and happy environment. They'd have no choice but to remove him and place him somewhere better. I could wait in this town, in this place, for that to happen. That would be worthwhile.

"In the meantime," Elder Tantra went on in his booming voice, "your behavior cannot be tolerated."

"I have no intention of doing anything like that again," I assured them. "I have no desire to stir up trouble in your town."

"Unfortunately, your real intentions are questionable, and we have no familiarity with your qualities. We have no way of knowing whether or not you can be trusted."

I opened my mouth to assure them that I wanted nothing but to pass some time, peacefully, in their town.

"Because you claim to have done those things out of a desire to protect one of this town's children, you will not be punished as most offenders would be."

"I thank you for that," I said with a bow. Again, it wouldn't do to be imprisoned here, and I didn't think my crimes were severe enough to deserve execution—not this time.

"You must leave though," he said, glaring sternly at me. "You are no longer welcome in our town."

My mouth fell open. " _Leave_? Ojiisan, I have important business in this town. I can't just—"

"You have one week to finish whatever business you have. If you've not departed by then, we'll have no choice but to re-examine our own judgment, and we may find more drastic actions are necessary."

"Sir, one week isn't—"

"That is my decree," he announced coolly. "This hearing is concluded. You may go now, Cho Hakkai, and do your best not to disturb the peace in my town for the remainder of your stay."

Still I stood gaping up at them, stammering, wanting to argue, knowing it was futile.

Two guardsmen approached on either side of me, taking hold of my arms to usher me out, and before I knew it I was on the street again, standing in a daze as the townspeople herded past me. I turned to look up in disbelief at the elder's one-tiered pagoda-style building, with the sun rising above it, and I could hardly believe what had just happened. I'd always prided myself on being able to reason my way out of most things, but I hadn't been expecting to be so summarily exiled. Part of me wished to storm back in and demand that the elders reconsider. I even toyed with the idea of explaining the true nature of the situation, but that would likely only get me labeled as a madman.

Haltingly, still looking back over my shoulder, I stepped down into the street and began to wander, trying to think of what I should do next. Clearly I was making more of a mess here than I'd ever intended to, and in all likelihood I _did_ need to leave. Being told to leave even provided me with some excuse to give Gojyo should he complain about my going, and the only difficulty that might remain would be if he insisted on coming with me.

Aimlessly, I wandered the streets, pondering this new development. For a moment, I had honestly believed I might be able to stay long enough to see Gojyo placed under better care, but I highly doubted the elders would attend to that business within a week. For all I knew, they never would.

A week might not even be long enough to see to it that Gojyo's kitten made a full recovery and found a good home, and I'd promised to help him with that. He wouldn't understand why I had to leave before coming through on that.

No, I told myself. He'd understand I'd been told to leave town, but that wouldn't ease his pain in the slightest. Regardless of what conditions I left under, he wouldn't be happy to see me go. He wouldn't refrain from begging me to stay or take him along.

I'd known from the beginning that I was fighting a losing battle here, trying to prevent history without actually _changing_ history. I thought suddenly that, since I couldn't do anything about any of this, I might as well go immediately back to my machine and return to my own time. But I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't leave without so much as a good bye, especially not when I understood what was still hanging over him.

At last I turned toward his house, resolving to do the best I could with what little time I had left.

 **Past Gojyo**

I waited around all morning for Hakkai to show up. I knew he had his hearing with the elders today, and I couldn't help worrying about it. I didn't know what he'd done to get their attention, but it wasn't like them to summon people out of nowhere like this, especially not travelers, so I didn't think it was just because they wanted to say hello or shake his hand.

As I saw Jien off to work, I was worried enough to ask him about it.

He frowned hurriedly at me, barely pausing to answer. "The elders? I dunno, Gojyo. I never met them…"

"Why would they summon Hakkai though?" I insisted, chasing him to the edge of the yard.

"I have no idea. Did he do something wrong?" His tone almost sounded sarcastic, like he knew Hakkai had done something wrong.

"No." I couldn't help snapping. "He ain't done nothing since he came here except try and take care of me."

"Right," Jien snorted. "Then I don't know, Gojyo. I guess you'll have to ask him about it when he comes back."

I hesitated at the fence, watching him heft the axe to his shoulder and adjust his rucksack. "What if he doesn't come back?" I whispered.

At that, he finally faced me full-on, meeting my gaze. Slowly, he said, "Look, he's coming back. Why wouldn't he?"

I was scared to say anything, but when I thought about it I knew Hakkai _had_ done some stuff here that other people wouldn't like. I didn't think it was impossible for him to be in trouble. And even without all that, the way he reacted when he got the notice that he'd been summoned filled in the gaps. People just didn't act that troubled without a good reason—something about that letter had upset him, enough that I wouldn't even be surprised if he just went back to his weird vehicle in the woods and ran away. Except I was sure he wouldn't leave without telling me. Pretty sure anyway.

Jien cut into my thoughts. "Goj, if he's not back by the time I come home, we'll go find out what happened to him. Deal?"

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was a little. He hated Hakkai so much, I didn't expect him to offer to do that.

More seriously, he added, "I'm just worried about you being here alone with her. Play outside today, okay? At least until he shows up."

I nodded.

He laid his hand on my head, lightly scratching my scalp, and I could see the worry in his eyes. "I'll come back and check on you at lunch time, okay?"

"You don't have to," I mumbled. "You need to eat, Jien."

"I'm gonna though. You just look after yourself."

Nodding, I watched him hurry up the road, probably running just a little late now, and then I turned to go back inside.

Mom wasn't up yet, so I tiptoed back to my room, even though I'd said I'd stay outside at least until Hakkai came. I didn't like leaving Kai-chan alone. He slept a lot and he couldn't be very active with his injured paw, but if he got fussy and scratched at the door or meowed too loudly, Mom would find him.

I didn't see what difference it made if I stayed inside or out anyway. Mom hadn't been able to touch me ever since she met Hakkai, and she knew she couldn't do anything to me now. She might still say mean things to me if I ran into her in the hallway, but mostly she'd been ignoring me, lying around all day, watching TV or sleeping. I could live with whatever mean things she had to say. I was just glad to get a break from her hitting me.

My room was nice in the mornings. During the hot parts of the day, the upper level of the house got really stuffy, but before noon it stayed cool, and the light was soft. Right now it smelled a little like cat litter, but it wasn't so bad, and I was actually pretty proud of myself for keeping up with the box. It might be kind of nice to just go back to bed until Hakkai came around. Maybe play with the kitten a little, feed and water him, and then just curl up together before it got really hot out. These days, my room felt like a sanctuary. As I walked in, I picked up the plastic panda Hakkai had gotten me and set it back on the dresser. Kai-chan must have knocked it off.

Turning to look for him, I froze at the sight of Mom sitting on the edge of my bed, wrapped in her lavender bathrobe, hair glowing in the sunlight as she gazed out the window. She didn't have any makeup on yet, and she looked like she'd just woken up. It had been a while since I was face to face with her like this, and when she turned to face me I nearly ran out of the room.

Kai-chan was huddled on her lap, nervously, like maybe he didn't want to be there exactly, but she stroked his fur gently.

"I see you made another new friend," Mom said. "Where did he come from?"

"T-Taro and his friends had him," I managed to say, quietly though. "I think they broke his paw."

Mom studied his injured foot, dragging her nails down from his head along his spine.

"I-I was gonna keep him…just until he gets better… Then I thought I could find a home for him."

She continued to stroke him from ears to tail. Kai-chan started purring and settled deeper into her lap.

The sight made me feel a little better, and I eased toward her. "Unless you say it's okay to keep him."

Again, she met my eyes, eyebrows furrowing together in a question.

"I mean, he's a real good cat—I bet he'd be good at catching mice, and he could even keep you company when we're away."

Thoughtfully, she studied me.

"Isn't he cute?" I tried to smile. "He's really friendly too. For a stray. He likes to play and snuggle, and he's really soft." I dared to reach out and scratch him behind the ears, flinching automatically as I expected her to hit me.

She didn't though, just kept staring into my eyes.

"I think he'd make a great pet," I went on. "And I would take care of him. Maybe we could just…hang on to him for a little while, and if you don't like him I can still find him a better home."

Behind my back, I crossed my fingers. I couldn't think of any reason for her to say no. He was just a little cat; he could be useful. It seemed like she liked him, holding him and petting him like that.

"You really like him, don't you?" she murmured at last. "You really want to keep him?"

I nodded thoroughly. "Yeah. I think he'd brighten the place up." I smiled at the thought. Kai-chan would definitely be good at that. When his paw healed, I knew he'd be running everywhere and jumping on everything. Who knew what kinds of crazy cat things he'd do? He'd make us all laugh. Maybe he could bring us together.

Mom stood up suddenly, picking him up by the neck.

Kai-chan yowled and thrashed in her hand, clawing at the air.

The smile fell off my face. "Um. Mom?"

Her shawl fell away from her shoulders as she wrapped both hands around his throat, lacing her fingers together. He spat and hissed and howled.

"Mom! You're hurting him!"

I watched her tighten her grip, cutting off the awful sounds he was making, but he kept kicking and swiping at the air, scratching wildly at her hand and gasping for breath. His little face screwed up in pain, and he bared his teeth in a terrified grimace.

"Mom! Stop!"

Her expression was drawn in hatred and violence, eyes narrow, mouth snarling, arms trembling as she strangled the life out of him.

"Mom!" I threw myself at her, trying to wrench him away from her, but she wouldn't let go, and his movements were getting slow and stiff. "Mom! Mom, please! Please stop! You'll kill him!"

Kai-chan whipped his head back and forth. I knew he couldn't breathe.

"Mom!" I screamed, beating against her arm. "Mom!" I even kicked her, but she just acted like I wasn't there, glaring with that crazy hate at my cat.

"Mom, stop!"

At last, she let him go, dumping the body on the floor. He lay twitching, foam gathering around his lips, eyes gaping.

"Kai!" I dropped on my knees next to him, touching his fur and wondering how to find his pulse. "Kai-chan, no!"

She stood over me, voice like ice. "There. Now you can have him stuffed. And keep him forever."

She turned on her heel and walked away, slamming the door behind her.

All at once I was bawling. I hadn't cried in so long I didn't even know where the tears came from, they just burst from my eyes while sobs tore from my chest, and I sat there, petting his fur and screaming for him to wake up, shaking him, knowing he was gone. I lifted him into my arms, cradling him against my chest and lowering my head. Tenderly, I touched his injured paw and fingered the white star on his chest, choking and gasping, "Wake up! Kitty, wake up! Please wake up!" He was still so soft and warm. I wanted to believe he'd come back to me. Maybe she just knocked him out. But time wore on, and the light got brighter, and the room got hotter, and Kai-chan wouldn't wake up.

How could she do this? Why? He never did anything to her. He never did anything to _anyone_ to deserve any of this!

I fell to my face on the floor, crying so hard I almost couldn't breathe, and I cuddled his body against me until I felt it starting to stiffen and cool off.

Crying wouldn't help. It wouldn't bring him back. It wouldn't change what she did or the fact that she'd obviously done it just because she hated me. It just made me a loser.

So what though? I _was_ a loser. I just stood there and watched her kill him. I was helpless, and that made me the biggest loser.

"I'm so sorry!" I choked. "I am so, so sorry!"

Bawling all the harder, I curled up into a ball and squeezed him as tight as I dared. A very real pain splintered through my chest, and I felt like I was dying.

 **Hakkai**

At Gojyo's house, I knew something was wrong immediately. Something simply didn't feel right.

Originally, I'd expected to be back here after an hour or even less—I honestly hadn't expected my hearing with the elders to go the way it had—now that seemed pretentious.

Worriedly, I looked at Jeep. "I should have left you here at least."

He crooned, bobbing his head.

Approaching the front door, I saw no sign of Gojyo. Normally he waited in the yard for me, or at least stood post at the window, watching, but now the house was dark and looked almost empty, and I feared the worse.

All the same, I knocked firmly on the front door. I had to repeat the action several times before she answered.

She glared out at me, venomously. "What do you want?"

"Where's Gojyo?" I demanded, not bothering with manners.

She didn't either. "In his room." She turned and padded back to the couch where she was watching early morning talk shows. "Why don't you just take him away already? He's a curse on this house."

I seethed. "Believe me, I'd _love_ to." I remembered my conversation with the elders though, the possibility that they might look into getting him away from her, and I knew I had to keep calm and not do anything to jeopardize that.

She went back to her program, and I jogged up the stairs, thinking it was strange for him to be upstairs instead of waiting for me, but then he had the cat to keep him company, and the little creature's comfort and happiness had been his primary concern for the last few days. I told myself I was just imagining things, alarming myself because he'd been alone here with her since Jien left for work at seven in the morning.

She'd be a fool, I reminded myself as I approached his door, to lay a hand on him now. I'd warned her about the consequences.

"Gojyo." I knocked softly on his door, even though I felt certain he must be awake by now. It was past eleven. Nevertheless, I found it odd that I didn't hear any muffled laughter or other signs that he was simply involved in playing with the kitten. I knocked again, firmer this time, and Jeep bristled on my shoulder. "Gojyo? May I come in?"

After knocking a third time with no response, I felt considerably alarmed, and I let myself in.

The scene I stumbled onto was horrifying. Gojyo lay in the fetal position on his floor, the cat flaccid in his arms. My heart slammed at first, fearing the worst, but he sat up slowly and looked at me with an expression so tortured it never should have appeared on the face of an eleven-year-old in the first place.

"My God, are you all right?" I rushed to his side immediately, checking him for injuries, but he didn't appear to be hurt. His face was splotchy and his eyes were red like he'd been crying, and I still saw tears glistening there. As I looked at him, one made the long journey down to his chin.

Having never seen him cry before, not even when Raeki threatened to cut his hand off, I felt considerably disturbed. For a second, my mind blurred with every possibility, and then I looked inevitably at the cat draped limply across his lap. I realized it was dead.

Shrieking, Jeep flew from my shoulder and landed on the floor beside Gojyo to make his own inspection, nudging at the body several times.

"What happened?" I gasped. I didn't know what to do first. Instinctively, I felt the kitten's body, just to be sure it wasn't breathing. It was cold. "What happened?" My hands fluttered up to stroke Gojyo's hair and rub his shoulder. "What happened?" I dried the tear off his cheek. I touched the kitten again. I wanted to take it from him so he wouldn't have to look at it. I wanted to hold him until all the pain I saw in his eyes dissipated. I couldn't fix this though.

"She killed him," he grated out in a voice that told me he'd cried and screamed for hours. "She just…killed him. Right in front of me."

A horrible vision invaded my mind, of her murdering the cat while he begged her not to, of her going back down to watch television while he curled up wailing. It was so awful I nearly started crying myself.

"I shouldn't have brought him here," Gojyo babbled suddenly. "I shouldn't have bothered helping him in the first place. I shoulda known better—I shoulda known I'd get him killed!" He crumpled up again, pressing his face into the kitten's fur and starting to cry all over again. "I can't have anything!" he screamed. "I can't _ever_ have _anything!_ "

Sick realization hit my gut, and I clasped my hand over my mouth. I understood suddenly, all too well.

The urge to leap up and storm back downstairs and kill her then and there hit me. I felt the hunting knife riding on my hip, under my coat, and I could see it all—the way her white flesh would split and the crimson that would gush forth and spray the room, the gurgling scream of a horrified ending, her corpse sprawled across the floor, the glazed look in her eyes as she spent the last few moments of consciousness trying to make sense of what had happened.

The fantasy of warm, coppery smelling blood was so lucid I nearly got to my feet and went to make it a reality.

But Gojyo was screaming hysterically on the floor in front of me, with Jeep lying over his head, wings spread, shrieking his sympathies, and I couldn't. Not now.

"It's my fault," Gojyo wailed over and over again. "It's my fault! It's my fault!" He crushed the kitten's corpse against his chest until I heard its tiny bones twisting, and I knew I had to do something.

"Gojyo!" I leaned over him suddenly, prying the kitten's body away from him. "Hush. Hush. That's enough of that."

"I got him killed, Hakkai!" he shouted.

"No, no. No, no, no." I swept the hair away from his damp face, tucking it behind his ear, and squeezed his shoulder. "No, that isn't true. It's not. You were trying to help. It's not your fault. She killed him because…" Words couldn't describe the heinous reason behind what she'd done. "She's responsible, Gojyo. Not you."

"I shoulda left him where he was!" he howled. "At least then I wouldn't have to watch him fucking die!"

Not sure what else to do, I heaved him up from the floor and pressed him tightly to my chest, hugging him as tightly as I could, feeling him all but hyperventilate in my arms. I ran my fingers through his hair and rocked him, letting him cry a while, alternating between thinking of the things I'd like to do to her for this and the things I should be trying to do to comfort him. I didn't know though. In all the time I'd known Gojyo, I'd never seen him this distraught. I wouldn't even know how to begin to approach such agony, and it didn't help that this was a gentler, softer version of him.

At last, when it seemed he'd worn himself out and the crying had died down to intermittent whimpering, I whispered in his ear, "Gojyo-chan, let me tell you something. All right? You are the kindest, sweetest, most giving person I know." I hated so much that she would tamper with that. I hated so, so much that she wanted to destroy those qualities. "You didn't know this would happen— _I_ didn't know. It isn't your fault. You can't take responsibility for the evil things other people do, little friend. You'll make yourself absolutely sick."

"But I brought him here," he moaned between sobs. "I let her hurt him. I stood there. I watched."

"No, no." I stroked his hair again. "I know you. I know that isn't what you did. I know you did everything you could to stop her—and it isn't your fault you couldn't." I lifted his chin, forcing him to meet my eyes. "You're good, Gojyo. You're very, very good. Don't confuse the good things you do for anything bad."

He simply stared at me through the tears.

"Come on now," I lifted him to his feet. "Let's get you out of this despicable place." I made him stand out in the hallway while I collected the poor kitten and wrapped it up in a blanket. I didn't know what to do with it. I imagined an impromptu burial might provide the most closure. After that, I couldn't discern what to do next or how to even begin repairing the damage she'd done.

With the bundled up cat under one arm and my hand on Gojyo's shoulder, I guided him downstairs. I knew I should go straight past her without a word, but I simply didn't have the strength. I couldn't keep from stopping just behind the couch to hiss at her, "You're despicable. I don't know how you live with yourself."

She didn't bother looking at me as she murmured, "What are you so angry about? You told me not to touch him—I didn't."

A new understanding hit me so hard I could have fallen over. I stared down at Gojyo, mouth falling open, but I knew he didn't understand—he was too caught up in his distress. I did though. She did this because she wanted to hurt him, and my being around had made it so she couldn't. If I _hadn't_ been around, in all likelihood, the regular beatings would have continued.

No… If I hadn't been around, Gojyo never would have brought the cat home in the first place. He would have gotten the snot knocked out of him by Taro's gang and the kitten would have run away in the commotion.

For all I knew, if I hadn't taken him with me to go look at my time machine that morning, he wouldn't have even been in that part of town at that time and _found_ the kitten at all.

I had changed the course of his history, and judging by how emotional he was over it, I'd done so in a monumental way. After all, to the best of my knowledge, Gojyo hadn't shed as much as a tear since very early childhood. This heart wrenching display was not to be taken lightly, not to be brushed off.

Furthermore, if he retained any latent trauma from watching his stepmother strangle his pet kitten I had seen no sign of it. Not that he interacted with cats regularly, but it seemed to me that this was something he would have mentioned, at least in passing, over the last three years.

I felt sure of it then. This had not happened to the Gojyo I knew in my time. This had only happened to _this_ Gojyo because I was here.

Seizing him by the hand, I jerked him away from her and out into the back yard, and all that fury I'd been feeling suddenly turned inward.

 _What am I doing_? I wondered as I dug the grave. _Why am I still here, tampering with the past; clearly I'm only making things worse._

Of course I was. As I'd thought earlier, it was impossible to make them better without changing everything entirely.

 _I should leave… I'm such a fool. I should have left a long, long time ago, but this… This is too much._

What else had happened strictly because I'd been here?

I made my way back through the days as I deposited the kitten into the grave and covered it again.

I'd put Raekishima out of commission, and that, along with my encounter with Taro, had led to the issue with the cops, which had led to the hearing this morning, which had led to this. I'd altered dozens and dozens of things I felt sure, some more tremendously than others. I'd changed everything.

And yet I had the audacity to berate Jien for going through my wallet, as if anything he'd found there could make the slightest difference.

 _Hakkai… You incredible idiot. What have you done?_

When the kitten was buried the three of us hovered over the grave in silence for some minutes, and then I uttered a short eulogy, not knowing what else to do, only grasping at straws for any way to help Gojyo deal with this, and then we turned away together and walked back into town.

It seemed my little friend was finished crying for the time being, probably exhausted from the emotional turmoil, and he stared straight ahead with glazed eyes, not even blinking, as if he'd gone somewhere very far away.

Nothing I said stirred him out of that reverie, so I took him back to the inn where I was staying and gave him some food, sat by, watching him pick disinterestedly at it, struggling to think of anything to say.

Our day passed slowly that way, mostly in silence. I put the TV on and scanned the channels until I found a cartoon I vaguely recollected from my own childhood. I'd never watched it myself, but the other orphans used to gather together for it on weekends. I simply wanted to give him a way out of his own head—after all, not thinking about things had always been Gojyo's greatest defense mechanism.

Well into the evening, I sat with him, turning my dilemma over and over in my head. It seemed if I stayed here even one day more I could make things even worse, and now of course I wasn't even _allowed_ to stay much longer. I battled with my conscience over the thought. On one hand, it was all too convenient for me to simply get in my time machine and leave the mess I'd made for someone else to clean up, and it felt selfish even. I deserved to suffer through this if only because it wasn't fair for him to suffer alone.

On the other hand, things were completely out of my control now. Maybe the real selfish thing to do would be to stay and force him to endure more and more hardships he'd never been meant to face.

It occurred to me that even if the elders had expelled me from this town, I could go live in the woods, staying close by in case he needed me. I just couldn't imagine abandoning him.

Who knew though what might come of that? When we reached the point where she attempted to kill him, what then? Leave him to his fate? How could I explain that to him?

How could I even think of leaving? How could I stay in a time I didn't belong in? How could I justify my next move to myself or to anyone else?

Inevitably, I thought of my roommate, wondering how he was passing these days I'd been away? By this time, he must think I was never coming back, and surely he wouldn't be happy about that, but what would he think if he could see my situation now? What would he want me to do? Go and be there for him? Stay and protect this child to the degree that it literally jeopardized my existence? I wished he were here for me to confide in.

I also missed Goku and Sanzo. Sanzo's wisdom would be most welcome at this time. I tried to imagine what he would say, but he was pragmatic to a fault, and I already knew what he would think of all this.

If only they'd tried harder to talk me out of building the time machine. Then again, I couldn't think of any words that could have deterred me.

Seeing Goku would be a breath of fresh air. He would understand, I thought, seeing how he navigated through life more with his heart than his mind. He would know better than the other two how impossible this situation was for me, and I would certainly welcome his simple way of addressing things. Everything seemed easier through the scope of Goku's moral compass.

 _I can't have my cake and eat it too._

Angrily, I told myself I never should have come here.

Evening wore into night, and Gojyo and I sat in the dim lamplight. I studied his pale face, but it still wore that mask of unadulterated agony, and I didn't know how to get him to stop blaming himself.

"Gojyo," I said, in a soft, tentative tone. "I have to tell you something. But…you're not going to like it."

He continued to stare into the darkness, not acknowledging me.

"My meeting with the elders this morning…it didn't go well." I drew a deep breath, not knowing what madness possessed me to bring this up now, other than it might be for the best if I left at once. "I'm afraid I can't stay in this town much longer. A few more days…"

"Where're you gonna go?" he wondered.

His cold tone made me pause. "I'm not sure. It might be wisest to cut my losses and go home."

Little Gojyo nodded, and understanding seeped into his expression. He even shifted in his seat, as if uncomfortable. "Will you take me with you?"

Sighing deeply, I stroked Jeep's head, thinking for several moments about the possible ramifications of taking him back to the future with me. What a fool I was to come so recklessly into uncharted territory. "Well…I don't know. I'm not sure that would be the best idea. That is, I'm not sure I _can_."

Slowly, he turned to look at me. "You would just leave me here?"

"Not because I want to," I assured him gently. "It's just… Gojyo-chan, you can't even begin to imagine the impossible circumstances under which I'm currently functioning."

Immediately, the words made me feel like an absolute cad, saying such a thing to him of all people, and based on the expression he gave me, he felt the same way.

"It's complicated," I amended. "It's not even a matter of where I want to go or whom I want to be with. It's a matter of consequences."

I could see he didn't understand. Perhaps that concept was more than he could get his eleven-year-old brain around.

"Believe me, I understand that you're blaming yourself for what happened today, but I fear that may have been _my_ fault rather than yours, and that makes me think I could inadvertently cause you even more pain and difficulty."

"Not if you take me with you."

"Yes, well, I'd like to think taking you with me could be a solution, that I could protect you from now on…but circumstances being what they are—"

" _What_ circumstances?" he asked snappishly.

Perhaps, I thought, I ought to tell him the truth after all. Perhaps he'd understand better what the nature of our dilemma was, and perhaps he'd have an easier time with my departure. Perhaps being honest was what I should have done right from the beginning.

Or perhaps he'd think me deranged, or else believe I was merely deceiving him for some diabolical reason.

At last, I murmured, "I'm afraid I can't explain…"

Scowling, he looked away again, and then he suddenly got up and went to lie on the bed, despite the fact that it was only a bit past eight. "Whatever." He lit a cigarette, and the hard edge in his voice sounded very much like his adult counterpart's cynicism. "I can't make friends, and I sure as hell can't keep them. If you're gonna go, just go. You don't have to waste time explaining anything to me."

Reproachfully, I said, "Gojyo-chan, it isn't like that. I don't _want_ to leave you, I'm just afraid I might be doing more harm than good, interfering in your life."

"I don't see how you could think that. But whatever. I can't make you stay."

Sadly, I watched him turn his back to me, knowing this was only further evidence of the mess I had made, and there was no undoing it now. In time, I got up and shut off the lights and lay down next to him on the bed. We were quiet, listening to the sounds of the town dying into the night, and I bent my every brain

cell toward trying to find some answer that would at least make it so he could be okay.

"I'm very sorry," I whispered finally, not even sure if he was still awake to hear me. "It pains me to know your life is this way to begin with, and even more so to think I've contributed to that pain in the slightest. Frankly, I'd prefer it if you would blame me for these catastrophic events rather than turn any of these emotions inward, because no matter what she's led you to believe, you are the victim in all of this."

I thought I felt him shudder.

I added softly, "All I ever wanted was to help you, Gojyo-chan."

With a ragged squeak of pain, he turned against me, wrapping his arms around my chest and grabbing bunches of my shirt. He pressed his face to my shoulder, sobbing and clinging to me tightly.

It was all I could do to embrace him and listen as he cried himself to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Jien**

At lunch time, I left work and hurried back to the house. I knew I'd have to give up eating, but I had promised my brother I'd come by to check on him. When I got there, he was gone, and Mom was watching TV. I had to assume that meant Hakkai had picked him up. I grabbed some fruit and some water before running back to work, and ate it on my way there. I felt relieved as I went through the rest of my shift. All morning I'd worried about Gojyo, and skipping lunch was worth it to know he was probably okay.

Later in the evening, I got home to find Mom sitting alone in the kitchen without any lights on, combing her hair in the last few rays of the setting sun, smiling and humming to herself.

With an anxious glance around the house, I laid my axe by the door. There was no sign of Gojyo, but I had to assume that just meant he was still with Hakkai. They'd be back soon.

Hakkai usually fed him, so I turned the kitchen lights on and whipped up a quick pot of soup for Mom and me. "Did you have a good day?" I asked her, noticing again that she wore a quiet and satisfied smile.

"Yes, I did," she agreed.

"That's good." Hopefully that signified that she was coming out of her slump. I hadn't seen her so depressed in a long time. She was never a happy person—except for in my earliest memories, before my father's affair with Gojyo's mom, but these last few weeks had been hair-raising. I could barely sleep at night, wondering what she was thinking and what she would do. She'd been taking it out on me, sneaking into my room, coercing me to have sex with her, and that had been going on for so long now, I didn't know how to tell her no. It seemed like I didn't even have a right to say no anymore.

The memory of the first time she kissed me invaded my head, filling my memory with gritty, lucid details of her lips against mine and her hand touching me in all the wrong places. I was only fifteen—maybe sixteen—and I didn't know how to stop her then either. It had seemed to make her happy… I didn't know how to deny her that in the face of everything else.

My stomach felt sick, and I couldn't look at her. I couldn't speak to her. I suddenly didn't know how I could go on living this way for even one more minute. No wonder Seita didn't want to spend any time with me. It must be all over town that I was fucking my own mother.

Appetite lost, I dumped the half-heated soup down the drain.

Mom spoke up brightly, "How was your day, Jien dear?"

"Fine," I grumbled, staring at the puddles of off-white in the sink basin. It was stupid to waste even a drop of it, but it was a chowder I'd eaten ever since I was a kid, and like everything else around me, it just reminded me of how sour and impossibly sickening my life had become.

 _I never wanted any of this_.

"You know, I found something interesting in the little monster's room this morning," she went on in that conversational tone.

The little monster could only be my brother, and I turned reluctantly to her. It must be the cat. What else could it be? I was so stupid to let him keep that for even a couple of days.

She was back to raking the brush through her hair, letting handfuls of flaxen locks fall to the floor around her. "It seems he picked up a little kitten somewhere and brought it here, into my home, without permission." She giggled, like it was just a silly thing for a kid to do.

Dumbly, I watched her brush and brush and brush. It almost looked like she was _trying_ to rip out clumps of her hair, and her eyes were glazed with a touch of insanity. My heart clenched.

"I wonder why he thought that was a good idea. You know I don't approve of pets."

"I-I think he just wanted to help it get better… He wasn't going to keep it."

She fixed a stern look on me. "You knew about it then."

"I was going to talk to you about it. I thought it would be okay for a little while." A new idea hit me, and my mouth went totally dry. "Where is it?"

"Oh." She gave an especially violent jerk on her hair. "You know, he ruins everything he touches anyway."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I doubt he's responsible enough, is all," she explained, in what was almost a motherly voice. "I doubt that abomination is capable of caring for another living creature. So I put it out of its misery."

So casually she dropped those cold words, I couldn't even understand them at first, and I had to ask, "Wait a minute. What?"

"Sometimes it's better, you know. To die than to be kept in cruel hands."

"What are you telling me? Where's the cat?"

"I told you, Jien," she said, still using that tone that almost mimicked that of a concerned mom. "I put it out of its misery. It's dead."

For a long time, I was too dumbfounded to speak or move. I realized I wasn't even breathing, and I gripped the lip of the counter until my knuckles ached, while she went on yanking at her hair and humming.

I never would have expected her to do that. Sure, I knew the kitten was a bad idea, but I didn't think she'd kill it.

Maybe that wasn't true. When I caught Gojyo trying to sneak a cat up into his room I had felt a pervading sense of dread. I guess I'd known she wouldn't be happy if she found out about it, and I'd known she'd take that out on him. Still, to murder an innocent creature…I had put that past her.

Thinking about the tiny kitten and how happy it had made my brother for just a few short days, limping around on its too-large paws, kneading my lap, its tiny voice and wide eyes… Remembering the way Gojyo laughed and played and cared for it with more tenderness than I ever would have expected from him… I wanted to cry and scream and punch her in the face for taking that away from either of them.

"Jien?" she called. "What's wrong, honey?"

"What's wrong?" I echoed in a husky voice. "You killed a cat."

"I did what I thought was best," she corrected. "You know him—he would have let it starve."

Unable to listen to her, I turned to the back door. I couldn't be around her right now, and I had no idea where Gojyo had gone after she killed his kitten. He'd never tried to run away before, but I knew he'd be upset, and I had no solid proof that he was with Hakkai at all today. I knew I had to find him.

Mom grabbed my wrist. "Jien, where are you going?"

"To find my brother," I said roughly.

"But you just got home." Her voice turned wheedling and pouty. "I was looking forward to spending time with you."

"How?" I practically shouted. "How can I spend time with you? How can you even think I _want_ to after what you just told me?"

Frowning, she stood back and studied me with analytical insanity.

Clenching my fists, I forced back the desire to strike her, but I couldn't help raising my voice further. "Let me explain something to you—something I should have told you a long, long time ago. Gojyo is my _brother_!"

"Half brother," she corrected in a growling voice.

"I know that. I know Dad cheated on you."

Her spine stiffened at the words.

"I know you hate Gojyo, and I understand why, but he's still my brother, and when you hurt him, you hurt _me_! Don't you understand that?"

Mom's face paled, but her eyes began to glow poisonously. "You're the one who doesn't understand," she snapped. "That bastard is always coming between us, driving us further and further apart!"

"Maybe if you'd at least _try_ to accept him we could just be a family, Mom!"

"I'll never accept him!" she shrieked. "I'll never accept the spawn of that _bitch_ as my own! And I'm tired of sharing you, Jien! I shouldn't have to!"

"That's the way it is though, Mom!" I roared, and I knew I'd never yelled at her like this before. "Either you share me with him, or…or I don't think I can be around you at all!"

Her breath hitched as words failed her, and the hatred in her eyes was ferocious. After a silent moment, a ghoulish smile cut across her face like a ruby wound. "What are you saying Jien? You want to have a three-way with him?"

My stomach did flip flops. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Mom? It's fucked up enough that you and I sleep together—why—"

"You want us to share you!" she screamed.

"That isn't what I'm talking about! No. _No!_ I don't want to have some psychotic orgy with my mother and my eleven-year-old brother!" Even saying the words made me gag. "I don't want to do _any_ of that any more! We're never doing that again!"

She burst into tears—it was amazing to watch the hatred buckle and give way to devastation—and then she threw herself into the nearest chair, burying her face against her arms on the table and sobbing hysterically. "Oh, Jien! Jien! Don't you understand how much Mommy loves you?"

"You don't! If you did, you wouldn't let any of this happen! You wouldn't have killed my brother's cat!"

"It's all his fault!" she wailed. "It's all his fault! Why do you blame Mommy for the things that bastard does?"

"It's _your_ fault! You killed the cat! Not Gojyo! All he's ever done is try to be a good kid for you—he just wanted you to be his mom!" A splitting pang of agony shredded through me as I watched her thrash and bawl. "And I…I wanted you to be my mom too! I didn't want any of this!"

She pounded her forehead against the table, screaming loud enough for all the neighbors to hear. "Why don't you love me? Why didn't _he_ love me? Why doesn't _anyone_ love me?"

"Mom…" I stood there stupidly, torn between the desire to run out the door and the nagging sense of responsibility that told me I couldn't leave her like this. "Mom…calm down. I _do_ love you…" I thought I did anyway. Maybe. Part of me. Maybe it was just the memory of her before Gojyo ever came that I loved. "Just…you…I think you're sick… I think you need help."

She jerked upright again, reaching her trembling hands out to me, tears gushing from her reddened eyes. "Jien!" she cried. "Jien, help me! I love you so much! I love you so, so much! You can't leave me! I need you to help me! Jien!"

Automatically, I took her in my arms and squeezed the breath out of her, frantically stroking her hair and muttering, "It's all right, Mom, it's all right. I love you too. I'm not leaving. I promise. I'm not going anywhere…"

I had to say the words. I didn't know if I _could_ leave. I didn't know how I could let Gojyo keep living here. Maybe it was best to forget him and hope he never came back. I didn't know what to do. There wasn't a single fucking option that made any sense.

Mom clung desperately to me, face pressed against my chest, still wailing, but in time her voice quieted into softer sobs, and I felt her trembling in my arms.

When she was finally done crying, I said, "It's all going to be okay. I'll take care of you."

She turned her face up to meet my gaze, eyes glassy with tears, and I could see how deeply she was wounded. She was nothing like the mother I remembered from when I was little.

Her lips met mine before I could stop them, hot and wet, and her fingers rushed up into my hair.

"Mom…" I pulled away. "Stop. I mean it. We can't do this anymore."

"You look like him." Her breath shuddered in my ear and gushed over my neck. Her hands fluttered at the zipper of my jeans.

"Stop." I pried them away. "I don't want to."

She kissed my neck viciously. "He was so handsome… So, so handsome. I loved him so much…"

"I know." I tried again to pry her off without hurting her. "But I'm not him."

"I need you so bad, Honey. Mommy needs you so, so bad… That monster is tearing us apart."

"He's not."

Her hands slipped into my jeans. I stood there helplessly, not knowing how to stop her. She wasn't listening. "Mom," I tried again. "Please. I don't want to."

"You do." Her mouth fluttered against my stomach as she dropped to her knees. "Some part of you does. Or you wouldn't."

"No," I snapped, turning away. "I have to go find Gojyo."

"Jien!" she screeched, jumping up and clawing at my arm as she fought to get a grip on me. "You can't leave me! You can't leave! You can't! You can't! You can't! Please don't!" And she broke down bawling again, arms wrapped around my waist.

 _What should I do?_ I wondered for the billionth time in my life. _Why is all this shit up to me?_

"One last time," she said over and over, gushing against my back. "One last time. Please. One last time. I need to see him. One last time. Just one last time, Jien."

She pulled me back toward the stairs. I let her.

Every second of that night, I thought about my brother. Even when Mom was all over me and I was inside her and her voice screamed my father's name. I kissed and fucked her emotionlessly and I came inside her, and I felt sick and hateful, but I thought about Gojyo. I wondered where he was and if he was okay, and I kept looking for opportunities to go find him. I thought if I tired her out and she went to sleep that would be my opportunity, but she draped herself over me and passed out, and every time I tried to leave the bed she'd wake up, crying and begging me to stay with her.

 _I hate this life so much_ , I thought, caught between the sickening scents of our incest and the obscene heat trapped in the bedding. _I hate everything about it. I want out of it more than anything._

And yet I kept prioritizing the two of them over me. Everything I could have had that I'd given up was because of them—I had to keep Mom from killing Gojyo, I had to keep Gojyo from being a homeless orphan, I had to keep Mom from completely losing her mind and dying. I was spinning and spinning in a washing machine of filthy laundry that could never get clean, and I was drowning, and no one noticed or even gave a shit.

 _If it weren't for them, I could have my own life. I wouldn't have to go through nightmares like this._

But Gojyo was out there somewhere. All through the night, I laid awake, listening for the sound of his return, but it never came, and as I pictured him, alone and disturbed over the way his cat was killed, I knew I couldn't just leave.

Some part of me that hated Mom whispered that I should smother her with my pillow while she slept, or at least kick her off me and go find my brother, but the part of me that still loved her wouldn't allow it. I didn't know how I would ever emerge from this disaster with my sanity intact.

At last, when I saw the first few rays of morning light begin to stretch across the ceiling of my mother's bedroom, I got up, and when she woke up and complained I reminded her I had to go to work—I wanted to take care of her. Only then, did she flop back down in her pillow, muttering deliriously about how different I was from Dad.

I slipped out of the house and tore through the town, barefoot, flannel shirt open and flapping, looking everywhere for him. I had no idea where to start, and as I ran my fear grew and grew. Before I knew it, I was simply running up to every person I saw in the street, asking if they'd seen him. I ignored their half-horrified expressions, knowing I must look crazy. I hated them more than I hated anything else about this awful life. They ignored us. Everyone who'd ever pretended to be friendly to me, even the people who had been friends once with my parents, or with Gojyo's mom, just looked the other way while my brother and I sank deeper and deeper into a pit of disgusting child abuse.

As I asked about Gojyo, I wanted to scream at them, "why didn't you ever take us away from her? Why did you let all this happen?" The answer was simple though—they just didn't care what happened to us.

Mom, too. No one had rallied around Mom and tried to help her. No one reached out. They all knew to some degree that she had lost it, but they wouldn't even go visit her. They just acted like she didn't exist.

It made me want to burn the whole town to the ground.

When I'd been looking for almost two hours, I realized I was asking the wrong question. I sat down in an alleyway with my back pressed against the bricks of a liquor store, feeling them heat with the rising sun, and struggling to find some composure. Asking around for Gojyo wasn't much good. People ignored him—even if they'd seen him they wouldn't pay much attention to when or where, let alone where he might have gone. I had to ask about Hakkai instead. He moved from inn to inn every few days, but someone must know where he was staying, and hopefully he'd have Gojyo with him. If not, he'd at least be willing to help me look. As much as I distrusted him, I had to admit he wasn't like the rest of them.

It didn't take long to find out which inn he'd checked into, and I ran the whole way there, asked which room he was in, and barged up the stairs to his unit. It was locked, but I banged with all my might, desperate to find my brother. I wanted to take him away somewhere. I just wanted to leave town with him and never look back. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was about the cat and how much I loved him, my too-good little brother. Even if I couldn't take back that hideous thing she did, maybe I could help him feel a little bit better.

Hakkai took his time answering the door, so I knocked again and again, shouting his name until other guests glared through their doors to shush me.

But the Hakkai who answered wasn't like the Hakkai who'd been at the 1-Up Tavern the other night. His eyes were darker and his mouth refused to smile, even when he greeted me with a low, "Good morning, Jien-san." He looked angry, I thought, and incredibly sad.

"Where's my brother?" I demanded immediately. "Is he with you?"

"He's just getting dressed," Hakkai agreed, tone not lifting in the slightest. His eyebrows furrowed together as he looked me over. "Are you all right? You seem out of sorts."

I looked down at myself, knowing I couldn't hide the scratch marks and hickies on my bare chest. I wondered if Gojyo ever told him about Mom and me.

"I'm fine," I muttered. "Don't worry about me. I just want Gojyo."

At that moment, my brother appeared next to Hakkai, wide-eyed, mouth gaping. I must look even worse than I thought. "Jien…" he squeaked. "You…"

"Gojyo!" I fell to my knees the second I saw him, wrenching him into a hug and smothering him against my shoulder. "Gojyo…I'm…I'm so sorry… I didn't know. You gotta believe me. I had no idea she'd… I never would have. If I knew, I wouldn't have let this happen. I'm gonna fix it, okay? I'm gonna take you somewhere safe. I'm not going to let this happen anymore!"

I realized I was sobbing, and my brother was whispering, "It's okay, Jien. Calm down, okay? You're freaking me out…"

"I didn't mean for this to happen!" I sputtered. "I never meant for any of this to happen to you…"

"It's not your fault, Jien…" he patted my back lightly. "It's not your fault."

It took me a couple minutes to calm down again, and then I lurched to my feet, swiping at my eyes and groping blindly for his little hand. "Let's go, okay?"

He reached for me.

Hakkai stretched his arm across Gojyo, keeping him back.

I stared blankly at him.

Solemnly, he explained, "I'm not sure that's a good idea just now. You're quite distraught."

"Distraught?" I echoed incredulously. "Do you have any idea what happened?"

"I only meant it looks as if things at home right now are…not so good. Perhaps he shouldn't be there."

My temper snapped immediately. "Fuck you! You don't know anything about it! You don't know about home! You think you do, but you don't!"

His faced stayed smooth and his voice stayed gentle. "I know things at home are just as bad for you as they are for him…in their own way… She—"

"No, you prick! No! You don't know that! You don't know anything! And you can't keep my brother from me!"

"I wasn't intending to. I'm merely suggesting it may not be the best idea to take him back—"

"Where do _you_ think he should go? Where should _either_ of us go? We're kids, you jackass! We don't have _anyone_ else!"

"Jien," he insisted, a little more firmly, "I'm on your side."

"No you're not!" I screamed. "No one has ever been on our side! You act like you care about him, but you don't really! I don't know what you want, but I do know you're not as good as you pretend to be!"

His eyes widened.

Gojyo whispered, "Jien, what's wrong?"

"It was your fault!" I shouted in Hakkai's face. "The cat was _your_ fault! You let him bring it home! Why didn't you just kill it yourself?"

Hakkai's face turned white as a sheet. He mumbled under his breath, "The cat…"

"Stop it, Jien!" Gojyo screamed suddenly. His small fist hammered against my abs. "Shut up! It wasn't Hakkai's fault! It was mine!"

"No it wasn't!" I looked down at him hurriedly. "You're a kid. There's no way—"

His eyes were full of tears and he was biting his lip hard. I was so shocked to see him crying I couldn't even finish what I was saying.

"Yes it was!" he insisted, breaking into sobs and suddenly hiding his face in his hands. "Yes it was!"

"That's enough," Hakkai interrupted, a little angrily. "Neither of you are to blame for what she did!" He jerked Gojyo against him, and my brother automatically buried his face in Hakkai's shirt. "Jien." Hakkai looked earnestly at me. "I know you're upset. Just let me help."

"You can't help," I growled. "You've done nothing but made shit worse."

His eyes flickered into sadness; he gave a fierce jerk on his earrings, and then crumbled back into the shadow of the room, head lowered. "I see," he said softly.

I grabbed Gojyo's arm, pulling him with me, and Hakkai didn't say another word as we left him behind.

Out in the street, the two of us walked quietly. I studied my feet, only to discover they were filthy and bleeding. Inside my chest, my heart felt sick.

"Where're we gonna go?" Gojyo asked finally, voice sullen. He didn't look himself. His hair was tied back in a short ponytail and unfamiliar cynicism filled his eyes. He chain smoked through his cigarettes, and he kept wincing like he was in pain, but there was no sign that he was hurt—physically.

Inevitably, I looked up past the edge of town, beyond the woods to the distant mountains. For years, I'd wanted to run to them and beyond, to just get away from all this, and now that desire burned inside me fiercer than ever. I could just go home, pack up some things, take my brother, and go.

Fuck that. We could just walk now and never look back. I could pick up the things we needed along the way. We'd get by. We'd find somewhere new and be all right.

I almost went for it, but when I remembered Mom crying, her voice begging me not to leave, and when I pictured her standing at the window, day after day, waiting for me to come home, my heart broke. She wouldn't last long without me.

She was so perfect when I was little, my mother. Now, thinking about her physical body made me feel nauseated, but I remembered thinking she was beautiful. She always kept her light, nearly-blonde hair perfectly groomed, and she was a great dresser, with a innate sense of what colors looked best on her. She wore make up and jewelry every day, whether she was going somewhere or not. I remembered sitting at her delicate, white feet, thinking she was like a queen.

But she was always solemn. Dad could make her laugh; he had a great sense of humor—that was something I knew she loved about him, and it was a quality I knew Gojyo picked up from him. It must be a quality she hated to see in my brother, because when Dad wasn't making her laugh, she stayed serious, sternly telling me not to play in the mud, to eat my vegetables, complaining about my unruly hair, teaching me to read and write.

She used to be smart. Well, she was smart now too, despite being drenched in insanity. She was well-spoken and eloquent, but she had a head for numbers too. Dad always used to laugh and kiss her and say, "Babe, you're the smart one." And she used to scowl and say, "I wish you'd apply yourself."

Still, she was so tender to us both. Past her serious demeanor, she held me when I cried and nursed me when I was hurt. She babied Dad whenever he got sick, she kept a clean house, and she fretted any time he left the house without an umbrella or a jacket. She loved him so much. I remember seeing it clearly in her eyes when she looked at him. She loved him with everything she had.

I guess he didn't love her back the same way though, and it broke her, and that wasn't her fault, and the mother who had once rocked and sang me to sleep didn't deserve to be left behind. She was still inside the insane woman I knew now, and for all I knew, I could get her back.

"Jien," Gojyo said again, louder. "Where are we going?"

I stopped to look down at him. He was so little and helpless. He thought he was tough shit, but he was naïve as fuck and way too trusting and tender. The way he gazed up at me, I knew I was his everything. If I took him back home, he was in danger. If I sent him off on his own he'd be safe from her at least, but he'd be susceptible to every other hazard on earth, with no one to shield him from any of it. I almost wished Hakkai would just take him away from me, except thinking about being away from him like that made me want to break down crying. I didn't want to be apart from him—ever. He was too much, too perfect, too special to simply let go of.

Again, there was nothing to do except nurture all the hatred I felt toward the people around us—the people who let us all down.

"Jien," Gojyo snapped one more time. "What—"

"Home," I husked at last. "We're going home…"

His forehead ribbed in concern, but he nodded.

"There's nowhere else to go," I added apologetically.

"We can't leave Mom anyway," he said slowly. "She needs you…"

It would never stop amazing me how he put her happiness over his own. I guess she'd gotten to him over the years, reminding him constantly that he was worthless. I guess I'd failed to show him otherwise.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, taking his hand and leading him forward.

"For what?"

"For all of it…"

He didn't answer, but I knew he didn't blame me either. If he didn't blame her, there was no way in hell he blamed me. I knew he blamed himself for every bit of it, from Dad being gone to the cat getting killed. I didn't know how to convince him it wasn't his fault. I didn't know if anyone could ever correct everything that had gone wrong in his mind and teach him that he was valuable. Not even Hakkai.

Where did that leave him? Who was he going to grow into? Maybe he'd just have the inner strength and insight to grow into his own confidence and figure out his worth on his own, but…I knew that would be hard without anyone's help. Maybe he'd just grow angrier and bitterer and more estranged as time went by. Maybe he'd end up hating the whole world. Maybe he'd just end up hating himself. The only thing I knew for certain was he wouldn't always be this sweetheart of a kid who just wanted love and affection.

My eyes burned at the thought and my throat clenched.

 _I don't know how to protect that part of you, Goj…_

"Look at these." Gojyo pulled me to a stop.

I looked around faintly, barely recognizing that we were standing outside old man Bara's floral shop.

My brother stood facing the glass. Beyond his reflection I saw a large bouquet of crimson flowers.

"What about them?" I asked tiredly.

"They're pretty, huh?"

"Sure. They're nice. Let's go home, okay?"

"I wonder," he said in a soft, shy voice, "if Mom would like them."

Still thinking about Mom and how to make her love him. She'd killed his cat right in front of him, and from the look of him he hadn't taken it okay at all. I guess he just wanted her approval that desperately.

Some of my rage and hate boiled back to the surface, and I snorted, "Yeah, I guess she probably would." I jerked him forward, but gently. "Come on."

We walked in silence a ways further, but when the house came into view, I stopped to look seriously at my brother. He studied the house nervously, chewing on his cigarette and shifting his weight back and forth.

"Gojyo, listen," I murmured.

He tore his eyes off the house to glance at me, and then turned back to it.

"I know none of this makes sense to either of us… I wish I could take you somewhere else… I wish I could just leave you with Hakkai…"

"You and me gotta stay together," he answered, like he knew what I was going to say next.

I nodded. "Yeah. We do. And stuff won't be this way forever—you're growing up, and some day you can go wherever you want."

Again, he looked up at me, more seriously than before, like he'd forgotten about the house. "I always wanna be around you, Jien. I mean…I know we won't always live together, but I don't ever wanna go somewhere I can't just see you when I feel like it. You're my brother."

A faint smile tugged at my lips, and I reached down to tousle his hair. "I know—I feel the same way. Believe me though, I wish I could give you something better right now. I'm trying really hard, Goj."

He nodded slowly, eyes fixed on the house again.

I bent down to grip his shoulders and look him in the face so I'd have his undivided attention. "Mom is sick, Gojyo."

"Sick?" he repeated, voice hitching with worry. "What's she have?"

"She's sick in here." I touched his chest. "And…maybe here…" I touched his head.

He pondered that.

"She needs me, like you said. I can't just leave her."

My brother nodded. "Can we help her get better?"

Sighing, I straightened up and took a long look at the house myself, consumed by how much I loved and hated it at the same time, and I asked myself that same question. "We can _try_ , Goj… That's all we can do."

 **Present Gojyo**

 _This has gotta be the worst thing that's ever happened to me._

It was stupid to think that after everything I went through with Mom and all the shit that came after Jien left. I had to have been through _something_ worse. At the moment though, I couldn't think of anything.

No, no. I had to keep things in perspective. I'd had plenty of near-death experiences in my life. This couldn't be worse than almost dying.

Still, it was pretty damn close…

Days passed, and I stayed locked in the cellar with the pile of rotting corpses, and I saw real quick what they were being kept there for. Several times a day, someone would come downstairs and munch on one. Sometimes it was the woman—Li—and sometimes it was the guy I guessed was her grandfather, and a lot of times it was some fucker I hadn't been formally introduced to. They'd crouch there and gnaw on an arm or a leg like it was **Thanksgiving** dinner, and eye me hungrily, and the sound of snapping bones and tearing flesh usually made me sick, until I'd lost count of how many times I'd puked all over myself.

They fed me—they had to. The first time, Li came down the cellar, ripped a hunk of flesh off one of the bodies, and dropped it at my feet, snarling, "Eat, boy."

I would not though. I didn't care how much youkai I had in me. Even if I was _fully_ youkai I wouldn't eat it. Even if I was starving…

After a couple days of not eating though, I forced myself to consider the possibility that I didn't have a choice. My body was weak from hunger and pain—they still gave me water, so that was covered—and I was hallucinating and passing out way too often. I told myself that chunk of decaying human carcass might be the only difference between my living or dying. So I picked it up between both hands—they'd taken the ropes off me after the first day and replaced it with a pair of handcuffs and a collar around my neck—and lifted it to my mouth. It was soft and squishy—it looked like it was just some piece of a flabby guy's abdomen, coated in congealed blood, flies buzzing around it, reeking like it had gone bad weeks ago. If it was ever good to begin with.

One bite was all I could manage, and I didn't even get it down. I spat it out the second it was in my mouth, and then I was violently sick for the rest of the day, but I'd never forget the horrifying texture and taste of it.

The next time I saw Li, I told her she'd better bring me some real food— _human_ food.

She sneered at me, saying it didn't make much difference to her if I lived or died, but Gramps must have thought differently, because she returned with rice, fruit, summer squash, and a side of smoked meat—food that would keep me healthy and tasty. I didn't bother with the meat. I had a good enough guess of what it was and where it came from.

Day in and day out I heard footsteps in the room above me, and I assumed I was under the back room of the tavern I'd wandered into. It seemed like a whole family was living up there: Gramps, Li, a young guy, and an even younger woman. No kids though.

Any time one of them got thirsty, they'd climb down the ladder, and skip across the room like a little girl fetching a pail of water from the nearest well. If I put up a fight, all they had to do was drop kick me in the head and pin me, and then they'd drink as much blood as I could afford to give them. They ripped the jacket off of me so they could get at my bare arms too, and sometimes Li and the girl got a little exploratory and went looking for blood wherever they felt like it. That must be weird—being physically attracted to what would eventually become your next meal. When they were in a hurry, they'd slash one of my wrists with a stone knife they kept over by the wine racks, drip some into a glass, and go on their merry way.

It didn't take them long to see I meant to fight anyone who came near me as much as I could, and that meant two of them at once a lot of the time. I tried my shakujou, but they just ganged up on me, kicked it out of my hands, and had their way regardless. In a few days, it didn't matter anyway. I was way too weak to fight them, and there was no way in hell I could escape.

None of them ever showed the slightest sign of remorse or sympathy; even when I started getting feverish and sick, tossing and turning, telling them I was cold, asking for a blanket, or at least my jacket back, they didn't reveal any misgivings about the way they were treating me. Pigs destined to be bacon got better treatment.

Gramps was fond of telling me, "You're just a hanyou. You should be proud that you can help the rest of us be stronger."

When I got delirious enough, it came to me that I just needed to show them that I was a person. Pile of corpses on the other side of the room be damned. I'd talk their ears off from the second they came down to the second they clambered out again; I told them all about my life, my brother, my hometown, stuff I'd done—good and bad—people I'd known, ways I liked to spend my time, Hakkai and the guys, the girl who got killed, the reason I'd come in the first place—anything I thought might wake them up to the realization that they were torturing a person to death in their basement and that they should stop.

None of it registered.

Eventually, I turned to threats. Sanzo and Goku had no idea where I was, but I knew they'd figure it out in time. Sanzo was smart. Goku was strong. They'd come get me. I told them that with all the conviction I could muster.

Gramps just laughed and said he'd eat my human friend and that Goku was probably already one of them.

But Hakkai had to be back by now. He'd had more than enough time to save Kanan, and he'd tear the world apart looking for me. I told them that when he found me—because he _would_ —he'd return all this pain and suffering ten-fold.

That didn't worry them either. When they found out he was a youkai, not only could they not believe he'd waste a second of his time looking for me, they were sure he'd, as they put it, joined them. Just like the other youkai.

In time, all my threats and tactics gave way into begging. Before long, I was so weak and sick there wasn't much I could say other than, "Please let me go home. I just wanna go home. Please?"

And that didn't matter either.

After that, I started to resign to the idea that I was going to die in the cellar, get tossed onto the pile across the room, and eventually be eaten.

These people were sick. I could see it in their eyes—never mind what they were doing to me without conscience. They were fucking crazy. I came to realize that they were the family that owned the tavern upstairs—had owned it anyway—they'd been part of the peaceful Tai-Ping community back before it turned into this setting for a horror movie. Something happened to them, just like Willis' colleagues. Something turned them crazy.

My last feeble hope was that whatever that was would get the youkai half of me, and once I was as insane as them, they'd see me as one of them, and let me go.

 _I'd rather die than turn out that way_ , I told myself, and dropped into a shallow, restless sleep.

Someone shook me awake.

Immediately, I assumed it was one of the psycho family members, sneaking down to get a warm glass of blood before going back to bed, and I kicked them off. It was a weak kick. I almost couldn't remember how strong I used to be.

"Take it easy," a voice whispered in the dark.

I sat up, pressing against the wall, shuddering from the cold and weakness. "Who…"

A woman's face stared back at me from the shadows. It wasn't one of the family members—she was young, but I couldn't see much else about her. I just knew she didn't radiate insanity like the others.

"Hey," she offered glibly. "You wild?"

I grunted, forcing myself into a more comfortable position. Pain lanced up and down my shredded arms. "Would I be here if I was?"

"Maybe…" She tilted her head. A little light flickered, and she held up a match so I could get a glimpse of blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. She had sharp ears and a mark under her left eye, but again, her eyes weren't crazed like Li's. "Hn. Hanyou," she mused. "Just like I heard."

"Come to get a good look?" I growled. "Couldn't find one in a zoo?"

She wrinkled her delicate nose and looked me over. "You're a mess. I guess they weren't kidding about keeping you for blood."

"Oh, what? They told you about that?" I glared at her. She was thin and small, but dressed like a man. She didn't look tough, but I could tell she was the kind of chick who didn't put up with shit. I wondered if I could use her to get out of here somehow. Trick her, maybe. Sweet talk her. She was in her right mind, as far as I could tell, but that didn't mean I should trust her.

"That's right," she agreed. "The man who owns this tavern is my grandfather."

"Gramps?"

"If that's what you call him."

I shifted, nervously. She was part of the family after all.

The girl sighed and waved the match out just before it would have burned her fingers. "Look… My name is Wen."

"Nice," I snorted. "Thanks for dropping by. I'm trying to sleep here."

She chuckled. "Spirited hanyou… That's a new one. Poor Kan Tang was so timid after getting kicked around his whole life. Little Trei, too."

"Those're the other hanyou?" I sneered. "Kan Tang's over there on that pile somewhere."

She nodded. "I know. And Trei…she went crazy and disappeared. Like a lot of people from Tai-Ping."

"Too bad your damn Ojii-san didn't disappear. He's one fucked up piece of shit."

Wen hesitated. "Look, there's no time for this. Everyone's asleep, so…do you want my help getting out of here or not?"

I sat up straight, jerking at the chain on my neck. "You'd help me get out of here?"

She held up a key. "It's the reason I came down here."

"Why?"

Again, she gave a low laugh. "Look around at where you are, onisan. Look what's happening to you. You have to ask me _why_?"

I just stared at her. After the fucked up way the last week had gone, I had a hard time believing the way I was being treated was really her motive.

She murmured, "Some of us aren't crazy yet…" And then she leaned forward, fumbling with the collar around my throat.

I sat perfectly still, thinking about breaking her neck and stealing the key, but I made myself trust her just long enough to hear the key click, and then the collar fell away.

Wen stood up and offered me her hand. "Let's go. Before someone wakes up."

Reluctantly, I grabbed her and let her pull me to my feet, swaying hard and leaning against the wall. She put an arm around my waist and helped me toward the ladder. "Easy, onichan."

"Gojyo," I corrected roughly. "I have a fucking name."

"Okay, Gojyo," she agreed in a soothing voice. "Easy, then. You're pretty messed up."

Climbing up out of there took more strength than I ever would have imagined, and by the time I was outside in the fresh air, with the moon bursting up on the horizon, I had almost convinced myself I must be dreaming. Why would some stranger appear out of nowhere to save me? Strangers didn't do shit like that. _I_ did shit like that. I'd been doing shit like that my whole life, and there had only been one time it worked out okay for me.

Wincing, I clenched the lighter in the pocket of my jeans. _Dammit, Hakkai…_

Wen was silent and graceful as a shadow as she led the way through Tai-Ping. No one was around though, and I started to convince myself that I might have actually gotten out of that horrific scenario alive.

 _Don't jump the gun. You're so weak, this little girl could probably knock you over with a feather if she wanted._

On the edge of town, Wen stopped by a well. She lowered the bucket while I sat down on the edge and tried to get the shaking to stop. I looked down at my arms, stomach flopping as I saw for the first time in decent light just how badly those freaks had torn me up. I touched my swollen neck, fingering the deep bite marks.

"Think I got rabies?" I wondered.

"No." She hoisted the bucket up onto the lip of the well. "Whatever's wrong with them isn't transmittable that way. Here." She shoved the water at me, along with a tattered hand towel. "Clean yourself up and drink. Nobody's coming after us."

I was grateful for the chance to scrub all the blood off my skin, but I hurried anyway. I wanted to get the hell away from here, go home, and crawl into bed, and never leave again. Fuck Hakkai. Fuck Sanzo. Fuck doing things for Sanzo with Hakkai. This had fucked me up, and I deserved to hide for the next few years.

As I was washing the gruesome marks on my neck, I got a glimpse of my reflection in the quavering water. I looked pale, shaky, and sick, my face was bruised, and there was blood all over me. There was a freaked out look in my eyes I had never seen before.

"It's all we're good for right?" I huffed, mostly to myself. "Useless hanyou."

Wen watched me intently. "Did you always think that?"

"No. There was a really short span of time where I didn't."

"Hm. I guess it's up to you what you think of yourself. Kan Tang and Treia were too scared to do much of anything—they _were_ useless."

"Whatever." I drank water until I thought my stomach would rupture, and then I dumped the rest of the bucket over my head, almost enjoying the ice cold feel of it running down my back and neck. I was as sick as I could get anyway. I dropped the empty bucket, and Wen handed me my coat, which she must have picked up in the cellar. I started a cigarette immediately. It had been too long. "Let's go."

As we started walking out of town, she passed me a large hunk of dried meat.

"What is this?" I growled.

"Jerky."

" _Human_ jerky?"

"Venison. Did my aunt make you eat humans?"

"Li, right?" I tore into the jerky. "She fucking tried. I wasn't that hungry." Even now, with the ravenous feel of hunger clawing at my stomach, part of me never wanted to eat meat again.

We were quiet all the way until we ducked through the outer fence and got back on the path leading down the mountain, and then Wen broke the silence, saying, "I'm sorry my family did that to you."

"Apology accepted," I snarked.

"I'm sure sorry isn't enough… They weren't always like that though."

"I gathered. What the fuck happened to them?"

"I don't know. I've been hearing weird rumors about this village for the past few months. When I finally came to visit…" She shook her head. "They received me like always, but Auntie was much too happy to sit me down and tell me about their new diet. She was _thrilled_. Oh, and by the way, Wen-chan, there's a hanyou in the cellar with sweet blood—help yourself any time you feel like it. I think he'll last a little longer. Never been so dumbfounded in my life."

I studied her through the moonlight. "Why didn't it happen to you?"

"I don't know that." She looked down at her hands, and that reminded me of Hakkai.

"Is it going to happen to all of us?"

"Us?" she echoed.

"I'm a youkai too," I snapped. "I am. I could go nuts, couldn't I?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Auntie told me you're tough. Maybe not."

"So what about you? Are you extra tough?"

Her smooth forehead wrinkled in frustration. "You're pretty insolent for the all-you-can-eat buffet I just rescued from hell's basement. That's all right though. I don't expect much from your kind."

That made me quiet again.

"Sorry," I huffed, when the jerky was gone. "It's been a fucked up coupla months. And thanks. I…I know you didn't have to help me."

She met my gaze with a serious expression, and that too reminded me of Hakkai. Matter-of-factly, she said, "You must have some serious self-esteem issues. I can't think of a sane person alive who _wouldn't_ try to help you."

Again, it shut me up. She was right about all of that, self-esteem issues included. She did exactly what I would do. I didn't know if even someone like Banri could look the other way on a messed up scene like what I'd just crawled out of.

"You're welcome," she added softly. "Okay? Now, do you have parents or something like that I need to be getting you back to? Or are you one of those orphaned hanyou kids?"

"Parents," I laughed. I didn't want to think about _them_ ever again. "No. But I got a…brother…who's probably freaking out right now."

"That sounds sweet." Wen smiled. "Then let's get you back to your brother, Gojyo-chan."

 _If he's even in this time._

 **Past Gojyo**

The way he told me she was sick, you'd think he didn't expect me to understand, but I knew what he meant. He said we had to try to help her get better, but from the look on his face he obviously didn't think we really could.

I knew we had to, or things would get worse.

When Jien brought me home from Hakkai's motel, Mom barely looked at me, but she frowned, and I knew she hated me. I lay awake all night, unable to sleep, thinking about everything.

After she killed the cat, something inside me started to burn. It took me all day to realize it was some of my own hatred. I had never hated anybody before, but I understood that must be what it was, that furious desire to get back at her.

I could, too. I could get back at everyone. I could become the criminal they all expected me to be someday anyway, drop the nice act, take everything, spit in their faces, and be so mean to Mom she couldn't stand it. I didn't have to be a nice kid, I realized. If this was how it was going to be, I didn't have to be so good.

That wasn't right though. Not when all of this was my fault to begin with—I never should have been born, and then maybe Dad would still be around to take care of Mom and Jien.

Besides, Jien said Mom was sick, and that must have happened because of me too. Dad dying hurt her too bad, and then she had to take care of me on top of it, and none of that was her fault.

By the time morning came, I'd convinced myself hating Mom wasn't the answer—that would just make stuff worse too.

Things could get worse, I was starting to see that. If she got any sicker, they might put her away, and she'd be all alone, and Jien would be sad. If I made things any harder for her, who knew what she'd do to me? I couldn't stop her. It felt like the only option was to hang on, get older, keep trying. If I could at least get a job, I could help them, but Jien said I wasn't old enough. Soon, though. Thirteen or fourteen should be old enough to make money. And even if I couldn't get a job, maybe I could find other ways to make money.

Anyway, the point, I decided, as I climbed out my bedroom window, down the tree, and onto the dewy grass, was everything had happened because of me, and even if I just disappeared things wouldn't get better. If I thought that, I'd be gone by now. All I could do was try to fix all the things I'd ruined.

Jien hadn't even gotten out of bed by the time I left the yard, but it was already warm, and I walked quickly through town, still thinking.

The cat… I couldn't get it out of my mind, the way she killed him, eyes fixed on me, full of hate, as he thrashed and fought to breathe. I still heard my own voice, screaming and begging. I felt his limp body in my arms.

Hate shuddered through me again, but I fought it off, reminding myself that the cat would still be alive if I never picked him up. I made a mistake. I got him killed. Mom was sick, and I couldn't blame her.

Jien said it was Hakkai's fault, but he'd tried to warn me about taking the kitten home, and I hadn't listened. I couldn't blame him either, so I could only blame myself.

Tears filled my eyes, but I pushed them away too. I knew better than ever now what a waste of time it was to cry—it drained you, and it didn't fix anything. Still, I lost the day I got the kitten killed. I knew that in the very pit of my stomach.

 _I'm born to lose_ , I told myself, tying my hair back in a ponytail. _Might as well get used to it._

The flower shop wasn't open when I got there, so I hung around, smoking, staring at the sky, and fighting with the threatening rises of hate and sadness until the florist showed up.

At least he was nice to me. Smiling, he let me in, and I went right away to the red bouquet. He even gave me a deal—nine hundred yen—and a little card to sign my name on. To Mom, Love Gojyo.

As I scrawled out the words, another strange feeling rose to the surface of my heart. _What a fuckin' joke._ I didn't know what that feeling was exactly, but it was too much like the hate, so I pushed it aside and added a little heart by my name, took the bouquet, and shoved back through the door.

Maybe, I thought, just _maybe_ , if I gave her flowers and told her one more time that I loved her, she'd change her mind. I knew one thing for sure—she wouldn't expect it after she killed my fucking cat. She'd expect me to start hating her and being mean to her and trying to mess things up for her—that what most kids would do, right? But maybe if she saw that I forgave her and just wanted to mean something to her, it might heal her a little.

And if I could heal the things between us and get her to accept me, maybe I could heal too. Someday.

 **Hakkai**

I studied the time machine. I'd removed its leafy coverings, and now it sat waiting, coated in a thin layer of grime gleaned from sitting in the forest for over a month, but nonetheless ready for departure.

Perched on a branch above my head, Jeep shrieked.

"Let's go," I told him again. "We've done enough here."

Jeep ruffled his mane at me, shaking his head.

"It's too much," I insisted. "Gojyo's life is hard enough without my interference. Leaving is best. Now come down here."

With another shrill cry, he fluttered even higher into the tree, glaring down at me.

I rubbed my forehead, feeling drained. After Jien took little Gojyo away, I'd left the motel, at first thinking I might as well leave immediately, but I'd wandered through town instead, torn by my feelings of guilt and obligation, unable to make a choice and adhere to it. I'd never checked into another room, and I'd simply walked all the day and night away, not eating or resting, never giving myself a break from my miserable thoughts. At last, just as dawn had begun to break, I'd shambled into the wilderness and uncovered my time machine, exhausted and determined to leave.

"It's the only responsible thing to do!" I shouted up at my dragon.

He went so far as to hiss at me.

"What would you have me do," I insisted, voice aching. I felt mad, speaking to an animal about these weighty matters, knowing full-well he couldn't reply, but he was my only confidant here in this time, the only one privy to the true nature of my plight.

He merely rustled his wings.

"Of all the stubborn…" I glared around the woods. The sun had begun to fill the trees, casting deep shadows, and the birds sang sweetly. I huddled in my coat, despite the onset of summer heat. All of this had left me feeling cold.

Over and over I replayed the image in my head of finding little Gojyo, alone and crying in his room with the kitten's body. I couldn't get away from it, and I didn't want to. Jien was right—I let that happen. If I'd simply killed the animal by my own hand and had it stuffed by the local taxidermist I would have done less damage. Little Gojyo would never forgive himself for that—I knew.

When I was very young and had only lived at the orphanage for a few short months, I'd discovered a salamander outside. Being only six at the time, in desperate want of a friend, I'd captured it and kept it in a jar under my bed. Some of the other boys knew it existed, but none of them told. Not that it mattered—I had my slimy companion for just over a week. In the jar, he didn't survive long, but I refused to let him go. I tried to feed him insects and plants, but he refused to eat. By the time I realized he needed to be free, he died.

That was a very hard thing to take at the time. I of course had no idea I was going to grow up to become a murderer or that killing things might turn out to be my calling in life, I only recognized that I had caused an innocent creature of the earth to die, and I still remembered lying on my bunk, weeping inconsolably, unable to even tell the sisters and other children what was the matter.

Even as an adult standing outside the cursed time machine, I felt regret over that event. I understood that it had been a mistake made by a terribly lonely child, but that didn't change the fact that I'd killed the salamander by imprisoning him in a jar.

If something as trite as that could make a murderer like me feel remorse sixteen years later, I couldn't even imagine how long it would take a child as kind-hearted as Gojyo to forgive himself for the disaster with the kitten.

"I can't fix that," I yelled at Jeep. "I can't fix any of this! I was a fool to try!"

Disapprovingly, he snorted, but refused to move.

Not knowing what to do, I turned around and around where I stood, studying the various trees and the overall shape of the woods. Even if I went back now, what could I accomplish? I couldn't even attempt to take responsibility over whether or not young Gojyo forgave himself.

And adult Gojyo, back in my time… I didn't think I'd even have the guts to look him in the eyes and explain what I'd done. Knowing that made me feel as if I didn't want to go home, and not wanting to go home left me not knowing where to go.

"I've displaced myself— _again_."

Still, I couldn't help but think about my misadventure with the salamander. It happened so long ago I'd nearly forgotten it, and when I found Gojyo weeping over the body of the kitten I hadn't even considered it. Reflecting on it now though, the memory of lying there crying in an orphanage cell wasn't so different from the scene I'd seen the other day. We had been two lonely children who wanted nothing more than to find someone who cared about us.

I liked to think that if a friend had been there for me in that moment, it _would_ have helped. It might not have fixed everything, but it could have eased my pain, just as trying to be there for Gojyo the other day could have eased his.

 _It's not about fixing things…it's about being there._

My friendship with Gojyo was based on that concept, because, no, neither of us had any hope in hell of ever fixing the other, but facing things together made life a little less lonely.

I eyed the road again, trying to think clearly.

Even if I went back to him and couldn't fix any of this, I might be able to console him one last time. In any case, it would be much better than leaving him without a word.

 _I shouldn't have left my roommate without a word either, and I can't fix that any better than I can clean up this mess, but that's no excuse to keep doing the wrong thing._

"Fine," I sighed to Jeep. "Have it your way."

I began to make my way through the woods, and he swept down on me, silently, to land and ride on my shoulder, nipping at my ear as if to reassure me that I'd made the right decision.


	13. 13

**Present Gojyo**

Wen and I walked a few miles down from Tai-Ping until I felt like I couldn't walk any more, and then we found a clear spot along the side of the trail, and Wen built a fire. She passed me a flask of whiskey and said she'd keep watch—the woods, according to her, were full of crazy youkai, but she seemed to think they'd leave her alone, and as long as I was with her I'd be okay too.

Embarrassed about being looked after by a woman, I lay down on the frozen ground, close to the fire, and fell asleep faster than I'd expected to.

In the morning, Wen used the fire to cook some eggs she'd found; she reminded me of Hakkai, staring intently into the flames and turning the eggs so they'd cook evenly. Thinking about him made me feel a little better. He must have come back from the past by this time; I'd been missing for days, and he'd be worried, but he deserved that after the stunt he pulled. I knew he'd nag my ass off for getting myself into so much trouble while he was gone, but I could deal with that. I even felt like I needed it. Right now, I could stand to hear someone remind me that I was important, and no matter how mad I'd been that he disappeared on me, nearly dying changes things. I'd be happy to see him.

"Hopefully you live close," Wen said when we'd gotten on the road again. "I don't have enough food to get us too much further."

For the first time, I remembered the pack I'd left sitting back in Tai-Ping. It had plenty of supplies, but going back for it wasn't something I was about to suggest.

"Fifteen miles, maybe," I grumbled. The distance between me and home discouraged me. And what if Hakkai wasn't there when I got back? Right now I couldn't even think of what my next move should be.

Go report to Sanzo maybe? Goku would want to know I was okay.

Wen studied me. "You gonna make it that far?"

I scowled at her.

Her voice lowered apologetically, "You're in rough shape, sweetie."

"Sweetie," I snorted, trying to hide my embarrassment.

"I'm serious though. When you get home, you should get your brother to take you to a doctor."

Slowly, I turned to her. She had a really honest face, and I wanted believe she genuinely cared about my health, if only because I did feel like complete shit.

"My brother's a youkai…"

Her eyes flickered with understanding as she turned away.

"He might be gone."

"Yeah," Wen sighed heavily. "A lot of people are gone…" As she faced me again, I could see she had something heavy sitting inside her, and her eyes were even a little damp. "Well, if you want, we can stick together for a little while. At least until you think you'll be okay."

"Nah," I said, cheeks stinging with more than fever. "That's okay. I got friends… I'll be all right."

"Suit yourself," she agreed quietly, and I wondered if she had some reason to want to stick with me.

In the daylight, I looked her over again.

Now that I'd calmed down some and could see her better, I realized she was really pretty, even dressed like a boy in that baggy shirt and pants. Her hair was the same color as wheat and braided back behind her shoulders. Ferocity shone in her blue eyes, but not insanity. I could tell she was a pretty serious girl, not the type who'd go out to the club looking for a hookup, but she was definitely sexy, and there was something sensual about the way she moved. She brimmed with confidence and independence, and damn if I didn't like that in a woman.

"So," I slipped up next to her, tucking my hands in my pockets. "How about your boyfriend? Where's he at?"

Wen glared at me. "Why would you ask me that? I never said anything about him."

"So you've got one?"

"What's it to you?"

"It just seems like a bad idea, letting a pretty girl like you wander around alone in dangerous times like these."

Wen snorted. "If you care to remember, I rescued you from a short life of torture. But it's nice to see your ego wasn't too badly damaged. Hachi is gone." Her eyes turned sad. "I'm not looking to replace him right now, and no offense, but you're not my type."

"You're really grossed out by the whole hanyou thing, huh?" I grumbled.

She rolled her eyes. "No. Long hair is for women. Maybe if you got a hair cut and brushed up on your manners."

That brought a smile to my lips. "So can I get your number? You know, in case I actually decide to cut—"

A man stepped into our path, leveling a rifle at me, and I lost what I was saying to stand there like an idiot with my mouth hanging open.

In a matter of seconds, he sized us up and then shouted, "Here're two more!"

Immediately, a whole squad of guys with guns came crawling out of the forest, dressed in furs and skins, all different sizes and ages, glaring at us with mixes of disgust and disquiet. They aimed the muzzles of their weapons at us.

"Hey…" I turned around, to see half a dozen more cropping up to the left and right of the path, leaving the way we'd come as our only option. "Hey, what the hell?"

A big guy with a raccoon hat stepped to the front, spitting, "Youkai."

I realized they were all human.

I glanced down at Wen, and she shot a look up at me through her curling lashes. She looked scared.

As the men continued to appear out of the woods, circling around us, a woman shoved her way to the front. She was short, and the hair falling loosely around her shoulders looked scraggly and dirty. I recognized her western eyes and oval-shaped face, but it was gaunt compared to the last time I saw her, and there was a cut across her cheek, smeared with dirt.

"Willis?" I demanded.

Her gaze met mine. I was positive it was her. She looked really different, dressed in rags like the rest of them. I definitely recognized the shotgun she rested on her shoulder. "We meet again," she drawled, ending all my doubts.

"You know her?" Wen asked quietly.

"A little. Willis, what the hell are you doing?"

She looked away from me to stare intensely at Wen.

Wen shifted nervously, but her voice sounded cool. "Can I help you, oneesan?"

The man in the raccoon cap pointed his rifle at her. "Oneesan, huh? Not wild yet, I guess."

"Neither of us is wild," she informed him stiffly.

"So what're you doing out here in the sticks?" another guy demanded. He looked totally pissed at us just for being there.

"What is this?" I snapped. "Can't a guy just walk through the—"

"Shut up, freak." Yet another bumped me with the muzzle of his rifle. "Nobody's talking to you."

I glared at him. "You better watch where you point that thing. Somebody's gonna get hurt."

A wave of laughter rose up from their ranks. The guy in the coon cap sneered, "That's the point. These woods are dangerous now, thanks to you crazy fuckers."

Confused, I turned to Willis again. "What is going on?"

She barely glanced at me. "Youkai-hunting. Obviously. You're in the wrong place at the wrong time—again. Is that just something that happens to you, or is that Genjyo Sanzo's fault?"

"Little of both," I admitted, glancing nervously around at the guns. "What'dya mean youkai-hunting?"

She sighed. "Dense as ever." She got a cigarette going. I wished we could just stand there and smoke and shoot the shit, but I didn't dare move when I was being held at gunpoint. "You might remember youkai all over this region seem to be losing their minds."

"Yeah. There's a whole crazy town of 'em up there we just got away from."

"We're aware," Willis told me coldly. "Most of the insane youkai from Tai-Ping are running rampant in the woods now, everywhere from here to Kotogara. And beyond. We've been rounding them up one by one, taking them to a facility. It's possible if I study them I can start to understand what's happening."

"What's that have to do with us?" Wen asked sharply. "As you already pointed out, neither of us are insane."

The man in the coon skin cap snorted and towered over her, voice turning dark, "Not wild yet, but we're not about to give you the chance."

"We're not intending to go wild," she told him, shaking a little. "Get that thing outta my face."

"I don't think you two get it," he decided coldly. "We didn't stop for a chat. Get on your knees—hands over your heads."

We exchanged another look. I could tell she was worried. I still felt like shit from the week I'd spent in the basement, but even if I didn't, even summoning my shakujou would get me shot. Maybe I could take a few out first, but that wouldn't save my life.

A little desperately, I stared Willis down, thinking she might say something, but she watched without emotion, just like the rest of them.

I figured going to their facility and getting questioned or evaluated would be better than getting shot in the middle of nowhere.

"Fine," I grumbled, throwing my cigarette down. It was the smart thing, obviously, to do what they wanted and look for a way out later. "Let's do what he says."

Hesitantly, Wen laced her fingers behind her head and knelt down in the dirt.

I put my hands on top of my head. This just wasn't my month.

As I started kneeling, a man poked me in the stomach with his rifle. I glared at him. His eyes were like ice as he stared straight through me, like I was hardly there at all. "Boss," he said emotionlessly. "This one's only half-youkai."

"I can see that," the man in the coon cap snarled.

"What's the verdict with that, Doc?" the man aiming at my stomach asked.

Willis breathed a cloud of smoke. "I have no idea. Yet."

"Yeah, what's that supposed to mean?" I sneered. "Special treatment?" I didn't know if I could stand up under any more torture, but I wasn't about to let these dicks freak me out.

Coon skin laughed deeply, and his men watched anxiously.

"He ain't even worth the effort," he decided.

"So you're gonna let me go? What about her—"

A shot rang through the woods, loud enough to make my ears ring—much louder than Sanzo's little pistol. It echoed through the trees.

Wen screamed.

"Goddammit, Pao!" Willis screamed. "You didn't have to shoot him!"

For a second, I didn't understand what it meant.

And then ice-cold pain crashed through my stomach, like I was getting clawed apart from the rib cage down. I stared at the front of my shirt, watching blood bloom from a point dead center of my gut.

Somewhere between the excruciating pain and the complete disbelief, I found the presence of mind to touch the wound. My hand came back crimson.

Then I was on the ground, breath rattling, body shaking violently.

"Gojyo!" Wen shouted. Her hands fluttered at my shoulder, but I barely felt them. My vision was already going black. "Gojyo!"

With a dull thud, she slumped over. Someone must have hit her. She didn't move again.

I couldn't move either. My legs stopped working, and the pain traveled up my spine, spreading into the rest of my body.

"Why…" I choked. I tasted copper in the back of my throat.

The man in the coon skin cap stood over me as one of his men scooped Wen up and threw her over his shoulder. I stared up at him, stupidly willing him to do something, but I could see in his eyes he didn't feel any remorse for what he did.

Willis stood next to him, screaming, "How in the hell am I supposed to figure anything out like this?"

"Shaddup," he snapped. "We don't gotta enough room for him. Sure as hell wasn't about to let him go wandering around like a ticking time bomb."

The others started filing away. I writhed on the ground, grasping my stomach and gripping at handfuls of half-frozen dirt. Snowy mud caked against my face. The pain… I could hardly grasp where it ended and where it began.

"You shouldn't have shot him!" Willis insisted. "You didn't have to do that!"

"Get over it, Doc," he growled. "There ain't no room in this world for your bleedin' heart."

He stepped over me. I watched his heavy-treaded boots pass above my face as he tromped off with his men.

Willis stayed, staring down at me, eyes wide with horror, mouth gaping. "I…"

I tried to croak something out—anything at all—a dirty joke, a request for my last cigarette, a plea for help. Anything.

I coughed and more blood gushed from my mouth.

"Willis!" his voice boomed. "We're moving!"

Her expression turned helpless. Fuck she was pretty. I heard her gentle voice at my ear, like a hovering butterfly. "I'm sorry, Gojyo…"

And then she sprang off.

My body twisted and convulsed. Blood pooled around me, draining the heat from my body. The cold started to take root.

Wincing, I turned onto my back, and the coppery taste ran down my throat. "F-fuck…" I hissed.

For the longest time, I lay there, spasming and choking, in the center of a puddle of my own blood, freezing cold, wracked with so much pain I didn't dare scream.

Hakkai will come…

He always did. As much as I had a knack for getting in deep shit, he had a way of always showing up just in time to save my ass.

Clouds drifted through the sky above me. Night started settling in. My body shivered violently in the frigid air. Sometimes I was awake. Sometimes I passed out. I always came too again, half-screaming and drowning in my own blood. Sometimes I remembered to tilt my head. Sometimes I remembered to keep pressure on the wound. None of it could save me.

But Hakkai will come. He has to.

I couldn't make myself accept that he wasn't going to—I wouldn't let myself lower my expectations for him, not even as I lay dying. I kept telling myself he'd be there soon, even as I shut my eyes for the last time.

 **Jien**

Waking up in my own bed was good. Last night, I had really wanted to stay with Gojyo, try to talk to him, see if I could help him make sense of everything, but Mom wanted me to sleep with her—again—and the only way I'd been able to get out of it was to insist I didn't feel well. She would have flown into another fit if she knew I was going to sit up all night with my little brother.

Maybe I should have left him with Hakkai, I thought as I sat up, stretching.

Hakkai hadn't been quite himself. I thought the whole episode with the cat had really upset him, and I even felt bad for blaming it on him.

I also felt bad that Gojyo had to spend the night all alone, and I wondered if he slept at all. Just one more fucked up thing I didn't have an answer for.

Groggily, I groped around for my clothes. I didn't sleep well, that was for sure. I kept having awful nightmares about Mom and cats and my little brother being in danger, and I got the feeling that shit was going to haunt me a long time.

Still, it was good to wake up in my own room, to not feel that unwelcome, naked body lying beside me, and as I rose and got dressed for the day, I reaffirmed with myself that I just had to try to keep things running smoothly until something better came along. Maintain.

Out in the hall, Mom's door was open already, so she must be up, but Gojyo's was closed. I stood a while, pondering what to do. I didn't want to go to work—I wanted to comfort my brother—but could I lie and tell Mom I was sick? She just acted like everything was normal, and again, if I made a big deal out of the cat being dead, it might push her to do something erratic. Was that a good reason to leave Gojyo alone today?

Really, I couldn't afford to miss another day of work. Missing yesterday was bad enough.

At last, I knocked on Gojyo's door, calling softly, "Hey, Goj?"

He didn't answer, and I didn't really expect him to. If I thought I was messed up over what happened to the cat he must feel five times worse at least.

Sighing, I leaned my head against the door, lightly drumming my fingers, wondering what to do. "Listen, pal," I said finally. "Hang out with Hakkai today… Come visit me at lunch so I can see you're okay."

Still he had nothing to say.

Tighter than ever, I pressed against the door, whispering, "I love you, little brother. I love you more than anything, and I'm sorry this is so hard, but I'm going to take care of you. I promise. Just…be careful today, alright? And come see me at lunch. I'll buy you something to eat."

After that, I really expected to hear him chirp something back at me—I love you too, if nothing else—but his room stayed silent, and I reluctantly went on my way downstairs, to where Mom was having tea in the kitchen and smoking. "I'm off to work," I told her, trying to smile.

She sighed and ashed. "I'm home alone with the monster again."

It was more than enough to wipe the smile off my face. "He'll probably go play with Hakkai…"

"Yes. That psychopath was here yesterday. Wouldn't it be lovely if they both just died?"

I stood over her, stupid with silence. What was I supposed to say when she talked about my brother like that?

"Have a good day," she decided at last. "Come back safe."

That was what she used to say to Dad when he left in the morning, and to me when she dropped me off at school. It was a hollow echo of my childhood, trying to reach me from deep within the fog I'd wandered into, and I wished with all my heart she could be that woman I once knew.

"Mom…" I clasped her hand, feeling like a little kid again. "The two of us are trying so hard—Gojyo and me—can't you please try too? He's…he's not a bad kid."

She squeezed my hand but shook her head. "It doesn't matter. He's cursed, Jien." She looked me in the eyes suddenly, and I noticed they were clearer than yesterday, as if some of the insanity had lifted. "Don't you understand that? You and I will never be happy as long as he's around."

Her words choked all my tender feelings right out of me, and I jerked away from her suddenly, grabbing up my axe and striding for the door. "Yeah, well he's here to stay, Mom, because if you ever try to hurt him—like really try to hurt him—I won't forgive you."

Mom sat up straighter in her chair. "What are you talking about? Really try to hurt him?"

I glared at her. "You know what I mean."

"Kill him?" she murmured, looking dazed. "You think…?"

I studied her, trying to make sense of the sudden lost expression she wore. "I know you wouldn't do that," I told her gently. "I know deep down you must know he hasn't done anything wrong. Right?"

She continued to stare at me.

I touched her shoulder. "He's a good kid, Mom. I'll see you later."

Outside, it a warm day was getting started, and I felt strangely good about the conversation we'd just had. It didn't make sense, really feeling good about a warped conversation like that, but it had seemed like I might have gotten through to her. She acted like she'd never even thought about killing Gojyo. And why should she? Sure, she didn't like him, and yes, she killed his cat, but…but Mom wouldn't do anything like that. I couldn't even think that of her. And maybe, if I was lucky, I'd given her something to think about, and she'd mull it over for the rest of the day, and eventually she might even…

Well, she'd never love him like a son the way he wanted her to, but if she could at least start to accept him and not hate him so much, that would be great. If nothing else, our talk made me feel like there was a small sliver of hope that things could get better.

Halfway through town, I ran into Gojyo. He was supposed to be asleep in his room, so he really startled the hell out of me, practically racing around the corner, lugging a huge bouquet of flowers with him, face sharp with both excitement and determination. He noticed me and slowed to a stop in the middle of the street, and I closed the gap between us.

"Goj?" I said when I stood over him. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in bed."

"Nah." He took a quick drag on his cigarette. "I snuck out earlier—I didn't wanna wake you guys."

I gestured to the flowers. "What're those for?"

"These?" He held them up with a flourish, grinning from ear to ear. "I got them for Mom!"

"For Mom?" I echoed, bewildered.

"Yeah, the guy at the flower store said this's a bouquet for moms! Cool, right?"

I studied his smile. Something about it wasn't quite right—I knew he couldn't be all fine and dandy after what happened to his cat, but it looked like he was hell bent to pretend he was. Still, his eyes didn't shine as brightly as they used to, and that made me feel worse than ever. I had known all of this would start to get to him in time. I could hardly believe he was even able to make himself smile.

My brother waited a few seconds for me to reply, and then went on, throwing his cigarette butt to the ground. "Yeah, well, anyway, yesterday you said you thought she'd like them."

It was sad, I thought. Sad that he couldn't even let me see how unhappy he was, sad that he wanted to act like it never happened. I wondered what it was that made him think pretending might be better, but I didn't dare think it could be a lack of trust in me.

"So, I figured they might cheer her up. You said we hafta try and help her, and I really, really want to. I dunno. It was the only thing I could think of." He ran his fingers through the flowers reverently, and I got a glimpse of the sadness in his eyes, mixing with desperation. If I were him, I'd just give up.

"Are you okay?" I asked suddenly.

He blinked at me, like the question was strange. For a second, he really didn't look okay. His expression turned darker, and his smile failed, like my calling him on it made him think he could be honest, but in a second, amazingly, his grin came back. "Yeah, of course. I'm just in a hurry to get home before she wakes up. I wanna give her breakfast in bed."

It wasn't unlike him to lie about his feelings. Sometimes he told me he was okay just because he didn't want me to be worried about him. This time though, I got the feeling he was just trying to hide from what happened. In a way, he deserved to do that.

I put a hand on his shoulder. "She's already up, Bro."

"Oh." He stared down at his shoes, and I thought he even looked a little scared. "Oh, okay… Well, that's…fine. I'll just give her these. That'll be good, yeah?"

"Goj…" I couldn't think of any reason for him to want to give her anything at all. "Maybe wait until I get home…"

Stubbornly, Little Brother shook his head. "That's too long. I want her to know everything's okay."

I couldn't stop him anyway. Gojyo always did whatever he wanted…unless Hakkai told him not to. I wondered again why Hakkai didn't try to keep him from taking the cat home.

Gojyo was starting to trot past me, like he knew I was going to try to stop him. "Anyway, I'll come meet you after work, 'kay?"

I turned to watch him go, calling out stupidly, "Yeah… No, wait. Come visit me on my lunch break. Okay? I wanna talk to you."

He gave no sign that he'd heard me, and before I knew it he'd rounded the corner.

I sighed and stood there a little longer, wishing he'd come back. I should have taken the chance to talk to him, but I'd gotten so thrown off. Thinking about chasing after him, I shuffled forward and then paused again.

A pink card had fallen on the ground. I figured it was off his bouquet because it had flower patterns on it, and I stooped down to pick it up. Sure enough—To Mom, Love Gojyo, with a little heart.

Such a sweet kid.

I studied it, thinking it was all the more reason to go after him, but I got caught up in what I was looking at. He had really terrible handwriting, that little brother of mine. I taught him to read and write pretty much by myself, so his spelling was bad, and his kanji was ridiculously sloppy, like a nine-year-old's…

Body jerking, I checked my pockets for something I knew I didn't have.

I remembered it too well though, that suddenly familiar handwriting, that weird list… Whiskey, twenty-four pack, cigs, condoms, dope, chicks…tweezers to pull the stick out of your ass… That little heart at the bottom…

My own heart started racing fast, and my mind screamed, what the hell?

How could my little brother's handwriting be on a list in some assassin's pocket?

No way. It was just a coincidence. Hakkai acted like Gojyo had a lot in common with his roommate… His nameless, faceless, hanyou roommate…

Head spinning, I turned again to stare down the street to where my brother had disappeared. I remembered the coupon in Hakkai's wallet—it had more than ten years before it would expire…

Just what the hell?

My feet carried me forward like I was sleepwalking, taking me back in the direction of home, and those questions continued to swirl in my head.

It looked like Gojyo's handwriting… It looked just like the handwriting on the card I held in my hand. Hakkai wouldn't tell us anything about his roommate—not even his name—but he acted like the crap I'd found in his wallet could be dangerous. Dangerous to Gojyo. Could this be why?

But…how…?

Before I knew it, I was within sight of home, and then Hakkai himself emerged out of the morning to walk beside me, with a grim but polite greeting.

I was in such a stupor I could only stare at him. What was his interest in my little brother? How did he seem to know exactly how to handle him when even I couldn't convince Gojyo not to drink coffee or go into the nasty parts of town? Like he knew him even better than I did.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Hakkai wondered.

I looked his jacket over. The wallet was there, along with the list. If I could see it again I'd know for sure.

There must be a better explanation. How could Gojyo's handwriting wind up on a list in Hakkai's pocket?

I didn't have any explanation for how that could happen…but Hakkai must.

"Here." I thrust the card at him suddenly.

He barely glanced at it, though he turned it over twice, automatically, taking in every detail very quickly. "What's this?" he asked listlessly.

"Whose handwriting is that?"

"It's Gojyo-kun's handwriting," he answered immediately. Again, the fact that he'd barely glanced at it and still knew what it was made me think he was even smarter than I'd realized. Suddenly, the fact that he was so smart seemed suspicious. Was I supposed to believe he'd just wandered into this town by accident and decided to stay out of the goodness of his heart? No way. I didn't know him so well, but I knew enough to realize that wasn't like him.

"How do you know that?"

His brow furrowed. "Because he signed his name, Jien. Also…it's clearly a child's handwriting. I'm not sure what you're asking me."

"Let me see the list," I demanded. "Right now."

It was a vague request, but his eyes widened a bit, and he finally looked right at me. "What list?"

"You know damn well what list. The list in your wallet. The one with Gojyo's handwriting at the bottom. That list of every nasty thing in the world anyone could ever want."

"I don't have time for this," he grumbled, not sounding as polite as usual. He looked pale and drained as he glared down at the card again, and then he paused, stopping in the middle of the road to stare at it. "Wait a minute… Where did you get this?"

"Who cares?" I snapped. "I wanna see the list your roommate made. Right now."

Slowly, Hakkai turned his head to look at me again, eyes huge. "This…came off a bouquet… Didn't it?"

"How do you know that?"

"Jien," he panted suddenly, looking panicked. "Jien, we don't have time… Where did this come from? When did he buy the flowers?"

"How do you know about the flowers?" I insisted.

"Because I was with him when he first noticed them!" he practically shouted. "He's not… You weren't stupid enough to let him give those to her, are you?"

"Shut up!" I shoved him. "Who the fuck are you anyway? Why are you so interested in Gojyo? Why did you tell me the shit I found in your wallet is dangerous? What. The fuck. Is going. On?"

He threw his hands up suddenly, barking out a harsh laugh. "God! I'm from the future,and Gojyo's my best friend. Now will you please tell me about the damn flowers?"

I stared at him, dumbfounded. For the longest time, staring was all I felt I could do. At last, I repeated incredulously, "You're from the future. And Gojyo's your best friend. There. In the future."

He rolled his eyes and snarled, "Look. Here." He dug into his pockets, violently almost, and thrust the wallet and the card at me. "It doesn't even matter if you believe me." And then he stomped on down the hill.

I glared after him. He couldn't actually expect me to believe anything that dumb.

The list though… I picked it out of his wallet and unfolded it carefully, holding it side by side with the card and staring between the two until I thought my eyes would bleed.

By the time I looked up again, Hakkai was far, far down the road, almost to the house.


End file.
